rich 1517 - decision is in

[rich_1517]

The answer is date me.

 

i wish i could be more enthusasitic. i suppose i got what i wanted that she wants something but these are the words:

 

"i know i love you but i also want passion in my life. i see you more as a friend but im willing to go on a couple of dates to see if there is more"

 

im very sad right now. i know this is better then nothing but ouch.

 

see she is cut off emotionally some times and she doesnt accept that intimacy and passion she has more control of then she knows.

 

she even said that the deck is stacked against me because she sees me more as friend right now.

 

she said she has seen so much change in me that she wants to see if that is enough.

 

i can see in her eyes that she loves me.

 

but i wanted more, the effort that will now be required of me is like what i just went through, i have to choose between walking away or shwoing up and "seeing" if she will love me again.

 

I do love her a lot. i tested the waters and said "do you care if we date others while we do this?" - she said you can, i dont want to.

 

i did have one moment where i said "i deserve the love i want in my life, to have someone love me, i know i made mistakes with you but if this is to be only friends i have to let go of my love for you to be able to show up as only a friend." she started to cry.

 

i do not know what to do. i feel damned right now and sad, where many might be happy. but i feel i am being offered the opportunity to fail and to buy her time to keep a friend and accept the loss of my love.

 

but she knows she was at fault too, in not fighting for the relationship and allowing things to get bad.

 

I guess i have to go back to her and say "ok dating but i have to know you are willing to be open to romance if it happens, that you arent sabotaging it to keep a friend. if that is the case ok, lets try"

 

thoughts welcome

[S4il]

Oh Rich....

 

Where to start

 

I have taken notice to what you have Been Posting in her in the past few weeks, but iv 'e ignored the post, because i didn't know what to say, I'm BY NO MEANS AN EXPERT...that label doesn't mean nothing to me so completely ignore it, But i'm going to try my best to UNDERSTAND what your Ex is wanting from you, and what you want from her...

 

First

 

The Friends thing is better than nothing, and you first have to accept that for what it is...the possibility for becoming more than friends is always there, if you play your "already stacked Deck of cards" right...you can prevail. the heart ache and melancholy you are experience is normal, happens to everyone. so your not alone my friend.

 

2nd

 

In fact your pretty fortunate..most splits lead to hate, Things are said behind each others back....etc to there face,...it doesn't matter, so in your case still being "FRIENDS" is always good to hear.

 

*at least you still have that*

 

Moving on

 

 

i deserve the love i want in my life, to have someone love me, i know i made mistakes with you but if this is to be only friends i have to let go of my love for you to be able to show up as only a friend

 

Those were some pretty impressive, and powerful words...which made her cry...understandable, because you were addressing it towards her, and she probably didn't want to hear that, but you did draw a line, for yourself and for her...but i did see later on you said you wanted to tell her.

 

ok dating but i have to know you are willing to be open to romance if it happens, that you aren't sabotaging it to keep a friend. if that is the case ok, lets try

 

well your sort of taking back what you said above, about the "taking away, The Love to remain friends", I guess the key word there is *IF* something happens...the romance wont get turned down.

 

Dually Noted

 

But back to the above (above) quote..you said you have to take away your LOVE, to be a friend, but if romance starts to happen, what is the romance out of....? would it be LOVE? or something else? (Sorry..But this is where i became confused)

 

I hope you don't want a "friends with benefits" fellowship/Fling sort of thing... that isn't the way to look at it...and i shouldn't but it almost seems like that..from what you said.

 

(I can't judge you, only you can judge yourself)

 

I wish you the best, i can't say what too do, nor would i try...but give what you want to say, some thought..before you say it, you don't want to split your ends with her, She is to important to you.

[GeeCee]

Rich

 

Hope you don't mind me giving my opinion here - have followed your threads over the last few weeks - and not posted before because found it hard to know what to say .. here goes.

 

Obviously you have really been through the mill, emotionally, and in the last few days, I notice that you have been questioning whether you even want a relationship with this woman because of what she has put you through. But you have stuck at it - a great job. Now, think back to 3, 4, 5 weeks ago - this was more than you could have hoped for.

 

You are hurt - she has been hurt. I think she is taking a wise course of action and something that we all subconsciously might do when we return to an ex. There were issues enough to split you in the first place. She is taking a cautious approach. You are right - the deck is stacked against you ini terms of history. But what better staring point for a solid relationship than a good friendship. I don't think she is suggesting 'friends with priveleges'. It seems to me that she is suggesting developing teh friendship, trust and emotioinal fulfillment. Intimacy could very well become a by-product of that.

 

Honey, you are emotionally shattered. I kind of think that even if she had said 'yes, let's get married next week', you sould have some feeling of flatness, because no doubt you resent what she has put you through.

 

You both need to take this really slow. You both clearly have a lot of love for each other. But fixing a relationship is fraught with difficulties. She is right to want to take it slow.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, Rich.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Remember - this is the beginning of what you want - use it wisely.

[rich_1517]

on her comment about passion?

 

we are talking about sex. her perception of why she has shut down in the past is that maybe the guys were wrong.

 

maybe thats right, which would then include me. but... its been every relationship (all) where she becomes disinterested in sex. but she is choosing to say "wrong guy". she starts of gangbusters, then disintereted.

 

i cant say for certain that its deep seated emotional disconnect. but it sure seems like it. i dont know if at this point i can say that anymore, her choice is to see it the way she sees it.

 

whats really funny is love exists between us strongly. i dont know who she is talking to for advice.

[Beec]

Rich,

 

You have a chance and an opening that many people posting here and desiring their exes would gladly take. You've got a chance and contact and she wants to date you. Go read posts by GeeCee, spatzcolubo, determined, etc. If I asked all of them, I am sure most would gladly take your current situation over theirs. If you play your cards right, she should have no chance to resist you. Of course to play your cards right, you need to do a lot of things right. You need to make her emotionally fulfilled, you need to remain aloof while you do that (not self-absorbed and not needy), you need to probe for and push the right emotional buttons to give her a real high, then after pushing them you need to not push them and push one to tease or challenge her, in short you should be engaging in a big seduction with your ego and needs suppressed. But you do have a fine chance. Make it happen.

[GeeCee]

Great advice, Beec.

 

Rich - do your best to make it happen. The ball really is in your court now.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

He's right...as is Geecee, you gotta grab a chance like this and make the most of it...you'll only regret it if you don't

[rich_1517]

ok fair enough, i love her enough to play the game. gee let me guess my conditions are now secondary and not an option. right?

 

so i cant say "i need a comittment beyond just a couple of dates?"

 

no wait let me asnwer that, NO. win her first then set conditions.

 

sheesh

[majord23]

Rich,

In order for this to have any chance of working, you *both* have to let go of the past. If either of you hold resentment it isn't going to work.

 

No, you shouldn't be looking at setting conditions....you shouldn't even be considering taking such action at the moment.

 

My suggestion would be to view this as a *completely* fresh start (tell her so if you feel the need) otherwise the underlying frustration will boil to the surface and it won't be pretty.

 

I know you're fed up and I know that you feel that you are being strung along. I don't blame you at all as I would feel exactly the same.

 

The simple fact is that if the 'anti-ex' feelings are going to rule your behaviour and are showing no signs of subsiding then you have to ask yourself if she is really the woman you want.

 

If you're willing to do anything to get her back, then do anything to get her back. If you're not, walk away....no-one could blame you bro.

[Beec]

You're learning Rich.

[kuhl282000]

I hate it when they do the friend thing. It is such a bunch of crap.

 

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[Beec]

Kuhl,

 

It may be crap, but it also gives an opportunity. If you know what to do when the opportunity knocks, they won't want to be jsut friends for long.

[rich_1517]

well it is a tough situation on many levels. i have to accept that there is no past immediately working in my favor. perhaps after a while yes.

 

i have to bury hurt and resentment, which wouldnt have helped anyway.

 

so my questions are these:

 

should i really treat it as brand new?

 

meaning keep space in, dont aggressively pursue?

 

smoking is a big one, but when i quit the emotional swing is tough.

 

today is my birthday, should i invite her to the party? to keep this from being "just friends" wouldnt family be out of the picture right now? or will she see this as rude?

 

also if you could direct me to other posts, i will look up the ones you listed. as to how to proceed from here. i know the romance and dating deal pretty well. im good at it. i just have to ask myself am i ready in the face of her removed feelings.

[dikaia880]

Hey Rich,

I don't have much advice...I just wanted to say that I've been following your posts and I'm glad it's turning out in your favor...From what I can tell it is in your favor, go about it as a new relationship...forget the old one that didn't work...but I think you can make the new one work!

 

Best of Luck!!!

[Beec]

 

 

Yes, you do need to bury hurt and resentment. These come from your ego and insecurities. They have no place in winning her over. Take your emotional support form the idea that you will get her.

 

I would invite her and treat her as a friend, if she comes. My invite would be that, I know you might not feel comfortable being there do to our current situation, so there is no requirement that you come. BUt I also don't want you to feel left out or that I intentionally did not want you there. Make it her decision up to her with you being fine either way.

[rich_1517]

S4il - answer to your question.

Only friends =

i would have to let go of my love as more than a friend, to let my feelings diminish so that i can give my heart to someone new. if its only friends then that must happen.

 

More then =if its friends that are now trying to date its different. it means passion and stronger feelings of closeness and desire emerge, and again the question is whether that will happen to her. the answer to that is now my job.

 

its the little flirting, the little pull back, not calling for a day or so. calling to say hi thinking about you. etc. simple simple simple.

 

i invited her to the party. she gave me a card that said she is looking forward to the dates. that they will be an adventure.