I am crushed, please, please help.

[SincerlyHurt]

My situation has been thoroughly explained in the "My Broken Heart" thread. Please refer to it first.

 

I got a letter from my ex tonight that stated, well I will just type it out for you: By the way, we live in Texas.

 

It goes: I know you have alot of unanswered questions that hopefully I will clear up for you now. I have had a great nine years with you. I would never want to change that part of my life. We have shared so many things together that I feel like I am losing too much. I always want to be a part of your life. I am so happy that you are still talking to me, but I feel that is temporary because you want me to come home. I hope that is not the case. I know that I love you and I always will but I feel we had alot of things missing from our relationship. It was my fault too. We treated each other like friends more than being in a relationship. We were hardly loving towards each other. I never wanted to have sex because we were not romantic or spontaneous with each other. On my part, I should have wanted to come home and cook for you and gave you a hug and kiss everyday. I felt I was always grouchy with you and i know that I did'nt want that for the rest of my life. We should'nt have to work towards being loving towards each other, it should be natural. You already know that I needed little things like massages and neck rubs and I hated even asking because I knew your answer would be no. I love affection but we did not separate affection and sex. Sometimes I just wanted you to hold me and not play with my boobs or grab on me. I just know how I want someone to treat me and we did'nt have that. This has been so hard for me, seeing you hurt, being alone, not having a home, not being with my pets, and the list goes on. I don't know what else to say but thank you for being a part of my life and loving me. You are such a great person and I wish I could take all of your pain away. Last night you asked me to tell you if I was talking to someone. Well I wanted to tell you this from me. When we went to New Orleans (a month ago or more), Saturday night at Cats Tabetha was hitting on a fireman. Anyway, we went to Razoos & Tabetha switched men & I was standing there talking to the fireman. He told me what he did & where he was from and I told him that I had a marketing project w/ burns & firemen and I was having trouble finding sources & he told me that he had some info that might help (web sites etc). If I needed them. Well after we broke up I called him to get the websites and we were just chatting and I told him what happened. I was just to the point I did'nt want to talk to anyone that would judge me on the situation. I have gotten so much crap from alot of people that do not even care about my happiness. Anyway, we have been talking on the phone and I wanted you to be aware of that. I don't want to feel like I have to keep my business a secret. I know you are probably panicking at this point and I don't want to make you feel that way. Probably questions you are going to ask me is where is he from? New York. Do you plan on seeing him? My answer is yes. I am not trying to shock you or hurt you. I enjoy talking to him on the phone and we have talked about visiting one another. What you do now is none of my business. Yes it will hurt me deeply when I see you with someone, but if you are happy and we are friends that is all I care about. I did'nt tell you this to hurt you, but I wanted you to know and not find out from anyone else but me. I did not break up with you because of him nor was I unfaithful to you. I hope that you will not feel uncomfortable around me or feel like you don't want anything to do with me. I want you to think long and hard before you call me and say something hateful that you can't take back. I am sorry that I am causing so much pain. I don't want that. My heart is not w/ our relationship, not because of someone else (has absolutely nothing to do with that) but because we were not happy and we lacked alot of things. No matter how you feel about me now I will always be here for you and I will always love you.

 

The end.

 

I got this tonight and read it and immediately went to her sisters house to give my rebuttal. I stated that things were not perfect. Our flaws were fundamental shortcomings that after the shock of all this can be fixed. I am not the same guy she knew when we broke up. I will no longer be detrimental in a relationship, I will strive to never feel this hurt again. I told her we could work it out and give it another try weeks, months down the road. I spilled my guts. Then I got tough and said well if this is it I need to space myself from you to heal. That means no sharing the dog, I cannot let her take him and canoodle with him when that is exactly what I want to be doing with her. She said well if you take the dog away from me it is gonna get ugly, he is like a child to me. My response was that he is a part of my household which she chose to leave. It would be awkward if I am with my next girlfriend and she is still coming around to pick up the dog. I guess our friendship is over now due to that. I basically cut all ties for now. At that point she went back inside, probably to cry about the dog.

 

Help me please. What on earth do I do now?

[reborn]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I wasn´t sure if to reply to you or not. I have been through breakups and they have been very tough on me, however nothing like the dimension of what you are describing. Living with someone for 9 years and sharing so much is like a lifetime. All my relationships together do not amount to all that, though im 30. Saying all this does not soothe your heart at all, I know. However, I felt heartbroken when I read your situation and just wanted to let you know that I would include you in my prayers.

Your situation sounds very complex SincerlyHurt, and honestly I do not know if anyone´s advice can be of help. A loss is a loss, there is no way to scape it, and it sounds extremely traumatic how this woman just pulled herself from yourlife. In my mind I see an image of a bloody mouth. Like there you are all relaxed and everyday normal and all of a sudden someone yanks out all your mollars, and you are like in shock and pain.

And though the situation is beyond painful, the girl is trying to be legal about it, being honest and fair to you. However, it makes it even a bit annoying I know, cause it will be less painful to blame her, to find faults in her.

I think this is a dark time in your life. However, we are all corageous inside, full of light, wisdom, and the self as part of nature has ways to heal it self. With time, and little by little you will find the strength to get through this. I think you must be in the shock stage still, it must feel very traumatizing to receive such a letter. I felt horrible just reading, and I have nothing to do with you.

Sorry, if it sounds like pity, this is not at all, it is just that I myself have suffered important losses in my life and can deeply emphasize.

SincerlyH, take good care of your self, be gentle with your self, have friends that you can talk to, write on this forum when you need to let it out, seek counceling if it becomes too much for you to handle. accept that you will go through mini hell now. However, know that as I said before we are all humans and as such equiped with the internal resources to get through this. As hard, an unique an experience that this is to you, it also happens to many others and they get through it.

I will say a prayer for you tonight, so that God, the Universe, whatever you believe in takes you in its gentle arms and soothes you.

Best to you,

Reborn

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Sorry for your loss....you will go through a period of grief. The feeling just come and not in any order. The feelings of loss, lonely feelings, regret, anger, frustration, bitterness, good memories, the things you never said, and wanted to say. It is like someone just all of a sudden cutting off an arm. you both lost something real special, each other. Some one told me, some people come into our lives and stay for a short time, some stay a little longer....but very few stay forever. it was your experience in your life. sounds like she is being honest (and that hurts) the key is to accept the fact that it is really over. When I broke up that was the hardest thing for me to do,and when I did things got a whole lot better real fast. Wish I could send you a pill to take away the pain, I drank for three months more than I ever did trying to kill the pain. It only confused my true feelings. I have moved on and you will to. Take it slow and do what feels right for you now. Some days in the beginning it was a chore just getting out of bed, and when I did not want to I just stayed in bed. The clock and Mr. time moves real slow when your healing. I found I learned a lot about myself and hope to become a better person some how from my experience. Kind of like what not to do again in the future. I met a new wonderful girl already and things are moving right along. And you will meet some one to. Don't wait for the phone to ring, put her stuff in a box and get it out of sight. You have a void to fill now doing new things. You have many good years ahead of you to look forward to. So dust yourself off and get back on the horse and get back in the game of life. We have all been where your at now, and it suck's for sure. but you will love again, maybe not today, but you will love again....that is a promise.

 

warm regards

8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

Kuhl

Breaking up is like taking off a Band-Aid...you can tear it off and get it over with...or you can tear it off real slow and feel the pain, your choice. Rip it off my hurting friend....it is time for you to move on down the road.

[Athena]

Hi S,H,

I'm so sorry for you hurting heart. As I was reading her letter to you, a few things went through my mind. First was that it's so sad to me that people will decide to tell why they are unhappy AFTER they leave. It seems to me that if you have two people who love and care about each other, that those things could have been worked out if she would have told you about them. The second thing that came to me was that I think you are fortunate that she told you exactly what the problem was. Granted sooner rather than later would have been better, but, I think it's good that she at least told you what the problems were. So often it seems that people get broken up with and walk away not knowing what the heck the problem was - it can be very frustrating. Third thing was that I thought she was doing OK.... up until she started going on about the new guy. I thought that was unnecessary information and still don't understand why she would have done that - that was very hurtful.

 

I'm not sure what you are looking for right now as far as what you should do from here. I think you have to go with the fact that she is gone, the relationhship is over, and you have got to IMMEDIATELY start thinking and doing what is right for YOU. I agree with you about the dog. She left - she is no longer entitled to time with the dog. Her doing that will be very difficult on you and I would not put yourself through that just so she does not have to suffer missing the dog. Tell her to get her own dog.

 

So what do you need right now?

 

-A

[SincerlyHurt]

Thank you for your responses, they are like a breath of fresh air.

 

Athena, the reason she told me about the new guy is because I asked her that we be honest with aech other, to not play those games.

 

Please, keep posting to me, I have been shook to mu core and I am hurting soo much.

[LastImpression]

I'm sorry that you realized to late but this is often the case.

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, the latest in my shock saga is as follows. Yesterday, upon the realization that we were indeed over I took the initiative to pack up the rest of her remaining things and take them to her sisters where she is staying, all while she is at work. I also found out that the guy from New York is coming in this weekend and they are going to spend some time together. Then in two weeks she is suppossed to fly up there for spring break. While I was there I put the following letter on her bed.

 

It read:

 

I know you are bitter about my preventing you from seeing Gabe. That is understandable and was expected. What you need to understand is that I need time alone, to myself, to identify who I am without an attachment to you. Knowing you are canoodling with Gabe kills me because that is where I want to be also, to be snuggling with the both of you, as a family. Time will tell how we handle the Gabe situation. But right now your demand of seeing him "or things will get ugly" is selfish and self-centered. Think of my needs too. I don't need to continue associating Gabe as "our" dog, how can he be ours when it is just me here. He is a part of my household, which you chose to walk out on. Please understand that I am not doing this to hurt you, I am doing it to heal myself. Call it the fast track method.

 

 

 

I am beginning to resent you for giving up on us the way you did. You gave me no inclination that you were thinking of breaking off our engagement and relationship. We had no huge problems, what we had were typical long-term relationship issues. Romanticism and spontaneity are things that have to be achieved sometimes. Yes, there would be times when they just happen like when we are in my truck and we can't keep our hands off each other, but at the time you left me we were in a silent mode treatment phase towards each other. The fact that you chose to throw in the towel silently instead of discussing our shortcomings says leagues about the person you are. I think you, by closing up on me and not communicating were fighting dirty with me, I had no chance to right the wrongs. Any relationship after that amount of time takes lots and lots of effort. Once the initial "new love" phase is over what else do you have but each other and the need to strive to make things work? Maybe you are not apt to work with someone and if everything is not to your liking you just give up and move on, some people are just like that and cannot be fixed. It is so sad that you decided to tell me you were unhappy after you left.

 

 

 

My plan now is to just get on with my life, to learn who I am as a person and to set out on a quest to find what will ultimately make me happy. My pain is only a temporary state. I am in this for the long haul and the extended future is much more important to me than the next few weeks or months or even years. I can stand to be sad for a short period to be happy for a long one. I see now that I possibly could not have kept you happy forever. If it were not the affection issues it would be something else with you. If this is the way you treat someone after all they have put into nine years, well, I feel sorry for myself and for you. I was lazy with myself as well as with the relationship, but that is no reason to just run out on me. You may be happy with someone else at first, as we were, but any relationship that anyone is in for the long haul has its ups and downs. I need a person that is not so sketchy, that will stand by me through the thick and thin. It kills me to see the girl I now look at when I so well remember the girl that I loved.

 

 

 

I will not hound you; I realize the end of the road is here. I will give you your space to mend. Please tell your family that I love them all and cannot even begin to illustrate how much I appreciate all that they did for me. You have an awesome family that I will miss being a part of for the rest of my life.

 

The end.

 

I, after leaving the letter figure I would not hear from her and was content with that. She started calling my cell phone at about 5 pm yesterday. I did not answer, she left no voicemail. About 10:30 last night she calls me again and I don't answer. She leaves me a voicemail stating "is this how you want our relationship to end, by you acting like a child and ignoring my calls". Well that got the best of me because as far as I was concerned it was clear that our relationship was already over. I called her back and we talked for 3-4 hours last night. She finally wanted to talk about our shortcomings and what we need to do to be happy. She also says she does not know exactly what she wants yet. I told her not to come back until she knows 100%. She is a lost soul, and is having a harder time than me apparently, even though she has a rebound coming into town. I am going to leave her be this weekend and let her spend this time with the other guy, we are broke up and if she has some wild oats to sow so be it. We got together when she was 16 years old, I was 18. I have been around the block more than I care to share, I have all the experiences I need to be contempt with my life, she does not. Time will tell what happens with us, next week after he has gone back will be interesting. For the time being I am going to continue trucking along as if it really is over, until I hear otherwise. This is going to be a very difficult weekend.

 

Please help me stay strong through this.

[Mr. Six]

SincerelyH, I'm in the same boat at the moment, although it hasn't been as long but the issue is complicated. I know we can beat this and we just have to have an iron will do so. We just have to fight past the pain and the BS that is clouding our view of the world. The pain tells us that there's something better on the horizon and we have to fight past this to get there. Be strong brother, and do all the things that you wanted to do when the relationship was such a drag in your life. Every relationship has a moment even at the best of times, where you ask yourself "Why am I with this person? Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this? Is there someone better?". Ofcourse you were content and you let it be mere fantasy, but it's real now and you have to grab the chance with both hands and hit the ground running.

 

Remember every moment that you asked yourself: "If I was only single!" and the things you wanted to do. Well you can do them now and you can be satisfied that there'll be no angry girlfriend to get on your case. Get the tattoos you wanted; go and eat and drink all the things you like that she hated; go take up the crazy sport that she stopped you from doing. It's time to rawk and roll man! Live life to the full.

 

I know it's not that easy, because I haven't done any of the things that I wanted to do "when I'm single". I know though that I will do them eventually and that there will be better times ahead where I can really enjoy myself. But There are no limits now, there is nothing to hold us back from having a blast every day of the next lifetime. Sure we can't have them, but we can have a lot of other great things.

[icut]

SH i really liked the letter you wrote to her it was inspiring to me.i am in deep pain at the moment also.our situations vary a litlle but have similarities.

 

i just want to say thank you for sharing part of your life with us all

 

 

Kenny

[SincerlyHurt]

Kenny, you are welcome.

 

This weekend is very tough. Knowing that she is shacked up with this other guy right now is heart wrenching. I found out today that she is taking him to meet her parents tomorrow. Her parents are at a loss over this, they are as devastated as me.

 

My thoughts are: why did she call me Thursday night to talk about reconciliation, to talk about the changes we need to make if she is just going to turn around and start a new life with someone else? we talked for nearly 3 1/2 hours. Is this a phase she is going through? Does she just need to live a little, we have been together since she was 16.

 

Ladies, please tell me what she is going through this weekend. She has already said she still loves me and has noted that she is a lost soul, confused. Is she comparing him to me? How can a long distance relationship really work over the long haul, if they continue this they will break the bank. Ticket to and from Houston and New York are not cheap. She is a student that cannot afford it so he is paying for it all. As bad as it sounds, maybe he will get his this weekend or next week during spring break and lose interest in paying for her to come back and forth.

 

Can she figure out in her heart what it is that she really want while she has his input at her side. I know she has our memories and she has a sense of how much I have changed and am willing to bring to the table, but she also has infatuation and flattery coming from him. Can our good years together compete with that? I know she is scared that if she comes back and things don't work out that we will have to go through this all again. How can I convince her if she brings up that topic that it is worth our time to give it a try?

 

Help me, this is a grueling weekend, she is in anothers arms.

[icut]

well today for me was getting up at 7 am getting the boys dressed going to my brother's having a coffee.then i went downtown with my boys,i live in a small town easy to walk anywhere but had no stroller for my 2 year old,it was at the wife's place.so i go there to get it pound on the door go and try and get the fan belt from the parts store cause she never answered, all i wanted was the stroller for my little guy.

 

no fan belt in damn hick town.so i go back to her place pound on the door she was out at the pub last night.my 5 year old tried to run into her apartment to go pee she grabbed him told him no you can't and said she had a couple of people their.i was like ok can i just have the stroller.her boy friends car was outside so guess who was one of the people their she did not want the boys to see.i got the stroller held my head up high shoulders back left her place whistling a cheery toon,and singing

 

Damn it felt great to hold my head high be in a good mood even though her boyfriend was there.i felt cofident within myself that i am a great person and i was quick to get the stroller and leave and not pry about anything.

 

i do truly hope things work out in your best intrest SH

[SincerlyHurt]

Thank you for your in depth response CragStar. Today after I typed my last post I got mt A$$ out the houser and took the dog to the beach, it is a beautiful day here. While I was at the beach my friends were trying to run me down. Now they are coming to get me and we are going to pop a few tops at the patio cafes. The best part of it is 3 of the friends that are coming are some of the hottest chicks you ever did see and when other women see me out with them it just sets them at ease. Other women see me with them and must assume that I am not a creep. So I am now learning to use my friends not only for support, but also for a boost. I feel pretty good right now.

 

Please, eveyone continue posting to me, I am sure to have a low later tonight after I come home and inevitably start wondering what "they" are doing. This place is truly been an inspiration. Thanks.

[Stingseed]

Hello

That's the best thing you can do get out of the house. Do thing to keep your mind of her. I too am going through the same thing. Girls tells me she cheated on me and then breaks it off. She is still seeing this guy but calls me to tell me she loves me still and is confused. At first it was very hard but Like I mentioned going out for no reason and doing things you always wanted to do is very good for you right now. One thing that might helped me out was a camping trip. Maybe something like this or a vactation would help. Also I did take my cell phone with and noticed she kept calling me might have been a bad idea on my par.(which you guessed I am giving her the no-contact treatment not answering her calls ) this no contact might be something you need to do to heal yourself. Please let me know if this helps?

[reborn]

Hello Sincerely,

Im just back to the office and read your follow up. Im very glad you wrote that letter to her. It seemed like a very honest letter in which you exposed your soul, you had no pretences, nor did you try to make her feel guilty, you were just sincere and I think that this done at the right time always leads to healing.

As painful and difficult an experience this is, it seems you are beginning to take your first steps towards healing, where ever those steps may take you. Take pride in your self and keep strong. You are taking the right attitude. I honestly have no clue how I would react in such a situation, but the letter you wrote was an example to us all. Thank you for sharing it. It was truly inspiring.

Keep walking, with your heart broken but with head up. I told you I didn´t have much to say to you as I have gone through painful breakups but nothing as intense a a 9 year relationship--a marriage really. Well, just so that you know, I did pray for you over the weekend, sending you lots of stregnth and all the best.

Rememeber you are not alone. We may not know you personally, but we are all here supporting your feelings and your heart. Please do keep us posted as to what is going on. And continue to go out and have fun with your friends.

-Reborn

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, the new guy flew back to New York last night so I kinda expected to hear from her last night or today, especially after we had a 4 hour talk on Thursday night about our problems. She sent me a simple e-mail today that requested directions on how to program her T.V. remote control and asked if she could keep the dog tomorrow night. That did it, I called her. I asked her if she found herself and it was almost like she had forgotten our long talk. Basically she is going to pursue this long distance relationship. She has always wanted to go to New York and now she has the trip paid for, she even admitted she is excited.

 

She told me that she did not want to string me along because she did not know what the future had in store. I asked her how they were going to sustain this long distance relationship and she said they had discussed it already but gave no details. She cannot afford $300 - $400 plane tickets so he would have to be shelling out alot of money to spend time together. He is a 31 year old firefighter. My hope is that after her spring break trip there they wont see each other for a while and that will give her time to miss me and also show her how hard a telephone relationship is. But until after spring break she will have her mind on him and going to New York no doubt.

 

In the mean time I am going to get on with my life, not pursue her, and hopefully get over her rather quickly, but I doubt it. I know we will be in touch because she has someone to possibly buy the engagement ring from me and she has already said that I cannot take the dog away from her. She already said she is making his usual peanut butter cake on the 30th for his birthday. I dont want her to hate me over the dog thing, but I also dont want her expecting to get him.

 

What the heck should I do about all this? How long does the new infatuation and flattery last, especially when it is 3000 miles away? I told her that if she ever came back she would have to be 100% sure in her heart and that then I would do whatever I could to nurture our love. If we got back together it would be like a new relationship, I am a totally different person with new outlooks on what love should be like in a relationship.

[SincerlyHurt]

Thanks CragStar again, and to everyone else looking out for me. It really helps to vent here, especially with people who are also grieving.

 

CragStar, I knew I was breaking the "no contact" rule, but after our 3 hour talk the other night about fixing our relationship I thought I would hear something like I found what I want, or I am still unsure, not something about a remote. I had to call, I needed an answer one way or another, which I already knew was no. I broke down and called her telling her I will always be here and that I have unconditional love for her, that there is nothing she can do to change that. I reiterated how I am now a different person, blah, blah, same ol' stuff. I am just glad she said go on with your life, dont wait on me. I actually am glad I broke the rule and called because now I have a true answer and I can go on without anticipating her coming back. I feel better already. That link to the no contact post I actually have printed out and carry around with me so I can read it from time to time. I guess it won't be much good now, I need to find an article about moving on. The no contact rule is on for me from now on though.

 

One more dilemma: She, in her e-mail a couple of hours ago stated that she always wanted me in her life, that she wants to be friends, and that I can still call her if I want to talk. I know right now I cannot be friends, but if in the future I was to be friends, would that kill any chance of rekindling our relationship. I do not want her to look at me as only a friend ever, I want all of her or nothing. But if the New York guy does not work out should I start off by first being her friend and see where it goes, or just wait and see if she comes back for romance? HMMMMM? Please advise.

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, I am applying the no contact rule as best I can. It is hard when I am driving, I am so used to just being able to pick up the phone and call her at anytime. Its all about the little adjustments I suppose.

 

Well, I had not heard from her since I last called her on Monday, except for an e-mail concerning the ring yesterday which I did not respond to. Right now the two of us would normally be sitting side by side in class for the next 3 hours but I have opted to skip class today.

 

She called about 30 minutes ago on my cell phone even though she assumes she will be seeing me in class. I did not answer, she left no voicemail. This is a usual time for her to call when we were together, but why is she still calling.

 

My outlook is to do no contact no matter what until after she gets the spring break New York trip over with. I know she is excited about seeing New York and there is probably no way she would cancel at this early stage of infatuation. I will probably see her when I get back to school tonight between classes. I have to remain positive and as if I am moving on fine without her.

 

Kind people give me strength as well as advice. Am I doing the right thing?

[drumrboy]

SincerlyHurt ~

 

I apologize for being a bit late to the discussion, but I read through your story and can relate very strongly to your situation as I, too, am dealing with someone that has ended things with me, but is wanting to remain friends, talk, even hang out as long as I can "handle" it just being as friends.

 

Going back a couple of postings, I wanted to say that I think that trying to remain friends is a very tricky line to walk. Most "wisdom" on this subject will say that the time is not right for friendship between the two of you. Right now your needs and wants are vastly different, and you trying to be friends with her is only going to make you immensely vulnerable to further pain. This happens from never getting the ONE response that could make you feel better - that she wants you back right now. As we all know from our experience, that is very improbable. For whatever reasons, she is doing whatever it is she feels she needs to do right now. But that's ok - because now is the time for you to do what YOU need to do: Heal. And the only way to begin healing is to stick to the type of plan you outlined in your courageous letter to her...to have no contact until there may come a time that she wants to give things a chance.

 

This isn't a time for you to guess at what she is thinking or doing in terms of this fireman guy - that will only drive you insane. You need to look out for YOU and deal with how you want/need to react to the situation. i've learned the hard way that i could spend entire days dreaming up scenarios, excuses and reasons why she is doing what she is doing to me, or what I could have done or not done. But the present scenario is that they have chosen to step away from us - maybe for good, maybe for right now. Either way, they are not with us, and the ONLY way we are going to feel better is to begin to take care of ourselves without regard to their feelings, dating scenarios, etc.

 

I know it must be hard sharing the dog, having classes together and what-not. But do what you can to stay strong with keeping the contact you must have as "fucntionable" as possible. Not talking about this other guy, not trying to re-convince her, etc. Know that by doing this, you will be guarding your heart and allowing your self to heal without constantly opening yourself up for rejection after rejection.

 

The last thing I want to touch on is your thoughts about being friends as the way to get her back -- because this is exactly what I am dealing with this very moment. I, too, was worried that, unless I was constantly there in front of her waving my arms saying "look at me! I've changed! Come back!" that she would only remember the past and never return. However, I have since begun to realize that this is only supporting the "push/pull" theory. The more we push, the more they want to pull....as in pull away. She made the decision to part ways. She is the ONLY person that can change her mind - we can't do it for them. And the more we try, the more they are just going to spend all their energy on fighting our advances and pressure.

 

thereforeeee, I am currently trying to take the following approach (and perhaps you should consider it, too, down the road): I am not going to try and be "friends" with her. I do not think of her as a friend. And any attempt to pretend will only cause me more sadness and trouble - and she will see through it anyway. However, if we were to spend time together in the future, my hope is that -- rather than using it as an opportunity to talk her into giving me another chance -- use it to show her that I am still the guy she fell in love with years ago with my ACTIONS!!! She is so guarded (and your girl may be, too) right now that NO amount of persuasive yap is going to change her mind. The only thing that will is the *concrete proof* that things may be different. And this has to come with the idea that you are rebuilding almose from scratch. Because right now, it's my guess that - when they consider "giving it another chance" - they think of it as going back to how it was when you broke up. So they need to SEE that things can be different, not just hear it. And I plan to never say "Hey, I'm going to try and show you this or that." Nor am I going to tell her that we arae going out as 'friends.' I am simply going to try and spend time together - with no titles. That will hopefully make it less pressure-filled. (NOTE: The reason I am considering this is because she told me that she is not looking to date other guys , and told me that she thought things might have been different if we wouldn't have encountered some "external challenges.) I know this may be a different scenario than you are facing, but maybe there are some nuggets of something in there to apply to your story.

 

ok, sorry if that was really long. But I can relate to your story, and you are helping me, too, by allowing me in on it.

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, let me update you all from yesterday and today.

 

Yesterday she began calling at her normal times like we were still together, I ignored the calls. I finally run into her in the hall at school, talk to her for a few minutes and then say I have to go study before the next class. Then 20 minutes later she texts me to say I f I want to go have dinner let her know. I do not. I then see her on the way to the next class and as I am about to walk up the stairs she wants a hug. I ask why and she says because I just want one.

 

Ok, schools out and I think I am done with her for the night. Then she calls just to chat at midnight, although I think it was just to see if I had gone out. I chat with her for about 10 minutes and then let her go.

 

Today she calls me at lunch time and we talk a little while and then I get off the phone with her. She then texts me that she can tell by my tone that i do not want to talk to her so she will stop calling. I text her back and say that when we talk I feel like I get mixed signals. So she calls back immediately and we talk for the next hour. She says with a little ogling from me that she does not know what the future holds. She still is not sure. This is a talk I figured we would not have til at least she gets back from New York. Anyway, I go on to tell her about how I've changed and Im having a pretty good time going out with my friends, etc. She sees the changes in me. After that spill we talk for another half hour or so just friendly and then she lets me go to get some work done.

 

Well in the past few hours I have come to the realization that i do not want to be her friend only, I want all of her or nothing. I composed the following e-mail and have it ready to send.

 

Is this e-mail a good idea, I have to send it tonight before she leaves for New York so she will have something concrete to think about while she is gone. Please advise.

 

The e-mail goes:

 

Since our lengthy talk today I have had a few hours to ponder the situation. I have come to some conclusions, I think.

 

I don't think that after 9 years (1/3 of my life) together that I will ever truly look at you as a friend. I will probably never accept you as a friend only, I want you romantically or not at all. I know we have been in contact regularly since we broke up but it's making it very hard for me to move on and get over you. We need to stop contacting each other on false pretexts. If you honestly miss our relationship and wonder what it could blossom into, feel free to get in touch with me and we can talk about it then.

 

Should I send this or not?

[drumrboy]

SH ~

 

I think your e-mail is great! In my very humble opinion, you are taking the absolutely ideal, healthy approach!

 

Although it will undoubtedly be painful to adhere to the "no contact thing," I think it is ultimately the best way to approach your healing process. It sounds like she's got a good amount of things to get straightened out for herself, too. This time away should serve to provide some much needed perspective and healing for both of you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[SincerlyHurt]

I don't think I am going to send it. She is about to be gone for 10 days to New York beginning tomorrow. I think I am just going to let her take what is currently in her head now and ponder that. We hung up on good terms today and over the week she is sure to miss me even though she will be with someone else. And also, I do not believe they have any plans as of yet (plane tickets, etc.) to see each other after she gets back so that will be where she can do some figuring on her own without anticipation of New York. I am just going to try to hold strong and be kind if she calls later tonight, leave her wanting more while she is in NYC.

 

I love this girl with all of my being and by the way she responds to me on the phone I think that if this NY guy was not in the picture she would have a clearer head and already may be back. I want her to see that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side and come back on her own. I am turning into a hopeless romantic by my realizations of all the things we could have been doing when we were bored at home watching T.V., and I have expressed this to her to put some wonder into her.

 

I think the e-mail is a no go, it almost feels as if it is an ultimatum.

[drumrboy]

Hi again, SH ~

 

Well, the "no contact" thing IS, in essense, an ulitmatum. But that should not have a negative connotation in this case. For you to have a healthy relationship with your gal, you both need to be on equal footing, and with an equal investment in working on the relationship. By sending that e-mail - or just asking for"no contact" - think of it less than an ulitmatum and more of a statement of what you can and cannot be expected to handle.

 

I am right there with you in not wanting to let go of the woman you love - even if it means destroying your sanity. But that is what I fear for ALL of us...losing our minds, our self-worth and any good chance of a healthy reconciliation where BOTH parties come to the middle and say "ok. I want this as much as you and we're in it together. Let's make it work."

 

But right now, SH -- and I say this for both you and I -- we are at a point where our girls are not on the same page as us. And until you lay some ground rules to protect your self-esteem, she will probably continue to push and pull you along with her own emotional turmoil.

 

give her this time to figure her stuff out -- and, more importantly, take this time to get your self healthy. If things are meant to work out, they will ONLY work out after your've allowed to separation to happen, allowed her to straighten her perspective out, and allowed yourself to get in a better state.

 

Otherwise....any reconciliation will be tainted with questions, guilt and potential resentment.

 

ok...again that got a bit long winded. I'm sorry...please take all of this with a grain of salt as I only know bits and pieces of your story. Hang in there, friend. We've all got each other and we truly are not alone.

[The Morrigan]

Let her go on her trip - and no matter HOW tempting, do NOT call her or email her on her return - the timing would be as if it was "pick me or him" and you know how most people react when they feel that's the case. She'd be bound and determined to feel like she had to defend him, even if things DIDN'T go well.

 

Don't give in to the urge to see how things went, or ask for information - in this case, I think an appearance of disinterest or neutral interest will serve you much better, if she's really to consider at all that the grass isn't greener, she can't see you as a safety net who will be waiting no matter how long it takes her to dither. You can't miss something if you don't really feel like you've lost it or might lose it, but still have it well in hand.

[SincerlyHurt]

So the name of the game now will be:

 

Confidence without arrogance.

 

Disinterest

 

and keep with "No Contact"

 

I am learning who I am, and I am not really having a rough go of it anymore. I think the starting over with someone else when I already had my whole life planned with this woman is what scares me so.

 

This week while she is gone will serve alot in the way of letting her go. I will not be anticipating her calls, etc, so I can go about my business as someone who is truly single. Im interested to see where that leads me.

 

I hope I can stay strong enough not to contact her if I dont hear from her when she gets back in ten days. Maybe by then I will despise her.

[SincerlyHurt]

Another 7 days before she gets back. It is hard not having her calling, this is sure to be a looong week. Time goes by sooo slow.