How do you define "emotional affair"

[penelope13]

I'm curious to find out how everyone defines "emotional affair" - until I came to ENA i hadn't even heard of this term.

 

What distinguishes a close friendship with someone outside your relationship from an emotional affair?

 

Can you have an emotional affair with someone even if you are not sexually attracted to the other person?

[free2Bme]

I enterperite it to be longing for someone else without anything physical happening, and sharing intimate secrets with this person.

 

Or if your SO chats to someone online, wishing they could be together, but not actually taking it to the stage where something physical happens.

[Ac143]

My definition is - if my SO was sharing his emotions with someone else instead of me. His dreams, goals & desires, sexual desires, lusting for that person....be in person, IM, text, phone etc..

 

Can you have an emotional affair without being sexual attracted to the person? - I think you can, sure.

[chaosa]

My definition is - if my SO was sharing his emotions with someone else instead of me. His dreams, goals & desires, sexual desires, lusting for that person....be in person, IM, text, phone etc..

 

Can you have an emotional affair without being sexual attracted to the person? - I think you can, sure.

 

I agree...and it can be more detrimental when you are emotionally involved instead of simply a sexual desire.

[penelope13]

My definition is - if my SO was sharing his emotions with someone else instead of me. His dreams, goals & desires, sexual desires, lusting for that person....be in person, IM, text, phone etc..

 

So if I (as a women) share my dreams and goals with one of my girlfriends, that is already bordering on emotional affair?

 

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that whatever you are sharing, the most intense should always be with your SO other regardless of what it is.

 

That is sometimes difficult to uphold. For example, I am very passionate about my profession, but have never dated someone in my field. Thus in this respect I necessarily share my dreams and goals with friends/ colleagues. Of course each of my SO knew that I am passionate about it.

 

sharing intimate secrets with this person.

 

Can discussing your relationship outside the relationship be considered "sharing intimate secrets"?

 

 

BTW: I am not judging anyone's definition. As with nearly everything else, it's a personal thing and everyone has to decide what they are comfortable with. I am just trying to figure out if there is a common denominator and what that might be.

[Nixee]

I'm curious to find out how everyone defines "emotional affair" - until I came to ENA i hadn't even heard of this term.

 

What distinguishes a close friendship with someone outside your relationship from an emotional affair?

 

Can you have an emotional affair with someone even if you are not sexually attracted to the other person?

 

I think the biggest difference between a close friendship with someone and a real emotional affair is the exclusiveness - the secrecy. My ex had an emotional affair that evolved into him leaving me for a co-worker. He grew close to her without me even knowing about it.... speaking with her daily about us, the intimate details of our relationship, having extended lunches together, forming a bond and an attraction.

 

In so many ways this is much more dangerous and devastating than a purely physical and sexual affair, because it isn't about sexual gratification... it is about love and intimacy... connection. Your partner is slowly abandoning intimacy with you and seeking it out with someone else until they decide to jump ship on you entirely... at least that is what it felt like to me.

 

But basically... that is the distinction for me... if you have a friend outside of your relationship that you feel the need to hide from your significant other in any way, or you start to think maybe you are crossing the line by some of the discussions you are having (getting a bit too close)... then THAT is an emotional affair.

 

I think if there is no attraction, then an emotional affair is less of a worry... though if you are spending excessive time with someone other than your SO, that can still be an issue that would bug your SO

[homeagain]

quoted:

>But basically... that is the distinction for me... if you have a friend outside of your relationship that you feel the need to hide from your significant other in any way, or you start to think maybe you are crossing the line by some of the discussions you are having (getting a bit too close)... then THAT is an >emotional affair.

 

i totally agree with your definition. i think the important part that you laid out is the secrecy which usually exists around the new person, and the separation from the relationship and SO.

 

i was in a relationship where i found out about this person and my SO, and i was very distraught. he responded with, "i'm not sure why she is a threat to you. she is only my friend - i'm not attracted to her in that way. if i had wanted to be with her, i would be." that didn't make me feel any better because he still lied to me about all the time he spent with her, and also lied about talking to her at all... more disturbing than that, though, is that he also talked about intimate details of our relationship with her while continued to deny talking to her at all.

[penelope13]

I think the biggest difference between a close friendship with someone and a real emotional affair is the exclusiveness - the secrecy.

 

I agree with you: the need or want to keep the other person a secret would upset me the most. Also if the amount of time you spend with the other person exceeds the time you spend with your SO is an indication that there is a problem

[Ac143]

So if I (as a women) share my dreams and goals with one of my girlfriends, that is already bordering on emotional affair?

 

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that whatever you are sharing, the most intense should always be with your SO other regardless of what it is.

 

That is sometimes difficult to uphold. For example, I am very passionate about my profession, but have never dated someone in my field. Thus in this respect I necessarily share my dreams and goals with friends/ colleagues. Of course each of my SO knew that I am passionate about it.

 

 

You can speak of your dreams/goals etc with other people of course, I do. But there is a big difference when you start sharing your life goals & dreams with someone else of the opposite sex & the biggest smack in the face is when you hide this "friend" If you have to hide this other person, you know you are doing something wrong. I tell my SO about the things I talk about with my friends, co workers etc..

 

You know you are having an emotional affair when you start having feelings for this person that you should only have for your SO. It doesn't have to be a physical attraction, I much rather my SO (if he was going to cheat) to have sex with someone one time as opposed to constantly longing emotionally for someone else.

[topazeyes]

If you are in a "friendship" with someone and you talk to them and share with them things you don't with your wife or husband. As well as keep this friendship a secret from your wife or husband.

 

When you find out that's going on in your spouses life it is as devstating as a physical affair. I know from finding out about my husbands contact with a old girlfriend he has had on and off for years.

[maverick554]

I define an emotional affair as having discussion with a member of the opposite sex outside of your relationship that is flirty or inappropriate for someone in a commited relationship to be having. It still should be considered cheating even if there is no sexual contact, or even if they never even see each other. I think my ex was emotionally cheating on me, she swears to me that she never cheated on me, but I don't know if she factored emotional cheating into the equation. She was frequently talking to a guy on the internet who she used to have a non-commited sexual relationship with years ago when she was in college, and it seemed that the worse things got between us the more she was talking on the internet to him. So yeah it can definitley destroy a relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Emotional affairs are not friendship.

 

It is when someone forms a close emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex where they start putting all their 'love' feelings into that person rather than the spouse.

 

That may involve a lot of daydreaming about the other person and going thru 'what ifs' in their mind, thru confiding in that person intimate things they aren't even sharing with their own spouse, to hoping they can find a way to be together one day, to having tortured meetings where there is talk of love and stolen kisses and making out without actually having sex.

 

So it is basically a love affair without the literal sex. Usually if it goes on long enough, it does end in sex, or in leaving the spouse via separation or divorce in order to have sex with the other person without guilt.

[penelope13]

What about if you are daydreaming about someone else, yet you never are in contact with that person out of respect for your relationship?

[homeagain]

What about if you are daydreaming about someone else, yet you never are in contact with that person out of respect for your relationship?

 

 

why are you with your SO if you are daydreaming about being with someone else?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you have a passing lusty thought about someone else now and again, that is normal.

 

But if you are sitting around daydreaming about someone all the time, and have a lot of contact with them, that might lead to trouble.

[penelope13]

why are you with your SO if you are daydreaming about being with someone else?

 

Just to clarify, this is NOT about me and my SO, I just have never heard this term before coming to ENA and I want to understand what it means for most people.

 

In a long term relationship I can see that there might be times where you feel an attraction to someone else, but you decide, out of love to your SO, that you cut out that other person completely from your life, which is easier done than for your thoughts.

 

Thus I was interested to know it this would also be considered as an emotional affair or not.

[Humble]

I've been following here and have a question. If I discovered a secret Facebook page with talk between my wife and an "old friend" about divorcing me,( including details about my father-in-law paying the bill for the attorney,) do others see this as threatening or maybe an emotional affair? At the time she was chating with this person, she hadn't yet told me about how she was feeling. She quickly deleted that conversation and several others as well. There must be some level of intimacy for any discussion to become that personal....What do you think?

[homeagain]

I've been following here and have a question. If I discovered a secret Facebook page with talk between my wife and an "old friend" about divorcing me,( including details about my father-in-law paying the bill for the attorney,) do others see this as threatening or maybe an emotional affair? At the time she was chating with this person, she hadn't yet told me about how she was feeling. She quickly deleted that conversation and several others as well. There must be some level of intimacy for any discussion to become that personal....What do you think?

 

run -- don't walk -- to the best attorney that you can find. talk to them about your options, maybe put down a retainer fee. if you are not interested in a divorce, AFTER you consult the attorney, maybe consider bringing up counseling to your wife. good luck.