Should there be a follow-up move? Or pretend it didn't happen...

[tattoobunnie]

I've been dating this man I've been dating for about two months. He told me that he going on a mini-vacay with his guy buddies in two months. In part of that journey, they stop at strip clubs. Since the relationship is still young, I told him to go have fun, and I didn't need to know too many details about that one part. On Saturday, I met his friends for the first time. He spent most of the night talking me up to everyone. Later on, he admitted to me that he was upset that I would assume he was "dog-like, and strip-clubs weren't his scene" and that he was a one woman man, and wants to maintain a high-level of honesty. While he was a pretty tipsy, he told me I should stake my claim. I froze up when he asked me at what point I do that, and then I started rambling about how I don't assume that he's my guy, and in a sense that he's able to do what he wants. That statement actually pissed him off, as he said, "you're basically saying we have no relationship. You don't care about it. And if that's what you want, that's fine."

 

We both met on link removed, and I admitted to him that I was a little hesitant since I saw his on-line profile active consistently and often, and assumed he was still looking. He said that he wondered the same about me, why I was on there.

 

Background info...Ex from a few months ago smashed my heart into bits...so it's easier for me to cut and run, rather than get take a chance and get my heart-broken.

 

I wanted to be clear about things, so the following day, I brought it up if things were cool, and he just said, "yes," and nothing else.

 

So I'm confused about what the hell we were both saying, or how to interpret what he was saying. In all honesty, I would really want to tell him that simply, I can't handle anymore heartache, and I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure onto him. While I haven't figured out what I want from him, all I know is that he's the one I want.

 

At the same time, I wonder if I should sweep our convo under the rug and pretend it didn't happen...Should I follow up, should I not say anything? I think I gave him the wrong impression of how I feel about him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is hard to tell exactly what he was looking for here, but perhaps he wanted to hear that the two of you were exclusive? Perhaps he took your telling him to go 'have fun' meant that when he was not around you might be out having equal fun...

 

But it sounds like one of those stupid drunken arguments that happen too... perhaps he hardly even remembers it.

 

So if you want to be exclusive with him, now is the time for that talk. And also tell him that you prefer him not to go to strip clubs (if that is true), and that you want to be his girlfriend (if that is true). In other words, i think he was looking for a sign you wanted more from him, not less.

[EasywayHardway]

Sweeping it under the rug is a bad idea, I have made that kind of mistake before brushing something off and ignoring it, it has a way of coming back and biting you in the behind honesty is the best policy no games just talk to him honestly about how you feel, explain that you panicked because of past advents and experiences and may be unintentionally that he put you on the spot explain him that you do really like him and that you just need some time if he is a good guy he will be understanding but trying to translate signs or the way certain words that were said is always a bad idea no middle man just straight talk and then you will no one way or another, not knowing is the biggest killer a lest after you can move on one way or another .

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is how not being direct leads to misunderstandings and trouble. He didn't make his intentions clearly known, skirted around issues etc and so did you...both trying to protect yourselves. If your ex recently smashed your heart and you are still reeling from that but have been dating this guy for two months, it is clear that you weren't single that long before starting to date this guy...what's the rush? Why didn't you take some alone time rather than put yourself out on the dating market so quickly. What's his history? Is he fresh out of a relationship as well. Judging from the communication skills, it doesn't sound like either of you are ready for a real relationship based on clear and solid communication.

[Batya33]

He has an interesting definition of "honesty" - I think he is confusing it with oversharing. He told you he was going to strip clubs - that's not about honesty (you didn't ask him if he was going to clubs, did you?) it's about sharing information probably so he wouldn't feel guilty and/or because he knew his friends might spill the beans and better you hear it from him.

 

I think both of you need to focus more on direct communication than "honesty".

[tattoobunnie]

We speak regularly about the relationship. In the beginning he told me he thinks going slow and building the friendship was key to making things a success. I've been translating as going slow to mean, we should date others...and I've kept my feelings in check based on that thought. All the while he's telling me things are progressing, and clarifying that he is only dating me. So...I never thought about what I do what from him.

 

I was thinking I'd scare him away if I liked him too much...so there is no school girl fawning over him...

[tattoobunnie]

We both got out of our prior ones around the same time in Sept/October. And I honestly didn't think I'd meet someone of this caliber and really a good match for me. I thought I'd just be having some fun, going on some dates. And yeah, I was a little thrown off when he brought it up...

 

I'm not mad at him for telling me he's going to strip clubs. I don't really care...I've seen what people do there, and just didn't want to know the details. He only got upset because he thought he was giving me a bad impression about him.