THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[meowmix88]

Once I fantasize it I think about what I need to be to make that happen.

 

I NEED TO BE WORTH IT. In order to be worth it I must act like I'm worth it and I must believe I'm worth it. I must be worth it!

 

Find the strength to tell yourself that you're worth it. Don't ever accept less than you deserve. He was less than I deserved and there's no way I would ever take him back regardless of how much I ever loved him.

 

That is the part I am struggling with. How do you feel and believe you are worth it when so many have told you that you are not? My recent ex has never said this to me, but the two before him have.

[playstheblues]

 

Find the strength to tell yourself that you're worth it. Don't ever accept less than you deserve. He was less than I deserved and there's no way I would ever take him back regardless of how much I ever loved him.

 

Thanks for your wishes Holi. It is easy to be sucked in, especially when I feel really up in the air because basically every stable thing in my life, our property, my ex, my job, the city we lived in has had to change without me really wanting it to so I am a bit nutty at the moment.

 

You sound like you are being strong. You are worthy of being loved and if your ex didn't give that to you, then you are on the right track. If you treated him with respect and love and he didn't reciprocate, then the relationship doesn't sound like it was healthy for you. It is really good that you have recognised that and are continuing on with NC. Good work. It takes courage to do that.

 

Unfortunately for me, it would be easier if I could say my ex was an assho** because it would be a lot easier to get over him. We actually had a really good relationship and were best friends and it still didn't work out- gee!

[playstheblues]

That is the part I am struggling with. How do you feel and believe you are worth it when so many have told you that you are not? My recent ex has never said this to me, but the two before him have.

 

What would you say to this if one of your closest friends asked you the same question? Would you tell her that she isn't worth it because an old boyfriend told her so? Or would you reinforce that no decent human being deserves to be treated like that and no human being should have their self worth dictated by someone else- least of all an emotionally abusive ex. You have to find the value within your self so start with the small positives.

 

Sometimes it is really hard to deal with self doubt- but think - if one of our friends said the same mean things that we say to ourselves- they wouldn't be our friends any longer. If we wouldn't put up with the taunts from someone else, why do we put up with it from ourselves?

[meowmix88]

Yeah, I totally get that! But sometimes it's really hard to tell yourself it's not true. And even if you think you're worth it, if they don't think so, what does it matter? "They didn't think I was worth it... does he feel the same way? When will someone think I am?" It just all piles up.

[HoliPoli]

I think he never treated me like I was worth it because I never demanded that he did. Why didn't I? Because I knew he wouldn't stick around long if I had. I settled for someone and the whole time I knew it but let him treat me like crap anyway! I feel like a fool. I want to feel worth it again so I'm eating better, working out more even if it's just a walk around my neighborhood and being more selective with who I socialize with.

 

And right now as I type these "strong" words my mind is on him. Is he thinking of me, will he call me tonight, tomorrow or next week, will I hear from him again? I'm not immune. I'm a girl who wants the same things you all do - a fair/fighting chance with the guy I felt was "the one". I guess he wasn't and boy does it hurt like Hell.

 

The hardest for me right now is not calling him and being a b**ch. I'm very angry and have to literally hold myself back from unleashing. I keep reminding myself that it won't do any good. He's not worth it.

[playstheblues]

I think he never treated me like I was worth it because I never demanded that he did. Why didn't I? Because I knew he wouldn't stick around long if I had.

 

And right now as I type these "strong" words my mind is on him. Is he thinking of me, will he call me tonight, tomorrow or next week, will I hear from him again? I'm not immune. I'm a girl who wants the same things you all do - a fair/fighting chance with the guy I felt was "the one". I guess he wasn't and boy does it hurt like Hell.

 

 

So even if he you did demand that he treated you properly - he wouldn't have stuck around?? I think you have your answer right there. He wasn't the one for you Holi. You deserve so much better than that. I think you know that too. That doesn't mean it won't be excruciatingly hard to get over but I think that it should help cut out the wondering and what if's for you because you already know the answer- even if it wasn't the answer you wanted.

 

Anger is good if it doesn't get out of control. It's one of the stages of grieving.

 

I have no anger at the moment or haven't had any and it's been three months. I only have sadness- anger would actually be good.

 

I also feel the same things you do. I'm not sure he's even thought about me in the past days when we haven't spoken- does absence make the heart grow fonder or go wander? It's a hard thing to understand that the weekend may be the last time we ever talk- after all these years. Part of me doesn't even believe this but I have to try for my own sake.

 

It is great that his meds are working - and the thing I want most in the world is for him to get better- even above getting back together. I am scared though that because the meds have helped him to feel better- he will think he feels better because he has made the right decision. oh gosh.

[HoliPoli]

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” -Dr. Seuss

 

Good night to all who find themselves here tonight. May you find the strength to get past this difficult day. If you start to get discouraged and think that nobody cares, remember that we all care. We may not know you, but we understand your turmoil and for your turmoil we are sorry.

[sb422]

End of Day 2

 

I've made changes to this challenge to make it my own. I've added that within the 30 days I will stick 100% to my diet (unless I reach my goal weight before then as I lose really fast while on this diet) and go to the gym every day within the 30 days or at least do some kind of out of my way exercise.

 

As far as not talking, we've barely been talking for a while now and I know that she has a new boyfriend so it actually hasn't been that hard. I miss her a lot but I think I've actually gotten over losing her romantically, but no matter what happens I don't think I'll ever get over losing my best friend.

[HoliPoli]

Hard morning with my emotions all over the place. Painting the foyer, but it's not keeping my mind off of things. I just want this to end. Still NC though. will be 4 days @ 12pm - I wish it were 40.

[The walkingman]

My ex of a little over a month had a quote on her facebook today saying "to fear love is to fear life..." which I feel is very likely about me and now I can't help wanting to break no contact.

I guess I just have to hold strong and believe that she will be the one to contact me she is having thoughts about wanting me back now?

[HoliPoli]

It may mean shes starting to miss you so don't contact. When that ache gets unbearable for her she will get in touch. Don't mess with her thought process. Pretend you didn't see the FB message at all.

 

And I'm assuming she broke the relationship off.

[The walkingman]

Yeah she broke it up, was very hard for her. Her reasons were loss of feelings (probably due to me appearing super needy/insecure last few weeks we were together) and that she couldn't handle a relationship right now due to depression which makes me doubt it would be about another guy but you never know. Thanks for the response, makes no contact seem like definitely the way to go.

[northpickle]

Day 17

Almost back at my previous best of 19 days NC (which I did straight after break up), it's much easier this time round. The days are easier to bear, the early weeks were not a good time at all! I became sad again today however, I went Christmas shopping with my mother and I started out OK, and then gradually everything started to upset me in small ways that built up. The memories of taking you shopping last year (you hated it!), the conversations came flooding back, choosing your presents, taking my daughter to see a parade, helping me with my Christmas tree...memories that haven't come back to me since the break-up in September. God knows I've already had enough of them haunting me, I didn't want more!

 

***

 

I do genuinely miss him still I'm definitely moving on but the fact that he dangled friendship in front of me like a rotten carrot now makes it harder in some ways. I have read so many stories on here about exes who disappear or make it clear that they want no contact or mistreated them...but I WON'T take just a friendship.

[lonelyheart2]

Day 23 - I do miss him still, but I think I'm doing ok I'm definitely A LOT better than I was in the first few months. I'm really starting to learn about how you can't depend on other people for your happiness it's got to come from you. I know I'm a long way off from having reached this place that I need to be at but I can feel myself on he journey to be there and it's kind of exciting. Taking each day as it comes I know i shouldn't though but I still wish that when I've got to this place I could meet my ex and just show him how much I have improved as a person. Ah well what is meant to be will be

[broken123]

Day 49...I have not been on here awhile. However I have pulled off my longest streak yet of nc. Still not a word from her though which is surprising. I need to just keep on going since it feels as though I may have some sort of control now

[AnnaN]

End of Day 1

 

For the first time I don't want to contact you...

[Notagoodninja]

Day 27 break up, Day 26 No Contact

 

Seems like an eternity has gone by!

Week 1 didn't get out of bed, cried like my life was over. Felt betrayed, hurt and abandoned and neglected.

Week 2 constant nightmares and jealousy problems, freaking out wondering what he was doing.

Week 3 Acceptance...came to terms with the situation

Week 3/4 Anger! Is this part of the grieving process lol.

I want him to burn in hell. I pray every day God will punish him. I want him to wreck his car, I want him to lose his job. If I believed in voodoo I'd definitely be stabbing at a replica doll of him bahaha

 

I'm also going through this weird vengeful stage...like it's odd but i WANT him to date other girls, NOBODY will be as good as I was to him, I know that

I WANT him to try to have sex with other girls so he can realize how LOUSY he was in bed when they leave him

I want him to have sex with girls so he can see how awesome I was in bed

I do believe I am the BEST in bed anyone could ever have, and now he can spend the rest of his miserable little life wishing he had of treated me better

I want him to sleep with the young girls he always dreamed of so he can see my body looks better than 75% of their's and I am 100%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% better in bed FOR SURE HANDS DOWN and that I do have confidence about!

I'm actually very happy he's freaking miserable, I am glad he will go to clubs and be miserable and get drunk

Strip clubs? Good! I have stripper friends, I know they want the $ they could give a crap about him, I know how the game is played! I hope they break his heart. He's too smart to think they want him for anything other than his money. Every stripper and escort gets paid to tell men lies they want to hear, that way the men keep coming back and the girls can pay their bills

Jealous? The jealousy is gone now. I have this warped, sadistic mindset. I don't care who he's with, he cannot compete with the hunky men I've been with in my lifetime. I've been given strippers numbers, I've had girls throw themselves at at (still) AND GUYS. I can have the best. There's no way he will have what I've had. There's no way he can ever be as good as me or get what I've gotten and experienced. I can sift through gorgeous people and take my pick. And I am picky! He will just take what he can get.

 

Every time I go get myself dinner I am happy I don't have to go make him dinner. Every time I go do something for myself I am relieved he isn't there to drain me.

When I pass the doughnut shop I go buy myself some doughnuts, or Starbuck's for coffee and I enjoy every bite/sip and am thankful I am not having to baby that man anymore and treat him like a kid.

I almost feel like I had an annoying teenager living with me that was mooching off me. Do I miss him yeah, but I'm glad as H E double hockey sticks that he can go "live" and "mooch" off some other person now. GOOD! Let HER have him! Let HER get put down. Let HER get controlled and bossed around. Let HER lose her place and everything she owns for some douche bag.

 

I can't wait for him to find out he will lose interest in sleeping around, because nothing will compare to his porn addiction. That is what surprises men. When you are a porn addict you can be with porn stars and not get your penis up Because you need porn! So no matter what hot young chic he can get, he will only be able to do it a couple times then he's gonna go soft and not be able to get it up anymore.

 

Most of all looking forward to the night I run into him at a club and he's with some sugar baby he has to pay, when I'm with guys that WANT to be with me, I don't have to pay them.

[HoliPoli]

He contacted me. I deleted the text and refuse to analyze it. Doing so would just drive me crazy anyway.

[HoliPoli]

Yes Ninja, anger IS part of the grieving process through I'm not sure what stage. That's where I think I'm at right now. So much of what you wrote I can identify with.- especially week two's nightmares. Thank God they're over.

 

You have every right to be angry so get mad but do it constructively. I was getting so vengeful that I decided to research extreme anger after breakups and some of the material I found helped me direct it better.

 

And true they will never, ever find anyone like us.

 

I wish you the best.

[playstheblues]

Good work on the text message Holi!

 

Notagoodninja - Holi is totally tight about the anger. I wish I had some anger but directed and controlled anger is best.

 

Day 3 of NIC - so consumed with damaging thoughts. Hate NIC but think it's probably for the best. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that last weekend is probably the last time I'm going to talk to him, and I may not ever see him again. After almost ten years, the thought makes me feel sick.

[HoliPoli]

I have known my ex for 3 years and we were friends from day 1. The worst thing he ever told me was that he didn't need me because he could go find another fat, lonely and desperate woman any day of the week. Pretty bad, huh? Well that was about a month ago. I am neither fat or ugly and I am not desperate and he had no right to use words so harsh to someone he loved. I remember those words every time I start to miss him and it keeps me from calling him. He doesn't deserve me or the love I showed him. I would be doing myself a great injustice if I ever considered taking him back. I can't think of an apology great enough for something so cruel.

 

Doesn't make grieving the loss of him any less painful though. I'm just smarter about it.

 

I really wish this was easier for you blues.

[playstheblues]

The worst thing he ever told me was that he didn't need me because he could go find another fat, lonely and desperate woman any day of the week. Pretty bad, huh? Well that was about a month ago.

.

 

Wow that is really shocking. I can't believe anyone would say that- so mean~! Does he have issues that he is projecting onto you? From that sort of thing, it seems you couldn't save him from himself, even if you tried. You deserve better!

 

Just got an email asking How I am... I'm not going to respond to that- it's breadcrumbs even with his depression. I want to be supportive of him but there is no point in me responding to that. It's only going to make him feel better and me feel worse.

 

Ew. I hate this.

[northpickle]

Day 18

The fog is definitely clearing now, but I'm confused. I don't think I'll ever feel any differently about him. I'm thinking of him less and less, and I'm definitely less sad now (as a whole, I'm still finding there are triggers) but I still feel exactly the same about him! Time is healing the wounds. But will I ever not love him or not want to be with him? I'm not sure.

[HoliPoli]

 

Just got an email asking How I am... I'm not going to respond to that- it's breadcrumbs even with his depression. I want to be supportive of him but there is no point in me responding to that. It's only going to make him feel better and me feel worse.

 

 

You are correct. Don't answer until you can feel indifferent.

[HoliPoli]

But will I ever not love him or not want to be with him? I'm not sure.

 

I think about my past exes (before this latest traumatic relationship) and how I thought I would never get over them or ever stop loving them etc. Now I look back and think, "What was I thinking?"

 

They are just mere memories now. Sometimes i'm sad for what I thought could have been, but never actually was.

 

Every single one of us will make it through this.