DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 n just borrow the money off someone else Don't do that. Check my pm - you may be able to find a cheaper way than by train. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Tricky one. I think he is being selfish with the way he is handling the situation so flippantly. DN has a point but it wouldn't hurt him to travel in the car like it was originally planned so that you can go too. I just see it as a favour he could do for you. If I was in the same position and I would drive a BF in the car even if I could get there for free. Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 well.. i haven't heard from him now in 9 hours and he always texts me or rings me during the day. feel like i am going through NC ... at the moment i am still angry coz al this is just making me think of other things he has done to upset me ..so it's keeping me from feeling that upset about him not bothering with me all day... don't know how i will feel in the morning though and if he doesn't bother with me all of 2moro either. i just know that i am sick of being the one to always run to him to make peace and it was me who text him last anyway and never got a reply Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I can see what DN means and he has some valid point in saying that your boyfriend doesnt have to do that I wouldn't be so mad but I would be VERY dissapointed.. He agreed to this, it was HIS responsibility to understand what it is he is agreeing to, you in no way "tricked" him, if someone fails to look/ask about the whereabouts of the place he is agreeing to go to and is filling forms for it that is due to their own negligence/stupidity IMO the whole money thing aside..he knows how much you want to go to this and that if he doesnt go with you, you have no other way of getting there because you were relying on his word and he is pretty much thinking "too bad" I can see both points of view from dn myself and your post. In the real world I feel that we are right. The boyfriend did go back on his word in the first place. Regardless of the facts not apparent in the beggining he said he will take her. He had committed to doing so regardless of his realisation after. He is bound to do what was said because it was relied upon by this lady. If we are going to make commitments on which others rely then we must honour those commitments because we have technically given our word. A man is only good as his word regardless of his loss. I was trying to be diplomatic last reply but was at the end of a huge day when i replied. No doubt based on what I can see that he is the selfish one. I have to respectfully disagree on Dn s point on these grounds. The money as i said in my last post is irrelevant. T Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Well, it's fine to be cavalier with other people's money - the point is that it seems relevant to him. And that is an issue but is much more a symptom than a cause of the problems of this relationship. The main problem as I see it is that this relationship is seriously out of balance. I don't see much love going on here - I see behaviours that are more about what affects two individuals and what they want rather than a couple working together for their mutual advantage. I see issues about money because one person has more than the other. I see issues about a man worried that he is going to be supporting a single mother and her child because the mother doesn't work outside the home and therefore if he assists in any way financially and they move in together he is going to undertake financial responsibilities that could be enforced by the court - and co-habitation would mean a loss of some of her benefits. I see a man who is probably used to being looked after by his mother and is not willing to give that comfort zone up for what he sees as a precarious and uncertain future. He is used to getting his own way, he is used to being spoiled and only thinking of himself. He probably needs a mother-substitute in his partner and needs to depend on her rather than have her depend on him. He is only prepared to have a relationship on his terms. I see a woman who wants a man she can depend on but who needs to learn to depend on herself first. Because in this world the only person you can entirely depend on is yourself - even if an SO is the most faithful, supportive person in the world, fate can intervene to remove them from their partner. And this guy just isn't dependable anyway. I see a woman who needs to look deep within to make sure she is being entirely honest with herself about what she wants and why she wants it. You owe yourself the truth. The twelve pounds or so isn't the major issue here - the major issue is how she wants to spend the rest of her life and who she wants to spend it with. I see a thread where few people are seeing beyond an immediate, transient and essentially trivial argument that is masking a relationship that is unhealthy, unworkable and bad for the OP in its present form. Useful concern for the OP demands that these things be said - because support is more than validation. Support is looking to someone's best interests in the long- term. Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 hmm i disagree with you about what you said about moving in together and he is worried about having to support us. we have already agreed that we wont even think about moving together till i am sorted with money and have a higher income. so i know that isn't a problem in his mind and i know he wouldn't move in until things are bette rfor me anyway. though i do agree with most of the other stuff you said there Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 hmm i disagree with you about what you said about moving in together and he is worried about having to support us. we have already agreed that we wont even think about moving together till i am sorted with money and have a higher income. so i know that isn't a problem in his mind and i know he wouldn't move in until things are bette rfor me anyway. though i do agree with most of the other stuff you said thereI take your point. But what would be his reaction if you were to be together for a year and then things took a downturn for you financially - we have already seen what a precarious financial state the world is in right now and how lives can be changed with one lay-off notice. Would he step up to the plate and support you and your daughter until you were OK again? - he doesn't seem the sort of guy who would from what you have said about him today and in other threads. If he isn't willing to give up a free train ride for you - what would he do in a real emergency? Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 well we have been together for 4 years so far (on and off but 99% of the time on) and he hasn't left me yet although he is always saying he is going to end it and does do it sometimes but comes back a couple of days later. i have already gone through some pretty crap financial times and no he doesn't support me financially through those times really .. he may give me the odd 20quid here n there as he sees fit and he did give me 100quid at xmas coz he got a 2grand xmas bonus ..... but yea if things are crap then it's not really his problem is it and i never ever ask him to give me money for anything... if he offers and i desperatly need the help then i will accept his offer but i never ask for anything and i think after this i am nevr going to even bother mentioning anythin to him again about money worries and i deff wont rely on him for anything again coz i know how easily he can break the arrangment. his mum would go beserk if he he stared supporting me financially ..she went mental coz he lent me 200quid to get a new carpet and its taken me 3 months to get round to paying him back .. she sais i am sly and am very clever and at one stage she even managed to poison his mind and he was starting to wonder if it is true and i really am that clever that i would borrow money with no intention of ever paying it back. the last thing am is a liar or thief .. lol the stupid b***c.. she dont even know me or want to know me but makes judgments on things she dont even know f-all about .. grrr i hate her so much more then anything. GRR i am so angry n upset.. i have had a massive knot in my stomach n felt sick all day long and it's not going for anything. i am gonna go bed in a minute coz i can't stand to be awake any longer... havent heard from him since around 10am this morning and it's 9pm now.. he has no intention of contacting me today to see how i am or how my day has been and i know he wont bother with me 2moro either unless i chase him. GRRR I AM SO SICK OF THIS I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO TURN CRAZY IN A MIN. Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 oh and another thing .. i know he does like the security of living with mummy and i dont think he plans on moving out at all for at least another year or 2. he is such a mummys boy... he laughed when i said that though and apparently she did aswell when he went back n told her i said that Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 i have thought about him all day long since he stopped contacting me and what nakes me even more angry is that i know he prob out with friends smoking weed and playing poker and not even having a second thought about me. i have such a headache from thinking of him this much ... i need to go to bed before i go crazy.. my brain is frazzled big time. i actualyl feel so sick.. i think i am losing control. i shouldnt have come on here n talked about him so much coz the more i talk about him the more i think about him n the more my mind is going crazy thinkin n thinkin n thinkin n thinkin n thinkin... AHHHHHH Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 is that i know he prob out with friends smoking weed and playing poker and not even having a second thought about me. And this is a guy you are in a relationship with? Look - a relationship is all about balance. Can you honestly say that anything about this relationship is balanced? More importantly - can you say that it ever would be? Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 i actualyl feel so sick.. i think i am losing control. i shouldnt have come on here n talked about him so much coz the more i talk about him the more i think about him n the more my mind is going crazy thinkin n thinkin n thinkin n thinkin n thinkin... AHHHHHH That is becausse you are thinking in circles. Stop doing that it won't help you. Start thinking things through. Use your reasoning powers and not your emotions because your emotions aren't serving you right now. Have some warm milk, make a decision to think things through rationaly tomorrow step by step, and get some sleep. You can't make good decisions when tired and emotional. PM me tomorrow if you like - you can get through this with some help. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 yea do think he loves a bit of power and control though ... like sometimes when he knows i am particularly skint he will say that if i give him a really filthy bj or let him do anal then he will give me 10 pounds. he sais it in a jokey sort of way but i know that if i said yes then he would do it. Sorry... I'm pretty stuck on this at the moment... wow, talk about messed up and unhealthy. Just, wow. I'm amazed. Link to comment
DN Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Sorry... I'm pretty stuck on this at the moment... wow, talk about messed up and unhealthy. Just, wow. I'm amazed. Yep - this guy is just a walking sweetheart. Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 maybe i should say that for 30 he can have both next time. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. i am feeling a bit better now... i used nlp (funnily enough) to sort myself out a bit. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 maybe i should say that for 30 he can have both next time. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Oh heavens!! Haha, I would LOVE to see the look on his face, especially if you played it straight to see what he would do. As a joke, of course. i am feeling a bit better now... i used nlp (funnily enough) to sort myself out a bit. Glad to hear Link to comment
thejigsup Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Since this guy gets off on power trips (the money has very little to do with this) why don't you get another job and make a little more money? I'm a single mother and when my son was young, I had as many as three jobs and went to school. He grew up fine and saw the true meaning of self-reliance. My son respects my drive and the way I was independent. When you need nothing from your bf, his games will no longer be fun and he may just start treating you right! Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 im not going to be able to go and work more then i am right now ... i already do bits and bobs of work but i am soon going to be going into an intense therapy group to sort out my messed up head which will be 3 times a week for a year and a half.. as well as that i will be starting college aswell so am going to have far too much on then i can handle as it is and i don't want to take on more then i can cope with and then end up dropping 1 or 2 of them if the pressure gets too much. i haven't heard anything from him in nearly 24 hours now ... i wonder how long he will keep this up. obviously if he thinks it's me who is in the wrong and i really am a selfish wench then he will prob be waiting for me to contact him. well we have a long weekend away by the sea booked up for next weekend for my daugthers birthday so i hope he gets in contact before then and doesn't let me down about that... i am sure he would not do that to my daughter.. if it was just me that would be a different story though Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 well we are past the 24 hour mark now and still no contact... he would have usualy text me on the way to work to say good morning so i know he playing the game of .. not contacting me because he truly beleives it's me who is in the wrong so waiting for me to make the first move to saying sorry or whatever. i wonder how long this could go on for. really dont fancy spending this weekend alone but at the same time it's always me who goes running to him to patch things up. makes me feel that i am not worth him doing a bit of chasing once in a while. surely if he could jsut leave it for days n days without contacting me it means that he doesn't really care at all coz if he did he would want to know if i am ok and how i am doing etc.... or could you say that about me aswell coz i am trying not to contact him... but it's always me though Link to comment
d24 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 pretty petty but it's probably him consciously or subconsciously punnishing you. This guy really needs to grow up. Thing is, I'd normally say "whatever you do, don't be the one who contacts him first" but I have a feeling that he's so proud and stubborn that if that were to happen we'll see a post from you in a week or so saying "we've split up". Try to engineer a chance encounter, and then tell him how upset you've been that he's made no effort to contact you. Be prepared for the BS answers of 'no reception on phone', no time, no battery... etc.... just accept he's going to give you a crap answer and let it go. (cos you and i know the reason he didnt contact is because he's an immature jerk). then (or even before).... have a serious think and a serious chat about what it was you want/need/expect from eachother. Good luck Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 i would love to know how long he would actually leave it ... half of me wants to try n leave it for as long as i can to see how long he could actualyl go without having any contact and the other half can't be bothered with waiting around and wasting time of my life with it on hold until he bothers with me. i may just see how long i can wait it out until i really can't stand it any more.... i have a feeling that this weekend is going to be a long, lonely one. my mum is in australia at the mo so can't do any babysitting for me so i can go out with friends one evening Link to comment
karvala Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I don't really like the holding out and waiting approach generally, but in this case I think it's now imperative to do that, in order to start and turn around the dynamic in your relationship. This guy behaves very disrespectfully towards you as a matter of course at present, because he knows that you will always come running back. Really, he's loving his life at the moment, where he has plenty of money and plenty of support, from both you and his family, and he seems to give absolutely nothing back (not just financially, but in any sense). He's the living embodiment of "I'm alright, Jack". Until you can make that policy stop working for him, he will continue with that approach I imagine. Don't go running back this time; make a resolution to hold out no matter what this time, and keep yourself occupied with other things so that you don't need to think about him. Read a good novel, watch your favourite movies, invite friends over (if you can't get a babysitter), have as a good a time as you possibly can, safe in the knowledge that every minute that passes strengthens your position. Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 yea i see what you are saying... i am gonna try my hardest .. though it's starting to get harder now and i keep checking my phone. i know alot of people when they have had an argument or a few angry words need a day or so to calm down.... how long would you say is long enough before it shows that that person really doesn't give a crap?? Link to comment
cheekychic Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 LOL he just text me.... omg i am in severe shock. it sais.. i'd like it if we could stop this no talking business, you ok?? x x x i don't know what to say to that... i guess the nlp course thing is not going to be mentiond again. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 i'd like it if we could stop this no talking business, you ok?? x x x I think he thinks you're playing a game and giving him the silent treatment? Link to comment
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