Has anyone quit a job, or a group, or anything over an ex and later regretted it?

[rapunzel]

There are 8 other people involved here, so I can't say "I have better things to do". I feel I will have to include the other 6 core members of the band (other than him) in on the email announcement that I am leaving. After two years (and bands are like "families") I feel it is the right thing to do....I think highly of the other people and feel it would be rude of me to not acknowledge them upon my departure.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with BSBH that you don't owe him an apology, and that the e-mail you drafted sounds as if you feel like you have something to apologize for. By the same token, I understand your point about how your ex is not a terrible person because he doesn't want to be with you -- I feel the same way about mine. I think it's healthy to recognize our own responsibility for our actions (in this case, you say he told you that he was not over his ex and you chose to proceed to get involved with him a second time), but at the same time not beat ourselves up for the choices we've made. You wanted to give him another chance, and you did, and it didn't work out. At least you can say you gave it a shot. I made exactly the same choice you did, to re-involve myself with someone who made it clear that he had "unfinished business" with someone else -- so I know I cannot blame him 100% (though he is responsibile for other mistakes he made, such as sending a lot of mixed signals, as did your ex.) He made mistakes, but I made mistakes too; I still love him, and probably always will in some way, and I hope that someday he and I can be real friends, but I have let go of anger toward him and given myself a break and not beaten myself up. As you said in your post, "I only have one life." It's too short to waste beating ourselves up over choices we made that we can't un-make.

 

My feeling is that you should send a "yes" at this point and leave it at that. Things change in peoples' lives, and lots of things could happen in your life between now and November that would necessitate you quitting the band anyway.

 

As far as having that conversation with him...I don't know...I would advise against it at this point, as the emotions are still extremely raw for you. On occasion, I feel like having "the talk" with my ex (and we did talk a little bit a few months ago), but I don't think he has any clue how I really feel and how much I have struggled. The thing is, I'm not sure it would make any difference if he did, and I feel it might make me even more vulnerable to him, because all of my feelings would be exposed, and he is with someone else, which just adds a whole other dimension of "arrrgh!" to this. Would clearing the air make things better for you, or would it make things even more uncomfortable when you see him? Will it resolve anything, or will you still feel just as badly as you do now? I guess one thing that stopped me from really having "the talk" with my ex was that he has reconciled with his previous girlfriend, and so I'm not sure that talking about how I feel is really appropriate, and I worry about him telling her what we talked about, and I hate the thought of that. Worse, I imagine him looking at me with pity in his eyes, patting me on the shoulder, and saying somethng cringe-worthy like "I'm sorry, BEG36, but...I just don't feel that way about you...I'm in love with someone else, as you know; I'm sorry that hurts you." Gahhhhh!

 

Whatever you decide, put yourself FIRST. Not the band, not your ex, not anyone else but you. Feel free to bounce ideas off of us here anytime, too. We don't have all the answers, of course, but I've found that people here see things that I can't see sometimes because my emotions are getting in the way of my logic.

[rapunzel]

Yes, our situations have a lot in common browneyegirl36.

 

I did send a "yes" to the November date. This is such a deja vu, as I know I mentioned probably last year (!!) before round 2 with ex, that our bass player was having medical problems. Well, if his symptoms don't resolve he may need surgery which would place the band on hiatus anyway. I of course want him to feel better and I don't know the time frame on this but it's possible the band will have to dissolve (at least for a while) anyway.

 

Yes, I agree that opening up a conversation is very risky as the ex could feel pity (and we do not want to feel pitied) and say something like what you mentioned, and of course, I would feel worse and wish I had just kept my mouth shut. So this is why I've held back thus far, and yes, he is dating someone new (as far as I know, my gut tells me he is seeing her and will continue to see her) so what would be the point? He knows I wanted something more serious with him, and he didn't want it...so what else do I need to know, right? I have to either suck it up, take the lumps and swallow my pride and stay in the group - OR - I leave so I can heal.

 

So far the first option hasn't worked out. I still think about him and this situation a LOT, and it has affected my sleep, and really, my life. If we were working together in a situation where I did not have to witness him snuggling with his new woman, that would be one thing but the specter of having to see that again is just....not something I am looking forward to.

 

I do need to take care of myself. The reason I have NOT quit is my fear that I will regret it. But if I need to do it for my mental health, my plan is to get through the April 3 show. Then I am going to tell them I'm going on vacation and I am going to really try to do this. They have scheduled a recording session for 4/11 which I do not think I should do. Then I will do the big event at the end of the month with rock stars whose names I won't mention as it just would be lame of me NOT to do this event because he is going to be there.

 

Then, if I am still in the same state I'm in now, I will email everyone that I am going on hiatus for an indefinite period of time,and if they need to replace me I understand, that I have had a great two years with a wonderful group and wish them all well, or something to that effect.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think this is a great plan. Take it in small increments and see how you feel. I think the idea of taking a "hiatus" -- or at least asking for one -- might be a good one. But definitely not till after the show with the big rock stars!

[Daria_Lane]

You really dont know if he's still with his woman

 

I think you should put your best in the last show, at least you will remember that you left the band with a bang

 

Try not to focus on him. I really want you to put your best forward for that show and leave at least happy in THAT aspect.

 

I wish you best of luck, Rap.

[rapunzel]

Well, Daria you may be right but without going into any more detail my intuition is pretty strong that he is still seeing her....

 

So apparently based on the email he sent everyone at 7PM tonight, he went out to a club last night that we play at and always draw a huge crowd. He spoke to the booking manager and they have offered us a date on June 12th. I don't feel in good conscience I can accept this date if I am going to leave at the end of April, so I guess I have to respond that I have a conflict and cannot do that date.

 

Oh, what a tangled web I weave. The other band members are going to be really bummed and most likely are going to ask me what my conflict is. "Ummm...my conflict is I'm not going to be in the band at that time". I can't tell them that, so I'm forced to lie.

 

This sucks. I don't like to lie. All this planning ahead stuff makes this more difficult.

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally I still don't think you should leave the band.

 

Unless you were saying that the other person in the band might be leaving beacuse of medical reasons, hence the band could disband temporarily. If that's the case, then maybe it is divine intervention telling you the band is not good for you.

 

I dunno.

 

Otherwise, I think you are the one who is being forced to give something up, when it wasn't you who did something wrong. He was the jerk and the one who mistreated you and yet you are the one who is "paying" for it by feeling compelled to leave the band.

 

I feel for you and think you should not leave.

[browneyedgirl36]

Personally I still don't think you should leave the band.

 

Unless you were saying that the other person in the band might be leaving beacuse of medical reasons, hence the band could disband temporarily. If that's the case, then maybe it is divine intervention telling you the band is not good for you.

 

I dunno.

 

Otherwise, I think you are the one who is being forced to give something up, when it wasn't you who did something wrong. He was the jerk and the one who mistreated you and yet you are the one who is "paying" for it by feeling compelled to leave the band.

 

I feel for you and think you should not leave.

 

Hey Ren...I see your point (she didn't do anything wrong at all), but if she leaves, it's not because anyone did anything wrong -- it's because she's not healing from this situation, and being in contact with her ex (especially seeing him with someone else) is causing her a lot of pain.

 

In a perfect world, we'd all be able to get along with exes, see them at work or out in public and not be rattled, but...when you love someone, and they don't love you back (at least not in *that* way), and they've moved on to someone else, seeing them regularly is HELL. Honestly, I can't think of much worse than that. The only thing that saves me from total meltdown is that my ex's girlfriend doesn't work with us. If I had to see her on a regular basis -- especially with him there too -- I think I'd freak out, and I'm generally a pretty level-headed person, as I think Rapunzel is too.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I think that this situation is a pretty complex one, and if seeing her ex just keeps opening up the same old wounds after all this time, it might be better for her not to see him for a long time.

[rapunzel]

Personally I still don't think you should leave the band.

 

Unless you were saying that the other person in the band might be leaving because of medical reasons, hence the band could disband temporarily. If that's the case, then maybe it is divine intervention telling you the band is not good for you.

 

I dunno.

 

Otherwise, I think you are the one who is being forced to give something up, when it wasn't you who did something wrong. He was the jerk and the one who mistreated you and yet you are the one who is "paying" for it by feeling compelled to leave the band.

 

I feel for you and think you should not leave.

 

I don't want to leave but I feel that because I continue to be plagued by thoughts of him, with her, memories of what happened, which is affecting my functioning, sleep and work, that I have no choice. If I knew I would not have to see her I could probably deal with it. I wish I was stronger, that my self esteem was not so shaky that I have to quit because of this but just hearing that he had requested another ticket to the show he is attending with the other guys sent a flush through my body. I just assume it is for her, and I don't have proof of this but just that thought made me feel terrible. I see that he sent a band email last night at 1:26AM and I think "oh, he probably saw her last night, they had sex and he got home late" or "she was at his place late" because this is what used to happen when I was with him.

 

I don't know if/when the bass player will leave or if he will even have to. It depends on if his current treatment works, and if it doesn't, he may have to undergo surgery. It could be several months before it gets to this point, it could be 2 months, it could be never. I have no idea.

 

Well, just another example that "no one ever said life was fair." In a perfect world, as browneyedgirl36 has said, I could stay and be happy, be happy for him and her and just continue to enjoy the band. Also, I took a risk and it backfired on me. I truly wish it was not the case that I have to leave the group but all good things must come to an end.

[rapunzel]

I am still trying to figure out how to respond to this June date he wants to book.

 

I could just reply "I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a conflict on this date, maybe you can do it without me". But I know he won't want to do it without me (not because of ME personally, because of the vocal and instrumental parts I bring) and other band members will ask me why I can't do it (maybe). I could quit after the April 3rd show but people involved in the big benefit at the end of April will ask me "how are things with (the band)" and I will feel very awkward saying "oh, I quit" with my ex possibly in the same room. I got the benefit show through connections with this band, and everyone knows it.

 

I don't want to say "yes" to June if I'm going to be quitting after April, it would only give them 5-6 weeks notice to get someone else which is not enough time.

[JohnGalt]

No, but I attended the law school I go to because my ex wanted to go there. I gave up going to my dream school in order to be with her. I often wonder what life would've been like at the other school especially since my ex and I broke up...but I don't necessarily regret it since it is probably the best school in the country.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Rapunzel,

 

If you're iffy on staying with the band, I would tell them that you can't commit to June because it looks like you will be out of town or otherwise occupied. They don't need to know the specifics. You can simply say that you have plans -- and then maybe you can make some plans for yourself so that it won't be a lie.

 

I wouldn't recommend committing to it initially and then backing out. I think it would be better to NOT commit to it upfront.

 

I know it's a difficult decision; I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[rapunzel]

I am REALLY in a bind. There was a another option for June 12th that was being worked on, we thought it had fallen though and it was CONFIRMED today. It's in a new venue, a big concert hall we have never played at. People were excited about this.

 

Now I feel terrible saying I cannot do it, as before (several weeks ago) I said I was open on that date.

 

I'm wondering now if I should just talk to him and tell him what is going on. This sucks.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you really want to leave the band (which I personally think you might end up regretting a few months from now) I think it is time for you to tell them that after X date you will be leaving the band this way it gives them time to find a replacement. It is not fair to tell them at the last minute. You need to commit yourself one way or the other and you need to do this now...you have been mulling this over for far too long.

[CatsMeeoow]

If you really want to leave the band (which I personally think you might end up regretting a few months from now) I think it is time for you to tell them that after X date you will be leaving the band this way it gives them time to find a replacement. It is not fair to tell them at the last minute. You need to commit yourself one way or the other and you need to do this now...you have been mulling this over for far too long.

 

I must say I totally concur with this...

 

Every member of the band has a right to know that you are not planning on continuing after April... waiting and then saying such after April is not very responsible. As with any job it is customary to give notice and it just isn't professional not too.

 

I think we all sympathize with your pain and difficult decision but that doesn't excuse you from letting your bandmates know why you are unavailable in the future.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I agree with the above two posters. If you've made up your mind that you're leaving, you will have to tell them eventually, and giving them ample notice is really the appropriate thing to do.

 

So tell them you've decided to leave the band after the April concert, and they can make arrangements between now and June to get another singer. You don't owe anyone a big explanation as to why you're leaving, and can say any reason you want or no reason at all.

 

You can even leave the door open as in saying, i might be interested in coming back if you want in a year's time, but for now i need a break from this. That way you leave on good terms, and perhaps leave the door open for future if you heal and are ready to come back.

 

People will of course ask you why you're leaving because humans are curious by nature, but it is also a hobby, and people drop in and out of hobby groups all the time... so you can just say, you're getting a bit burnt out on it, or it is too much of a commitment of your spare time now, or work demands or whatever. Just politely demur and don't make a big deal of it, and they won't either.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, you need to ask yourself, what will talking to him about this accomplish?

 

so you talk to him and tell him you're uncomfortable around him and his new girlfriend... then what? it will be really awkward for him, and it isn't fair to ask him not to have his girlfriend attend just because you don't like it.

 

I think it will just create more tension, and you will get all excited seeing him, then all depressed by however he responds.

 

What will talking to him change? If it doesn't change anything, then don't do it as it just delays getting on with your healing.

[Daria_Lane]

You shouldnt discuss anything with him.

[ladyblue07]

I vote for staying in the band, especially if you think you'd regret quitting the band if you found out that they had broken up and seeing the new girl there wasn't a factor anymore. Sometimes it does take longer than we'd like to get over these situations. I slowly got over one of my heartbreaks over the process of about a year, and it was probably about 2 years before I could really say I had pretty much forgotten him.

From what you've said about this situation, I think there is a pretty good chance that things won't work out with the new girl. He can't keep his REAL age a secret from her forever, and if he is lying about that he's probably lying about other stuff too that will come out eventually. Plus his history of not committing suggests that he is not the most loyal person in the world anyway.

In a way, you should feel bad for her because she has no idea about the side of him that you've seen!

 

It's also my view that you shouldn't discuss how you feel with him. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's such hot stuff that women can't get over him. The day will come when you see him in a different light and you'll be glad you didn't.

[rapunzel]

Too late, alas, my bandmate that I confided in spilled the beans to him, told him on Friday I was thinking to quit, and he thought if my ex talked to me it would help. My bandmate said he thought I'd feel better after I talked to my ex. Well he called last night and it did not help and of course, now I feel worse.

 

He said the usual things dumpers say: "I care about you and I've always care about you. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I hoped we could be friends, that's why I sent you that card. I REALLY don't want you to leave the band." I asked him how he felt when HIS ex wanted to be his friend and he replied "I didn't like it at all." So he knows.

 

I can't do anything about it, I can't control what other people do. But now my ex knows I'm not over him and I have to see him tonight at rehearsal. Oh well, worse things have happened to people.

 

My bandmate found out he is NOT seeing this girl, and that my ex told him they were not compatible. But it's clear he's over me (well I knew this anyway, but my ego wanted him to be attracted to me again so I could blow him off....now the chances of that are NIL), he wants to be my 'friend' and hopes we can work it out. Any iota of attraction has been squelched and I'll never get the satisfaction of being able to reject him....except in my own mind.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm sorry... I really am...

 

But if you only wanted him to come back so you could reject him - that's not love or caring for someone... that's spiteful...

 

Hang in there... now that he knows how you feel and that things are out in the open between you maybe it will get better... who knows??? Could it get worse??? Probably not!

 

I can tell you that I am now very good friends with an ex... AND I am very happy. I never thought I would settle for friendship with him... but it just seemed so natural. You never know how you might feel in the future... there may come a time when you are grateful that the two of you are friends.

[rapunzel]

Thanks...well, I guess I'm lying to myself....I still want him to be attracted to me and want me, and it's all fantasy. I guess i was feeling a bit spiteful but that's just a cover.

 

I am hoping it gets better but only time will tell.

[renaissancewoman101]

Rapunzel, are you still planning to stay in the band or quit after the big concert in April, in light of the new circumstances (where the ex knows about you still liking him)?

[rapunzel]

I don't know yet, Ren...I do know he has decided to NOT play at the big concert at the end of April.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel...I'm sorry that your bandmate spilled the beans. I kind of wondered if that would happen. It forced you to have that "talk," and while I (and others) advised against having that talk, maybe it WAS for the best after all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You now have more information, you know that he knows where things stand with you...and things definitely could be worse.

 

I am sorry that all of this has happened. Have you decided anything yet? If you want to bounce some thoughts off of us, by all means do so. I wish I had some wise words for you. Sometimes these things just hurt like hell for awhile, until one day they start to hurt less, and then less, and then less still. There will come a time when it will hurt less. Maybe this is the beginning of real acceptance for you.

 

Take care of yourself, and keep us posted.