Difficulty having deep feeling for women nowadays

[Master_Bates]

I seem to have difficulty developing deep feelings for women like I used to. When I was younger, like in my late teens to early 20's, I was one of those hopeless romantic types. I wanted to find my "soul mate" and be together with her forever, etc., and I tended to obsess over certain women I thought were the perfect gal for me, even before I got to really know them. Eventually I started having real relationships, only for the love of my life to turn into a crazy psycho nutcase on me, or have it end some other way and having my heart broken.

Now, I have gradually come to view women as sex objects and little more than that, or friends to have fun with and have sex with, and I have been more successful with women than ever before with this attitude. Recently I met this one great gal, and just viewed her as another girl to have a little fun with, date, have sex with, didn't care if it lasted or not. Now she is in love with me and wants to marry me. I realize that if I had met someone like her in high school or college I would have gotten butterflies in my stomach and probably would dream about her being my soul mate and other such nonsense.

Problem is, intellectualy I know she is a good match for me, but I just cannot get that butterlies in my stomach feeling for women anymore. I get feelings of lust but not really love. I tell her I love her because that is what she wants to hear. But I cannot get myself emotionally attached in the same way I used to when I was younger. I don't see her as this perfect little angel but as just another person, another woman. We have a lot of the same interests and I should have oneitis for her but I don't. Have I turned into some sort of sociopath because I have had my heart broken by women one too many times? I am not a sociopath in the sense that I am mean, I am not, I just don't have feelings like I used to in romantic relationships. What is wrong with me? Are there other older guys, late 20's and up, who have become jaded in a similar fashion, after spending their younger years being a hopeless and frustrated romantic?

[velvette]

sounds likely. when we were on the verge of breakup, my boyfriend said he'd never allow himself to get as close to another person as he did me, and he meant it. he said he'd never date again.

 

but really, don't blame the women. only you can change yourself. just treat her as if you really loved her, and your emotions should catch up eventually. usually emotions lead to actions, but sometimes actions must lead the emotions.

[OziJack]

. What is wrong with me? Are there other older guys, late 20's and up, who have become jaded in a similar fashion, after spending their younger years being a hopeless and frustrated romantic?

 

There is nothing WRONG with you now. The reality of dating, and winning and losing, has entered your understanding .

You have transcended the dopamine driven hormonal rush.

 

There is NO SUCH PERSON as your "soulmate". THat's a myth. There are probably hundreds of compatable women out there for you. Enjoy as many as you can manage.

 

You sound perfectly normal and fine to me . Welcome to the adult world of men.

[teressa]

The only part that sounds very "off" to me, is that you make it sound like you never have been able to fall in love with a REAL, NORMAL, IMPERFECT human being like yourself...only with a "perfect little angel".

 

I know many wonderful and incredibly sweet men and women. I don't know any "perfect little angels". All people have bad times, imperfections. If it takes putting someone on a tall pedestal for you to love them, that might be your problem right there.

 

Falling in love with a normal average human being like yourself is a good thing. It's not soul mate crap either, it's more like...finding someone you agree with on many things, that you really enjoy and can rely on. Someone you can love or be in love with without making them into some kind of preternatural creature.

[kitchentable]

I'm in a pretty similar mindset man. I went through this same phase about 5 years ago in my early twenties. Just had my heart broken and it took me 5 years to let someone in again. I cared for all of the other girls but what struck me as odd was how amazingly successful I had become with women when I wasn't in love with them. Then, I fell in love again. What do you know? She broke my heart. Starting to feel the same as I did before. This time around though, I don't even sleep with them because I can't bring myself to use someone and I wouldn't want them preg or any other mishap. So, I'm abstinent. It's hard too because I'm a pretty sexual guy. Makes me sour. Sorry women, but I love you equally and you get bored, treat you like a doormat and you can't get enough. Your psychology drives me nuts. I'm not talking about a girl simply dumping me. I'm talking about someone you truly love starting to treat you like dirt and you walk away telling yourself "does someone have to be the chaser and or the chased for a relationship to work? Or can there be a real balance?"

 

Be the man, take the lead, respect independence, be romantic, be mysterious, be open, be stoic, be open, be a challenge, be respectful, don't change for her, compromise, be stable, be spontaneous, communicate, don't be insecure though, don't smother, don't ignore, be yourself, don't show weakness, etc. This list is endless and it makes no sense. When us guys really fall though, we want to it all right anyway. When we don't care you beg for more and never leave but you are never happy either way.

 

Correct me if i am wrong.

[lifeiscash]

Great post. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Like you, I myself have been burned so many times by women that I have opened up to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the "too nice" type guy, but I do have a major heart and care about people. Recently after years of getting older, my heart has become hard. I learned that people are naturally selfish and look out for their own personal interests, not particularly others. Over time I have lost respect for women.

 

How can I respect women and modern day relationships? Divorce rate is 50%. 70% of couples cheat on one another, etc. I am also a hypocrite. I have had multiple sexual relationships with girls that have boyfriends. It's easy to say that it's just the women I go for, I don't agree. Deep down in every person we want what we can't have and many times go out of our way to attain it.

 

Either way, how can you have a deep excitement with a woman if you don't respect them? I don't get excited anymore. I used to but I learned and realized that its a waste of emotion. The moment you open up and care as a man.. it's the moment you are burned.

[velvette]

I think the list applies to women as well.

 

be girly, let him feel manly, take care of yourself, be open, don't talk too much, compromise, be yourself, be sweet, but not annoying, be caring, don't pry, be stable, be fun, don't smother, don't ignore, etc same things.

 

when you don't care you're more likely to attract the ones with low self-esteem. only those would stick around, thinking they won't get anyone better. everyone else would have left. that's the only explanation I can think of, for the phenomenon you guys seem to be experiencing. because I personally wouldn't stay with a guy who didn't care.

 

 

also, not respecting women, not respecting a whole group of people (in this case, half the population!), is always a bad sign.

[Lowconfidence]

Are there other older guys, late 20's and up, who have become jaded in a similar fashion, after spending their younger years being a hopeless and frustrated romantic?

 

I get where your coming from. Count me as another guy who's become jaded. This is an excellent post.

[teressa]

Why do nice guys always chase crazy, mean, materialistic women, and overlook the nice girls right next to them?

 

Respect is different from expecting people to be super human. Wouldn't it be great if we could respect our partners enough to let them make mistakes? If they gave back as much as they got?

 

I have to admit I have the same jaded feelings you talk about, about men, and for many of the same reasons. Unromantic, uncommitted, lying, unpleasant situations in my past with men, have made it so that I can't get excited about them the way I used to. I can't see a man as someone strong who will love and care for me...only as someone who's going to sleep with me for a while and grudgingly act nice in order to get me to do things for them.

 

I know deep down this sin't how things are, and I am trying to be ok with people I'm involved with having their flaws. But once you've been burned it's tough to go back.

 

 

Also, contradiction: Don't be so distant or I'll get jaded. Don't be too clingy because I'm not ready to be serious as soon as you are. Ugh! These things do indeed go both ways.

[LBP]

We're in the same boat, bud.

[acinom]

I feel the same way. I have fallen hard for about four men in my life. I would have done anything for them. One was quite ill and was very happy to have such a great girl accept him because he never thought he would find love as his ME had stopped him develop his career and put restrictions on his socialising. Yet he was quite happy to dump me twice. Those four guys crushed me. I don't think i could take being burned that badly by men again. My girlfriends often talk about men they like. I say nothing. If i let a man in he only lets me doen.

[kitchentable]

I know this bitterness will pass eventually. It may take some time but I'll respect women again when I meet the right one. It's too much fun to be in love to prevent myself from feeling it again. Even Jesus was betrayed, it's a fact of life. To the poster saying "why do nice guys go after crazy ones?" I thought the last one was a nice girl. She seemed so introspective and different. She sounded like a lot of folks on this board. Despised people who used others etc. She ended up burning me pretty badly.

[Yanet]

I know this bitterness will pass eventually. It may take some time but I'll respect women again when I meet the right one. It's too much fun to be in love to prevent myself from feeling it again. Even Jesus was betrayed, it's a fact of life. To the poster saying "why do nice guys go after crazy ones?" I thought the last one was a nice girl. She seemed so introspective and different. She sounded like a lot of folks on this board. Despised people who used others etc. She ended up burning me pretty badly.

 

People suck in general. It might very well the case that they genuinely want to be virtuous, but humans are morally and spiritually weak and unlikable. Media and books portray the image of everlasting love and a soulmate, when the harsh reality is that it doesn't exist. It's not human nature to obtain it, and certainly not deserve it.

[woahisme13]

I here ya man. I've been in love with three women in my life. Only to get my heart ripped. Then I hook up with girls I could care less about in order to help me get over it and make my self feel better. I used to feel bad about it, in retrospect, but now I figure they're probably just doing the same thing after some dude burned them.

 

Live and learn.

 

I'm actaully starting to think that the reason so many relationships fail these days is for 2 reasons.

 

1) We all have such negative views on them that we go into relationships believing that they aren't going to work, constantly suspicious, playing games, holding ourselves back so that we don't get hurt, that when anything tough comes along we give up in order to find something better. And repeat.

 

2) Some people are so worried about finding someone to love, their "soulmate", or being in love that we idealize people and build them up in our minds to be something that they aren't (i.e. honeymoon period). Then 5 or 6 months down the line we start to see the people for who thay truly are and we don't like that person anymore.

 

People don't take the time to actually get to know one another these days. We are so worried about being "friendzoned", or finding our "soulmates", or worrying about a made up set of social standards for dating "rules"

 

If you like somebody just tell them. Games are only fun when they involve cards, dice, or balls.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[jija777]

This is a much bigger problem than I think people give it credit for--both men and women in this current post-modernist culture are only experiencing the collective burn that results when we all start to believe we are gods and everything is about us. Post-modernist thinking follows that there is no objective truth; thus everything is relative. Your truth depends on what you think, so if you change your mind; you have a new truth. How can you have a relationship when your first commitment is to yourself? There is nothing healthy about the way we do relationships now--they are some vague concept between "hooking up" (whatever that is) and marriage, with no expectation of permanence. Of course this burned out attitude would be the result of such an ideology. Its all nice and fun until you fall in love...then the "being free, friends with benefits, swinger" attitude rips you a new one.

 

fantastic fun isn't it?

 

married 3 years and obsessively in love with a HUGE crush on my man

[mca1975]

Well I'm a woman and I also had a hard time developing feelings for someone. I just had casual flings for a long time, and though I pursued them for more, when they offered more, I was scared of it. Very messed up. I have obviously been very hurt in the past like you.

 

Now I am happy with my boyfriend of six months, but its been hard getting there!

 

Maybe you should think about how it might feel if she wasn't around.. would you care, or would you just move on to the next? I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all, maybe you are just not ready for a relationship right now. There are plenty of men (and women) out there just having a good time and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

One day you won't be able to help feeling something for someone.

[teressa]

I know this bitterness will pass eventually. It may take some time but I'll respect women again when I meet the right one. It's too much fun to be in love to prevent myself from feeling it again. Even Jesus was betrayed, it's a fact of life. To the poster saying "why do nice guys go after crazy ones?" I thought the last one was a nice girl. She seemed so introspective and different. She sounded like a lot of folks on this board. Despised people who used others etc. She ended up burning me pretty badly.

 

Been through that with a guy, too.

 

He seemed nice, kind, gentle, and honest. Turned out to be some kind of self-styled player type, and lied to me to the point where it took me years to trust anything a man said.

 

They seem so good at the start, then they get nasty.

 

Why do great girls go after jerks? Why do nice guys chase maniacs?

 

Because they don't show you that part of themselves until you're hooked.

[waveseer]

Why do great girls go after jerks? Why do nice guys chase maniacs?

 

Because they don't show you that part of themselves until you're hooked.

 

You are so right!