Dating and Coffee???

[ghost69]

i usually meet a girl and have a get to know you conversation before asking them out. when i get their number, i already know some things about them. i usually go out for some drinks and something fun. coffee is pretty universal. usually, a girl will go just about anywhere you want to go if she is interested in you.

 

to your OP, i would never ask my buddies out for coffee.

[crosstownTraffic]

I'm at a loss for words too. "If this isn't good advice I don't know what is. I don't beat around the bush. What's up with that sex comment. It's obvious the only reason why you ask out a girl is because you find her attractive. Having sex is 100% more natural than kissing a girl or holding her hand. There is no way that good sex is going to make any relationship WORSE. If anything it will make it better, so I'm not sure where you get your opinions from."

 

I have to ask you epsilon... How often do you go get a test for all the STDs out there?

 

Man, if you are that sexually active, I would avoid you with a 10 foot pole just to save my health & my life. Hope you got a big bank account too, just in case these "casual" dates end up in a pregnancy where you may become a father. Good luck.

[karvala]

For all you epsilon bashers out there. I'm 21. I get with girls of all ages 18-28. They're all pretty much the same.

 

I think that just about says it all. I hope that as you get older, you manage to widen your perspective beyond just how much of an alpha male you can try to convince people that you are. One day I hope you will discover love, and romance, and relationships, and explore the world around you, and realise that life isn't all about how many different people you can manage to score with before the end of the week. Of course that satisfies you at the moment, as it does many people your age, but in time I hope you'll learn to move beyond that. Good luck with it.

[kamila]

I think that just about says it all. I hope that as you get older, you manage to widen your perspective beyond just how much of an alpha male you can try to convince people that you are. One day I hope you will discover love, and romance, and relationships, and explore the world around you, and realise that life isn't all about how many different people you can manage to score with before the end of the week. Of course that satisfies you at the moment, as it does many people your age, but in time I hope you'll learn to move beyond that. Good luck with it.

I agree .. I was wondering about his age .. no offense to the OP, but I was thinking about 16, 17 maybe 18 .. but it's true that this thinking may persist a little longer before one realizes what relationships are about..

[epsilon2x]

I think that just about says it all. I hope that as you get older, you manage to widen your perspective beyond just how much of an alpha male you can try to convince people that you are. One day I hope you will discover love, and romance, and relationships, and explore the world around you, and realise that life isn't all about how many different people you can manage to score with before the end of the week. Of course that satisfies you at the moment, as it does many people your age, but in time I hope you'll learn to move beyond that. Good luck with it.

 

Actually, currently I'm in a loving relationship with my girlfriend and she is the only girl I see. But I didn't just find her and stick with her. I was dating a few girls at the same time and I realized I liked her more than the other girls. It's funny how everyone can bash the person who has success in their dating lives. Just because I have sex with the girls doesn't make me the bad guy, if that was your rational you could say the same thing about the girls I'm with.

 

I agree .. I was wondering about his age .. no offense to the OP, but I was thinking about 16, 17 maybe 18 .. but it's true that this thinking may persist a little longer before one realizes what relationships are about..

 

Me realize what relationships are about? By dating multiple girls at the same time I think I know. I don't have to stick with one thinking "maybe she'll change" or "If I try hard enough maybe she will see who I really am" or any other BS. I have fun with whoever I want because I'm entertaining. I could've stayed with any of those girls I was dating before I realized I wanted to get serious with my current girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with having options. I'd rather have 4 options than have to think I have to make it work with one girl that I'm really not that in to. Yeah maybe it does suck for those girls that I dropped, but the same thing happens to guys all the time.

 

Here's an analogy. Theres a multi assorted box of donuts. Unless you try them all, you're never going to know which is your favorite. It would be idiotic to eat only glazed donuts for six months then realize you hated them and then try chocolate coated donuts for another six months, just to realize you don't like that one too much either. Why not nibble at a few of them all at the same time to figure out which one is the best. Instead of wasting months of your life with something that is so so.

 

Same thing with girls, you can't really know how much you like someone unless you've experienced a lot more. Just substitute "glazed donut" with "girl A" and "chocolate donut" with "girl B".

 

From experience its my friends that have trouble getting dates that get stuck in the bad relationships. Why? Because it took them so long to find a girl to go out with that they do everything in their power to stay with the girl no matter how bad it is because they're scared they won't find another girl. It has nothing to do with love or romance, it has everything to do with being scared of being lonely. I can guarantee you anyone who knows they can get with a girl with little to no effort isn't going to stay in a bad relationship and they're going to find someone better.

 

I think some of you guys need a reality check.

 

Side tracked a little bit.

 

I'm still young and so are alot of people on this forum. About the meaningful relationships. I'm not ready to get married. What's wrong with having a little fun.

[dr_styles]

epsilon is pretty much right, realistically, in that last post; maybe the previous ones were a bit poorly worded, a bit "braggy".

 

Even if it is a little bit too much sleeping around, he is definitely right about the having your choices. You are much better having options than

From experience its my friends that have trouble getting dates that get stuck in the bad relationships. Why? Because it took them so long to find a girl to go out with that they do everything in their power to stay with the girl no matter how bad it is because they're scared they won't find another girl. It has nothing to do with love or romance, it has everything to do with being scared of being lonely.

 

----

 

Besides no one says you have to sleep with them to get to the same level of success/choices (I certainly won't just to score some fun)

 

Heh back on the coffee note I don't think I'd go well with that. I find sitting and drinking (coffee, alcohol, anything) and just talking rather boring, and being an introvert can't say it's that relaxing either. Don't get me wrong if I miraculously got asked for a coffee date/hang-out like that lucky gut I saw years ago (at Uni in a general public work/study area) I'd go.

[karvala]

Actually, currently I'm in a loving relationship with my girlfriend and she is the only girl I see. But I didn't just find her and stick with her. I was dating a few girls at the same time and I realized I liked her more than the other girls. It's funny how everyone can bash the person who has success in their dating lives. Just because I have sex with the girls doesn't make me the bad guy, if that was your rational you could say the same thing about the girls I'm with.

 

Why so defensive? I haven't said anything in any of my posts about good guys or bad guys. You're not being bashed, you're merely being told that there can be additional aspects to relationships beyond the number of people you can score with. I would have thought it was self-evident, but as your entire perspective in this thread seems focused on that one aspect alone, I thought it was worth pointing out that most people, when in a serious relationship, are there for more than just sex.

 

As I said before, you're not talking about dating here, you're talking about scoring. Most of the rest of the thread is from people trying to get you to see the distinction, but so far we don't seem to have had much luck. There is nothing wrong with having fun and playing the field in order to score with other consenting adults if that's what floats your boat, but please don't mistake that for a meaningful relationship, because for most people, the two things are not equivalent.

[kamila]

There is nothing wrong with having fun and playing the field in order to score with other consenting adults if that's what floats your boat, but please don't mistake that for a meaningful relationship, because for most people, the two things are not equivalent.

 

that's the answer to your question epsilon .. from what I've read so far only (I don't know you personally), you don't have experience in meaningful relationships, you play the field, you play

[epsilon2x]

I'm not getting defensive. It's everyone that's telling me there is more to it than just sex. I never said there wasn't. Just because I have sex with them doesn't mean it's not meaningful. My post was just to help people out. I never have to post "is she into me, or what does she mean by this" because I know she is into me. I'm not going out screwing random hookers. They are normal girls that want a relationship. Just because I have a higher turnover rate doesn't mean that they weren't meaningful. It just means I have other options where I can see something more meaningful with happening. It has nothing to do with me bragging. It's me stating what I am talking about.

 

 

 

You are supposed to play the field to find the person you like. play? Last time I checked dating was supposed to be FUN. Not boring, it's not supposed to feel like a chore. If you are not playing then maybe you shouldn't be dating. I want a girl I can have fun with. Yes I did play the field, and I'm in a successful relationship with my current girlfriend.

 

Oh and I forgot to mention. I did meet her at a coffee place/cafe. But it was only because I was already there and I thought she looked good so I went up and chatted her and her friend up.

[kamila]

 

Oh and I forgot to mention. I did meet her at a coffee place/cafe. But it was only because I was already there and I thought she looked good so I went up and chatted her and her friend up.

 

I love how play was bold like a hundred times there .. I get the point, you like playing .. I think it was clear since post 1 really .. but whatever works for you man! ..

 

so you did meet her a coffee place .. so basically all that you said so far about not taking people to coffee places just been canceled in one post .. I'm telling you .. cafe place is the way to go

[epsilon2x]

I love how play was bold like a hundred times there .. I get the point, you like playing .. I think it was clear since post 1 really .. but whatever works for you man! ..

 

so you did meet her a coffee place .. so basically all that you said so far about not taking people to coffee places just been canceled in one post .. I'm telling you .. cafe place is the way to go

 

No. There is a difference. I met her there randomly. I didn't ask her out to a coffee place. She was already sitting there with a friend and I approached her.

 

And I don't think you get the point. I'm saying everyone should like playing. Dating should be fun, not a hassle.

[mr_iwi]

I agree with some of what epsilon is saying: if two people want to have sex, then they should not be looked down upon for having sex. Although his attitude seems to be different to that of many other posters, it hasn't stopped him from forming a relationship with somebody he wants to be with. A true player would run a mile when anything committed appeared to be on the cards.

 

Epsilon, it seems that you have let some initial poor wording make you out to be someone you obviously are not. Perhaps expecting sex so early in the dating process is not something everyone agrees with (although I prefer things to be sexual early on, I would still wait more than four dates), but the fact that you've got the confidence not to fall into relationships that you aren't 100% happy with for fear of being alone is an achievement for a 21-year-old. In fact, it's that courage that I needed when I was 21 and found myself in a relationship that had stagnated.

 

Respect for epsilon.

[servedcold]

Agree with OP, and think many in the thread are nit-picking what he posted. He never said drinking coffee with friends or on a date was a bad idea, just not the best way to get things started. The best early dates involve some motion and thinking, the ability to let a personality shine through.

 

Nor did he say that he is some kind of Casanova racking up bedpost notches, but that many people decide whether to begin a relationship after they have sex these days, and it's merely an accurate statement of given reality, whether any given individual does things that way or not.

[Nixee]

I can actually see epsilon's point as well, though I see both sides. There is a reason coffee dates exist, and there is nothing wrong with choosing to set something simple like that off the bat, but I think it ultimately depends on your own comfort level going into things - like.... how did you meet this person, how long have you known them, how excited are you about this date? I think it is a popular first date for online meetups, for example, because it is safe, quick, cheap, and gives you a nice chance to feel things out and assess chemistry. Or if this is a person you just met very briefly in a store, a bar a club or whatever and got their number... a coffee date can be the first real chance to talk.

 

However, if you have spent a fair amount of time with this person conversing otherwise - phone conversations, emails... or maybe they are an aquaintance through friends, work or school, and you have a good comfort level already, then I can absolutely agree with taking a chance on a date with a little more investment and fun that could be a bit more memorable.

 

Coffee dates are safe... but yes, they are boring, and I almost never get excited about them, even if I am looking forward to seeing or meeting the person. I am an active person, I can carry on a good conversation... but shared experiences helps me click with someone, and no matter how much I like someone... a coffee date has rarely ended up feeling memorable to me.... It feels more like meet, talk, and we'll have a "real" date later.

[crosstownTraffic]

I don't know but epilson, you sure did take this thread off topic, imho.

 

But honestly, it's this precise attitude that leads so many young women and women in general to post on here: "I can guarantee you anyone who knows they can get with a girl with little to no effort isn't going to stay in a bad relationship and they're going to find someone better.

 

I think some of you guys need a reality check."

 

Oh, we are well acquainted with reality. You might say the girl is equally as responsible for you having sex with her, but you DID mention that most of those girls wanted a meaningful relationship. Yet, you acquint your "high turnover" rate to being "sucessfull".

 

See, I love sex too, and I'm an adult but to see sex treatly so shallowly as this poster has done, makes me feel awful about guys in general. Gosh, i wonder how many guys actually have this philosphy. I hope very few!!!

 

just cuz you are in a relationship now doesn't mean you were not a player. Or wouldn't be one again if you broke it off with your present girlfriend.

 

Girls, don't go out with guys like this! They will only break your heart. Or you'll end up pregnant and he's moved onto someone else! Wow.. this whole mindset, is like something off a Maury Povich show, this attitude, where the guy is so "successful" he's got like 5 diffo babies by five diffo women!

 

And to acquint girls with a box of doughnuts! Is any other female here insulted by his analogy! It's like women are just expendable commodities to these type of guys.

 

I'm glad you are in a monogamous relationship now epilson. That's less girls getting played! And how old are you by chance?

No one said dating had to be boring, but it seems in your mindset, unless you have had intercourse with each & every "doughout" you don't feel lik you are giving yourself a "chance" to really get to "know" them.

well, here's a reality check for ya. You can have sex with someone and STILL not know them! That's the problem noawadys.. people are so anxious to fall into bed with someone before getting to know that person, they make alot of mistakes in getting involved with that person.

Having sex only tells you what person is like in bed. It doesn't tell ya what kind of person they are, the actual reality!

[servedcold]

And to acquint girls with a box of doughnuts! Is any other female here insulted by his analogy! It's like women are just expendable commodities to these type of guys.

 

Having a "pot kettle black" moment after being treated as a human wallet by several different women, a prospective sperm donor by several others, a "maker of me laugh or maker of me happy" by several others, and an end in himself human being by... one or two in my life.

 

Most men don't start out treating women as material, they are taught the behavior based on bad treatment at the hands of women. So let's "lay" the chicken and egg gender generalizations aside as legitimate "getting riled up" fodder.

 

I've seen books titled "What Kind of Dog is Your BF?" or the ilk on several women's bookshelves, and laughed at it, yet any time men come even close to generalizing women as materialistically as we are generalized by them and "Katy bar the door, call the insult police!"

[Clarity]

Coffee is a way to arrange something short, where you can feel each other out, that could easily turn into something more if you're both up for it.

 

Sometimes the reason I prefer asking a girl to coffee is because I'm not sure if I'll be attracted to her and, if that's the case, I'd rather not commit to an entire date where I'll probably be spending a significant amount of $ on her.

[epsilon2x]

You really have to be a prude to get offended by the donut thing. That's why it's an analogy. It makes sense.

 

I said it earlier. I'm 21 years old. How old are you?

 

I never said you have to know a girl to have sex with them. But normally you have a good comfort level with the girl when you do have sex with them. I've found that the earlier you have sex with a girl, the easier it is to get to know each other. You're more relaxed around each other. You lay around afterwards, talk, cuddle etc. When you have sex early on by building comfort, its easier to get to know them afterwards because usually they're not playing games anymore.

 

Just don't give off the vibe that you just want a wham bam thank you ma'am and it's easy to get to know a girl after you've had sex.

[Shudder]

Coffee is a way to arrange something short, where you can feel each other out, that could easily turn into something more if you're both up for it.

 

Sometimes the reason I prefer asking a girl to coffee is because I'm not sure if I'll be attracted to her and, if that's the case, I'd rather not commit to an entire date where I'll probably be spending a significant amount of $ on her.

 

have to agree with this one

[lost1607307474]

I love going out for coffee. I think coffee shops and cafes are great public spheres that you can feel comfortable in and get to know others or specific 'dates.' Doing crazy, fun things straight off the bat might pull people out of their comfort zones and make getting to know each other difficult and not pleasurable.