On the receiving end of NC...

[Parisa]

I've read on this forum cases where NC has worked and I really do this how it does BUT once upon a time i was with a boy, and i had to move away to go to uni. ive never been a fan of relationships, especially not a LDR so i finished things. he then went on to NC for TWO YEARS. during this time i emailed him, phoned him, texted him, i got NOTHING and this all while he was telling his friends how much he loved me, how much i hurt him, how he cant get over it etc. he never meant for me to find out. he was quite impressive i have to say. now a couple of weeks back i get a phone call from him, wanting to meet up, casually, i very very reluctantly agreed. he was all happy, and great and fantastic lol he was trying hard to be normal. but i felt nothing. i know nc is meant to make the other person miss you and want you because they can;t have you but eventually it made me lose respect for him and made me realise that it took him two years to get over me which was very repelling.

 

my point is a lot of people are striving to get to that true permanant nc stage and i've been "lucky" enough to experience it. but let me say something, please only strive for this for YOURSELF and your OWN well being. do not attempt this for the sole purpose of getting back your ex because i truly don't think it works. it only works because you were MEANT to get back together. i sometimes think if after a couple of months of nc he'd very cooly arranged to meet that would've made me respect him a lot more and maybe reconsidered. the way he cut me out just proved to me how much i affected him. after 2 years of cutting me out he was still no different when he saw me again.

 

every scenario is different, people are different, so the only thing i can advice is if you are attempting nc then please do it for yourselves. if it's meant to be, it'll be. make them miss you, but don't make them remember you as the person they saw last. you want them to see you when you're CONTENT. not ridiculously happy but content. there's nothing nicer then seeing someone stable and peaceful.

[IBelieve]

You speak the truth.

 

I think a lot of the time people forget that NC is supposed to be used to improve themselves. It may be hard at first but having no contact or updates from your ex is very beneficial in the long run. Do things you always wanted to do, pick up hobbies, meet new people. When you get to the point where you are happy with yourself and your life, good things will come.

[amipushy]

I think you are a good example of exactly why people should go NC and never look back.

[OziJack]

i know nc is meant to make the other person miss you and want you because they can;t have you

.

 

No it is not.

 

NC is to remove a problem from your life.

[Parisa]

amipushy- please explain

 

ozijack- im not saying that's why everyone chooses to go down that path, i'm saying i've seen a lot of people advice others to go nc because of those very reasons.

 

my point was nc is fine and beneficial but it shouldn't be for your ex's benefit, it should be for your own! my example was meant to show nc alone doesn't get people back together, it's the change and growth you make as a person during that time which attracts that person to you again.

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Thank-you for post.

 

I agree with what you have said to an extent, but I want to add something because I think your ex took NC too far.

 

I personally feel that "going NC" should be done as an act of love. The dumpee needs to gather himself, focus on himself, and develop the confidence to stand on his own two feet. In doing so, he needs to recognize that the final act of love he can do for her (the dumper) is to let her go with love. This is not a "game" -- this is usually the best course of action when one person still loves the other in a break up that isn't mutual.

 

That is why I usually suggest having "closure" before NC. The underlying message is to be communicated, without any efforts to try to change the dumpers mind and without any searching for explanations, is:

 

(1) I love you enough to let you go so that you can have your needs met; namely, to have freedom

(2) Being friends is not an option because it would get in the way of moving on and healing. This means no e-mails, no text messages, no phone calls, no carrier pigeons, no smoke signals, no contacting the other's family/friends, no showing up at their house, no stalking, no vacations together, no facebook, no MSN, no sign language, etc.

(3) The door is open if the dumper changes his/her mind, but the dumpee won't be waiting around (this important step requires the dumpee to be truly confident that he is doing the right thing)

 

This message is delivered in a loving, confident manner, and it is done so because deep down the dumpee knows that he needs to heal and move on, but he also knows that by "disappearing" off the planet, and also letting her go in a loving way, then she has a chance to experience a void in her life without him, and she has the chance to make a conscious choice for a deeper commitment. If she doesn't make such a choice under those circumstances, then he can be sure it wasn't meant to be, and can accept that. The door is left OPEN, but left open in a self-respecting, confident manner that shows the dumper that the dumpee is moving on and not waiting around.

 

If the "dumper" is a distancer, then they typically have trouble actually believing what their dumpee says. It is, thus, very important for the dumpee to do it right and not violate his own promises. It can take a long time for a distancer to finally believe that their pursuer (dumpee) is actually really, totally gone, and NOT waiting around.

 

The objective of this is to let the other person go in a respectable and loving manner. The dumper then knows that if she contacts him (e-mails, text messaging, whatever), then she is at risk of interrupting the process of moving on, and that contacting him might mean she still has feelings for him. Thus, she will fight the urge to contact him for as long as possible until she either realizes that her feelings are still very strong, even though at one time they seemed to have vanished, or that she really doesn't miss him and she can learn and move on, too.

 

Your ex didn't quite realize all of this. He went NC and maybe he did it as a tactic and held onto his feelings for you without truly letting go. I think it is a bit unfair of you to see him as not worthy of respect for this -- it is flattering to be admired from afar, and he obviously had strong feelings, even though you do not. Go easy on the poor fella in your judgments -- he didn't know what to do and handled things in a way that he thought might bring you back, and he waited a long time, and he probably went against his own instincts and thought he was doing the right things.

[wanttobehappy]

Ah I learned more and more... being a new dumpee here.

 

What you mentioned about "closure" is sooo right.

I got dumped and basically got shoved into a taxi still crying (he paid the taxi driver to take me home though).

Today I sought closure, sent him a confident but cheerful email. He at first ignored me, then after a message on his mobile, he finally replied: glad I am strong, wishes me the best, cherishes the past.

 

It was my closure. I felt ready to move on, to gradually forgetting him.

Now I realise it's because it shows that I am willing to go away by myself, not because he kicked me away! I am a proud person, but I suppose everyone has pride too. Noone likes to be rid of, they need to feel that they go away by their own.

 

I am going NC now. Slight difference is, my NC is for myself, not to attempt to make him feel the emptiness without me, because he won't. If what he told me was real, he's trying to get back with his ex who suddenly resurfaced.

 

 

[Pixiedoc]

I agree that the longer you go NC (well for me anyway), the more respect I lost for my ex in that all the protestations of caring, even as a friend, came to nothing when someone doesn't even care enough to ask you how you are from time to time. That's much LESS than you or they would do for friends.

 

I also agree however, that some sort of closure is important before NC, although NC itself can go some way towards providing this if you can't have that 'loving' NC conversation as described above. Some people just cut off contact without a conversation for their sanity and recovery as their ex won't communicate with them, or it's negative, or they are just feeling too hurt.

 

It has to be an individual decision based on what you feel you need from NC yourself, but I agree that unrealistic expectation can just hinder recovery.

[cupid]

MrSoandSo,

Great post as always. Your posts are a great inspiration where I found strength and rediscovered my self respect through this difficult process. You generally focus on the part till the dumpers discover the emptiness and call you back for reconciliation. Say that happened. They called you, apologiozed in a very level headed and calm manner and stated that they want to give it another shot. What is the right tone and way to proceed with the reconciliation? What would be your suggestions on the reconciliation process?

[aglaia]

and what happens if the dumper doesn't contact you? does the dumpee just continue NC all the way? i'm kind of confused by this now...

 

Parisa what if the reason your ex didn't respond to your calls back then was really because he was not ready to respond? but he is ready now and is therefore getting in touch? I don't see why you would lose respect for him because he took the time to heal, unless you're saying you know that he hasn't moved on at all.

[agtc]

and what happens if the dumper doesn't contact you? does the dumpee just continue NC all the way? i'm kind of confused by this now...

 

I have a feeling my ex of 7 yrs will not come around at all. He seems to be too into his new girl and that's fine with me. I will just continue NC and not look back as I have been doing. He was the one who shut me out of his life so it's his duty to reconnect, IMHO.

[WomanWriter]

Unlike some of the posters, I feel like your post has convinced me even more that NC is a BAD idea for someone who hopes to reconcile with a former partner.

 

I think that's exactly why I have attempted LC from now on.

 

Sending a simple email every month or two to ask "what's new" or pass on a job post or joke or new insight, etc. seems harmless to me. I think in a wat this shows my ex that I have no hard feelings and am moving on. I would think that if the ex is in so much pain that they can't bare to talk to me, then that is a bad sign. LC shows that you can move on, still check in from time to time, and gives you a chance to prove that you're strong.

ALSO LC helps me establish new memories in my ex's mind...so he doesn't remember me in a painful situation but gets a chance to grow with me even though we're apart.

 

Now, I have to say it's probably over forever with my ex...as he seems each day that breaking up was the best thing ever, but I do LC mostly for ME since that's what NC is supposed to be for but that doesn't help me as much.

[aglaia]

WW why do you say that LC is helping you more than NC? you must be very strong not to be affected by him and have any expectations from him when you go into LC... can you stand hearing updates about his life and him treating you like a casual acquaintance?

[skyblue69]

I go NC because after the 2nd time i was dumped he told me had had sex a "couple" of times with this other girl. He went into detail! That is just cruel to casually mention that to me like it's no big deal like i was just one of the guys.

 

heartless bastard.

 

i dont want to hear about him having sex with his ex, or any of their "relationship" problems.

 

im gone.

[nem69]

I go NC because after the 2nd time i was dumped he told me had had sex a "couple" of times with this other girl. He went into detail! That is just cruel to casually mention that to me like it's no big deal like i was just one of the guys.

 

heartless bastard.

 

i dont want to hear about him having sex with his ex, or any of their "relationship" problems.

 

im gone.

 

Have to say you are well shot of him

[Just Me85]

"I would think that if the ex is in so much pain that they can't bare to talk to me, then that is a bad sign. LC shows that you can move on, still check in from time to time, and gives you a chance to prove that you're strong."

 

 

What if your ex is in too much pain/anger to talk?

 

You say its a terrible sign, do you think they will be in pain forever? Ive been a month NC although I have tried to break it with no response so really its been about 2 weeks.

 

I wonder if anybody who has ever been heartbroken and unable to talk at all will ever come around? Or is it dead and buried forever?

[wanttobehappy]

I plan to go LC someday in far future, if he's ok with it.

I am upset and hurt now, but I know he's not a bad person to be friends with.

 

I realise that he has the rights to be happy, if he wants his ex back, then let him go. If he thinks we're not compatible, well maybe he's right. Not expecting to get back together, but I don't want to add 1 more name on my hate list.

[Parisa]

i think lc/nc depends on the every individual. not every breakup is the same and different things work for different people. i lost respect for my ex because 3 months after we broke up he started seeing someone else, i was very happy for him and let him now i was. still no response. when i brought it up when we met up, he told me that he was still not over it. i felt that nc wasn't for his benefit, as he had seemed to move on (his new relationship lasted a year!) but more of a punishment for me. i don't feel this is a go reason for going nc.

 

i understand the reasons as some of you have mentioned where you have no choice to go nc because the alternative is too painful. I think if your ex is generally tactless and has long emotionally detached then nc would be the best way to distance yourself from the pain and move on.

 

going nc has always come very naturally to me, it's how i deal with all my problems sadly. my friends, family, relationships. although it might seem ridiculous to some i always move on much quicker from the issue this way.

 

in my current situation tho (3 months after he broke up with me) my ex has not allowed any nc as much as i have requested that i need it. he feels that he had no choice but to break up with me as i had mistreated him and treats me as if i broke up with him. it's an odd situation because the pain of the break made me want to immediately cut ties as we see each other pretty much everyday. but I also feel responsible for it so nc to him would seem like further proof of the rejection i showed him throughout the relationship. we have gradually moved on from being friends (mutual suggestion) to... i don't know. we are definitly not friends and never were after the break up. we're just seeing where things are going. our relationship was suffocating and we're both getting our lives to the places we want and finding our own happiness and then fitting each other into that. is anyone else in a similar situation?

[Struggling23]

You go NC to heal, not to reconcile with your ex, if your fine hearing your ex going out with a new man/woman, fine hearing how the sex was great and the first kiss then by all means don't do NC.

 

I do NC because my ex broke my heart, and not talking to her or having any sort of communication does not give me false hope, or hurt me anymore.

 

I can't believe people actually think being friends with your ex when you hope to reconcile is going to make you have a greater chance your only setting yourself up for hurt. Look at it this way, has your ex contacted you? Has he expressed in any way?

 

It's funny how they want to be friends why? to slowly ween you off no one likes going cold turkey instantly. Look I've done NC, I've done LC and the thing I always noticed, I was the only one initiating the converstations and i'm like screw that.

[Struggling23]

I plan to go LC someday in far future, if he's ok with it.

I am upset and hurt now, but I know he's not a bad person to be friends with.

 

I realise that he has the rights to be happy, if he wants his ex back, then let him go. If he thinks we're not compatible, well maybe he's right. Not expecting to get back together, but I don't want to add 1 more name on my hate list.

 

By the time you reach that stage, it's doubtful you will want to even be friends with him, trust me we all say it, "he/she was good to me for many years and we were great friends", once the rose colored glasses are taking off and you analyze everything they do, and you finally heal you will realize why would I want someone like that to be friends?

 

Heck I'm healed over my ex fiance at the stage of indifference, but why would I want to contact her? it's been 9 months, i'm going forward not back.

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Just a general response:

 

There's a difference between blindly going into NC and, instead, having closure and letting your ex know that you will let your ex go with love because you are not going to be selfish and you know that you love him enough to let him have his total freedom. That is the message you convey before you "disappear."

 

Sometimes closure isn't possible, and so then you work with you have -- namely, when your ex contacts you, you just remind him that you are respecting his space and cannot engage in friendship, out of respect for his decision. If they never contact you right from the beginning, then you know that is they what. Respect it and move on.

 

Every case is different but, most of the time, when you let your ex go for THEIR needs, and if you do it right, then what else can they do but respect you for maintaining your dignity and respecting their needs? This is especially important when they want to remain friends. When you love someone, and you deliberately let them go for their needs, it is one of the most powerful acts of love you can do, and you actually say to the person "I'm letting you go because I don't want to be selfish, and I respect your needs, and I love and care for you enough to know that you need your freedom. You will have your freedom, and I will let you go."

 

You add the "NC clause" when you say, "but being friends is not an option, because it would not be compatible with your desire for freedom, and it would be a tease for you and I to move on and to heal properly." With dignity and confidence, you add, "I'll leave the door open a bit if you change your mind, but I won't be waiting. I'll be moving on."

 

Imagine yourself on the receiving end of a calm, confident person (who you just dumped and who you expected to be totally pathetic), who suddenly lays it all on the line, and says that your needs will be respected, but you must also respect my needs. This person is confident and strong enough to totally respect your decision, and is also wise enough to know that respecting the decision means that being friends would get in the way of healing and moving on.

 

Now, some want to know, what do you do if the dumper indicates a possible desire to reconcile after some time has elapsed? You only respond with relationship talk if the dumper indicates a willingness. If the dumper says "I'm confused about my feelings," then you can suggest a testing period. You can say, "I understand that you are confused, and that is totally ok. We have two options: we can stay apart a few weeks and not be friends, and you can evaluate your feelings; or, we could spend some time with each other, go out and have fun, and NOT talk about any issues or problems -- just have FUN a few times in order to see how we feel without talking about anything serious." Remember, among other responsibilities, relationships are supposed to be fun and happy unions, but they tend to get too serious and scare people off.

 

When you say you will do something, you do it. That is so important. Always be aware of what you have said. For example, if you do "testing" (as noted above), then you go out with each other to test things out, and you make sure that you don't talk about problems or issues. That is what you promised, so that is what you do. So if the dumper says "well let's talk about such and such an issue" when you are supposed to be having fun, then you say, "I agree that that is an important issue, and we should discuss it some time in the near future, but at this time we agreed that we would see each other and just have fun, to test things out, and not to talk about serious issues until the right time. If you want, we can plan a time to discuss that issue, but for now, let's enjoy the moment and see where things go."

 

The underlying message for everyone is that you can take control of your life by showing that you will focus on yourself, on healing, and you will do so in a manner that respects the decision and needs of your ex. Otherwise, you will be on an emotional rollercoaster, while your ex will be doing just fine and you will suffer.

 

Sometimes, being friends can work, but only if the dumpee has moved into a new relationship or if the dumpee is equally ambivalent about his/her feelings. Essentially, the situation would be a mutual break up, or the break up is so far behind the two of you that you that it is like ancient history. Even with a mutual break up, I would suggest a period of 2 months or more of not being friends. But, when one person is in love with the other, 99.99% of the time, being friends is simply a formula for disaster.

 

As the original poster has indicated, she lost respect for her ex because he simply ignored her. He should have let her know that his actions were based on moving on, based on love and respect, rather than "punishing" her. Then, when she did contact him, he would have been able to let her know that he would respect her space. If she ended up feeling the desire to get back with him, then she would have known that he would be a good place to return to. It is likely that he didn't have the emotional maturity to realize this, and it is that lack of maturity that she didn't respect.

 

I still wouldn't be totally surprised if, in some time, the feelings re-emerge between these two -- although it is possible the connection is totally dead. I do want people to know, especially dumpers, that feelings can and do totally disappear or evade your conscious awareness, and they can and do come back, sometimes when least expected. They don't always come back, but if the relationship was viable, and if the break up was handled the right way, then there it is possible. But, that is the pull of attraction, desire, and love, and it takes more than that for a relationship to work out. Reconciling is one step in that direction, but there's always a lot of work to do to make it work in the long run.

 

I'm not giving my opinions in order to tell people how to get their ex back. This is about healing. You don't do this to get your ex back. Once you understand that, then you are really moving on. If you don't understand, then say it out loud to yourself: "I'm not doing this to get my ex back. I'm doing this for myself."

 

It just so happens that you are also giving the ex the chance to look deep inside without having you in the way, and you simply trust that if your ex does not come back, then it's not meant to be, because you did the right thing and the relationship did not bounce back after several weeks or months, and that is OK. You stand on your own two feet just fine.

 

Here is another good post by a dumper:

[longdist]

I guess as someone who has also been on the receiving end of NC, it does have some impact on the dumper initially. I know in my case it didn't have enough impact on me to try to rekindle things. After awhile, I eventually lost interest and thought the NC was childish (didn't realize its healing qualities at the time and that the person was just trying to help themselves). This repelled me away. At this stage I would maybe reconsider things.

 

The main point is that NC can eventually repel the dumper. I think if the dumper does try to make some contact, it is good to eventually respond nonchalantly, if emotionally possible. I don't suggest being at the dumper's becking call, but complete NC can drive the other person away. I think what would have worked best is if the dumpee would have seemed completely over things and if we would have had the occasional talk (once a month or so).

[Parisa]

in my current situation, i wanted nc pretty soon after we broke up but he refused it and became angry. i went three days happily with no nc and he texted me "so this how you treat someone you apparently love".... the break up was odd as he asked for it and i accepted initially. he broke up with me because i "emotionally broke up" with him "months ago". nc for me right now would hinder what we're trying to (building up, slowly, no pressure) because he needs me to prove that i love him because i didn't do a very good job of that when we were together. reading about all the benefits of nc actually makes me envious a little, i wish i could've had that, it seems my life would've moved on so quickly and easily. but i feel like i spent two years pretending i didn't love someone when they did nothing but show me their love and the only way to repair the damage is to prove it now. what do you think?

[longdist]

Well, I'll tell you that NC is not easy at all. It is something to initiate when you need to get over someone. In your case, it does not seem to be the best method, if you actually want to get back together with your ex, but make sure that you do want to get back together. If you emotionally broke up w/ him before the relationship ended, then maybe you had an underlying reason. So if you want to get back together, it sounds like you need to communicate. Did you feel like you were emotionally distant from him? If you have to act unnatural to please him and make him think that you love him, then the relationship probably won't work out in the end unless something gives.

 

If you acted that way b/c you didn't feel love from his end, then tell him. Communication is vital.

[Parisa]

Nc believe it or not is my remedy for every issue! not to say i run away, i explain that i need space and time and just "cut them out". its how i deal with friends that i have issues with, my mother when she goes on about me about my spending lol its not to say it's a good thing, it's just my natural instinct to people who cause my grief. when i was in the relationship i explained to my boyfriend that if we ever broke up we couldn't be friends after and i'd have to cut him out.

 

im very independent and he was my first serious boyfriend. it got serious very very quickly. we didn't "date" or get to know each other but we fell for each other, we were best friends throughout which helped. i had rules from the beginning, i told him to never bother telling me he loved me or i'd leave. and thus i never told him i loved him. our families knew and we'd gotten to a point of discussing wedding venues, how and where we'd bring up our kids, with our parents input. i was just scared i suppose, i couldn't possibly believe that he would do so much for me and sacrifice so much for me. i just thought he is too good to be true so i always had my guard up. always. we've talked things through and have talked extensively about everything that went wrong and everything that went right. we've decided to see where things go. the tables have turned- he has his guard up now. and because i understand that i'm trying to be patient but i worry that we've haven't had a period of nc.