THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[fruitapus09]

Still Day 5 - dwelling a lot today. Worry a little that this journal will make me dwell instead of move on, but it is early yet. Friends say to forget about him, but I tend to only tell my friends when something is going wrong, not when things are great, so they can't understand how I feel. and my friends are all sick of hearing about this.

 

I left him two unanswered texts last week, so the ball is definitely in his court. However with this guy, I had to make the first bold move to talk to him the night we met (after the mutual friend confirmed that we were both interested). Then after not hearing from him for a month, I had to initiate contact (which he thanked me for later - he had messed up my phone number and felt awkward asking friends for it). After he contacted me I suggested an activity which got canceled due to rain, and then he asked me to hang out twice after that with no other contact from me. Society makes me feel like a desperate stalker for contacting him first, but I don't know if that's really true or not. I waited a month, is that desperate? My behavior during that time was kind of obsessive so that made me feel desperate for doing it, but he thanked me for contacting him so I felt OK after that.

 

So I think there are a few scenarios that could be happening.

1. He truly hates me and never wants to talk to me again.

2. He was initially mad but will get over it in time and it won't matter, and either will call eventually or wouldn't be upset if I called him.

3. He feels like he messed up his chances with me by acting so strange. Won't call and risk further rejection.

4. He realizes he is not ready for this and may or may not ever contact me again.

 

Part of me wants to contact him right away, better to find out right away how he feels instead of wasting more time. But I truly believe that more time will not hurt. I am not really looking to date anyone right now anyway as I don't think I'm really ready. I doubt he is at this point either.

 

I know the point of NC is to help you get over the person, so thinking about when and how I might contact him at the end of the 30 days is probably really bad.

[SnowFox]

Fruitapus- it does sound like you were the pursuer/chaser in the relationship.

 

Speaking as a female, I find that my relationships are best when the man pursues me rather than the other way around.

 

But that's just me!

 

I would just stick to NC - and focus on yourself at this point....you can't go back in time and change anything but you can act in ways that show self-respect now.

[SnowFox]

Today I was sad and missing my boyfriend "Jake". I was just thinking about some of the past few times we had seen eachc other and it made me realize that I know he loves me very deeply.

 

I don't know if we will get back together, but I do know that he deeply loves me and will miss me.

[Viper55666]

Day 11 N/C. 6 Months 4 Days Since Split.

 

Still hurting, still want her back and it still makes me cry thinking about our wedding day. I would contact her if I thought it would make the slightest bit of difference but I know it won't so whats the point! Maintain N/C...

 

Got a date with someone on Saturday, first date (apart from ex) in over 5 years! I should be looking forward to it but, truth be told... I'm not. Its not my wife and I'm not even sure I want to do it at all, suppose I won't know that til I get there.

 

I thought after 6 months I would be on top of this whole situation but I'm really not... Bad day today!

[fruitapus09]

Read "Don't Call that Man!" for the first time in years, it's helped me before. Definitely a good book for any woman's "first aid kit" for breakups.

 

Afterward felt that I'd be able to let go of this guy, but this morning still feeling like crap.

 

The one part that I have a little trouble with is that it says never to apologize for doing something wrong. That seems like bad karma to me. I regret apologizing while I was still in my manic clingy state, but not for actually doing it. I guess if the only reason you do it is to try to get someone back, it might be a bad thing.

 

Plus this is someone I share friends with. It is very possible I will run into him again and I don't want to feel like I will have to hide in a corner or leave.

[fruitapus09]

TennesseeGirl- This guy is super shy and kind of geeky. He could barely even talk to me or look at me. Didn't know his eyes were blue til way later. Hard to believe the guy went to Iraq and Afghanistan multiple times!!

 

I know nothing would have ever happened if I didn't make a move. This is why it's so backwards and frustrating compared to any other relationship I've ever had.

[CFD656]

Back to day 1. I found out this past weekend that she cheated on me a few days before the breakup, and I lost it. It's been a terrible, terrible 72 hours.

[gottabelieve]

Day 15 of NC - Halfway there! Really does feel like she's fading away, but I'm not sure if that's just because I've surrounded myself with all of these other girl situations. I've had the temptation to write her several times (we work together, UNFORTUNATELY) but have remained strong. The only thing I really know that I have left is my dignity, and I think I lose that the second I contact her. She was the one who had the upperhand in our relationship - I knew and allowed it - but in our break-up, I want to be the one with control. NC is definitely hard, but for me the alternatives are harder.

[SnowFox]

I think the best part of NC is that we don't allow them to hurt us any further than they already have.

 

If we go NC, we save ourselves from so many MORE negative emotions than the ones we already have due to the break up.

 

We show them that we are strong and in control of ourselves and our emotions by going NC and that is a positive non-verbal message in any relationship - people who have self-control are desirable.

 

That doesn't mean our ex will want us back, but by staying NC, we send a very powerful message through our ACTIONS - and the majority of communication is non-verbal, not verbal....so by doing NC we ARE communicating LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!

 

All of our exes are getting a very CLEAR message right now - but they don't all know what it means - so we should all feel good that we can have this level of self restraint.

 

When they did the famous Marshmallow Experiment on young children ( you can google search it) they found that future success is more dependent on the ability to have self control and delayed gratification than on other factors like intelligence, etc.

 

So....feel good about yourself that you are exhibiting a skill that correlates with success in life by sticking with NC!!!

[fruitapus09]

Day 7, so close to calling the object of my NC today. It's amazing how within minutes I can feel so up and down about the whole thing - which in turn makes me realize I'm not ready to break NC!!

 

Relatives of our mutual friends are coming from out of town, and there are supposed to be lots of social get togethers. There is a slim, but not impossible, chance that the guy I like will be at one of these. I was tempted to contact him because I'd rather know in advance if he hates me so that if I see him out I can just avoid him.

 

But the smarter part of me would rather that he sees me out, says "I tried to date that girl and it didn't work out. But she is looking hot!!!" and not "That girl is psycho, hide me!!"

 

I feel so much better than I did a week ago, the feelings of being out of control are over, and I'm not beating myself up as much. I still feel like I screwed up my chance to be with this guy who I really had a connection with, so even though it was only a short connection, it still feels like a breakup emotionally. It's hard for most people to understand, but they weren't there to experience it first hand. So I can't tell them how sad I feel.

 

I try to think that if I wait another week, I'll feel even better yet! So might as well wait.

 

Work is hard right now. I told a few people of my breakup with the 6-yr ex right away, one of them because he has an alcoholic father and can relate to how I felt. Other people I told eventually. My workplace does not have much of a grapevine, I was hoping word would get around without actually having to say anything. But someone else who didn't know brought the ex up today. This particular guy comes around complaining about his wife constantly, and sometimes tells me he wishes he had more alone time. I want to tell him to shut up, all my time is alone time right now, and it isn't always that great!!

 

That being said, being single isn't a disease that needs to be cured, so I'm trying to be positive.

[dimnickel1980]

I'm on the 6th day of the break up and have only not contacted him one day so far. I really need this challenge for inspiration (what a great idea!!).

 

he dumped me bc he doesn't want to settle down and wants to test the waters.

 

no more sad/angry txts during depressing relapses. His fb is blocked and his number is out of my phone. good luck to all!

[alvina]

hi im new.

 

I was on day five and as we work together very closely i new he was missing me!

 

But today! ahhhh

 

we ended up having lunch together- fine still felt ok and in control, this was in a work setting, in the doctors loung, lots of other people about

 

Then ended up watching tv together and i felt more and more despertate i started fliritng and trying to get his attention.

 

We had to leave to go another city for another set of placements so were taking a car with a couple of other friends, i got my stuff ready and went to knock on his door to tell him we are leaving, he invites me and starts changing his clothes in front of me- i got embarassed and looked away!

 

Ok evening, went out to dinner with some other friends including him- i was miserable as i felt like he had moved on acting all happy and i loved him so much and wanted him so back and i looked really miserable too and was quiet.

 

We came back and while he was out he hurt his leg so i knocked on his door and walked in and said oh are u ok he said im just tired i want to sleep, i said oh let me just check you out,

 

he said ' look i jiust want to sleep, i need to undress and i cant to that while you are , bye'

 

i feel like im back to sqaure one! i havnt given up! i want him back so badly.

 

DO i still have a chance where do i go from here?

[SnowFox]

I am not counting days - today I had a migraine and these always make me irritable. So I was feeling mad at my ex and asking myself even if he decides to come back, would I want him after this?

[gottabelieve]

Back to Day 1 NC

 

Ex and I work together, and she contacted me for something work-related. I responded as I should've in a work sense, and then she replied with something that I didn't need to respond to... But I did... and naturally she didn't reply. I guess I could still pretend to be keeping with NC (this would be Day 17), but I feel like I lost it... so back to square 1.

 

For all of those considering breaking, don't. It doesn't feel good.

[dimnickel1980]

dream about us every night. my stomach always hurts when i wake up.

 

how can he not miss me?

 

NC strong still.

[wish_on_a_star]

Happily going on to day 4, already I notice the difference after months of speaking to my ex and going around in circles, I finally feel free. Off course I still love him and miss him alot, but I am definitely better than what I was before I started NC

[fruitapus09]

Day 8

 

Tempted to break NC. There are two text messages he never responded to dangling out there, and it's hard to just move on. Would much rather he said to leave him alone, as much as that would hurt initially, I would know to get over him and move on.

 

So it's tempting to try to put an ending to it, tell him that I felt things were going too fast and I was having feelings I wasn't ready for, and I'm a bad communicator, etc.

 

But it seems that no matter what I do to contact him, it will come accross as crazy and desperate. Even if I don't say "miss you" or "please give me another chance" or "lets meet for a beer" it will come accross as an attempt to get him back even though at this point I just want direction. Frustrating.

 

I guess maybe time will make the difference? At day 8 it might seem desperate, but later it might not? At 30 days will it look worse? Like why is this girl still thinking about me a month later, what a loser?

 

It feels like a breakup, and I know I have to treat it like one. My sister refers to this guy as "the weirdo" now, and surprised that it hurts. I've invested a lot of energy and emotion into this so far, and even though it was wrong for me to do that, I still can't ignore it.

[dimnickel1980]

went to the zoo without him and it seemed strange. also, feels weird not being with him for fourth. he could be and prob is with someone else

[fruitapus09]

Day 9

Yesterday was my family holiday party. My sister, normally so supportive, said things about both my ex (I think she secretly wants us to get back together, even though she knows the ugly truth about him and the alcoholism, fights, etc) and about the new guy I am trying to maintain NC with (told another friend that he ended up being a jerk).

 

I really feel like over the past 8 days that I may have figured out the problem a bit better. Or course it could be easy to overanalyize and come up with a solution to make the other person look better!

 

I think that the sex and chemistry I had with this person triggered the feelings of love, and I wasn't ready for it. We barely know each other, so it didn't make sense, and brought up all kinds of insecurity that I didn't recognize. So maybe our last night together, he wasn't really withdrawing. Maybe he was tired, maybe he heard bad news about the war. I don't know. But I internalized his actions and felt rejected because I wasn't secure in my feelings with someone I hadn't built up trust with yet. I didn't know him enough to trust that if he said he was fine, he was fine. If he said he was tired, that's all it meant.

 

Its crazy to think that at 36 I haven't figured this out yet. I've been in a lot of long term relationships and felt a lot of anxiety at times with some of the guys, but I was able to recognize it and stop before I completely destroyed the relationship. I guess with the new guy everything was happening so fast I couldn't stop it.

 

The temptation to try to find a way to explain this to him is terrible.

 

Everyone tells me there are lots of fish in the sea, just need to get "out there" yada yada yada. Well I went to a party, all single people. Got hit on by a few guys, but none compared to my shy soldier. They were initially physically attractive, but they wanted to talk about themselves, they were dressed to show off their muscles, they looked for any excuse to take their shirts off, maybe this is what guys in their 20s should be doing, but these guys were all late 30s and early 40s. It just doesn't impress me anymore. Good for them for keeping their bodies in shape, but I don't really need to see them when we are just meeting. Friends told me that these guys all have their shirts off in their Facebook profiles as well. Is this sexy to other people or am I just weird???

[CFD656]

On to day 2. Told her off Thursday afternoon, so yesterday was the first full day of NC!!!!

 

I'm so proud of myself that, when she was telling me that her life is so confusing right now, I was able to tell her, "Well, you always HAD me by your side, that was something you could always count on. But now, you made your choice, have your new boyfriend, have your friends, you can go to them about things going on in your life. I want nothing to do with it."

 

After 3 years, and and the last 9 mo. living together, she developed GIGS for a co-worker that happens to be our neighbors.

[dimnickel1980]

I'm still reminded of him everyday, but I think the worst is over... at least until i see him with someone else. it was so painful that my memory is beginning to block everything about him out but the bad. Still can't escape my dreams.

[Beardy]

5 1/2 year relationship. 2 months since break up. 2 weeks solid NC. This week has been harder than the first.

 

• Had the normal realisation that I might be doing this just in the hope of her begging me back.
  
• Had the weird realisation that I might just want her to ask me back just so I can turn her down.
  
• Had the horrific realisation that she's probably not going to contact me in any way shape or form for a long time.
  

All valid and valuable realisations I hope, anyone feel the same? Just need to keep on keeping on I guess!

[dimnickel1980]

resisted the happy holiday greeting yesterday. i'm glad.. he doesn't deserve it. still wishing i had more to do and ppl to be around to occupy me. feeling better than yesterday. miss him, but it doesn't hurt.

[fruitapus09]

Broke no contact. He is a vet, and these radio ads said thank a vet, and I was drinking, and felt all patriotic, watching fireworks, and texted him to thank him for his service.

 

Sigh. But couldn't stop there. Had to tell him I felt bad for ruining my chance to be friends with him.

 

Of course no response.

 

Feel about the same roller coaster feelings I've had the past 10 days. One minute I feel horribly ashamed and stalker-ish. I feel like he's probably with his friends laughing over what a crazy clingy woman he got himself involved with.

 

Then I hope he takes it as a hint that I'm thinking about him and he responds. Then I hope he doesn't respond and I can take the third unanswered text as a sign he hates me and then I can get over him.

 

So mixed feelings about breaking NC. I don't think it makes my situation that much worse except I have to start over again.

 

I think the reason that this short intense 3 night stand got me so crazy is that he reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend, who I totally fell for, thought we'd get married, and got dumped after 8 months. Ended up in therapy after that one.

 

Anyway, I know that this is not a healthy time for me to start a new relationship, having just ended a 6 year relationship in mid-April. Met this other guy in mid-May, there isn't much hope that he'd have ended up being more than a rebound anyway. People say I should "just date" this summer. How do you do that? I can't imagine picking people I'm not interested in, so I will select people I could potentially have a relationship with. So how do you shut down the feelings if you end up liking someone, just because it is too soon?? Besides I hate dating. So many "rules" and anxiety.

 

I think my biggest problem with the breakup is that I miss the "relationship" not the actual ex. So I wanted to fill that gap as soon as possible. Even though I only saw my ex every other weekend and got maybe 3-4 10 minute phone calls a week, and he wasn't "there for me" when I needed him. Somehow there is still an emptiness that I need to fill. I am doing a lot with friends this summer, so I'm not lonely. Just miss being able to feel close to someone, the talking and joking and spending time with someone.

[fruitapus09]

Beardy -

I have all those thoughts, sometimes within 10 minutes of each other!

 

You are not alone! Many people feel just like you, and will experience the same things you will.