my girlfriend lets guys buy her drinks

[JadedStar]

Well then my my... the bar scene is just littered with women who are bad people. However, I disagree and I am in no way a bad person for accepting something offered to me. In my opinion.

 

I think it comes down to values. For someone like me, and others on this thread, we would find it an unappealing trait to be with a partner who accepts offers of drinks while out in bars. If someone else doesn't mind that in their partner, it isn't an issue.

 

For me i think it is misleading to accept that offer whilst in a relationship...or i will go a step further to say i wouldn't even accept the offer while NOT in a relationship if i didn't also like the guy or find him attractive. I think that it misleads the guy because most NO guys in bars are so altruistic that they want to shell out ten bucks for a drink for just anyone. They do it as it is a societal accepted form of showing a girl he finds her attractive and is interested. Thus if i do not feel the same in return, i would decline the drink. While in a relationship i would ALWAYS decline it. Not just for respecting my partner but also to respect the other guy and not make him feel that i am also finding him attractive as well.

[DN]

Straight men don't go to bars and offer to buy drinks for men they have never met before. They offer to buy drinks for women as an opening gambit hoping to have some sort of romantic and/or sexual relationship with her - or at least to explore the possibilities of that. If women claim they don't know that they are either very naive or disingenuous. For a woman who is in a relationship to accept those drinks, while knowing why it is being offered, is being inappropriate because she has a boyfriend and/or is taking advantage of the guy buying the drink.

[girl68]

^ In your opinion! ^

 

I'm not the only one who disagrees. So In my opinion and in yours. As I said to each his or her own.

[DN]

But, in the context of this thread, I am trying to show to the OP that I agree that his feelings are valid and that in his place I would dump his girlfriend because of what I see as a serious character flaw. He may choose which opinion to accept or not.

[Mutley]

I cast my vote for "unacceptable."

[JadedStar]

I would think that nine out of ten guys, probably ten out of ten realistically, would rather a girl decline his offer of a drink if she wasn't interested in him at all. Too many threads are written on this that suggest this is exactly how it is. They would most likely rather keep their money in their wallet.

 

There are a few random people who might buy a drink without that notion in mind, but they are EASILY identified. For example if i am out and a couple is near me celebrating an anniversary, as a gesture of kindness i have in the past bought that person(s) a drink to say 'cheers'. Or if someone had a birthday, etc. It is always very OBVIOUS that the intent is not in an effort to 'get to know that person' in any type of romantic context. As DN suggested the person would have to be naive or socially inexperienced to not really be able to read the signs that a guy might be giving when offering to buy that drink. It isn't very hard to pick up the cues if it is a guy who finds you attractive and is hoping to get a phone number and hopefully a date, or a random act of kindness.

 

If i were a guy i would appreciate a girl declining my offer if she had no desire to perhaps like me enough to exchange numbers at the end of the evening or knew she had ZERO desire to go out with me.

I will take a strong guess to say that most men would agree with me on that if they are in the dating market, and most guys buying drinks are. Sometimes the drink is bought because there was a great conversation going on and no romantic notion intended, but again, these situations are not that hard to pick up and spot, and if that is the case it is noble for both parties to mention they have a g/f or b/f at some point in the conversation so as to not give off any false signals.

[girl68]

Oh well. Guys will forever continue to buy drinks for girls, and girls of all status will forever accept them.

 

And for the record I am still not a bad person for accepting drinks from random dudes. And neither is the gf or that other poster who said she did as well. UNLESS she or I did it despite our guys wishes or with the intent to mooch on guys for money.

 

I think it is disrespectful to me to call ME out on being disrespectful to my guy.

[ProtestTheHero]

Oh well. Guys will forever continue to buy drinks for girls, and girls of all status will forever accept them.

 

And for the record I am still not a bad person for accepting drinks from random dudes. And neither is the gf or that other poster who said she did as well. UNLESS she or I did it despite our guys wishes or with the intent to mooch on guys for money.

 

I think it is disrespectful to me to call ME out on being disrespectful to my guy.

 

I still am a little clueless as to why you'd accept drinks from guys when you're in a relationship? Guys do it for a reason, and it's not to thank you for looking pretty. To accept it knowing the guy's intent will be perceived as you disrespecting your guy because you're giving the buyer the "green light" to continue. You aren't exactly shutting down his advances or making it known that you're unavailable when you accept those drinks -- but maybe $5 means that much to you, I wouldn't know.

[JadedStar]

Oh well. Guys will forever continue to buy drinks for girls, and girls of all status will forever accept them.

 

And for the record I am still not a bad person for accepting drinks from random dudes. And neither is the gf or that other poster who said she did as well. UNLESS she or I did it despite our guys wishes or with the intent to mooch on guys for money.

 

I think it is disrespectful to me to call ME out on being disrespectful to my guy.

 

Well for me, I would feel i disrespected my SO because for starters we have talked about this early in the beginning and both agreed it is disrespectful. Secondly, as stated, I would feel i was disrespecting the guy buying the drink becuase he likely offered as he would hopefully like to get a phone number or a date, and since i know that won't happen, i would feel i wasted his time and took him for his money.

If you and your b/f do not feel it is disrespectful, and you are ok with perhaps giving a guy the wrong idea by accepting it, then by all means do it. We are mostly just giving our personal experiences and take on this type of scenario. Like Tyler above, I too wonder the real motivation to let a guy buy you a drink ... is it to get a free drink? To flirt? I ask these questions not out of disrespect but really beacuse I am wondering what the motivation would be, as it confuses me.

[girl68]

Becasue as I said before... I don't say yes to just any dochebag who walks up to me and offerers. It's not like I hide the fact I'm not single... it's not like I act like I'm out on the prowl. In fact there have been times I've said no thanks, not interested I've got a bf and he says so, I can't buy a gal a drink and have a chat? I mean sure sometimes once I say the bf... screw right off but other times, they don't care they're just out to talk, meet ppl have a good time whatever.

 

Sure a little attention is flattering but do you think I am a die hard attention wh0re because I've accepted a free drink here or there? Because that would be dead wrong assumptions. It's really not that big of a deal, UNLESS I am not trusted by the bf, unless I'm intentially using men to get free drinks or unless I'm actively acting like I'm single and that the drink is the first step into something much much more.

 

Now listen here, you don't have to agree with me, it's obvious you don't. But you SHOULD be able to see some of the points I put down.

 

I club a lot... and I mean a lot. I've been offered lots of drinks... I turn down some, accept others. I've never cheated, never acted like I would and never given out the pretense that a random and I were ever going to get further than just chit chat.

[JadedStar]

No, if that question was posted to me. I worded my post in such a way that I was really asking out of curiosity, not in any attempt to put anyone down.

[girl68]

I still am a little clueless as to why you'd accept drinks from guys when you're in a relationship? Guys do it for a reason, and it's not to thank you for looking pretty. To accept it knowing the guy's intent will be perceived as you disrespecting your guy because you're giving the buyer the "green light" to continue. You aren't exactly shutting down his advances or making it known that you're unavailable when you accept those drinks -- but maybe $5 means that much to you, I wouldn't know.

 

You don't know that... I'll have you know yes, in many (no not ALL) instances yes, I DO let him know I'm not interested in a one nighter or that I do have a bf, or that I am just here for girls night... and still in many cases they still extend their offer for a drink, because sometimes they aren't just buying you a drink for the purposes of taking you home.

[girl68]

No, if that question was posted to me. I worded my post in such a way that I was really asking out of curiosity, not in any attempt to put anyone down.

 

Sure, but hopefully you took more out of my post than defending yourself on my question!?

[JadedStar]

Sure, but hopefully you took more out of my post than defending yourself on my question!?

 

To be honest it still doesn't really give me a lot of insight as to the reasoning behind it, so I can't really say much on the topic. I have to leave it with an agree to disagree kind of thing. I wish i could say 'i understand why you do it" but i really don't, but i still respect that you have your own beliefs and opinions so I might as well leave it at that. YOu even said in many cases, not all, you let them know you are not interested, so that leaves the issue that sometimes you don't let them know that, and I can't pretend to understand the motivation for that.

 

I could lie and say your posts made the lightbulb go off for me and i now better understand your motivation, but since I don't, i will leave it with "we disagree on this particular topic".

[girl68]

Whatever then... I mean sure, I sometimes let them know but is ther first thing I have to say always I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.. run! Don't think so.

[JadedStar]

Whatever then... I mean sure, I sometimes let them know but is ther first thing I have to say always I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.. run! Don't think so.

 

I am only being honest in saying I disagree. Please don't get angry just because I don't agree with your point of view....and I would be lying if i said i did. And i don't think anyone is saying the first thing you need to say is you have a b/f, but most people can pick up on a person's attraction to them so the nice thing to do - for both your b/f and the other guy to not get his hopes up - is work it into the conversation so there is no room for doubt.

[girl68]

point 1) don't assume I'm angry

point 2) i think you've said at least 3 times you don't agree... I GET IT

point 3) i don't let guys believe they're getting anything more than friendly chit chat

point 4) some people agree that turning something down that is offered to you is rude *surprise!* some people might think YOU are rude for turning down a drink. Just a thought...

[JadedStar]

point 1) don't assume I'm angry

point 2) i think you've said at least 3 times you don't agree... I GET IT

point 3) i don't let guys believe they're getting anything more than friendly chit chat

point 4) some people agree that turning something down that is offered to you is rude *surprise!* some people might think YOU are rude for turning down a drink. Just a thought...

 

When someone starts a sentence with 'whatever then' they are appear either aggravated or angry. Even this reply is strongly worded ... big deal if we don't agree. I think we also "get" that you have a different view since you have continued to drive that point home repeatedly. YOur posts sound very defensive, and are to the point that they are simply revealing irritation that you are not being agreed with. I won't respond to them on this topic further.

[grymoire]

girl68, your arguments are very surprising for me... haha... a guy offering to buy a girl a free drink just wants to have a chit chat? hahaha... people are not dumb ok?

 

you can't even afford to buy your own drinks? don't you have a job?

 

these type of threads confuse me a LOT. i hear some women talking all the time about empowerment and feminism and equal rights and then go on to accept free drinks and use men for money. it is very shameful actually...

 

one of my female friends is a feminist and very proud one at that.. when someone asked her how she spends money in the casinos she replied "oh i don't spend.. i let the dudes spend for me".. and i was like 'wow.. she sure is a feminist'

[Clementine orange]

girl68, your arguments are very surprising for me... haha... a guy offering to buy a girl a free drink just wants to have a chit chat? hahaha... people are not dumb ok?

 

you can't even afford to buy your own drinks? don't you have a job?

 

these type of threads confuse me a LOT. i hear some women talking all the time about empowerment and feminism and equal rights and then go on to accept free drinks and use men for money. it is very shameful actually...

 

one of my female friends is a feminist and very proud one at that.. when someone asked her how she spends money in the casinos she replied "oh i don't spend.. i let the dudes spend for me".. and i was like 'wow.. she sure is a feminist'

 

Maybe she's a Camille Paglia type feminist...

 

I can't believe this thread is still going on. For the record, I NEVER buy drinks for women in bars (beyond friends/birthday stuff etc). At the risk of sounding totally egotistical, I've found that I've never needed to in order to converse or even wanted to. Plus I like my money too much. I do pay for stuff on dates - at the beginning anyway but I ain't buying a stranger a drink in the hopes that she'll like me or come home with me. What's the point? If they find me interesting then they'll talk to me anyway, and if they don't then I'm just throwing my money away. In the long run, I think women will respect men more who don't throw their money around for no good reason.

[girl68]

you can't even afford to buy your own drinks? don't you have a job?

 

Heh? Where did I suggest I can't afford drinks? Where did I emply that I'm asking for drinks? The answer: I didn't! These drinks are offered you understand that concept? And if you're thinking that I don't have to ask because of how I act and or dressed emplies such things you'd still be wrong.

 

Anyhow if you have a problem with it, be like Mr. Orange... don't offer.

 

One more thing, where did I suggest that these men are "stupid"? You mean that every single guy that has EVER asked to buy me a free drink wanted a piece of my a$$? Nahh... wrong again. Some? Well of course! ALL? negative.

[grymoire]

Heh? Where did I suggest I can't afford drinks? Where did I emply that I'm asking for drinks? The answer: I didn't! These drinks are offered you understand that concept? And if you're thinking that I don't have to ask because of how I act and or dressed emplies such things you'd still be wrong.

 

Anyhow if you have a problem with it, be like Mr. Orange... don't offer.

 

One more thing, where did I suggest that these men are "stupid"? You mean that every single guy that has EVER asked to buy me a free drink wanted a piece of my a$$? Nahh... wrong again. Some? Well of course! ALL? negative.

 

The general protocol is - men make the move and women respond. men ask women out on dates and women respond. men take women out on dates and foot the bill.

 

You accepting an offer for drinks means you are saying 'yes. i am single, you can engage me'. Just because it was offered you cannot say 'he only offered, i didn't ask'. It sounds very childish. Its like a girl telling 'he only came after me.. he only asked me out on a date'. Of course men are the initiators. I have never heard of women going to bars, approaching strangers, and offering to buy them a drink.

 

And of course, if 10 guys offer to buy you a drink, 9 want to get into your pants. The other 1 might be gay.

[girl68]

You accepting an offer for drinks means you are saying 'yes. i am single, you can engage me'. Just because it was offered you cannot say 'he only offered, i didn't ask'. It sounds very childish. Its like a girl telling 'he only came after me.. he only asked me out on a date'. Of course men are the initiators. I have never heard of women going to bars, approaching strangers, and offering to buy them a drink.

 

Right so right you are

 

I'm not allowed to say he offered because that's not the truth, I mean wait... that's "childish"? Okay then... (insert sarcasm)

 

You've never heard of women trying to pick up men, and in the process ask to buy them a drink? Well up here, where I live it happens all the bloody time. So now, you can say you've heard of it! I've done it many times, I've seen it done lots, and my gf's do it as much as they like.

[grymoire]

Right so right you are

 

I'm not allowed to say he offered because that's not the truth, I mean wait... that's "childish"? Okay then... (insert sarcasm)

 

You've never heard of women trying to pick up men, and in the process ask to buy them a drink? Well up here, where I live it happens all the bloody time. So now, you can say you've heard of it! I've done it many times, I've seen it done lots, and my gf's do it as much as they like.

 

Re-read my post and note that I have mentioned "general protocol".

 

Let's say you have a bf and you guys are long-distance. He goes to clubs and some women come up to him, flirt with him, and kiss him. It is correct right? He was offered the kiss and hey it might be a friendly platonic kiss.

[girl68]

See now you're changing it completely. Of course kissing is crossing the line!

 

Now if you re-read my previous posts in this thread I said many many times to each his or her own. For some accepting a DRINK (not a kiss) is not crossing the line. I'm not the only one who's in this group either. And for some accepting a drink or a kiss or even sex isn't crossing the line (those are called open relationships) so it's all up to the person and couple individually.

 

If you're going to turn the tables TURN the tables don't turn them and flip them upside down to include kissing! If the same situation arose and he (the bf) accepted a free drink and only chatted with her... sure, I wouldn't have a problem. Dancing, getting numbers not so much. But I'm in that same boat I'd accept but no dancing, no numbers... etc.