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I'm the one with the fiance who cheated with his married boss, got back with me and agreed to counseling only to go back to her and marry her. Anyway, it's been 3 years and I'm back on my feet but I'm very prone to huge setbacks. Like absolute hatred for him, wishing him the worst to outright depression and frustration with myself for ever letting him break my heart,not once, but twice! Sad thing is, I'm not young (45) so I should have know better.

Well, lately I've been thinking how I would act if I ever ran into them. I know I wouldn't make a scene but I know that he would probably come up and talk to me since we shared 9 years together and that's the type of idiot he is...always keeping in touch with exes.

I just wonder what would be the proper way to handle him? I'm thinking if I were nice he would think he doesn't have any hold on me emotionally but on the othe hand I despise him so much that I don't know if I could pull that of. What would you guys do? If it happened (hoping it does not) how would you behave to him or both of them?

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I know that it is hard, but for your own emotional health, you need to let go of the anger and hatred towards him as it is not serving you well. It is your holding on to it that is causing the continued emotional flux. Yes it is a hard thing to do, but I honestly believe that it is your way forward.

 

Get excited about what you have now, not what has occurred to you in the past, not what he has done or how you would feel if...

 

Trying to plan out how to act when you see him is firmly set into a negative lifestyle. What does it matter? Just try and be happy in yourself and let go of the past, then if you do run into him, you are not trying to 'act' someway while feeling different on the inside. If you run into him and you are already genuinely happy about life, then that is how you will come accross.

 

Wondering what he will think, how you should act, how to impress him or in some way emotionally manipulate him is working against yourself. While you are doing it, you aren't moving on, which means you are just going around in circles getting nowhere.

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Wow, I wish I could be that strong. There isn't any part of me that feels like laughing. They have caused me hell. Maybe it's my age. I think if I were younger I would think I think it would be better. Not that it doesn't hurt but life feels a lot different now. My chances of meeting someone new at my age aren't nearly as good as they use to be. I know it's not impossible but his betrayal has really damaged me in some way deep down inside. I don't know maybe a bad ego blow. I just feel like my self esteem and my confidence have been shattered. Even after all this time. I mean I still function go out and enjoy myself but it's been tough on a deeper level. Anyway, thanks for your reply. I commend your courage. That had to be tough since most office waiting areas are not real big. Keep holding your head high....thanks again.

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It's been 3 years. By thinking this and bringing to the forum indicates your still VERY Bitter and haven't moved forward.

Get some Councilling for this.

 

Now What do you do. SMILE! The biggest, cheesiest smile you can muster. Anything less shows your not over it. (It will drive him nuts that your happy without him). Think about it.

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Thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right. In my head, I know that but all that talk about moving on and forgiveness are easier said than done. I am trying to move on and not hold onto the hurt because it is self-limiting. For the most part, I do okay but I still have major set backs like the one I'm experiencing today. Most days I feel empowered but there is always that downward spiral that's related to this event in my life. My point is your always taking 2 steps up and 3 steps back. Really, until you experience something like this I'm not sure anyone can appreciate how truly devasting this can be to your spirit and sense of self. I do want to thank you because you have given me great advice. My only hope is that I can follow it in the future. Thanks again.

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but his betrayal has really damaged me in some way deep down inside. I don't know maybe a bad ego blow. I just feel like my self esteem and my confidence have been shattered. Even after all this time.

 

This is the part I am referring to... you are holding on to this and all it is doing is serving to make it worse. stop telling yourself that the break up has damaged you and that your self esteem and confidence is shattered. The more you tell yourself this, the more you will be that way, because this is what you believe.

 

Work to stopping these thoughts. Tell yourself that you are confident and your self esteem is high. Tell yourself that over and over and over again until you believe it. If you find yourself trying to dispel your belief in it, say no, I am confident and tell yourself again. Tell everyone, think it, believe it. I know 65 year olds that have met someone because they think they can, not because they think they can't.

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9 years is a long time to spend with someone only to have them cheat with a married woman and then go back to her and marry her. It is understandable that you are still hurting...not because of losing "a wonderful guy" but because of the betrayal...having someone pull the rug out from under you like that. I am not a big believer in the notion of "you have to forgive in order to heal and move on". Some things are just unforgiveable and this is one of them. However, just because it is not possible to forgive, doesn't mean you have to hold on to the anger...it is possible to free yourself from the anger without forgiving by focusing on your own life and realizing what a slime the other person is and how much better off you actually are without them in your life. When you get into the angry/bitter mood stop yourself from continuing down the road and shift your mind to your own life. Yes, it is harder to meet someone as you get older..but not impossible...and even if you don't meet someone, far better for you to be single than to be with a cheater.

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Crazy about Dgs,

 

Thanks so much for understaning how I feel. Reading the other posts have almost made me stop posting here. It's not that I still want him back by any means. Anyone that has wounded me this badly doesn't deserve anything from me. I'm just tired of people telling me to forgive him and move on. I find it so interesting that people who have never gone through something like this telling me when it's time to move on. There are people who are devasted after a break up wth someone they have dated for six months. I spent a long time with this person and we have a lot of history. I was going to marry this person so this has not been an easy thing to get past. I do agree I have to move on and

I badly want to it's just easier said than done. Thanks for your supportive reply. If it weren't for you, I'm not sure I would post here any longer. Lately, it seems the readers are more here to judge than to lend an encouraging word. Thanks again.

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I can so relate to how you feel. If you feel like go read some of my post from the past...year. I stopped wishing her unwell but still wonder what will happen when she stops seeing married old rich guy and has her own horrible grief reaction, midlife crisis and broken heart. I DO want that to happen just so there is balance in the world. But I do want to go on living well, at 48, I want a great relationship, that does not start with anyone cheating, great sex and communication and fun.

 

I will have this, but not with the woman I love.

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Should You Forgive a Cheater (Serio...
Should You Forgive a Cheater (Seriously!?)

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