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I know it's long but was I raped?


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My story is a little long but if anyone has the patience to listen I would really appreciate it and ANY input that comes with it...

I was dating (we'll call him Fred) for 2 1/2 yrs. Before we were exclusive I made a horrible mistake and slept with a friend of mine and Fred was very offended but stayed with me and we did become "exclusive". However along with this decision came much "payment" on behalf. This (what I had done) was consistently thrown in my face and used against me as reasoning for both emotional and occasionally physical retribution on his behalf.

After about a year and 4 months things became much more sedated and we got along quite well. However there was always the "I don't treat you as poorly, but I'm still above you" attitude from him in our relationship. I finally grew very tired of this. Unfortunately, me being the kind of person who is afraid of being "that person" that caused someone else the pain of a break up I continued to stick things out. He did become much more attentive and almost loving toward the end but the damage had been done and I finally broke things off.

To our disadvantage we lived together at the time and I broke things off during an argument (although civil, still an argument). This meant I needed time to get my own place. We lived in a 3 bedroom house (and had not been physical in 2 months). I moved into the guest room and stated very clearly that EVERYTHING (emotionally, physically and otherwise) was final between the 2 of us.

We had to stay in the same house for the next 3 weeks.

(I apologize, as I know this must be boring,here is my big problem...)

During the first 2 weeks Fred would come home and things were civil. We would say our hello's and he would try to plead his case but things always came to the same conclusion.

On the third week I found a place and that Monday I had boxes in the living room before I went to work (before he was up). I suppose the reality set in and it set him off but from that point I (to this day) have no idea who he became.

Fred came home Monday night VERY intoxicated and VERY belligerent saying things that I would care not to repeat but were very presumptuous and insulting. I went to my room and laid on the bed with my head to the foot of the bed with my laptop in front of me (I'm an insomniac, and I do not use the term lightly, I have been this way all my life). I recall him coming into the room and starting an argument. One statement in particular stood out in my mind: "I slept with one of your best friends last night" ME: "I'm happy for you, but if it was a true friend of mine they wouldn't have done it, otherwise I don't need them" HIM: "OH NO...you are SO close to this person that EVEN YOU ENJOYED IT".

I thought nothing of this other than him trying to get under my skin.

On Wednesday I spoke on the phone with a good friend who lived accross the street from us and is quite conservative and was working at the Winghouse by us (we can call him Rog).

Rog became friends with Fred and I as soon as he moved in and had been to the house several times and was a very nice man.

Rog called me on the Wednesday after I started packing up and asked if I was OK with a little too much concern. He then proceeded to tell me to "please be careful" because Fred had been drinking at Rog's work and saying some "crazy things" such as "he is was still f***ing me" and "you wouldn't believe what I did last night" etc..

I of course got very concerned and tried to get Rog to tell me the rest but all he was very embarrassed by what had been said and could not repeat any more. He did however tell me to "be careful with my wine bottles, and maybe drink something that didn't stay open in the fridge".

(quick history: I do enjoy my wine and I will admit that due to high stress I did indulge in about 2 glasses a night however I am 27 and already proved to myself in younger years that I can handle a lot of alcohol, there was no need for this anymore).

My heart stopped when Rog said this because I recalled going home Monday night and pulling out a bottle of wine that had about 1/2 a glass poured from it and it had a haze a some particles to it (but when it's in your own home you don't scrutinize the same way). I figured the fridge was too cold and it started to freeze so I had a glass before he got home and then when I went to my room after he came home belligerent I started one more.

The last thing I remember was lying in that head to the foot of the bed position and working on my laptop while he came in and started a drunken argument.

I woke up the next morning tucked in nicely with my head facing the top of the bed and had only my tank top on (I remember this because my mother and I were carpooling at the time and she was banging on my front door which is what woke me up and I could not answer the door right away, I had to grab a towel from the bathroom and wrap it around my waist).

I thought nothing of this until I spoke with Rog because I couldn't remember the night before (past the before told).

When Rog told me this at work I recollected the wine bottle that was hazy and decided (and the following 2 nights during which Fred came home even more drunk and belligerent) and decided I should stay with a friend until Saturday when I moved into my new place.

I still had about 2 boxes to pack at that point but a good friend (and co-worker) came to help me after work and while we were there I went into the fridge in the kitchen and found a bottle of wine that I had left which I pulled out and found the remnants of crushed pills settled at the bottom of.

(Note: the previous weekend I found the bottle of pain killers Fred's employee had given him for his back on top of the entertainment center hidden under the edge). I went to the main bathroom and found the same bottle now sitting in the medicine cabinet.

I took the bottle and one of the pills and left with my friend back to her place. We were there for about an hour when I finally started putting all the other things Rog had said into consideration: Tuesday- still f***ing her, you wouldn't believe what I did to her last night etc."...Wed-she's probably asleep..if she is we can go f**k her she won't know". That's when 2 and 2 came together.

This ate at me for a while, the more I thought about it the more I remembered details, such as my panties and my pj bottoms were on opposite sides of the room on Tuesday morning and my laptop was on the floor (I have been more than intoxicated and my OCD makes me put that thing in the case EVERY night, it is NOT allowed to hit the floor).

The day I moved out he was at work and I left a note accompanied by the wine glass I found with the same pill residue settled at the bottom and the bottle of what was left of the pills, telling him that I was aware of what he had done and I expected more but was wrong. He called me the next day and left a voice mail saying that I owed him because I left and as far as what happened Monday (mind you I never stated a specific night in my note)

"I only got what I deserved".

Later that week I spoke with a mutual friend (first his then mine) who was on the phone with him when he went home and found the note and after the first line "I know what you did" he stopped reading so "Erin" asked him what he did and he told him the whole story (starting with "well...I did something kind of * * * * ed up...but she's a * * * * * so she deserved it".

He confessed to drugging my wine and when I passed out he smacked my face a little and said you should let me take your clothes off one more time and spent about 5 minutes trying to get a drugged and sleepy "OK" out of me but couldn't so apparently just assumed one for himself and had intercourse with me in places that even conscious and intoxicated I would never consent to, or at least that is what he proudly bragged to my voice mail, Rog and Erin.

I have been ignoring this for the last month and a half since I moved out, that is just the kind of person that I am, but over the last 2 weeks I've noticed myself pulling away from everyone and having a sense of insecurity about pretty much everything. I think maybe I finally settled in at my new place and now the hustle and bustle is over and I have no choice but to let this slip into my head.

Please tell me if I'm over reacting. I just feel like too many people say nothing about situations involving people that are close to them because they doubt the fact that some one close to them could do that.

I know I was not coherent and I know that was not my choice but I also know that it's now too late to do anything and I just need some help getting past it.

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I am glad you decided to let this out. Let me get one thing clear: you are not overreacting at all, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know you always start doubting yourself in these matters, but there is no doubt here.


Yes, this was a clear case of rape and it is absolutely insane the way he has treated you. You did not give your consent and you were even drugged so he could do what he wanted, this is illegal and beyond wrong. Clearly this guy is one messed up individual who I would be glad to see going to jail.

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Oh my god. Call a lawyer, the police, somebody, ASAP. This is insane. If he'd do it to you, he'd do it to somebody else. Put this man behind bars, so that you can rest and he never does this to anyone again.

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Did you keep the wine bottle? I think you should go to the police. You have voice mail evidence and physical evidence.


What a jerk. You should also give rape counselling services a ring to talk this through, because I can see the extent to which it's playing on your mind.

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im not going to pass judgement, because there are always two sides of a story. if you really think u were drugged, contact the police. and for the second poster...what the hell is a lawyer going to do? sue him? you contact police in situations like this

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Yes I still have one of the wine bottles but per one of the last posts what good would even the police do now?


I got a little confused reading your post, but if he did indeed drug you and have sex with you it's definitely rape. I am very sorry that you went through that and I suggest that you seek medical advice (both mental and physical) so that you can figure out the best way to go about healing.


If you would like to find out more about possible options moving forward, it would be wise to contact the police and at least ask them about it. They may say nothing can be done, but you can't know unless you ask.

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First


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