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Affair? WALK AWAY!

IMAbadman

By IMAbadman
in Infidelity

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coolbloke1978 Enthusiast

coolbloke1978

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I must say what an excellent post. The sad thing is I actually read it when I was having an affair with a guy that was already in a relationship but chose to ignore it. However thankfully a month down the line I asked him to chose and I got flimsy excuses about his health and how he could not chose right now but expected me to stick around. So I stupidly accepted the "friend" offer saying we could be friends and nothing would change. I thought about it and then said hang on you got away lightly so I yesterday took the advice on this forum and sent him the following text message:

 

Morning. Been thinking bout what we said last night about being friends. To be honest as much as you can kid yourself into being friends and pretend as though nothing happened, I cant and I refuse to get sucked into something I can essentially walk away from. Who was I kidding? We can never be friends. It’s gone too far down the line for that. That would make me lose my self respect and become your dirty little secret - everything I said I wouldn’t become. When I gave you the ultimatum it was all or nothing. You made your choice and that’s fine. Now I'm making mine and cutting my losses while I still can. Get well soon and all the best

 

I have received a response:

 

Well I suppose it is your decision and I can't say I blame you. Just so you know the few days we had together were very special to me and I will always be here for you. Take care xxx

 

How would this be interpreted? Gameplaying? Genuine?

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IMAbadman Contributor

IMAbadman

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Well I suppose it is your decision and I can't say I blame you. Just so you know the few days we had together were very special to me and I will always be here for you. Take care xxx

 

How would this be interpreted? Gameplaying? Genuine?

 

 

I interpreted that as he got what he wanted for a few days and doesn't blame you for leaving because he is not going to give you what you want.

 

Don't fool yourself for a minute. Where is he now? Yep, at home with his wife wife. That's where he's going to stay. The only thing he regrets is that he couldn't keep you dangling on the line longer feeding his ego and other needs that his wife doesn't. You deserve better. You are not option 2.0.

 

- John

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cathycan Newbie

cathycan

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I do appreciate all the honesty everyone has shared. It is good to know that I am not alone in such a situation - being in an affair, for over 3 years - oh not too stupid - and still not able to walk away. Really believe it's a soul mate thing and "when the time is right" . . . . what makes it oh so hard is that we work together and I can not afford to walk away from the job and the relationship. Single parent with almost grown sons. I am so drained from this and know what you all have posted is right - walk away . . . where does one get the strength when we've talked about what to do with our grandchildren, where we will have the wedding, looked at wedding bands, plans, plans, plans, talk, talk, talk and promises, promises, promises . . . it's really good to have stumbled on this space. Thanks for your words of wisdom!

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petite Rising Star

petite

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Few years ago just before my ex and I met there was a guy at my work who was good looking, had a great personality and all in all just fun to talk to and to be around. I never really liked getting involved with people at work so it was just friendship until he started telling me how I smell great, or how attractive I was, which of course would make anyone happy, but I just brushed it off simply because he was a work colleague.

 

Then the emails started coming, how was telling me how he felt about me, how he would like to get to know me. When I was on business in a different city we would talk on the phone but it was mostly during 9-6 and I got a little suspicious. I once asked him how is it that we never talk after hours", and he said well I don't think she would approve. I was completely in shock. He was married, however he didn't wear a wedding band and I never asked if he was in a relationship, simply because I thought that if thats how he is acting he must be single.

 

I kept my distance for a bit but then he started emailed me even more, but most of it just was based on friendship etc. I admit that I was attracted to him, looks and personality wise.

We were once talking about how people in marriage have affairs and he said that he was prepared to cheat on his wife with me, because "I drove him crazy", but that he doesn't think he could ever leave her.

I told him that I am not getting involved with a married man nor would I expect him to cheat on his wife.

He was quiet disappointed and would send me emails saying how he was having sex with her but thinking about me, or how he was masturbating and thinking about me, that's when I knew even our friendship had to stop. Regardless of how much I enjoyed our chats it just had to end. Mind you in the beginning we were just talking as friends and as two people getting to know each other. Even after I found out he was married it was still based on friendship but at times he would say how he gets turned on by seeing me and all kinds of other stuff. Even after i told him that our contact had to cool down and that I didn't feel right with what he was saying every once in a while he would send me dirty messages in the end I just walked up to him and told him to stop contacting me completely unless it was work. I just wasn't going to be one of those women to do that kind of stuff.

Ge said he was disappointed, but that he would always be available for me if I wanted to "do things". From then on I tried to ignore him as much as possible, and soon after that he moved to a different company to work for so we never saw each other again.

 

I just don't have it in me to ruin someones marriage or to contribute to having it ruined.

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IMAbadman Contributor

IMAbadman

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You do realize it's all empty promises and fluffy talk don't you? Wow, 3 years of your life... you could have been with someone who respects you and loves you, not you and his wife. You're a bigger woman than that, you deserve better. Bail out on the $hit heel.

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cathycan Newbie

cathycan

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You do realize it's all empty promises and fluffy talk don't you? Wow, 3 years of your life... you could have been with someone who respects you and loves you, not you and his wife. You're a bigger woman than that, you deserve better. Bail out on the $hit heel.

 

Fluffy talk . . . good one! I just got some of that yesterday. ". . . by the end of this month I'll be out". I am sure you heard it as well. I know I have and something always seems to come up. Since I work with him and have a fairly close connection to what is going on in his life, the things that have come up have been real and sometimes serious. (Oh, am I making excuses for him? My close friends would agree. They tell me he just has no b . . . s to do what he says he wants to do - true). He comes to my home, has been developing a relationship with my sons, has dinner, fixes things, paints, spends tons of time here, we go lots of places, do lots of things . . . all just to keep me stroking his ego? I am so on the fence with this. My youngest son graduates HS next week and he will be there with us, as he was last year with another son. He will probably come to the graduation party at the end of the month with my family and my ex-husband and inlaws. (Not the first time he has been part of a family event) So is he just really good at stringing me along, dragging all those around me into this dream world or does he really not have the nerve to take the walk? I know you would like to shake me I'm sure, but what's a few more weeks . . . . If you are a religious person, just pray for me. Maybe I'll be one of the 1%

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IMAbadman Contributor

IMAbadman

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I never took him as a freak, BECAUSE many people "fantasize" about others during sex or masturbation, but I just thought it wasn't a friendship I wanted to continue.

 

True... we all fantasize and I do think of others. I just never thought to share my personal intimate moments with someone.

 

I apologize if I offend you in making my above comment. I’m sorry.

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cathycan Newbie

cathycan

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I can't tell you more than I've said already. You read my post... I lived it. Do what you have to do. But protect your heart, oh and your kids too since they're now involved.

Thanks. I have read your post and it really has helped. Because I have so much time and energy invested in this relationship, I will see what happens in the next few weeks. I have tried a few times to walk away. Lots of pain. It would be so much easier if we did not work together - not just in the same building, or department, but work in administrative positions, planning programs together and such. If it were possible for me to find something else with two positions open like I have and with health benefits for all my sons and flexible hours and the options to work at home for one of the positions . . . dream on cathycan! It's not so easy to walk away from the relationship without walking away from the job! Anyway, thanks for the post and I am glad you learned and have shared your insights. I hope others will heed your words of warning. Funny though, someone my age writing out her sorrows and woes on a forum. But we are certainly never to old to learn any lesson - thanks.

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petite Rising Star

petite

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True... we all fantasize and I do think of others. I just never thought to share my personal intimate moments with someone.

 

I apologize if I offend you in making my above comment. I’m sorry.

 

Oh no, not at all. I was just stating my opinion, as you were. All good

 

 

IMO everyone does it, just that not many are willing to admit it.

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  • 3 months later...
markr154 Newbie

markr154

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That's a VERY insightful post I'maBadman ...full kudos to you for writing it.

 

Whilst I don't condone the situation you got yourself into (speaking from the side of a husband who has been cheated on) ...it certainly appears that you have learnt from your experience, and you are trying to help others who are contemplating affairs with married / attached people.

 

As you so rightly put, it is extremely rare for anything good to come out of an affair ...and the hurt for all concerned (especially the betrayed partner) is just not worth it.

 

If more people followed your advice ...there would be more people choosing to to WORK on their relationships before jumping into temptation elsewhere.

 

Looking at it from the point of view of the betrayed spouse ...I suppose I can take some comfort from knowing that my wife did not choose to actively END our marriage during / after her dalliance with an older, ugly work colleague ...because I think she knows deep down that as the man she met & married under the RIGHT circumstances, I am her best bet in life ...and that she has her own issues to work on.

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  • 5 months later...
  • 1 month later...
jahur Contributor

jahur

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read your post earlier, how the hell did you put that so eloquently???

this is all i have feared and by some bizarre twist of fate i found out tonight that my now ex had only told her suppossed ex to be that i was only a friend and a shoulder to cry on! i feel so used and really upset with myself, the flags were there i acknowledged them but kept them at bay in the vain hope that she would divorce and like a sucker i belived her when she said the marriage was over, she even told me had raped her.

 

that led me to believe that she was stand up!

 

is this the extent that some people will go to, to convince someone?????

 

your thread is just awesome, and it has made me realize that i was just a puppet on a string! even down to the last detail about waiting for the phone, she always used her kids as an excuse cos she couldnt get out!

 

i feel so hurt and used and that i was instrumental in all her devious doings!

 

why couldnt i have been a lot brighter in the beginning.

 

im so upset!

 

thanks alot imabadman for such wisdom and insight, god bless you!

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HenryZulueta Newbie

HenryZulueta

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Ruining a family is not worth any gratification you will ever have in having a relationship with a married man/woman. Statistics shows that juvenile deliquent youth can be attributed in broken homes. Try not to steal other's spouse, its very very dangerous and of course you will never know if you would be his last afterall.In both cases, you are the looser!

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