Does one little call destroy the "No contact"

[Prestin]

I am at nine days of „no contact" now, and I am wondering whether I should call my ex. My problem with the „no contact" is that I want to know if she is missing me at all. If she would not miss me, it would be final, and I could go on with my life (I am doing that already, but at a too slow speed). I would like to call her just for a few minutes. I would keep the conversation very casual (I'm quite good at this, if I have to), and it would be just an extended version of „how is it going?". I could enter another no contact phase after that. And if I had the impression that she did not miss me at all, it would be more easy for me to forget her completely.

 

Just a little background to my story. My g/f left me after 7 months. In the first months we were on both sides extremely enthusiastic, calling each other and texting, emailing all the time. We were living in different towns, separated by about 4 hours, so we could not see each only on the weekends. But when we did, we had a great time together. Things started to crumble after about half a year, during Christmas time. She went to her hometown for four weeks, and I suggested to visit her for a few days there so that we could see each other at least once during this „long" time (I think that this kind of needyness drove her away from me). There were many moments in this Chrismas holiday when she behaved cold towards me. I was quite affected by her lack of enthusiasm, and unfortunately I did the mistake of giving her even more love and attention. There were some moments when I also retreated, and during these moments she showed in fact revived enthusiasm. Unfortunately, at this time I was too involved to realize that this was actually the way to go. Overall I was giving her ever more attention in the following weeks, until it was too late.

 

Anyway, four weeks ago she broke up with me . The very moment she told me on the phone I was neither begging nor pleading, but I said that I would not want to be „just friends", the reason being that I feel too much for her (she said that she would like to stay friends with me). Her reason for the break up was that her feelings for me were getting weaker and she would rather want to stop now than going on unmotivated (as she must have done since Christmas).

 

We had three contacts since the break-up. The first contact was when I called her four days later. It was really just a very casual call. She was very enthusiastic when I called her, and it seemed that she was not completely over me (she said things like, she had been thinking about me a lot, and made some other indications that she had been missing me, although she did not state it explicitely). I was quite encouraged. Five days later I met her, which was unavoidable, as I had a business visit in the company she worked at. We went for dinner with some other colleagues and I did not have a chance to talk to her privately. But I set up a date with her for the next day, when I was about to leave to my town. Then I made another mistake , because I was starting to talk about our relationship and what I thought what had been going wrong. She completely blocked me off at this moment. I instantly realized my mistake, switched topics and we had nicer discussion after that. So when I left an hour later, the situation was relaxed again.

 

The next contact was more than a week later. I knew she was traveling for some days and I called her two days after she was coming back. It was a short and relaxed call, just catching up on recent events. I was the one ending the conversation after about 20 min. She seemed to want to continue, starting two times with new topics when I was already starting to wish her a nice evening...

 

Since then I have been in non-contact for nine days. She has not tried to contact me. I am not sure if she ever will, since I was excluding the „just friends" situation at the moment of the break up. Maybe now she thinks that if she would call me, I would instantly think that she wants me back. Maybe this puts too much pressure on her.

 

So my question is: would a little call, just some five or ten minutes of chit chat (to check the situation) destroy the whole effect of the no contact strategy? Do I really have to wait for her to initiate contact?

[luckystar]

yes...one phone call means you must start all over again

 

sorry to burst your bubble....but i believe it to be true

 

i am on day 63 right now.....of not initiating contact....

 

i have gotten 8 emails from her....the last one being a week ago today... and have gone to lunch with her 10 days ago at her request.....but i have never once initiated contact.....

 

i will be however initiating for the first time this thursday if i dont hear from her this week......the pressure is off now...the neediness i showed around christmas has been diminished so much that she asked me to a second lunch that she wants to pay for......i know she is missing me right now and is waiting for me to make a move.....

 

every situation is different, but me breaking the no contact later this week is okay in my circumstance because:

 

1. enough time has elapsed....this is a major factor

2.she has shown interest in me quite a bit....by asking me out twice and sending eight emails...

3. we did not talk about the relationship once in any email or the lunch meeting and we wont unless she brings it up

4. i played it cool in all of the emails and lunch and now she is the one doing a little chasing .....she WANTS me to make the next move...but i am going to give her a few more days and see if she breaks down and does it first....if not, i'll do it later this week....

[Athena]

I think it is safe to assume she misses you - it's takes a while for even the breaker-upper to get past feelings of missing the other person. Just keep in mind that just because she has those feelings of missing you, the relationship, doesn't mean she wants to get back together - that's you're missing feeling talking.

 

Listen to what she is saying when she is saying nothing - there is alot to hear.

 

-A

[Daedalus]

Do yourself a favour.....don't call. You can be rest assured that she misses you. It is a natural feeling, however to be brutally honest, and I have had to accept this myself, she may not miss you in the way you want her too, but I guarantee part of her misses you in a way.

I've only gotten half as far as luckystar in that I am on Day 30 of No Contact. Has it been hard?...hell yeah. I have had good days and bad, but the good days have outnumbered the bad by like 8 to 1. I have shown incredible personal strength in not calling her, and I feel stronger and more confident in myself for it. When I get in a down mood and want to talk to her, I call one of my other close friends and shoot the $hit. I have some great friends who care about me and have done so much to keep me busy. I unfortunately have had to e-mail her, but I kept it short, bussiness like with no emotion. I didn't consider this breaking the No Contact rule as it was necessary and it didn't mess with my progress at all.

What I have done to keep myself from not calling her and thinking about her is what everyone else on here preaches. Keep busy and stay active. You need to concentrate on yourself and build up your confidence again. This has worked so well for me. I started working out in September and was making some good gains in the Gym. Since we broke up in Mid January I stepped up my efforts and have increased my strength at a surprising rate and am noticing the gains in size more so than ever. My confidence is up so much now. I have bought new clothes that show off my progress and almost all my female friends compliment me on how good I look. I go to clubs now with my friends and I get checked out by almost every woman in the bar now. This never used to happen to me before and it feels great.

Anyway, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, all I'm saying is take care of yourself and do whatever you can to take your mind off her so you don't break down and call. It will be hard. Hell, I remember Day 9, it was hard, but now 3 weeks after that phase I don't even feel the need to call her. She calls me sometimes but I keep the conversation short. If she leaves a message, I don't call back. She actually called me Yesterday morning and left a message. I'm not sure, but I think either she was going to cry, or had been crying. She has also asked some of our mutual friends how I have been and if I had gone with them on a snowboard trip to a resort that she and I were suppose to attend together. In short, she misses me, if not, she wouldn't be inquiring about me. Will your Ex miss you? Well if you carry on with No Contact, damn straight she will. Another thing, before I forget it as I tend to ramble on, is DO NOT READ INTO ANYTHING. This will set you back. Unless she straight out tells you that she misses you and wants to try it again, don't fool yourself into thinking that any sign of contact means things will go back to the way they were.

Good Luck Prestin. In the words of Rob Schneider as the Cajun redneck in The Waterboy.... "YOU CAN DO IT!"

 

luckystar... congrats on your strong resolve. I gathered some of my strength from reading your posts a month ago, as well as Michael2, Emma and others. Everyone here has helped eachother out selflessly, offering advice and praise. These forums rock.

 

Sorry for ramblin on.....

[Prestin]

Thanks for all your encouraging replies luckystar, Athena and Daedalus. I am sure I can hold the no contact for a longer time. Next weekend for example I am travelling and meeting some old friends. Should be a nice distraction..

 

However the reason why I thought of calling her was not (so much) my needyness, but more that I could improve my chances. O.k. on the one hand its the classical situation: she broke up with me and I should have her calling me first. But at the moment she broke up with me I repeatedly said to her, that I could never ever imagine being „just friends" with her. I told her if she leaves me, then thats it. No way back.

 

I know now that it was foolish to set such an ultimatum. And of course it was just the desperation itself that made me saying this. I cannot read her mind, but I imagine that this may not leave her the option to initiate casual contact with me.

 

I think that when the person who dumped you contacts you after some „no contact" phase, it is in the beginning in a „just-friends" manner. Everything is open. Just as if you have just met somebody new.

 

What I thought I could achive with such a short casual call was to tell her (between the lines): I am doing fine, I can hear your voice without falling into desperation. I would definitely keep the call very short, not more than the eight minutes, as suggested in this forum (for the case the ex calls). There are plenty ways to achieve a short call, even when you initiated it (e.g. a ringing door bell).

 

Another complication in my case compared to the normal no contact situation is the long distance between us (four hours driving). This means that she will not know by other means what a great time I am having without her. If you live in the same town and bump into each other once in a while this is much more easy. They can see if you are having fun, flirting with other women etc.... In the long distance situation however, the only way the dumper might – indirectly - infer what a great time you are having is by no message.

 

Any other opinions on the „complete closure by the dumpee"- and „long distance relationship"- variation of the NoContactRule? Do these variations make any difference?

 

Thanks for your support so far! I'll definitely not get weak for now with the NC... 8)

[britgirl]

Hi guys

 

Need a bit of help here with the "rules" of this thing. I can see all your posts to each other about the no contact thing.

 

But I can't seem to find out what the actual rules are......I see you talking about keeping the contact light and brief IF the ex calls, etc.

 

Can somebody please point me in the right direction?

 

Thanks

Britgirl on day 10

 

[The Morrigan]

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and

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Those should give you a nice start on some basics.

 

Also try

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for some examples to help you along.

 

I know, it's a lot of reading!!!

[emma]

Daedalus's post is of great advise and support (Daedalus, you've achieved so much in terms of healing in a couple of weeks! Congrats! Same for Luckystar, amazing discipline!), and of course the Morrigan's posts are as good as always... I seriously don't know how you manage to give the best advise always!

 

Anyway, I would suggest to you to follow those advise, to stick to them exactly, not to try to give yourself excuses for breaking the no contact rule here and there. I did this before, and when we do this ('oh, I'll call her/him but I'll keep it short... in my case I need to do it because such or such, it's a bit different than for other people...Etc'), we only lie to ourselves.

 

Be strong, stick to the no contact rule day after day... It works!

[britgirl]

Thanks Guys

 

It has all become clearer now................LOTS of reading but so very interesting.............I know it's hard to make comparisons and averages but how long would the general "rule" be on the one you are wanting to contact you in fact contacting you? Though I know I shouldn't be living in hope and yes I am becoming stronger and kind of more in control of my emotions, I am still curious. And I do understand that if they don't contact you - you have to come to terms with "it was never meant to be" anyway.....and I can see how this emotional distancing helps.

 

Britgirl almost at the end of day 10 and I can hardly believe it myself I have gone this long..............

 

[Daedalus]

Okay, I'm a hypocrite....last night I did something weird, but it hasn't set me back emotionally in any way. My ex had gotten into a fender bender and when she went to get her car fixed, it turns out there is a plethora of other problems due to it having been a previously used car. Now it is likely to cost her over a $1000 to fix a car she bought for $2000. She has had no car for about 6 days. She has to bus to school and work which is a big hassle due to where she lives now and where she works. I know she works Monday nights till 9 and I also know the bus doesn't come by until 9:45. I was on my way home from a night school class (taking french classes) and for some odd reason I thought I'd do her a favour and give her a lift home. I thought about it quite a bit and figured I'd be OK with seeing her as I have been doing so well and it would get her home earlier to work on homework. It is somewhat out of my way but not too bad. I pulled up to the bus stop where I knew she would be waiting, she came up to my car surprised and I said, "Come on, I'll give you a lift home."

I was pretty quiet and guarded, I didn't act depressed, needy or enthusiastic for that matter. We made small talk about her car and I so wanted to confront her about sleeping with someone already but I figured why bother. It was a fairly one sided conversation with her doing most of the talking. I never mentioned anything about US or me and how I was doing. I never asked her how she was doing only if she was OK and wasn't hurt in the accident. Anyhow I dropped her off and she said "thank you", gave me a kiss on the cheek, I said "be careful" (in reference to her driving....horrible) she said "I will", "see you around". Then I drove off.

I am strangely comfortable with my decision. I don't feel any emotional turmoil whatsoever. I guess that is a sign that I have come a long long way in the heeling process in the past 30 days. The only thing I am mad at myself for is breaking the No Contact rule. I wanted to go a long while to make her miss me. I just hope she doesn't think I did it as a means to win her over again, because that was not my intention at all. I was just being helpful.

What's important is that I feel fine. I'll start No Contact again with no problems.

I guess I want to point out that if you have healed sufficiently and you are not pining anymore and can handle seeing the other person without becoming an emotional wreck back at square one, then breaking No Contact may be OK. In fact it may mean you are ready for the next stage, occasional contact. Personally I don't think I will bother moving to that stage just yet as I still want to maintain that distance for my own personal well being. I'd be afraid that if I hung out with her and had a good time, that I would read into things and do something really stupid. The ball is still in my hand, but she can still try and take it, but good Luck.

[Prestin]

Well, your contact was hopefully like a „chance" meeting to her (meaning she does not think it was arranged by you...). So this was the first time in 30 days you actually saw each other? Good to hear that it was not an emotional setback for you.

 

I dont know what effect such „chance" encounters have on the ex... Is it equal to breaking the contact (e.g. by calling them, as I wanted to do yesterday)? Does it set back the situation, i.e. that now they have seen you again and miss you less? Or do such chance encouters have the opposite effect, that they miss you more? In this case I assume of course that your ex really has seen a person, completely different from the one she left...

 

Please keep us updated. In your situation I would probably first wait and see how the next contacts (initiated by her) will be like...

[janaka]

I'm wondering what to do if chances that your ex initiates a contact are extremely small??

 

My girlfriend of 3 years (of which we had to live over 2 years of long-distance relationship until now) recently broke up with me.

 

I'd really like to get her back. The problem is that she lives in a country where communication is very difficult. Even if I did the No Contact thing, I'm not sure if she would be able to initiate a contact...

 

Also, I'm afraid that she would forget me completely after many weeks of No Contact. I had stopped calling her two weeks ago, but made a casual call this afternoon. She didn't take my call though.

 

I think I've already gotten over my emotional uneasiness. What's more important for me is to be able to talk to her on the phone. What if she won't take my calls even after 2 or 3 months? What should I do?

[Crushed]

I know how you feel. Keep reading the posts and keep busy working on yourself. Your girl will not forget you, I know I was worried about the same thing. But it is as impossible for them to just forget you as it is for you to forget them. If you two were ever truly in love then that will not happen. I forgt who said this but it rings true: "When you love someone you give them a piece of your soul and you gain a piece of theirs. Neither can be taken back or returned." Do the no contact thing for at least 30 day minimum and read all the posts, especially by Morrigan. But I can assure you she will not forget you and she does miss you. That's what you have working for you.

 

Crushed