IMAbadman Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 OK... I'd probably hit it too. Then get up and go sleep in my own bed. That'll get her thinking. Wham, bam, see you in the morning "friend". Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Those last couple of recent sessions were all the exclamation points either of us could have imagined. It's probably best to leave on a high note. Plus, the morning-after smackdown is just to brutal to deal with again. We did sleep fairly close together in the same bed again last night, but that's all. Today, I've just been keeping my distance. It's great that we can still get along so well through all of this, but I've been finding lately that this pleasant small talk is largely about her friends and their dramas and her message board and it's often inane threads. It only serves to remind me how frustrated I've been that, in effect, she replaced our relationship with this virtual cadre of 40-something women... only one who she's met in person... who nearly all have failing/dysfunctional marriages/relationships. And while I can fully acknowledge my role in where our relationship got kinda off-track, I'm not going to take the full hit for where we're at today. In fact, I believe this "addiction" of hers should count for 50%. *** Insert break in writing this post here to call mom and beg for money to get home (ugh), and a brief talk with 'her' (ex) about that conversation... *** Mind spinning... must concentrate... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Today, I've just been keeping my distance. It's great that we can still get along so well through all of this, but I've been finding lately that this pleasant small talk is largely about her friends and their dramas and her message board and it's often inane threads. that's the worst part. how do you get going when it feels so much like it used to. getting along is great...but not when it makes you want to scream. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Today, I've just been keeping my distance. It's great that we can still get along so well through all of this, but I've been finding lately that this pleasant small talk is largely about her friends and their dramas and her message board and it's often inane threads. that's the worst part. how do you get going when it feels so much like it used to. getting along is great...but not when it makes you want to scream. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 that's the worst part. how do you get going when it feels so much like it used to. getting along is great...but not when it makes you want to scream. Yep. What this is, in effect, is an excruciating, 2-3 week long goodbye scene from a sappy 'chick flick'. It's almost pathetic, really... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yep. What this is, in effect, is an excruciating, 2-3 week long goodbye scene from a sappy 'chick flick'. It's almost pathetic, really... what's worse...is that it's preventing you from having the opportunity to be reflective and honest with yourself. when your coming out of your lowest emotional point...you need to be able to take that time. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 what's worse...is that it's preventing you from having the opportunity to be reflective and honest with yourself. when your coming out of your lowest emotional point...you need to be able to take that time. I'll be getting that time soon (I hope). Just juggling what I need to do to stay on my feet will keep me plenty busy. I'll have to come back here at some point to get all my stuff (a large moving van worth), but hopefully I'll be in a more stable mindset by then. I know the drill. I'll be able to get through the worst of it (which is actually still to come). I've done it before (probably too many times). This one does "feel" different though, but that's kind of hard to explain. Leaves are falling all around, Its time I was on my way. Thanks to you, Im much obliged For such a pleasant stay. But now its time for me to go, The autumn moon lights my way. For now I smell the rain, And with it pain, And its headed my way. Ah, sometimes I grow so tired, But I know Ive got one thing I got to do, Ramble on, And nows the time, the time is now To sing my song. Im goin round the world, I got to find my girl, on my way. Ive been this way ten years to the day, ramble on, Gotta find the queen of all my dreams. ~Zeppelin Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yep. What this is, in effect, is an excruciating, 2-3 week long goodbye scene from a sappy 'chick flick'. It's almost pathetic, really... Uh huh... yep... And when she reels away you feel as if you've been used and abused. TT I think your on the pain train buddy. Buckle up. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Uh huh... yep... And when she reels away you feel as if you've been used and abused. TT I think your on the pain train buddy. Buckle up. Yeah. Don't I know it. I still have a few days to go here, and things are becoming... well, I dunno. I'm just fighting off depression, and she looks drained. We still get along just fine (except for a bit of tension on money issues), but I know this isn't healthy for either of us. If there is a positive side (positive being a subjective term here) to this extended situation, it's that maybe I understand a little bit more what's going on here. I do know that this isn't all my 'fault'. I can acknowledge my own imperfections and mistakes with ease (though hindsight is 20/20, right?). Yet, there's been nothing so awful as to warrant what I feel is a pretty drastic decision like this - especially taking our history, and even current dynamics into account. Thus enters, "It takes two to tango". She fully admits that she has 'issues' that need to be addressed. Mostly related to a somewhat dysfunctional extended family and stuff from previous relationships. What she's doing now is an extension from what her counselor told her when her second marriage was ending - that she should spend some unknown period of time not in any sort of relationship at all. To "find herself", I guess. Sooo... now is the time to implement that plan? And the one who has been by her side with nothing but support (while that 'family' and friends were nowhere to be seen) - is somehow disposable? And this new gaggle of virtual hens she's all wrapped up in now is how she's going to work on her 'issues'? *sigh* I guess. Whatever. I suppose I should be grateful - somehow - that there's no 3rd wheel (OM) involved in this. I'm not sure how much better that's supposed to make me feel... Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hang tough. It's her loss. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Ack. Sorry, I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record. Just need to get a little out here on a daily basis... I've been around the block more than a few times. A veteran of the relationship thing, I guess. I've been through breakups with the immature, cheaters, basket-cases, and even an alcoholic. None were "easy" to get over, but you do what ya gotta do and move on. I can do "NC" (when appropriate) standing on my head, and every other "recovery process", too. But just when I thought I'd experienced it all... This situation is leaving me dumbfounded. We've come full circle here - right now - to the point of having more intimacy, communication, understanding, affection, compassion, and chemistry than we've had since our 'honeymoon' period. Now, I've been consciously giving her all the space I can - in other words, I'm not manipulating this scenario into being - and she insists this has nothing to do with pity or guilt. It's just a return to the dynamics that brought us together in the first place. Powerful stuff. But... I still must leave. ](*,) This is a new one on me. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 this sounds familiar. i think it's a natural time for you both to be emotional together. makes sense for there to be some pretty intense feelings going on between you. i don't know if it's really something that can be understood at this point. just another step in the process. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Yeah, 90 - and quite a process it will be. It looks like Monday will be my hopefully not-too-dramatic exit. And while I'm going to be plenty busy with all I need to do strictly for myself, there will be no escaping dealing with this stuff. Neither of us has any 800 lb gorilla resentments against the other, and this will really feel much like a state of limbo. This weekend is pretty much our swan song, I guess - at least of this chapter. The kids are gone, and she wants to spend some time together. It feels very surreal at this point... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 what kind of time? sounds...interesting... i hear ya on the 'limbo'...makes for an interesting point in your lives. it'll be a true test of character how you choose to respond to all of this. i might have missed it from the beginning...but are the kids yours together? that definitely will add a whole different element to the mix. how are they dealing with the situation? Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 No - the kids (boys 10 and 13) are hers. To be honest, I'm not sure they even know about all this. That's really her department in this situation, ya know? I'm guessing they'll be fine, as they have a good relationship with their father (who is basically a big kid himself), and I'm not leaving with the Playstation or Wii. Heh. As for how I'm going to respond to this after I leave... I really don't know. It's not exactly a "NC" situation (we've already both laughed about that). It almost seems like more of a 'break' of sorts. Then again, how long am I supposed to wait? She does hold all the cards as far as that goes. Of course, I have to come back at some point anyway, as 99% of my stuff will still be here. Who knows if I'll need that moving truck or not... Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Been a few days since I posted, just an update-bump. I'll finally be getting my vehicle back tomorrow, and leaving the following morning. Still the status quo around here - close, intimate, yada yada yada, like a very happy couple (so long as the question of why I have to leave isn't brought up). Now, I know - and understand - the ENA mantra... go NC, live for myself, move on. I also get that she hasn't yet actually experienced the consequences of her decision - in other words, she has yet to miss me - or 'us', as it were. I can't see how it's possible she wouldn't. Now perhaps I'm over-analyzing due to still living in a dream I've been so rudely awakened from, but this doesn't strike me as a "break up" in any way I'm familiar with (and I do have plenty of experience). As she refuses to attach any finality to this, is this more of a 'break', as it were? I guess only time can answer that question. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to make sense of this after I leave... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 funny...i get that impression too. who knows how it's going to feel once you've left though (for either of you). glad you're finally able to move on from the current situation. keep us posted. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hey 90. While I'm not looking forward to the 'backwards' lifestyle change I'm about to go through, I have to admit that I've found reasons why I want to leave (as opposed to accepting being forced to go). As pleasant as things are when we're spending these times together now, In between those times it feels like I'm sort of waiting for table scraps. That's not right. I feel almost disrespected - and this is a result of her internet/phone addiction. It's totally out of control (and selfish) - we're talking in the realm of 14-16 hours most days, and every bit of 'small talk' conversation is a reference to the same goofy message board and her cronies. I've realized that this is something that was bothering me well before she dropped the bomb. Kind of a sad red flag for me, as the most serious/long term relationship for me prior to this was with someone with an addiction (alcohol). Not exactly the same, I know, but the selfish aspects and relationship effects do draw some parallels. Anyway, I guess my point is that this is at least one point of negativity amongst all this that gives me some reason to justify this 'break' (?) for myself. *sigh* Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 that sounds like progress...in a certain respect. i started to feel that way myself eventually. once i got past the initial heavy emotional stage...i started to put some things into perspective. i'm not sure there were huge red flags for me...but there were definitely things that had gone awry in the relationship as far as i was concerned. i've started to feel better about the whole situation. i'm still extremely lonely...but i really am starting to feel like it's for the better. there's still hope for a future...but it's more realistic. it's not really something i hope for in a helpless kind of way anymore. you might call it 'proactive hope'. i dunno. it doesn't feel like that's what's getting me through the days so much now. i think that's a good thing. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 "proactive hope". I'll have to remember that one. Right now, I'm just bracing for the worst of that middle-of-the-chest hurt that I know is coming after I leave here. Problem is, I may have to prepare for major backslides that will prolong the process. It's very limbo-ish, and I have no idea what it all means in the long run. It would be great if we end up being one of those success stories, as I really do feel she's the love of my life, but the reality is that I have very little control over that possibility. She's using all these friends of hers as a surrogate for proper counseling (can't afford that). Right now, it feels like it comes down to a tug of war between these people (who aren't necessarily 'against' me, but don't seem to be helping my cause) and the power of our fundamental connection (which seems to be quite powerful, based on these last few weeks). But again, only time will tell... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 do you play an instrument of any kind? i find my guitar is my best friend these days (admittedly, just looking at it in the initial stages made me a little lonely). it's very peaceful. i liken it to meditation in some ways. i highly recommend it. learning music is one of the most challenging endeavours i've ever attempted. i think it helps to keep my mind focussed on beautiful things. only hope i don't end up writing radio breakup tunes (disgusting). Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Huh. Funny you should mention that. I'm no pro, but I've been playing guitar for 30 years. Kinda out of practice, but at least one of my four (probably the acoustic) has a seat reserved for the trip home. You're right, it's very therapeutic. That is, as long as I don't sit around playing "My Immortal". Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 i find anything i play that i used to play...doesn't sound right anymore. has to be new stuff. mostly my own strange compositions. my relationship with my guitar is a lot like my other relationships. i always find my way back to something meaningful. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Yes, except a guitar will never tell you they need space to find themselves. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Yes, except a guitar will never tell you they need space to find themselves. lol...you said it. never any reason to resent your guitar...unless you're crazy...and you hear it taunting you. Link to comment
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