why do we even bother?

[sandrawg]

I am so disgusted with dating and relationships right now.

 

I've been seeing this guy for a month and a half-not exclusively, but intimately, if you get my drift. I met him on a dating site. We talked about the possibility of getting together after he got off work tonight. Well, I didn't get a text from him all day. I can understand if he got busy and didn't get a chance to contact me but, funny, when I checked my profile on the dating site, I noticed he logged in about an hour before me! Hmm, time to log into your dating site profile, but no time to text me. FAIL!

 

I am also seeing my ex. I've been deathly afraid to commit to him and very cautious, because of stuff he did to me before. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this, except I miss the intimacy and he can be really sweet sometimes. Well we've been talking about taking a trip-a vacation, but today he tells me, he's going to Burning Man again-this would be his third time, and we were together the other two times. The 2nd time he went I felt resentful because that took up all his money and his vacation time, and he had no time for me. Now he's doing it again. People don't change, so remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result.

 

I'm so tired of this. I get guys hitting on me all the time and in the back of my mind I think, just another loser jerk who's going to stand me up, or lie to me, or cheat on me. Why bother.

 

I think it's not just the junk that's going on with guys. My job is frustrating me and irritating me right now. I have my boss on my back about stupid stuff and expecting me to take 5 minutes to get the millions of things I'm expected ot do done, plus with the difficult economic situation, I've had to take a pay cut.

 

THIS SUCKS.

 

I just feel like I want to scream, throw something, cry...give up. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Im too tired to write alot. but I do know theres alot of agreeable nice people out there.

 

I know for a long time I subconciously ruled them out, and headed straight for the guys that were no good for me.

 

Personally, I think dating sites are breeding grounds for players.

 

I met my SO online actually, on a regular private forum, and we just happened to start talking about different things and from there its history.

[cl76]

Calm down. You need to call a friend who will listen - preferably a female one (because men tend to want to solve your problems rather than console you). You're just stressed out because you feel that you have way too much on your plate and you would like some emotional support right about now.

[sandrawg]

Yeah-you're right. No one is up right now, though, so I'm venting here. I have many good female friends but no one I feel I can just call up and cry on their shoulder.

[sandrawg]

I think it should be a female friend because I'm just really annoyed by men right now.

[Sn0man]

Well you met a guy on a dating site - so he's obvioulsy dating, and don't be so presumptuous to assume he's only dating YOU. When relationships are NEW (and I use the term 'relationship' very loosely) there are no rules about how often you should see or talk to someone, so you need to relax in your opinion of him not contacting you simply because he had an hour free. Maybe he spent that hour talking to someone else. And if he did, how is that a problem? You said you are also seeing your ex, so how do you justify being mad at him?

 

I think you need to re-evaluate how you see 'dating' and make sure you are not placing double standards on these people.

[poison ivy]

 

I'm so tired of this. I get guys hitting on me all the time and in the back of my mind I think, just another loser jerk who's going to stand me up, or lie to me, or cheat on me. Why bother.

 

Honest feedback - you set the tone. If you go out with guys, do you make it explicit that you are dating? And will you still see this guy even when he broke his promise to you? Think about what message that sends to him.

 

What I've learnt about guys is that they sometimes try to get away with minimal effort. If you let him get away with it, he'll keep doing it to you! Since I have gotten back into the online dating thing I have been very clear about boundaries. First date, second date, more dates, discussion about being exclusive, then sex. Those who are lost along the way were never worth it to begin with. I've learnt the hard way that I am just not emotionally equipped for casual/hanging out/grey blah etc etc. So now it's simple, if you want to see me, we date. If you want to have sex with me, we're exclusive.

 

Sorry if I rambled on, but I hope that helps!!

[amipushy]

Well you met a guy on a dating site - so he's obvioulsy dating, and don't be so presumptuous to assume he's only dating YOU. When relationships are NEW (and I use the term 'relationship' very loosely) there are no rules about how often you should see or talk to someone, so you need to relax in your opinion of him not contacting you simply because he had an hour free. Maybe he spent that hour talking to someone else. And if he did, how is that a problem? You said you are also seeing your ex, so how do you justify being mad at him?

 

I think you need to re-evaluate how you see 'dating' and make sure you are not placing double standards on these people.

 

I agree.

 

No disrespect to you but you are his ex so I'm with him I'm afraid when it comes to going to the burning man again- it looks awesome!

[DN]

I've been seeing this guy for a month and a half-not exclusively, but intimately, if you get my drift. I met him on a dating site. We talked about the possibility of getting together after he got off work tonight. Well, I didn't get a text from him all day. I can understand if he got busy and didn't get a chance to contact me but, funny, when I checked my profile on the dating site, I noticed he logged in about an hour before me! Hmm, time to log into your dating site profile, but no time to text me. FAIL!

 

Did you contact or message him at all during the day? Did he say he would be the one to call or contact you?

 

If not and he were to change 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she' - these exact words could have been written by him.

 

And even if he did say he would contact you - you could still have sent him a text. Why be so passive?

[sandrawg]

You guys didn't get the jist of my problem with the dating site guy AT ALL.

 

I don't have a problem with him seeing other women.

 

My problem is that he didn't have the common courtesy to TEXT me or call me or anything to let me know he'd be working too late to get together, when we had tentative plans. It really bugs me to be stood up.

 

And as for my ex--if he were to quit partying so much and maybe save some money, perhaps he'd have money to actually go on a vacation with me for once. We've been off and on for two years and NEVER taken even one weekend together for a vacation.

 

Wouldn't that bug ANY of you?

 

If he wants to go to burning man by himself, fine-all I would ask is take some time to be with me, but he can't even do that, cuz burning man takes him away from work for his full two weeks vacation. All he does there is party. I guess my main problem is he just wants to party-he goes out to bars w/his single friends all the time, and I'm tired of that. Burning man is just another example.

[sandrawg]

Um, he was working all day and us getting together was dependent upon HIS schedule, not mine, so the impetus was on him to contact me and let me know how late he'd be working.

 

I got nothing.

 

Silence.

 

He works for a TV show, so I assumed they were shooting or something and he couldn't contact me, but then I see, NO he had time to check his dating site email, you'd think he could've shot me an email or text or SOMETHING. But no.

 

Did you contact or message him at all during the day? Did he say he would be the one to call or contact you?

 

If not and he were to change 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she' - these exact words could have been written by him.

 

And even if he did say he would contact you - you could still have sent him a text. Why be so passive?

[25thfloor]

ok...when you sleep with someone in a non-exlusive relationship, you better be pretty strong. because you have no ties to that man. i just had this talk with one of my GF, and i said 'don't think you're something special because you slept together'...because you're not. you haveing fun...the same as the guy. which is fine, if that's what you're both looking for. and if you found each other on a dating site...then it is especially hurtful when they prefer to be online than to call you. i do hear you....he's been rude...but that's who he is. he doesn't respect you enough to give you a call...but you set this up yourself...hence, you gotta be really cool and laidback to have this sort of 'relationship' with folks. me? i don't have the stomach for it unless i meet him out of town and never plan on seeing him again.

[sandrawg]

Yeah-actually this is the most helpful advice I've gotten

 

No, I don't think I do want to see him again.

 

Like I said, it was pretty clear, I was sitting around waiting to hear back from him about his work. He didn't have the common courtesy to let me know what was up. I refuse to spend my time sitting around waiting for a guy.

[DN]

Generally speaking it is best not to assume things in the early stages of dating. You said you assumed he was busy but you could still have texted him - he doesn't have to answer right away.

 

Was it agreed that he would call you? Or did you just assume that?

[girl68]

I think you're picking the wrong guys.

 

I don't think you're "seeing" your ex. You love him, he's using you.

 

Drop your ex- now. Get rid of mister no call. And NEXT! Let men hit on you but choose selectively. Talk on the phone for longer, go home alone a few more night before you don't go home alone. Try to meet funny guys that just make you feel good- not orgasm good, that will come later.

[Anyway]

Wouldn't that bug ANY of you?

 

I'm a guy and being stood up would definitely bug me and it would be the reason for deleting the phone number.

[Bartok]

The simplest thing I can tell you is this: get over it.

 

I understand your frustrations 100%. Everything from the relationship issues to the financial situation - while I can't say I've been where you are, I can pretty confidently say I'm in a worse spot on both fronts. Ultimately, as bad as things get, you just have to get over it and move on. Do whatever you can to accomplish that.

 

And, please, don't make sweeping generalizations about males just because of these bad apples. It's unhealthy and counterproductive.