The lesson

[Anusha]

I read that for a situation stop to keep happening with you have to learn the lesson.Is like the universe keep puting you trough those situations to teach you something that you need to develop and grow as a person and until you learn it,this situation will keep happening over and over again.With me what keeps happening is that I get rejected on my relationships,it happened a few times already what makes me think I still didnt get the lesson.What you think the lesson can be?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I read that for a situation stop to keep happening with you have to learn the lesson.Is like the universe keep puting you trough those situations to teach you something that you need to develop and grow as a person and until you learn it,this situation will keep happening over and over again.With me what keeps happening is that I get rejected on my relationships,it happened a few times already what makes me think I still didnt get the lesson.What you think the lesson can be?

 

 

Sometimes the only real lesson is that there are simply a lot of jerks out there and if you are a nice person, jerks are always there to take advantage..and since jerks are often clever enough to beat the system because that is what they spend their life doing, they are just too out of the nice person's league...and that is a good thing. A nice person should never learn how to be a jerk.

[OrangeMoon]

1.Learning how to break up..how to let go when the reality of a relationship does not outweigh the dream of it. It has been hard for me to let go once i am in something (good or bad..mostly bad)

 

2. Oh yeah..and learning how to go for the man you want..and not the one you can get/have

 

3. Last but not least, learning to be happy with myself..to live life fully alone and be the best i can be for me and no one else. I guess this one is the most important one because it has caused me getting dumped by guys that werent that into me often..and has lead to the impatience i felt when choosing a guy. Finding the right person takes times (time alone)...i saved time by going for guys i could get easily.

[OrangeMoon]

I read that for a situation stop to keep happening with you have to learn the lesson.Is like the universe keep puting you trough those situations to teach you something that you need to develop and grow as a person and until you learn it,this situation will keep happening over and over again.With me what keeps happening is that I get rejected on my relationships,it happened a few times already what makes me think I still didnt get the lesson.What you think the lesson can be?

 

 

I am sorry you asked about your lesson didnt you haha..

 

a guess..

 

I think ..if you get rejected often. You are not playing in the right market (or selling it correctly) or you are not truly ready to commit ( you are actually ambivalent in that case). Because ultimately you are the one who keeps choosing them.

[Anusha]

I am sorry you asked about your lesson didnt you haha..

 

a guess..

 

I think ..if you get rejected often. You are not playing in the right market (or selling it correctly) or you are not truly ready to commit ( you are actually ambivalent in that case). Because ultimately you are the one who keeps choosing them.

 

Is ok,I could relate to some of your lessons

[WorkingInLin]

I think the lesson is simply that you're choosing the wrong men. There are a lot of bad people out there, but a lot of really great people, too.

[Anusha]

I think the lesson is simply that you're choosing the wrong men. There are a lot of bad people out there, but a lot of really great people, too.

 

I dont think so,if that had happened once or twice ok but it happened 4 times in a row already.I think that means there is something with me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People often keep going through the same experiences over and over in their life..not only with their love life but with other things. Some people are repeatedly unlucky in their job and bounce from job to job through no fault of their own until one day their luck turns around. I met one person who always seems to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and has been a victim of crime several times. Some people live their life with repeated health problems. Some people have lives with repeated traumatic experiences or repeated tragedies. The lessons are not necessarily about how to have a foolproof way of preventing it from ever happening again...it is not about "what did I do wrong that this happened to me yet again". The lessons are "what can I look out for the next time", "how can I protect myself better", "when I encounter the same situation yet again what can I do differently to perserve my sense of self". These are the lessons learned...how to cope better when a certain situation arises. You can't change the situation but you can change how you deal with the situation. You can change how you deal with the jerks you encounter even if you don't always realize they are jerks until later on.

[atelis]

I dont think so,if that had happened once or twice ok but it happened 4 times in a row already.I think that means there is something with me.

 

 

you need to look at your relationship history and see if there is a pattern of behaviour in you and the type of guys you are attracting that is making the relationships dysfunctional.

 

I did this after sabotaging relationships for a long time........i finally realised that i have a lot of fear and that fear was causing me to sabotage perfectly good relationships and even avoid relationships.

 

It is difficult, because you need to look deep inside yourself and be honest. seek the help of a professional. do not take advice from friends because friends will rarely tell you what you need to hear only what you want to hear.

[Anusha]

I cant find the pattern.And with the first guys I liked I not even had a relationship so I dont know what I could have done.All of them just wasnt interested in me in a love way.I dont know how to reconize the guy is a jerk too because they just doesnt seem to be like that on the beginning.With my ex for example on the first years he was really sweet and caring and it just after 3 years or so of relationship that he started to act like if he didnt care.I usualy give myself much and become clingy,needy and too avaliable.You think can be that helped to ruin the relationship?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I cant find the pattern.And with the first guys I liked I not even had a relationship so I dont know what I could have done.All of them just wasnt interested in me in a love way.I dont know how to reconize the guy is a jerk too because they just doesnt seem to be like that on the beginning.With my ex for example on the first years he was really sweet and caring and it just after 3 years or so of relationship that he started to act like if he didnt care.I usualy give myself much and become clingy,needy and too avaliable.You think can be that helped to ruin the relationship?

 

 

If one person starts backing off, the natural reaction is for the other person to try to over-compensate. The real issue is the backing off and acting like the person doesn't care which sets the stage for the clingy, needy response. The bottom line is if the person backs off, then what should follow is one discussion as to why...if the backing off behaviour continues then walk away and don't look back. People who care in a meaningful way do not back off and become distant when the other person is clearly showing interest and caring.

[Anusha]

If one person starts backing off, the natural reaction is for the other person to try to over-compensate. The real issue is the backing off and acting like the person doesn't care which sets the stage for the clingy, needy response. The bottom line is if the person backs off, then what should follow is one discussion as to why...if the backing off behaviour continues then walk away and don't look back. People who care in a meaningful way do not back off and become distant when the other person is clearly showing interest and caring.

 

I see your point.When he started to back off I just panicked and started to become clingy and complain a lot.But by doing those things I just helped on making him back off even more.I learned that guys listen more to actions than to words too so I shouldnt have spent years just complaning and not doing anything about it.I should have talked to him about what was bothering me,wait some time for him to change it and just take some action.

[lavenderdove]

There is not just one lesson in everything that happens, there are many lessons you can learn, and you need to evaluate everything that is going on rather than just look for a single 'lesson' like if you fix that everything will be fine.

 

You are focusing on rejection because that is causing you pain, and emphasizing a fear you have, that you will always be rejected and never find anyone. But that fear just isn't really valid, because everyone gets rejected a lot, and almost everyone marries at some point if they want to, so they do eventually find a relationship that sticks.

 

You need to more focus on looking at your own behavior, what you are doing and what is successful behavior in meeting your goals and what is not.

 

In your case, you have been hanging onto a guy (or the idea of being with a guy) who is long gone, not interested, treating you badly. So a more important lesson for you is figuring out why you insist on hanging onto and dwelling on something that isn't even giving you what you want at all. You want a relationship with someone who loves you, who is local and available, and this guy meets none of those criteria.

 

So you need to focus on whether your needs are getting met, and if they're not, just let go even if it is scary and painful to you. Every minute you hang onto this guy mentally is one more minue of pain, and you are getting no closer to your goal of being loved by someone, in fact hanging on to the idea of him is preventing you from meeting your goal and just wasting time.

 

So maybe the lesson here (or the most important lesson) is that you don't always get what you want, and you need to let go if the situation is harming you and preventing you from getting what you need. There is nothing in it for you to hang onto this guy, and you just won't let him go. You need to sit down, accept his is gone by feeling your own grief, then consciously putting him on a shelf mentally and refusing to dwell on the idea of him (or contacting him).

 

Letting go can be scary, but sometimes you have to let go in order to get unstuck and move forward. You're stuck in the same place, a painful place, and the only answer if letting go and moving on, whether you want to or not. Nobody wants to let go of someone they hope is 'the one', but if the other person doesn't feel the same way, you have no choice. Clutching at him and torturing yourself won't change his mind, and is certainly extremely bad for you.

 

And i already know what you'll say, you hurt so much and you don't know how to let go. Yes you do. You practice thought stopping and refuse to indulge the internal emotional drama you have for him. You kick him cold turkey like a drug addict kicks a drug. It doesn't mean you don't crave him now and again, but you don't indulge in wallowing in your own misery and thoughts of him. You give yourself a mental smack whenever he comes up in your mind, say NO!!!! and go do something else. Evict him from your mental house. That's what needs to happen or you'll never get better.

[lavenderdove]

And regarding your posts just above mine, you talk about being 'clingy'... well if the guy was loving you properly and the relationship was working, you wouldn't become clingy.

 

I see that more as a sign that the relationship was faltering because the guy changed his mind (which happens all the time) and wanted out, and you just were ignoring those signs and trying hang on for dear life because you wanted him.

 

The solution if someone pulls away is to ask what is wrong, and if they won't tell you or work on it, it means they're not interested and on their way out, so the proper response isn't blaming yourself but recognizing you need to let go and accept the guy wants out and let him go without clinging to him.

 

If it was a temporary problem in his own head he'll be back, but if he's decided to leave because he really doesn't want it, you could stand on your head and whistle dixie and he sitll wouldn't be interested.

 

You need to accept you just can't make someone else love you if they don't. If they don't, you need to let go and quit wasting time and find someone who does love you.

[Anusha]

Thank you for your advice Yes I guess is that too,I would complain and complain for years in this relationship.And just lately I realized that the reason I complained too much was because I was unhappy,because I wasnt getting what I need.But instead of just walk away I would just keep complaning and trying to change him.And then my complains became the problem and a reason for him to back off even more.I see I have problem to let go but Im working on that because I want that.All that time I have trying to make him care and be interested but I dont want to play that game anymore.Im tired of trying to change things and of all that battle to get the love I want.

[OziJack]

I dont think so,if that had happened once or twice ok but it happened 4 times in a row already.I think that means there is something with me.

 

There is a good chance that you perhaps do act in ways that turn men away.

 

However ,shifting the blame onto the "jerks out there" is rather pathetic and will teach you nothing except how to remain in victim thinking.

 

It is almost impossible for me to offer you even a wild guess at the problem or a possible solution without more information.

 

I have dated probably more than a hundred women. Some were great fun, most were nervous, some were drunk,a lot were lost in space, and some were a royal pain or a total wackjob, BUT a few were delightful..

 

Which type are you ? Did you ever get any feedback from those guys before they walked ?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is a good chance that you perhaps do act in ways that turn men away.

 

However ,shifting the blame onto the "jerks out there" is rather pathetic and will teach you nothing except how to remain in victim thinking.

 

It is almost impossible for me to offer you even a wild guess at the problem or a possible solution without more information.

 

I have dated probably more than a hundred women. Some were great fun, most were nervous, some were drunk,a lot were lost in space, and some were a royal pain or a total wackjob, BUT a few were delightful..

 

Which type are you ? Did you ever get any feedback from those guys before they walked ?

 

Feedback from someone who dumps you should be taken with a grain of salt, depending on the reasons for dumping. What one person doesn't like in a partner another person might think is perfectly fine. So to make changes just because one person doesn't like who you are is not the best idea. If you read her other posts this guy was indeed a jerk...he wanted to have her around for sex talks but nothing more. The minute she put her foot down and said she didn't want to do the sex talks since he had broken up with her, he decided that the friendship could go as well. In other words, he didn't want to date her anymore and only wanted to be her friend if he could have sexual conversations with her so he could pleasure himself. Not a fine upstanding person.

[Anusha]

There is a good chance that you perhaps do act in ways that turn men away.

 

However ,shifting the blame onto the "jerks out there" is rather pathetic and will teach you nothing except how to remain in victim thinking.

 

It is almost impossible for me to offer you even a wild guess at the problem or a possible solution without more information.

 

I have dated probably more than a hundred women. Some were great fun, most were nervous, some were drunk,a lot were lost in space, and some were a royal pain or a total wackjob, BUT a few were delightful..

 

Which type are you ? Did you ever get any feedback from those guys before they walked ?

 

No he didnt give feedback,he would say I was clingy and needy sometimes and that I put too much importance on the relationship and not much on my life (to me the relationship most of the time came first and I kind of tried to make him do the same).Is hard to say because to me he wasnt putting much effort on the relationship while to him I was putting too much.Im the sweet and romantic type that likes to spend a lot of time together and romantic things.I dont think he was a bad person but there was the sex talk story like CAD said.He iniciated contact with me after the break up but as soon I cuted the sex talk he wanted less contact and even thought about stoping it,what I thought wasnt much nice and made it seem that sex was all the was interested in.

[Anusha]

You need to accept you just can't make someone else love you if they don't. If they don't, you need to let go and quit wasting time and find someone who does love you.

 

I agree with what you said but I keep wondering why they dont love me? I think Im good looking and Im a nice person so why they dont love me? The other 3 wouldnt be interested since the beginning but my ex seemed pretty interested(it was him who iniciated the relationship first even) to seem to have lost the interest after 3 years.I dont know the reason even now,I just could notice that his behaviour changed.Like for example on the beginning we would chatt every day for hours and he started to want to chatt just on the weekends and he didnt seem bothered when we couldnt chatt or had to make the chatt smaller like he used to be.Or like he used to love when I called and after the 3 years he would seem bothered on them and not talk much and want to keep it short.Every time I asked even near the break up he would insist that he loved me and that had nothing to do with me.He would say he behaved that way because he was tired of the internet and that is what he wanted to be away from not from me.I dont know I just never could understand it.

[lavenderdove]

But Carol you are ignoring the HUGE problem that he lived in a different country and you never saw him and where not together. I know you think this is a 'real' relationship, but it just isn't. After a while, people get sick of being lonely and by themselves and living a 'fantasy' long distance relationship rather than a real, day to day relationship with a person where they build a life together, have actual sex, etc.

 

So a lot of this failure may have to do with the fact that you were in an LDR with not plans to live in the same place. After a while, it gets old and time to find a real boyfriend.

 

You should ask yourself why you are willing to settle for so little rather than a real loving boyfriend who you could share a life with rather than just a chat window. Frankly it is very normal for him to eventually lose interest in someone who is never around, and you need to work on wanting (demanding!) more than crumbs and a fantasy.

 

You just need a real boyfriend, and to quit living such an active fantasy romance in your head rather than a real romance with a live warm person in the same town.

[Anusha]

Right I think he just got enough of this LDR.He reached that point years ago,I remembered when he said that he was tired to have a relationship just trought the computer years ago even.Yeah you are right I should just go looking for a real relationship.

[atelis]

Carol, he even told you that he was too scared to get close to anyone because of hat happened with his parents in his childhood. This is your answer right there. You could be superwoman and he still won't love you because he won't let himself love or be loved by anyone. His fear is blocking any ability he has for a loving relationship. This is what fear does.......as soon as someone gets close to him he shuts down and withdraws.

 

The irony is that deep down, people like him (and me) really want a loving relationship more than anything, but the fear is so intense that when it hits it shuts down the emotions. That's why he clings on just for the sex.......it's a way of him having some intimacy without the fear that comes with a deeper loving relationship.

 

There is nothing you can do or could have done. He acknowledges he has this fear, but unless he is prepared to start doing something about it by seeking help, he will never have a healthy loving relationship.

[Anusha]

Right I think he tends to see love as sex.When I asked him if he was over me after the break up he said "no if I was I wouldnt be able to have those sex talks with you" or when I said something else about love he said "I know we arent just friends because if you were here we wouldnt be clothed for long".Is like to him love is equal to have desire to sex.Is like he doesnt get that love is way more than just sex.

 

I dont think he realizes that he has a problem,I think he thinks that is just how he is.A litle more closed than people but I dont think he realizes what it causes on his life and how it can keep him from having a healthy relationship.I tried to convince him to do therapy once but he just doesnt want to.I dont think he realizes how bad he makes the person that loves him to fell being like that.

 

He doesnt seem to get what love is.Every time I asked he would say he loves me and I bet even now he would say he loves me but look to how he is acting.He acts as somebody that doesnt care.He acts like if he talks with me fine and if he doesnt fine too,Im not saying he doesnt miss me or have any other fellings but it just doesnt seem so since he wont show.I tried many times to show to him that isnt how somebody that loves acts but he just never seemed to get it.And I just felt rejected,hurt and mad by this behaviour for years when he seem to not even realize what he is doing.I tried to do something about it but just never seemed to get him.

[penelope13]

Carol, I don't think it will serve you much to continue dwelling on his behavior rather than yours. I hope you are understanding and accepting that you can't change people, if they don't want to.

 

You ask what you did wrong in the relationship, I think you gave some of those answers, maybe without fully realizing that they are answers:

 

No he didnt give feedback,he would say I was clingy and needy sometimes and that I put too much importance on the relationship and not much on my life

 

I believe it is a twisted misconception that some people think you have to give yourself up completely and sacrifice everything for your relationship to the extend that you don't even know who you are outside that relationship. If someone gets attracted to you, they are becoming attracted to the person, the individual that you are before you even met them.

 

If you start to change who you are/were you are essentially a different person and thus are taking the huge risk that the new you is not what your partner initially saw and admired in you.

 

I understand that you want to spend as much time as possible with your partner (although I must say if that is true why in the world would you start a LDR without any end in sight?), but you still have to maintain your own identity.

 

Now it makes also a bit more sense why you seem so lost and why you were so stuck and not willing to let this relationship go, because you had essentially given up your identity.

 

You have to start to claim that back, do things you always wanted to do, go out, spend time with your friends and meet someone in close proximity.

[Anusha]

We had plans to move in together,we tried on 2005 for me to move there but the visa got rejected and we would try again on 2008 but we end up breaking up first before it.And yeah I know it was wrong what I did but I just wanted it so much to work that I was willing to put all the effort on it but on the end just end up ruining it.I made him the center of my world and I guess that could have helped to make him lose the interest on me.He just always had me there and so easily that lost the fun to him I think.He even said once when I was complaning that he didnt got jeaulos or missed me,"how can I get jeaulos if you almost never goes out? So there is nothing for me to be jeaulos from" and "How can I miss you if you are always avaliable? To miss something you need to know that thing isnt there".Now I know that doing that was wrong,yes I think Im finding the lessons.Thanks penelope13