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Just Not That Into Me?

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I'm back in the dating game again, after the ending of a relationship. Haven't dated seriously for a long time. A month ago, I met someone who I've been seeing about twice a week ever since. I find that I'm falling harder for him a little more after each date. We have become intimate, and we went together for all the "tests" (HIV, etc) to ensure that we are safe and can relax and enjoy without that worry. He had no problem with this, and said that he admired my way of thinking, and how I take my health seriously.


We enjoy each others company & conversation & are VERY physically attracted. I am 5 years older than him (37 & 32 respectively). He is from another country & has recently moved here. He plays in a band, which keeps him VERY busy. He has gigs every Fri/Sat night, and practices often. He invites me to come to shows and I have gone to one of them recently. He is attractive, not only to me, but other women also.


I have a child, he doesn't. When I told him about my child he put his arms around me & said "I have a band" so that takes his time as my child takes mine. He says that he doesn't have much time for relationships (past ones failed), as he wants to suceed and takes his music very seriously. I admire him for that, but I am scared of falling for him, only to be disappointed and sad. I am also a busy person,with a busy life, but I find myself wishing I could see him often. He says that he thinks about me more than he normally thinks about past girlfriends, and that I am different. He's a sweet talker, but for some reason, he seems sincere.


I'm so afraid to just go with it - enjoy it for what it is this moment, and what it could become. I wonder that by his telling me he doesn't have time for relationships, that he was telling me not to have expectations? I don't really want to ask him at this point. But it's hard to develop feelings and yet try and keep them in check.


I wonder/worry: does he see other women (he says no, he's not like that, and if he was, he'd tell me) He says he expects honesty, and will give honesty.


He always wants to see me again...good sign.


He went for testing, very good sign. Would most guys do that? Especially if they weren't really interested?


Falling for this man and scared to death.

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You said "I have a child" and he said "I have a band"? haha. Wow.


I don't think he's not "into" you; I think he's just letting you know how it's going to be. Like, he's not going to be dependable husband-like material. After all, he has a band.

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I'm not sure why you decided to sleep with him, especially when he said that he doesn't have time for relationships?


Sorry to say, but he's not going to refuse to be intimate, if you're willing to give it to him, but I believe that's all you'll get from this.

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He was trying to be funny when he said that. I had to tell him about my son, and sometimes, men will high tail it before you can say "check please" when you make that revelation. I knew that I was really beginning to like him, so I was expecting him to immediately bail when I mentioned my child. He didn't....I told him over dinner, and he came round to my side of the table and gave me a kiss and said not to worry, that he had a revelation also...he has a band that keeps him busy, just like my child requires a lot of my time. He wasn't being a jerk, he was just trying to keep things light - at least that's what I felt at the time.


Since then, he has gone out of his way to see me several times, been late for his rehersals, hoped they would be cancelled, etc., etc. because he said he wanted to spend more time with me.


This coming weekend, I have to go away, and he wanted to make sure that we had a chance to see each other before I left, and when he kissed me goodbye, he said, with a smile..."don't forget about me".


I guess I just hope that as time progresses, and feelings grow (he did say that he feels better and better every time he sees me) that he and I will find a way to balance bands, babies and relationship? Niave?

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Oh he was joking. It's still an interesting comparison... having a kid to having a band.


It's not really a good idea to go along dating someone with the hope that they will change their ways and make a relationship a priority. It is so much easier just to find someone who is as eager to develop a relationship as you are, than to pursue someone & keep your fingers crossed that they will change. He already told you how it's going to be and where his priorities are. If he doesn't want a real relationship, it isn't going to happen no matter what you do.


You can still date him, there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't count on it going any further than that and you won't be disappointed.

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