Tired Tiger Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Speaking of "proactive"... We went to pick up my vehicle today - about a 1/2 hour drive. It started out kinda somber (the reality of this is really setting in as the zero hour approaches). Out of nowhere, she says, "for what it's worth...". She has not written off "us" in/for the future. I know she's said similar over the past few weeks, but this was more unprompted. It's quite hard to know what to say to that in this situation, but I tossed out a hypothetical asking if I wasn't going to be living so far away, would we be dating once in a while? "No". She explained that whatever this is she's doing isn't to "find herself", but to "clear her head". I actually understand that as it applies to things like her family and relationship issues from her past, but I'm still unclear as to how this is manifested with 'us'. She cited the example of her cousin, who she had set up with someone. They had a LTR, lived together, then split up without contact for 6 months. They married last summer. I'm not sure what this all means. I know outsiders may see this as her "stringing me along" or leaving me in limbo, or maybe that this is more defined as a 'break' as opposed to a 'break-up'. Maybe so, but the truth is that I love this woman dearly and honestly believe that her feelings for me still run very deep. I suppose if I have a question, it's what sort of mindset do I try to adopt as I move forward? My intuition tells me to be patient and - while I have to live for myself first and foremost (of course), that there's a chance beyond wishful thinking that there will be a starting over for us one day. Is it unreasonable to think this after all I've stated has happened just in this thread? Sigh. All I know is that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning... Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Just in case anyone might still be following this saga... Well, today was the big day. I'm gone. In keeping with the surreal nature of the whole thing... this morning I was cuddling in bed with her. This evening, I'm in a crappy motel somewhere 2/3 of the way back to my home state. Tremendous. I did keep the departure scene short. I knew if I didn't just go, I'd have been a blubbering mess. Basically just an exchange of "I love you's" and away I went. Of course, even though I have been mentally prepared to not hear from her for a while (it was, after all, her idea that we need to be apart...), she's called me twice today. Not that I'm complaining, but... *sigh* Argh. I miss her already. ](*,) Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 man...i'm so confused for you. personally...i'd say she needs to respect your space at this point. this situation was initiated by her. the point being...she needs time alone. shouldn't you have the chance to have that time yourself? it's amazing that you were able to exchange 'i-love-you's. that would have done me in for sure. i'd want some level of contact from my girl only if there were really important things to discuss. it sounds a bit like torture for you at the moment. i hope it gets easier now that you're gone. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 Yeah. It should get easier... I guess. Yesterday wasn't so bad, all things considered, but today... eh. It's going to take some real gettin' used to this. Hell, it's been 24 hours since I've heard her voice - and that's the longest we've gone like that since we met. I dunno. I'm probably just babbling at this point... Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I've just read through this thread and I think you're so strong... what are you going to do now that you've left? NC? Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 Hi ScorpiGal... what are you going to do now that you've left? NC? I honestly don't know yet. I'm sort of on an 'hour-by-hour' crawl right now. My only 'plans' at the moment have to do with myself - work, money, etc. I can't really say I'm planning any particular course of action with her or the relationship. I need to "stabilize" my thoughts and emotions about all that first. In the last couple of days, I've gone from optimistic to depressed to angry, and back again. I'm just laying back on the contact until I get a grip on that, but not "going NC", as it were. We'll see what happens as time goes by, I guess. I know I miss her like crazy. :sad: Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Minor update time (if anyone is interested). Tomorrow will be a week since I left. The first couple of days were silent (the longest we'd ever been out of contact), but she called on Monday to see how I was doing. We've been in daily contact since, both phone and text (and some pretty racy text, at that ). I realize it's against the ENA mantra, but I can't envision "NC" accomplishing anything in this situation. The physical separation alone has already provided the 'breathing space' we both need to concentrate on our individual issues. Pretending to be strangers and ignoring each other at this point would feel more like an unnecessary and painful game. Besides, we've come to a better understanding of each other since the 'bomb drop' than we had been doing during the last few months of the relationship. We're both of the thinking that our story isn't over, though I have no idea what that means time-wise. Patience will be my virtue... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I realize it's against the ENA mantra, but I can't envision "NC" accomplishing anything in this situation. The physical separation alone has already provided the 'breathing space' we both need to concentrate on our individual issues. Pretending to be strangers and ignoring each other at this point would feel more like an unnecessary and painful game Agreed. I support "NC" in principal, but sometimes it's espoused here as the one fix-all for dealing with every ailing relationship. From reading your comments, I believe you and she need literal space, that is, freedom from intruding upon one another day after day. That's not the same as "no contact." As you stated, you need to be patient ... give this time. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Patience can be tough, but I suppose it's better than being hopeless, right? Today is one of those struggle days... I really miss her. On edit: Ugh. Just talked to her this evening, and because she has a friend coming in from out of town (a woman), we'll probably be out of contact for several days. I guess I'll really need that patience now. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 tired tiger hang in there tonight. thats not a bad thing that a woman friend is coming in town. she will still probably be thinking of you and may be even talking about you to your friend. this may be a good thing. keep your head up. know other people are going through the same thing. its normal to feel a mix of feelings. i still feel it after 5 months Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 Hi sunnyv. I read your story too. Sorry you're going through this madness. Her woman friend is actually someone that was part of the on-line group where we first met. She knows the whole story, and thought we were a fairy tale, so who knows what they're going to be yakking about. Hey, at least I'm not dealing with her bringing some new guy over for the weekend. The thought of that... on our bed... would make me want to vomit. Ugh. I don't even want to go there. But I feel better today. A little. I couldn't get to sleep last night, but she texted me goodnight late and I passed out right after that. Heh. I guess I'm like a heroin addict that gets a shot of methadone every once in a while. It's a tricky dynamic now between us that I'm still learning to navigate. She'll initiate most of our contact, and will surprise me with 'love you' and 'miss you' and little things that leave the future door wide open, but if I go fishing for that stuff she gets hesitant and/or quiet. I fully understand how that works, but I'll admit I can't always help myself. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 heroin addict...that's a wonderful analogy. still horribly confused for you my friend. you seem to be finding your way somehow though. i've never really considered the idea of physical distance alone. i think it might have some validity to it. i have both kinds of distance. i'm not sure i'd have it any other way. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 heroin addict...that's a wonderful analogy. still horribly confused for you my friend. you seem to be finding your way somehow though. i've never really considered the idea of physical distance alone. i think it might have some validity to it. i have both kinds of distance. i'm not sure i'd have it any other way. Well, I don't have much choice but to find my way through it. I fully understand your position of both distances, and my extensive past supports that being the only way 99% of the time. This one for me is totally unique. What keeps me grounded here is the fact that both her and I are very mature and honest. That should indicate that we'll eventually find our way without playing games. Although, I'm still not entirely sure what "clear my head" means, exactly - or how long such a thing takes. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 *sigh* Four days now of deafening silence. I know we'd discussed that she'd be too busy entertaining her friend this past weekend, but I guess a part of me was still hoping for a little 'goodnight' text or something. Nada. I also figured I'd have heard from her by now, but... . thats not a bad thing that a woman friend is coming in town. she will still probably be thinking of you and may be even talking about you to your friend. this may be a good thing. I got to thinking about this, especially in light of all this silence. Somewhere around here I recently read a thread that mentioned "break-up enablers". This really struck a chord with me. She's spent so much time in the recent couple of months on the phone with all these 'virtual' friends... mostly 30 and 40-somethings with completely dysfunctional relationships of their own. This one that was with her this weekend has gotten 10 times the communication time that I have as of late. Funny thing is, the three of us 'met' at the same time through the same site. She was our biggest fan, and thought we were the fairy tale. But now? I'm kinda thinking she's the primary "break-up enabler". Thus, could be the reason why I'm feeling as if I'm in some sort of 'unannounced NC'. That, or I'm just over-analyzing because I have no idea how to classify what's going on. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 break up enablers...that's an interesting idea. i wonder if it works the other way...that is...being surrounded by people in healthy relationships (past and present). my ex is now living with her sister (whose husband i'm great friends with). i dunno if that's making her realize what a 'good' relationship SHOULD be like...or if she tends to feel more lonely because she doesn't have that right now. i've also been wondering if being around these people is the best way for her to move on. she's essentially put her life on hold. she has no real responsibilities at this point. she's spending time with her family (new niece and nephew to spend time with also). it may only renew her idea that she didn't have those things in our relationship. what happens when she finds a way to be on her own though? the realization of what loneliness feels like might hit her at that point. who knows. there are so many variables to consider. i've continued to have the feeling that she isn't really capable (at this point in her life) of truly being independent. her only way out of her current situation might be to find someone new. i don't think that will help her come to peace with everything that's happened at this point. but then...i don't really know that. one way or another...she'll come to a conclusion on what she wants...and who can provide that for her. i think we all have these notions that we create...because we really just don't know. there's no way to know. i think it's a natural part of the whole relationship dynamic. i try not to worry about it as the days pass. i find it only sets me back. at this point...all i can do is focus on my own life...and where i want to go. MY life. i intend to be ready for whatever comes my way. i think you need to get to the point where you don't worry about contact from her. that's the part that takes time. i think it's the only way that you'll be able to heal from this. make sense? Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 break up enablers...that's an interesting idea. i wonder if it works the other way...that is...being surrounded by people in healthy relationships (past and present). I believe that's possible, even if those people aren't necessarily in healthy relationships. All of my closest friends have been very supportive of me without influencing what I'm actually doing. Case in point - I spent the weekend house/pet sitting for one of my oldest and closest friends (a woman - we've been friends for 25 years). Sunday was the first I've actually seen her in a long time, though she knows this story by phone and email. She's been right there with me through all my adult break-ups. For this one? She says I'm handling this all amazingly well (don't tell my stomach that), and that she's baffled by the whole thing. She did note that she (my "ex")... "doesn't know". In other words, she doesn't know the full extent of what it means to miss me/us. Not that she's suggesting NC, but "just sayin'...". Interesting. Unfortunately, I don't know many people in 'healthy' relationships. Seems my age group is pretty jaded. i've continued to have the feeling that she isn't really capable (at this point in her life) of truly being independent. That's kind of a catch 22, man. I mean, that may sometimes seem like a positive variable in terms of her possibly being attracted back to the relationship, but I doubt you'd want that sort of neediness as the foundation for reconciliation. I sort of have a 180 degree tangent on that here. She's never been 100% independent, but could easily handle the logistical side of that (at least, that's what she wants to be and is smart and motivated enough to do it). The part she going to struggle with (I'm sure of this) is the intimacy, affection, and sex. Those are areas I know to this day she has almost what I would call an infatuation with me over. I just don't know if that stuff will win out over this "clear my head" pop psychology thing she's into right now. My woman friend seems to think it will. I dunno. i think you need to get to the point where you don't worry about contact from her. that's the part that takes time. i think it's the only way that you'll be able to heal from this. make sense? That makes perfect sense. On paper. As it so happened, she did finally text me last night - and briefly this morning. She's sick (bad cold), but wants to talk on the phone later. So, a little relief there over what I was feeling yesterday, but you're right... I've been leaving the phone aside more when I take a shower or step outside for a smoke. I hate keeping myself tethered to that thing. Lol. My #1 priority right now is landing a work contract (I'm in a very specific field of engineering that requires working on the road). Money and change of scenery will make a huge difference. That'll get me my old groove back. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 She's never been 100% independent, but could easily handle the logistical side of that (at least, that's what she wants to be and is smart and motivated enough to do it). The part she going to struggle with (I'm sure of this) is the intimacy, affection, and sex. Those are areas I know to this day she has almost what I would call an infatuation with me over. I just don't know if that stuff will win out over this "clear my head" pop psychology thing she's into right now. My woman friend seems to think it will. I dunno. This is very much like my situation, but I've gotten comfortable with it. My "separated girlfriend" has never been 100-percent independent in her life, and she really wants that independence (and an urban setting) while she's still young enough to enjoy them. (She thinks life really is like "Sex and the City.") In the past, she has relied significantly on her parents or on me for support, but now she's established with a good job (accountant/manager), a reliable car and no major debts, so she's free to rent an apartment in the "artsy" part of downtown and live her way. Her need for domestic independence and an urban lifestyle were huge factors in our breakup. (So was the influence of her conniving sister, but that's another story.) Howeva, like your girlfriend, I'm sure my girlfriend is going to "struggle with intimacy, affection, and sex" as well. She needs these things, and I think she needs them from me. She may think she's going to find them elsewhere, but she bonds with people slowly and cautiously, and the bond and compatibility between her and me is extraordinary, almost eerie. I think it'll win the day if I'm patient. Patient. (There's still the "wild card" that she's always been attracted to other women ... so if she wants to experiment, now's the time to go for it, I guess.) So how to deal with all this? By leaving her alone for a while and letting her sort it out for herself. I feel great about myself, and I have plenty of other things to keep me busy (like working out and finishing my master's). I'm not a loud advocate of "NC," but I've been practicing it: She moved out 52 days ago, we haven't spoken face to face in 45 days, and we haven't exchanged e-mails (or any form of communication) in 42 days. I'm telling you, this gets easier and "better" with each passing day, and I'm sure I'm doing a good thing by backing way off. She's is very stubborn, though, and I wouldn't expect her to "cave," even though, by all rights, she should be the first to call. I fully intend to break "NC" eventually, but I have a strategy and a timetable, and I'm sticking to it. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 exactly. your situation seems a little different...mainly in the fact that you guys still seem to be having contact...and she seems unable to show restraint when it comes to making the time and space for herself (and allowing it for you). i'm wondering if you have any feelings towards what's missing from her life at this point. is there anything she's missing that affects you? i know for me...i've started to REALLY come to that realization. it always used to be there...in the back of my head...but now it's more pronounced. i think it's a good sign. i don't really see it as a catch 22 anymore. as much as i may want to get back together...it won't happen without positive changes...from both of us. i won't go back to a situation that i know i can't be happy with. that's the one thing i'm not willing to give. it's funny to come to that realization at this point. now the feelings shift from blindly wanting her back...to hoping that she can make the positive changes in her life. she needs to find her own peace...and that needs to be done on her terms...without any pressure from me. the whole situation is starting to make more sense. do you think your girl would be willing to actually cease contact for awhile? maybe it's not the right thing in your situation...but it's hard to imagine finding the time to think for yourself when you're still having these regular little chats. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 it's funny to come to that realization at this point. now the feelings shift from blindly wanting her back...to hoping that she can make the positive changes in her life. she needs to find her own peace...and that needs to be done on her terms...without any pressure from me. the whole situation is starting to make more sense. That's exactly how I feel. I love my girlfriend more than I can express in words, but things have to change on both sides before we could hope to be together and happy again. And I'm convinced that that could never happen without "constructive separation and reflection" and, yes, a period of zero contact. I need to be in my space, and she needs to be in hers. I don't know for certain whether she's making constructive use of our time apart and her time alone, but I know I'm making good use of mine. It's the best I can do. do you think your girl would be willing to actually cease contact for awhile? maybe it's not the right thing in your situation...but it's hard to imagine finding the time to think for yourself when you're still having these regular little chats. I've been reluctant to get on the "NC" bandwagon, but I think Tired Tiger does indeed need to cut her off for a while. Let her see just how well her "internet friends" satisfy her emotional needs. I say the odds favor him. In the meantime, the obvious: Our tired friend needs to thoroughly examine himself and his broken relationship and make the changes that'll make things right when the time comes (and it will come) to attempt reconnection. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 Much very good feedback, guys... thanks again. Sort of "brothers in arms", I guess. Of course, I'd prefer none of us had to go through any of this, but such is life, right? Brownstone, I think you're being very mature and intelligent in your approach. It takes a great deal of respect, and yes - love, to follow the path you're on. Kudos to you. Heh - maybe if we can figure out this "turning 40" thing with women, we can write a book together and make a fortune. 90, I'm not sure how she would handle a request for NC. It's actually something that was brought up during that 3 week limbo period I was still there, but this was quickly dismissed - not because it's not a valid idea in most cases, but that "we're a unique situation". I also can't pretend to know exactly what she's thinking at any given time. It's as if we're 95% attached and crazy for each other, but that 5% is the wild card. A wild card that has me displaced a million miles away. I guess one of the ways I see this is that *she* was the one that expressed the need for this current situation. Apparently that is only to the extent of physical separation. I also believe that the fact that we cohabited for 3 weeks after this happened - and continued contact after - has allowed both of us the opportunity to understand each other better. It's been a lot of information - valuable information that is crucial for whatever the future holds. As for strictly myself, I know what I know with or without contact. Emotionally, yes, I miss her so much it hurts. But I know in my head that life's basics for myself are my main priorities. Work/economics, creative projects, friends, and my insatiable quest for knowledge (I've been reading more recently than I have in years). That's all easy stuff for me - I've been very independent my whole life. The psychological stuff? Well, I went through my whole counseling/self help/depression/relationship thing almost 15 years ago. I know who I am. I like who I am. No massive changes needed. What I did need was a kick in the tail - a wake-up call, as I simply got a little complacent. Well, mission accomplished! LOL! That's not to say I'm ignoring whatever issues she's conveyed to me, but that I "get it". If and when the time comes, I'll be more than ready to start over. The question is... will she? Anyway, as for the NC thing - I'm not there right now, but if this were to turn into a "push-pull" thing - I'd have no choice. I should be able to tell if it feels like I'm just having my leash tugged. Not yet, but I do know what you guys are saying... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Brownstone, I think you're being very mature and intelligent in your approach. It takes a great deal of respect, and yes - love, to follow the path you're on. Kudos to you. Heh - maybe if we can figure out this "turning 40" thing with women, we can write a book together and make a fortune. At first glance I read that as "immature," and my first reaction was, "What the hell?! I thought I was being pretty level-headed!" ... Then I read more carefully. Anyway, what sets our situations apart from most of those on here is that we are mature -- we're not kids, the girlfriends from whom we're separated aren't kids, and the dynamics are different. The younger people on here are still going through the stages where they'd be expected to date lots of people, and they frequent social situations where they have lots of opportunities for new experiences. It's part of growing up. (Not only that, some of them confuse weeklong spats for "breakups.") Our situations, in contrast, scream for patience. The bonds we share with our girlfriends are deeper and stronger than most here, and we have to recognize that time is on our sides. That doesn't mean that we're home free (hardly), but we have to take the time to work on ourselves while allowing them to work on theirs. You and I will get another shot -- so let's not force the issue and instead concentrate on being the right kind of people when that time comes. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 Patience. Yes. Well. This early-ish stage of this break/break-up/whatever is testing that a LOT. I left her alone over this 4-day weekend thing (and that was tough, but at least there was reason). She initiated with text last night, but that was odd - kind of interrupted and cut short. Again early this morning, she texted that after she takes some cold medicine she'll get right back to me about doing a call today. I've heard nothing since - even after I texted twice today to see if she was ok, and asked if she wanted me to leave her alone. Nothing. This is very much not like her, so I don't know what to make of this. I'm between a rock and a hard place. We've always been concerned with each others welfare, but if she's ignoring me for some reason (?), then whatever I do looks clingy, right? Ack. I dunno. I guess I'll just give it a rest till I know any different. It's days like this that make me feel like I'm acting like a teenager again. on edit: See, I'm such a goof. She fell asleep - thought I was silly for thinking she was ignoring me. I really need to get back to work... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Dude, you really have to get into your own space for a while. Trust me, because I'm there (and you're so not). Don't worry about whether she texts or calls. This will matter later, but it shouldn't matter now. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 I'll get there... really I will. She's still like a drug on me. Those fixes feel so good... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I'll get there... really I will. She's still like a drug on me. Those fixes feel so good... Look ... I'm not "Mr. NC" ... we already have plenty of those here, but it's time for you to call her emotional bluff. If she doesn't want you around, then she needs to understand what that actually entails. It's time for you to tell her (politely) that's it's best if you don't communicate at all for a while. She'll say, "For how long?" And you'll reply, "I'm not exactly sure." Maybe explain that you both need the "time" to go with the "space" that you already have. (And remember, the "space" was her idea, so you have every right to demand the "time.") Then stay out of contact for a while --at least 30 days, maybe more. As I wrote earlier, I have every intention of breaking NC and always have, but I'm feeling better about myself every day, and I'm gonna call her only when I damn well feel like the time has come. And that's definitely not today. Join me on the wagon already. Link to comment
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