THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[northpickle]

Day 27

 

Today I finally start my new job after a long time waiting for clearance and a lot of red tape - but the day has come. When I passed the interview in the summer we were still together and you sent me a "Congratulations" card with some very kind and sweets words in it. Unfortunately it's one of the few things you sent me that I haven't come accross since we split up. I hope it remains lost for some time so when I do stumble accross it it won't hurt.

 

I've had a few texts and messages from friends wishing me luck, and it's a bit sad that you're not wishing me luck too. But you don't even know that I start today! We know nothing about each other any more.

 

This is exactly what I need, a new start, new people and new things to occupy my overly analytical brain! New memories completely without you. I'm excited but nervous - it's a very demanding but rewarding position, helping some of the most vulnerable in our society. I wish I was feeling stronger, I still don't feel myself after this awful ordeal the last three months has been. But I think doing this will be an amazing opportunity and the best thing I can do to get over you.

 

I still think about you all the time, this weekend (another blasted weekend) will be exactly a year since we had one of our amazing trips together. It's weird that it's been a year, for some reason I can still remember almost every hour of those two days as I had never felt so happy. Who knows what you make of our relationship in your head and heart now. But I'm making new memories now.

[Swift]

Day 6

 

Feel neither up nor down, just a renewed keenness to move on.

[Mariana123]

Day 9.

 

For some reason I was convinced that today he'd be calling asking to meet me today or this weekend, but now I know that it won't happen. Just another reason to keep NC I guess. But it really hurts. It's been exactly two weeks since we broke up and I am more than sure I want to try again and really change. But I guess he still needs more time to make up his mind. On the other hand, he's not sure he doesn't want to try again, or he'd call and tell me that.

This situation is so stressing and I'm really hurt.

[bourneid]

Month 6 hahahahah ............... it gets easier everyone, yet to fully move on (8 months since BU) not met anyone who has taken my fancy, only been on one date, it has been hell but i feel more content nowadays and i am looking forward to the future and what ever it may hold. My ex's son who is ten added me on facebook a month ago and we had a brief chat then after two weeks his account had been de-activated for some reason?? Sort of through me off a bit but im ok now

[minimini]

Oooooo... hope it's okay to still join this challenge! I'm in!! Considering I broke down and sent the OP a nice Happy Thanksgiving message just yesterday (with no reply, of course), it's the perfect time to start. Day 1 tomorrow! Thanks!

[lonelyheart2]

Day 7 Finally starting to be healthier and losing some weight in a healthy way Now to actually start my work rather than thinking about how good it would be if I started it.....I wonder if my recovery would speed up miles if every day I actually did just work on my essays and reading for my course every day......Giving it ago tomorrow and if I don't I should be severely punished at the end of the day! Have yet to think of a punishment.....

[dobbin]

Day 2 of NC. Felt great. Got more paperwork done to clean up the mess I put myself into. One thing to check off my to-do list in my effort to break free of him.

The day I move out (next Sat) is the day I will write him off my life, as if i disappeared off the face of the planet can't wait!!!!

 

never make anyone a priority in your life when you are only an option in their life.

[minimini]

Day ONE! I hope someone is actually reading this... so I have the incentive to keep going. ;-)

 

Background: The person I am doing this NC with is the person I had an emotional affair with over this year. I actually broke off contact with him back in September, and am no longer Facebook friends with him, but still I checked his myspace daily to see his updates. At the end of Septemeber, he wrote to ME, saying he misses me, etc., and I was stupid enough to reply and get sucked back into the drama.

 

Today: I sent him a message on Thanksgiving... simple one. No reply. Today is the best day to start this. 9 am and I have not yet looked at his or his friends' Facebook pages. I also have not checked his myspace or any other site he is on. I have a bit of an obsession, and I've realized that "stalking" his social sites has become a habit, like smoking. Gotta get out of it. This is gonna be hard....

[northpickle]

Day ONE! I hope someone is actually reading this... so I have the incentive to keep going. ;-)

 

Lots of us are reading! I wish you luck

 

Day 28

 

One whole month since we met up and he ran away. I'm generally feeling better and better but Saturdays still feel very empty, though they are getting easier too. I'm not really down, depressed or particularly sad any more. Saturdays were always our day together though, and I think I'm still mourning the loss of the fun adventures we had as much as I'm mourning the actual loss of him. Whatever I try to do on a weekend just feels like I'm trying to fill a void still, rather than truly enjoy myself.

 

I never set out to make him the sole centre of my happiness, and in a way he wasn't. But he was a huge part of it and losing him has just crushed most other things that make me happy into non-existence, although I'm slowly clawing it back. But is it so wrong, isn't that why we all crave love? To be with someone who does truly make you happy in a way that you didn't think possible? But if he didn't think the same about me then there's nothing I can do about that.

 

I'm just gutted that it ended I suppose, and gutted that he's gone. When you think you've met that special person, and all you wanted to do was to be a part of their life that they were grateful for, and then you're told that they are not happy with you...it really stings. It's a blow to the ego as much as the heart. And with him wanting to be friends still...I think that was more for his benefit rather than my own. And I feel stupid getting sucked into that false hope after break-up although that was as much down to his words and actions as it was to my brain.

 

As far as NC goes, no, I'm not going to contact him. I'm not sure where his head is at obviously, it's very sad but I suppose it's best if we leave each other alone. How awful it is to cut someone out of your life that you love

[minimini]

 

never make anyone a priority in your life when you are only an option in their life.

 

I LOVE that! Wish someone had said that to me sooner! I'm on Day 1, so just a day behind.... Good luck!

[minimini]

northpickle... Thanks for acknowledging my post like that! Glad to know someone is reading!

[Melting]

Back to start this challenege again.

 

BU 1st Sept.... Working together 27th Oct

 

Day 1

 

I have tried NC a few times and the longest I have lasted is 7 days. Now my ex is working with me and it has made NC alot harder. Before I was never strong enough for NC I always lived in hope we would get back together.

 

The last 6wks he has said everything that I wanted to hear.... he wants me in his life, he wants to spend time with me, he wants a strong relationship with me. I believed your every word. Only to find that he had posted on his FB how in love he is with his ex and how he wants her back.

 

I will no longer be his fallback girl, he only fills me with hurt.

 

I will play 2nd best to no one.

 

I honestly wish I could be in full NC with him. I just pray and hope he stays away from me and I am strong enough to keep telling him to get lost!

[dobbin]

Day 3 - it's really neat writing a summary of each day on this blog! I feel liberated!

 

Ran some errands this morning and next thing i knew his car was passed by on the right lane. he got the same car as mine. freaked me out for a bit why someone would get the same car as their ex --- i would never do this because it only serves as bad memories --- not sure if he saw me as i changed my plates. neither of us showed any sign.

 

he's on my mind. i am not bitter. it's time to move on. i feel very much at peace and happy to be out of a dead-end situation i put myself into. for the first time it's all about me now. feels great to finally put myself first.

[lonelyheart2]

day 8 - need to find a way to kill the hope! I'm guessing when it's got to around the 2 month mark this might be easier to get rid of. I'm weirdly excited if I can make it to that mark! Maybe I should make a little celebration for myself when I get to around 3 months! I can do this!....My sister is getting to know this guy and it's so weird because he is so unbelievably similiar in looks to my first ex and character to my last ex! Not really what I need right now....I hope he can make her happy though

[Scuza]

Back to start this challenege again.

 

The last 6wks he has said everything that I wanted to hear.... he wants me in his life, he wants to spend time with me, he wants a strong relationship with me. I believed your every word. Only to find that he had posted on his FB how in love he is with his ex and how he wants her back.

 

 

Was he specific in his Facebook post? Perhaps he was referring to you, if he wasn't specific? You are an ex of his.

Perhaps you should confront him about what he's said to you, and ask if he was being genuine when he said that. Regardless of whether the post was about you or not.

If he isn't being honest with you, and you know it, you should tell him to stop saying those things to you, as they are only hurting you.

[jeepman41]

That sexy northpickle is right, there ARE a lot of us reading this and the posts of others here. This is the thread that helped me the most when I first came to ENA.

[minimini]

Day 2 - This is a * * * * ty day! Not getting along with my husband AT ALL over the past few days. Like I said before, the person I'm trying to kick out of my memory is the person I had the emotional affair with. Things not going well with my husband certainly doesn't help this NC. Every fight with the hubby makes me want to start stalking the OP again, looking at pictures and writing to him. It's horrible..... I know. I started typing his name into the Facebook search box, just out of habit.... but I stopped.

 

Hope today is better than the last 2 days have been. Having hard time sleeping so I'm on major sleep deprivation. I don't do well when I'm tired. Just when I think that I'm over him.... my poor relationship with my husband rears it's ugly head and I'm right back to wanting the OP again......

 

He was a bad, bad, habit. Must. Break. It.

[northpickle]

That sexy northpickle is right

 

That's made my day, haha! Thanks!

 

Day 29

 

I went out with a friend last night to the pub, at first I wondered if I had made a mistake. Whilst I was getting ready I started crying, I was crying in the bath because...well, I'm not sure why. I think it was a combination of things, it was cold and dark outside and knowing I should really be dragging myself out there rather than staying cocooned in my house, but it seemed like such hard work. Also, it still seems bizarre getting myself ready to go out and socialise without the ex - I used to get so excited when I was going out to see him, and it just doesn't seem the same yet. If my mate didn't have to make special arrangements to come over from a different town just to see me then I think I would have cancelled, but I didn't want to let him down.

 

Anyway, I pulled through it and met up with my friend. I started off a bit nervy and downbeat, but I slowly relaxed and ended up having a lovely time. Nothing too crazy, although we were out for about 5 hours, we drank slowly and kept a chilled out tempo, just chatting away in a more relaxed part of the pub, even though it was a Saturday night. My friend has helped me so much throughout all this, I am truly grateful to him. He knows the ex too, although mainly through me, though we have mutual friends. We didn't talk about him though.

 

I saw a couple of other people I know, in fact I bumped into a guy who I met about a month ago for the first time, who seems to hold a little candle for me. I had a ten minute conversation with him, he kept saying "I think you're brilliant!" because he seems to like that I speak my mind and have very strong values about current affairs, politics and so on, even though our views don't exactly match! I can't say I'm attracted to him, or doubt I ever would be even if I wasn't nursing a broken heart, but a confidence boost is always a good thing.

 

And it got me thinking...when I knew my ex before we started dating, when we were just friends, it was exactly these qualities that he admired in me and that he found attractive. That I am passionate about my views and stand up for what I believe in. I know I am attractive and I have an attractive personality and whatever. And the ex made me doubt myself. Not that he ever said anything derogatory to me. But because he didn't make me feel loved and valued for who I am.

 

I am cute, I'm smart, I'm passionate, I'm sensitive, I'm very loving and thoughtful. I am truly a good person. I have a lot of people in my life who can see that. I'm not perfect but hell, I'm a pretty good all-rounder! I'm not one to big myself up but the relationship made me lose my self-love because I was so blindly in love with him I lost myself. And tried to be the person I thought he wanted me to be rather than the person I am.

 

Anyway, I had a lovely chilled out night, didn't get sad, I came home and curled up on the sofa and had a pretty good night's sleep. I'm not sure if or when I'll hear from the ex again, but right now that doesn't matter. He's completely invisible to me now. I have a busy week coming up and really looking forward to continuing my new life without him. Do I want him back? No. Not now. Of course I love him and miss him but I never want to be hurt like this again, and he took absolutely no responsibility for any mistakes in the relationship - that was selfish. I need someone who is more considerate and unless he were to ever realise that, then I wouldn't be with him again, despite my strength of feelings for him.

 

I needed a self-reflective rant - thanks! Need a coffee now!

[jeepman41]

I am cute, I'm smart, I'm passionate, I'm sensitive, I'm very loving and thoughtful. I am truly a good person. I have a lot of people in my life who can see that. I'm not perfect but hell, I'm a pretty good all-rounder!

 

 

I realize all of this from way over here accross the pond. It just seems to radiate from you. That's why I think you can remain strong in your choice to implement NC. (Sigh...Those UK women!!)

[northpickle]

I realize all of this from way over here accross the pond. It just seems to radiate from you. That's why I think you can remain strong in your choice to implement NC. (Sigh...Those UK women!!)

 

Aww, thanks jeepman Yep, no desire to break NC at all!

[HoliPoli]

Day: I'm not really sure

 

It's been exactly 4 weeks today since the BU. I haven't contacted him in awhile and the physical aching in my chest only gets worse. I feel as if I'm going crazy because I know it should be getting better, shouldn't it?. I've been making changes to myself physically and striving for emotional peace of mind. He was mean, he lied and he would say rotten, unforgivable things about me and my little boy. I've tried using that as fuel to get past this, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. He will talk to me and be friendly if I make contact, which screws with my head all that much more so that's why I finally decided NC. Him being able to talk to me like I'm nothing makes me feel as if I, along with everything we shared the last 3 years meant nothing to him and that I'm just like an old friend.

 

When we first met I felt it was love at first sight and I held on for a year and a half before we got together. I'm scared that no amount of NC will help with this one.

[HoliPoli]

Years ago I had an emotional affair with a married man. I am not proud of it. He made me believe that he was to be getting a divorce along with a crap load of other lies. I was addicted to him and looking back I can now honestly say "what was I thinking?"

 

Because of my experience I've learned many things. One is to never get involved with anyone married- EVER. And the second is that if a married person does get involved in an emotional affair there are serious issues going on inside their marriage that need to be worked out.

 

This person makes you feel special, loved, wanted, needed, happy etc. They give you all the things you're not currently getting and you end up justifying your relationship with them. I can understand that NC isn't easy especially since things at home are currently rocky. I hope today is better for you as well.

 

Does your husband know about this man and if so is this why you have been fighting lately? You have to figure out the reason of why you two aren't getting along. Do you even want to be married?

[minimini]

Firstly, thank you for your post and for your kind words! An emotional affair, I've realized, is the absolute worst kind of thing you can get yourself involved in because so much of what is happening is in your head. It's near impossible to get those things out of your head!! My husband does know that there was some sort of cyber relationship going on and he knows it's long been over. It's not what we argue about.... we were in the dumps even before the emotional affair. Anyway...............

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I know what that physical aching feels like.... like your soul literally ripping out of you.. like your heart actually breaking into a million pieces. They say things have to get worse before they get better.... well, maybe this is it. I know it's absolutely awful and it feels like no amount of NC will help... but it will. I PROMISE! Please hang in there and stick to the NC. Wouldn't it be so nice if their mean behavior and lies would fuel the ease of NC??? Too bad it doesn't....

 

Hang in there!! We're here for you!

[AnnaN]

Day 13

 

I had a really bad day, I shouldn't, I went for launch with my family, spend the day with them but the day was one of the most difficult ones.

The next days will be more difficult and I am not sure if I will be able not to break NC. I am leaving tonight for a couple of days for work, he was always driving me there, wish me a nice trip, I was calling him when I arrived and talking on the phone at night when I was alone at the hotel. So, what will I do there, not talking to him as usual? I am so scared!

 

I start having doubts about NC, yes I know it is supposed to let me heal, but nothing has happened so far, I feel worse every day, every minute.

Why would contact take away my dignity and pride? Because I want to express my feelings and fight for something I want? How could this make me feel worse? I am feeling worse every moment, NC hasn't helped me...

[jeepman41]

People do not realize how easy it is to fall into an emotional affair with a member of the opposite sex and how innocently it starts. They think it will never happen to them until they find themselves involved in an affair. But it is a clandestine relationship and as such it is cloaked in secrecy. It is physically and emotionally draining once you begin the process of trying to get out of it.

 

You develop real feelings for this person because you feel they understand you better than your spouse. You spend a certain amount time trying to attain something that is missing from your marriage. Sometimes the lines between fantasy and reality become blurred until you realize that it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

HoliPoli and minimini I applaud you for sharing this information within this forum. Maybe you can help someone else who is involved in a similar situation.