Well time is running out

[peterson24]

Whats up everybody? I've got to say I have found this forum incredibly useful over the last 9 months or so.

 

Quick go here, have been broken up with my ex gf since about October. 4.5 year relationship, we are both 25 y/o. Good relationship, no abuse, to cut it short we broke it off due to stresses of moving overseas together and because I was never sure what I wanted out of the relationship, some gigs, and most importantly me just needing to grow up on my own terms for a while. Breakup started mutual, but about 2 months in I had realized what a mistake I was making (panicking at this stage), but she chose to stick by her guns as we had broken up a few times throughout university and wanted to ensure she does not fall into any sort of trap, ie i believe she has pretty much checked out of any relationship feelings towards me.

 

Fast forward to today, I am accomplishing all my goals in the personal department, have emerged from the darker spots of breakup loneliness and regret and am now looking forward to the future. Looking back im glad we did not just get back together as now I am dealing with all the things that were holding me back in the first place.

 

I know this girl is tremendous and we would make a strong couple in any new relationship. The thing is getting it to that stage.

 

I am not a fool in this, I know things need to be reset to zero if anything is going to come of it. We have been sort of playing the LC game with periods of NC instigated by me in order to heal. Its hard due to a small social circle of other expats here, but we have survived to this point.

 

But to return to the title, our time together is running out for at least a year. She will be returning home to go back to school and I believe I have smartly deferred my acceptance to the same school for a year to stay here and continue getting myself together rather than to blindly follow her and hope she magically feels a spark again.

 

In the meantime, my question is whether or not I should maximize the next 2 months with her... I obviously want more, but while I can see glimpses of attraction and feelings towards me, I am 99% sure this will just be friendly with flirting. We have spent 3 of the last 4 days together, just enjoying eachother's company.

 

To add more to the situation she is talking to someone back home who has definitely caught her interest. Im fully aware this will lead to her dating him when she gets back, and it might be the guy of her dreams, you never know right?

 

I am not really being blindly hopeful here, for us to work out she completely needs to see what is out there for herself and if fate brings us back together, so be it. Contact between us will be minimal for the next year, the thing is whether or not i should suck up my feelings and really just show her how good of a friend I can be in the next short while until she leaves, in the hope that this may or may not reflect better on me should the time ever come.

 

Could you suck up your feelings and just go with the flow for 2 months? Short term pain for long term gain? It is already setting back my healing process, but I would like to be mature about this and maximize my chances for the future, you know?

 

Her setting up something (only online at this point) does bother me to a degree, but I know it has to happen. Its natural and its fair, I did my fair share of dating in the last few months while she has struggled to connect with anyone (kind of a side-effect of being in the overseas location we are at).

 

Anywho, long post! Lots of time to catch up on. I have been cherishing the advice this forum offers for a while now and I cannot express how much it has helped me, but now my situation has become sort of unique to the point where i am looking for some mature direction.

 

Im playing it cool, not needy at all and certainly not her 'emotional tampon', we just seem to be connecting on a base level again, but with a ticking time limit.

 

Your thoughts?

[longdist]

Well.. this is something that probably only you can answer. I have a feeling that your best shot may be to continue doing what you're doing and being a good friend.. if you can handle that. Then when she's away, she may miss the feeling she has when she is with you. As for the other guy, you should probably let that run its course. Most likely things will fizzle there within the next year. If you don't let it run its course, then you are likely to instigate issues, which may haunt you later. The year may be a great time to determine if you 2 should really be together. When you see each other again after the year, you will likely know. Both of you will probably have changed, which would allow the relationship to be new. However, to be perfectly honest, it sounds like your reconciliation chances are slim right now, and you know that. You never know what the future will hold though.

[yumicecream]

Who broke up with who? If she broke up with you, you should move on.

 

But, you should tell her how you feel sooner rather than later.

[catfeeder]

If you try to push for anything more than a friendship right now, you'd only position yourself to compete against her ideals concerning the new guy--and that's not wise. As much as it bothers you, she's interested in someone, and if you try to circumvent her opportunity to play that out, you'll likely lose.

 

Better to keep your head given that you've already made your choice to remain put for the next year. Opting out of interference with her new interest will allow her to retain fond memories of you instead of turning those feelings into a groaner. I believe that's the only way to come out the other side of next year with any kind of shot at a future with her.

 

In your corner.

[peterson24]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Pretty much what I was expecting to hear, and pretty much what will end up happening! haha

 

Just good to write it all down and get a little feedback, you know?

 

She could marry this dude, similarly I could do the same with anyone. The future, while at times scary, is equally exciting too.

 

Im moving on, making no illusions about it, shes just a great girl, shame it ended, but it had to for us to grow. We would be stronger because of it. She has maintained that if we were to ever get back together it would be for good, so i figure let fate run its course.

 

But you cant help but want to try and increase the odds in your favour! haha.

 

I'll maintain the status quo, shes the one calling and making plans, etc. I tend to be busy with music, work and social life, but when we get together we work well and have fun. Reconnecting i guess you could say.

 

So i guess i know the answer to my question already, and I am doing all i can. Just trying to sort it out. This forum is good for that!

[longdist]

As this forum is titled, you are not alone. My ex started seeing one of her best friends a month or 2 after our breakup (don't even know what the current status is). I'm worried that she will get married, especially because 2 other friends in their circle (who began as friends and moved to more) are now engaged. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot I can do to affect the situation. Regardless of all of this, I will be moving to her town, similar to you, in about a year. I'm also in school. So, who knows what will happen then. Frankly, I'm trying to avoid thinking about things. I think I found someone else and have been dating. It really pushes the other person out of your mind. It's been 5 months, since my break, so I think I'm ready to move on. I'm pretty excited about the possibilities with this new person. It doesn't mean that I don't ever think about my ex (I probably wouldn't be posting on ENA so much if that were the case).

 

Anyhow, I kept thinking I was in a time crunch when she was thinking about seeing her friend. In reality, anything I did/do can push her further to him, so I stopped doing anything and just tried to remain as a very distant friend. When we saw each other we got along great, but that doesn't mean anything. We obviously had chemistry in order to be together 4-1/2 years. So my point is that you can take comfort in knowing that you aren't the only one in this situation. Here's to waiting a year..

[peterson24]

Haha i feel your pain buddy, its been quite the road.

 

Thing is, I have not (yet) declined my offer for grad school next year, same school as hers.

 

I love where I am at right now, my job, social life and how far I have grown as a person. I could go home, but the only reason to do so this year would be entirely to make things work on that front, to try and get back together, but I think i am following my head on this rather than my heart. A year off would do us both good and make a future reconnection all the more fresh and exciting. Its a gamble i know, and I hope it is the right one.

 

Part of me obviously wants to follow her home but i mean what good would that do. You can't make someone come back around.

 

I too have been dating and met some really interesting people, but yeah she can still pop to the forefront of my mind every so often, now moreso that we have been hanging out again.

 

I am probably facilitating her need for an emotional bond with someone while they talk about all the exciting stuff a new relationship entails. Shes getting the best of both worlds. Therein lies my problem right now - take the hit for potential gain or just be done with her right now.

 

If love were like the movies id follow her home and write some love songs, everything would be great, but turns out in real life that is just creepy... haha!

 

Anyways good luck to us!

[lavenderdove]

I'm not sure what you are waiting for at this point. If she is showing a lot of interest in you at this point, you'd best get in there and tell her you still have hopes of reuniting, and see what she says. If she says no, then you know it is time to move on, and if she says yes, then don't defer your studies, and go with her.

 

Life gives you certain windows and opportunities, and they don't stay open forever, especially if one person is moving far away and you are broken up and not even together. It's like you have some timeline in your mind, but frankly, she is living her own life which doesn't have to conform to your timeline, and if she meets someone back there that she really likes, your window of opportunity may be gone forever.

 

So i suggest you become honest with her rather than trying to game her into some future possibilities when you may be ready and she may not. Take advantage of this time to really see if you guys have a chance to get back together, and if not, time for you to move on rather than hang around in limbo for years on end on a slim chance she may come back.

[catfeeder]

I would agree with this if you're not entirely solid about staying away from her for a year. If her answer could change your decision about that, you've actually got something to win by coming clean. However, if this could only position her to be left hanging for the next year while you remain put and she's supposed to magically ignore the guy she's got on deck, I'd stay the course.

[peterson24]

Thanks for the replies everyone, has given me some things to think about, thats for sure...

 

I believe I will heed the advice given here and make my feelings known and try to make the best of what might be my last opportunity to get them out there. Not really sure how and when to do that though, I still have about another month to make up my mind on school. I was planning on just playing it by ear, seeing if anything transpires naturally.

 

I know she finds comfort, compatibility and friendship in me, but i also know that I probably cannot really compete with this new guy in terms of his novelty right now, so im thinking any attempts at bringing up my feelings will just end up going badly.

 

She hasn't really dated or explored or grown since our break due to our location... she is sad here, misses her friends and family first and foremost. I think her getting home and back to herself will be the precursor to any getting back together on our part.

 

That being said, I would regret forever being silent at this crossroads in my life and closure would certainly help.

 

Ohh decisions decisions...