missvamp Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hi I will be married for 5 years. While my husband is a good person, we have so many different things about us that it is hard to relate. My question is if one of the partners sex drive is the complete opposite of yours, can that break a marriage? I can have sex every night. My husband could be happy with 2x a month. This difference causes me to feel unloved, unattrative, etc. I have never been rejected in this department before my husband and now it happens constantly. We have talked about it multiple times, like every month. I just don't know if I can do this forever. Thoughts? Link to comment
ttran Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I dont think you should end your marriage over this. I understand you need your loving, but you also have the love and respect of your husband. Its not easy finding your soul mate, so would you really want to risk this over sex. What if he became paralized? How could he give you sex then. Would you divorce him because you weren't getting you needs satisfied. Have you asked him if he has any problems sexually? maybe ask him to just pleasure you so that you will be satisfied! Hope this helps, but you should never end marriage over this. Link to comment
missvamp Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 theres a lot more to the story, but this is a big part of it. I think if he couldn't but would at least want to have some kind of connection, but this is not the case. I always have to initiate all "i love you's", touches, kisses, sex.... Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 From the second post, this sounds like it's possibly not about "sex," but rather about affection/loving behavior. Is he affectionate to you in other ways besides kissing, touching, loving looks? Does he do little thoughtful things for you or ever leave you loving notes? Does he ever tell you things he likes about you or that you do? (e.g., "that's really neat the way you arranged the living room, you have a good eye") Does he tell you that you look pretty when you dress up? Does he say "Thank you" when you do things for him that you know he likes? Link to comment
diabolik Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 While my husband is a good person, we have so many different things about us that it is hard to relate. Its not easy finding your soul mate, so would you really want to risk this over sex. What did the OP write that gave you the impression her husband was her soul mate? Sounds to me like the potential sexual incompatibility is just one of the problems in this marriage. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Why did you get married to him if you guys were so different? I don't understand... It's been five years and assume that before than you guys had dated for a good period of time. These issues should have been clear, before you were married. If you guys can't relate to each other why get married? I don't know if I'd end the marriage over this, but at the same time I wouldn't have gotten married to him if I knew this about him. Link to comment
steelcitymstro Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 You said you've talked to him about this several times. What is his opinion on it? Is he really okay with twice a month or does he just act like it? What are your schedules like? Are one or both of you really stressed? Are there certain conditions that make sex easier for the two of you to be interested in (like the weekend vs. during the week, or on vacation, etc). The OP's post is very open-ended. Things aren't as easy as you want sex more and he wants it less. Link to comment
diabolik Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 theres a lot more to the story, but this is a big part of it. I think if he couldn't but would at least want to have some kind of connection, but this is not the case. I always have to initiate all "i love you's", touches, kisses, sex.... Has it always been this way with your husband? Even early in the marriage or when you were dating? If not, what has changed besides time? Link to comment
missvamp Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 Is he affectionate to you in other ways besides kissing, touching, loving looks? Does he do little thoughtful things for you or ever leave you loving notes? Does he ever tell you things he likes about you or that you do? (e.g., "that's really neat the way you arranged the living room, you have a good eye") Does he tell you that you look pretty when you dress up? Does he say "Thank you" when you do things for him that you know he likes? Sadly the answer to all of that is no. He never really touches me. He used to leave notes in the begininng of our marriage but not anymore. He might have only compliments me about 2x a year. Link to comment
missvamp Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 Why did you get married to him if you guys were so different? to him if I knew this about him. We had a short courtship, but it was so much nicer. I fell in love with him because he was so calm and sweet. Now he is angry all the time. What is his opinion on it? Is he really okay with twice a month or does he just act like it? What are your schedules like? Are one or both of you really stressed? Are there certain conditions that make sex easier for the two of you to be interested in (like the weekend vs. during the week, or on vacation, etc). . He is really ok about 2x a month. He is just not a sexual guy. We are both super busy. He is always stressed. I try and not bring work home with me but he always says he is more stressed than me?? Has it always been this way with your husband? Even early in the marriage or when you were dating? If not, what has changed besides time? The only thing that has changed is that we have a child now. So I am overweigt, maybe he's not attracted to me anymore. Link to comment
diabolik Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 He is really ok about 2x a month. He is just not a sexual guy. We are both super busy. He is always stressed. I try and not bring work home with me but he always says he is more stressed than me?? Like you suggested in the thread title, could just be a case of very different sex drives. But the stress is not helping the situation. Is there a way to help him better cope with the stress? The only thing that has changed is that we have a child now. So I am overweigt, maybe he's not attracted to me anymore. Could have something to do with it, especially if you gained a lot of weight for your height. You never answered the question of whether the sex was more frequent prior to marriage or early in the marriage? If it was this infrequent, even back then, it would seem his sex drive just doesn't match yours. But I have a hard time believing you were having sex only 2x a month early on. Link to comment
missvamp Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 for the 1st 9 months of our relationship it was normal. i still had more of the drive but it was more regular. then I got pregnant.... Link to comment
diabolik Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 for the 1st 9 months of our relationship it was normal. i still had more of the drive but it was more regular. then I got pregnant.... So maybe his normal sex drive, while still lower than yours, was close enough to be compatible. From what you've told us, the two obvious possible causes I can see are the stress of having a baby to take care of, and your weight gain. Do you have any interest in getting a bit leaner? Oh, I should add a third potential cause. A friend of mine told me how he didn't have sex with his wife the same way (the sex used to be more aggressive) once she had a child. It was a mental block about being so sexually aggressive with the mother of his child. Link to comment
eoe858 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 missvamp - i think I am in the same situation you are except the roles are reversed. We too are going on 5 years of marriage, dated for 2 before that. We have a 16 month old son and sex is such a touchy subject that it doesn't really even come up. She doesn't want it and I give up trying to get it because I get tired of feeling rejected. I think you have to decide what kind of marriage you want. For me, I am not willing to let something like this ruin my marriage. We've got too much invested. She was the same way, used to leave notes when she packed me lunch, used to initiate hugs, kisses, sex, horsing around. Now everything is serious....its like she won't let herself have fun. I have struggled with this back and forth myself. Probably gone through the same thoughts you have...."she doesn't care about me, not attracted to me, etc" This is my take on it today. Love yourself first and then you won't rely/need their love and approval so much to make you happy and content. I am still trying to figure this out for me, but I know its what I need to do. Think about it....when you were dating....you were your own person. That is probably what attracted him to you in the first place. Now you are a mom, he knows you and he probably does it out of obligation. Make him want it again....but don't care that he wants it. What I am saying is....you are two individuals....not one smooshed together person because you are married. I think that the more you try and grow as a person, the more attractive you become to your spouse. Its hard to do, but re-invest some of that energy you have in worrying about whats wrong with your relationship and invest it in you. He will see what he used to see in you, when you start to see it yourself. You see, I complain about the same things and feel like she doesn't care, but really, I am just expecting her to want to jump my bones because we are married. I know she loves me, but attraction is not part of love. You do your part.....and the rest will come. Show him you love him, but don't do it with expectations....love him and touch him because you want him to feel loved, not because you need it in return. Its ok to ask for a hug every now and then too because you need one, but he can't read your mind any more then my wife can read mine. I am not sure if this is the case with you, but i think my mindset once we got married and comfortable has become that she is going to love me no matter what....so who cares if I get fat or don't try....its should just happen and be great like always. Not the case....it takes work and every successful married person will tell you so. My suggestion to you and to me.......exercise for YOURSELF, give him love for free, show interest in him because you are....not because you want something from it. Stop looking at all the things you think he should be doing for you and look at the things he is doing for you. So many times I find myself getting so caught up in the things that I want her to do for me, that I never see the things that she really does do for me. Its pretty amazing. Anyway...hopefully this helps. I could keep rambling, but I will spare any future people posting the book. Good luck. Song by Michael W. Smith....."Love isn't love, till you give it away" Take an interest in him that you normally wouldn't. Does he play video games that you think are stupid? Play video games with him....if thats what he does. Ok...I'm out. Good luck and God Bless! Link to comment
pc95 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 eoe, so you would be fine in a completely sexless marriage due to a non-existent libido of your partner? Link to comment
Circe Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 eoe, so you would be fine in a completely sexless marriage due to a non-existent libido of your partner? She did say they had sex once a fortnight.. Link to comment
rocio Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 When you discuss this with him, what does he say? Has he given any reasons? Is it mainly because of stress? If so, can the two of you make some changes to reduce the stress? Link to comment
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