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Trusting after betrayal


Dan_TheMan

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Hello everyone,

 

I created a new user name to hide my identity (girlfriend found posts I'd made with my original).

 

As the title suggests, I'm having a difficult time trusting my girlfriend. After her emotional affair this summer, we took a break that lasted roughly three months, and then she started pursuing me again. Fast forward to present day, where our relationship has been going quite well since late 2008. My problem is, the other guy (her co-worker) is still making his moves and it bothers me... a lot. Now, I'm confident that my girlfriend is done with him because she doesn't seem to enjoy his company anymore than I enjoy being around fellow co-workers. She treats him professionally since she has no other choice; she has to work with him to an extent. He, on the other hand, makes sure to take lunch when she does, and always finds a way to sit next to her.

 

I'm not going to lie, I want to kick this guy's ass. I have a deep-rooted hatred for him that I can't seem to escape. I've tried. I doubt anyone will recognize my writing and connect it to my previous posts, but many posters in the other thread had their predictions come to fruition. Apparently, this guy is living in his basement. His wife found out about the affair and basically kicked him out. I take a little pride in that, but it's not fully what I hope for. Anyway, my vengeful thoughts are an aside.

 

What I'm having trouble coping with is the fact that my girlfriend still deals with this man on a daily basis. And while I think she's being honest with me, I have a little shred of doubt. I mean, she still talks to him on a certain online game. She hasn't removed him fully from her life, and I can't help but think she may still have feelings for him. My question to all of you good folks is, should I still worry? Or should I let the past go and give my girlfriend my full trust?

 

Thanks for all your help in the past and for any in the future. Sorry for this being so vague. I'd rather my girlfriend not find this post.

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Should you let go of the past? I counter with you HAVE to let go of the past. It will do you, and the relationship, no good to continue to dwell on this.

 

Look inside yourself, why do you hate this guy so much? Sure you have some reason, but do you have enough reason? Enough reason to justify the extent of your hatred? This will eat you alive if you don't tame it.

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If she was really trying to mend your relationship she would not have any contact with this guy other than when absolutely needed for work. No online gaming, sitting next to him at work (she should get up and move) and tell him if he still continues she will report him to management.

She sounds like she has no guilt over what she has done and also has no empathy for you or your feelings. If she is trying to regain your trust I would say she is not putting much effort into it at all.

 

If it were me I would have a calm talk with this guy with her there in public. I doubt she will go for it but you need to see just what his and her intentions are. Who really knows what she has told him and he probably has no idea what she has told you. For trust to be regained the truth must come out. All of it.

 

good luck

 

lost

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You had me convinced until you mentioned that she still talks to him outside of work (on the online game). Before that, I thought the interaction was limited to just professional talk.

 

So yeah, I find it disturbing that after an emotional affair, she's still talking to the guy. That's not really a good sign.

 

And I understand you're angry, but you shouldn't be pissed at the guy - your GF is the problem. The guy is only doing what your GF lets him do. If she'd stop talking to him outside of work, then interaction would be strictly professional. But here she is, giving him fodder and excuses to chat with her at lunch, and to stay involved with her personal life.

 

Why are you still with her? And if it's because you still have feelings, well, don't sacrifice your principles for them. If you're not okay with her relationship with this other guy she messed around with, then put a stop to this nonsense. Walk away from all of this. Let her get whatever ridiculous fascination she has with a married man, out of her system. if she wants to play with fire, let her get burned. That's how the most important lessons in life are learned.

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In order to re-gain your trust, she and (she alone) has to make up her mind to do just that. Since she's still talking to him online, she's sending the message that she's still connecting with him, and is making a choice to ignore your feelings.

 

I can certainly understand your anger towards him, but she's the one that has to put a stop to this. Also, she doesn't seem to be the innocent party here, since she's allowing this communication with him.

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The way she put it to me yesterday, he's currently the main link of communication between her and his department. If she pisses him off (or just ignores him), he'll most likely become vengeful and will instead be a communications barrier. That's bad. So, I do understand her point to an extent. The online thing is what I don't understand.

 

She says she moves away from him, albeit subtly.

 

My anger, I think, stems more from the fact that this despicable travesty of a human being is still walking around like everything is fine. The guy has a kid and a wife which he doesn't seem to care about at all. He's a complete scumbag on every possible level. And yeah, it doesn't help things that he messed with my life.

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I think she's gotten you so incredibly twisted. Maybe you feel like things got better, but after some thought, I think it's actually worst. Because the reality is that she's STILL talking to the guy she messed around on you with. And it's not on a strictly professional level. She talks to him outside of work. And she spends lunches with him?

 

And this is the part that really bothers me. Now it's no longer her fault. She HAS to talk to him. Because of (fill in excuse here). See? She has to talk to him because (blah blah blah). And it's not her fault that she has lunches with him, he's the one who sits next to her. And I have no idea why she talks to him during her free time at home on this online game. I'm sure if you asked her, she'll come up with another great excuse.

 

It's all so convenient. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. I mean, no offense but your GF must have some serious obsession to still be talking with a guy whose marriage is in the gutter, who cheated on his wife, whom he has a kid with. That's just crazy. I can't think of any normal person who'd want to be involved in that kind of drama.

 

But in the end, you either trust her or you don't. I think the whole situation stinks something rotten, and it sucks that in the end, you're the one paying for it. She continues to have her ego stroked from this guy's attention. This guy gets to keep his fantasy going as an outlet from his unhappy marriage. And you're the one left wondering what you did to deserve this.

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Not that it really matters, but I found out tonight (from a mutual friend) that my girlfriend went on lunch with this guy today. She saw them in the break-room sitting next to each other. I hate to do this, but it might be ultimatum time. At least my relationship is going well at this point, so I may be able to accomplish something. I'm just going to explain to her (again) that it shows a lack of respect for her to sit next to him. And if that doesn't work, I may have to have a little chat with Mr. Scumbag about how certain facial features get broken when guys mess with another's girlfriend. Obviously, not in those terms. After all, threatening violence does nothing; better to just knock his ass into tomorrow without warning...

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Don't get violent - it makes you look ugly, him look like a victim and could end up with you in jail on charges.

 

Don't forget people have ended up with manslaughter convictions for what started out as a fairly minor altercation.

 

And if he were to beat you for some reason you would look silly and possibly injured as well as unstable. Size isn't everything - they didn't name the Colt 45 the "Equalizer' for nothing.

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You guys take things way too seriously. Of course I'm not going to do anything physical. Believe me, I'd love to, but it's not the type of person I am. I'm just venting a little steam.

 

orangesoda: I take it you don't think an ultimatum is going to accomplish anything?

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what are you going to threaten her with? Dumping her? you already did that. which was probably the right choice.

 

only problem is that you took her back - and she hasn't changed one bit.

 

either suck it up and accept her as she is, a girl that doesn't know how to respect boundaries of her relationship (or other people's relationships for that matter) or dump her and move on.

 

if i were you, i'd probably just wash my hands of this entire mess, and let the two of them burn themselves.

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