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Need advice to help my friends whose fiance cheated-acting unhealthy


Bdk86

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I have a friend whose fiance recently cheated and broke up with him. He was devastated and would have been living on his own, but I invited him to live in my apartment with my brother and me down at college. He leapt at the opportunity because he needed to get away from the house in which they lived and he needed to be as far away from his ex as possible. I was a bit weary of it at first because I had problems I needed to work through myself, but it seemed like it would be for the better. Lately, he has been acting and talking about this woman nearly non-stop which not only is driving me and my brother nuts but its a very unhealthy way to cope.

 

He was with this woman for 3 1/2 years so I try to do my best to understand how he was completely destroyed, but he plays little games with himself about her that are immature and unhealthy. For example, he will check her myspace account to see if she was online and then will check his to see if he had any additional profile views. Then he says he can tell that she's looking at his account and then will laugh about it. Also, he comments on her facebook status updates; like she will say that shes "hanging out with her best friend" and he will tell me that he said something along the lines of her actually spending time with the guy she cheated on my friend with.

 

When we watch TV, he usually has something to say about nearly every commercial and connecting to his "stupid * * * * * " of an ex-then he will do this fake laugh like he thinks he's "getting at her".

 

I understand he is in tremendous pain, but these things are very unhealthy for him and now my brother and me. I try to tell him to stop talking about it because it will make him think about it more, but he claims its OK because he can laugh at it, but the laughing is just a negative coping mechanism (as far as I'm concerned anyway). I don't mean to seem selfish in the situation, but this is driving me and my brother nuts as well as my friend. Each day he seems to talk about her more and more, and I don't know how to help him stop. I'm aware it will take a while for him to heal, but he will never heal with the pety behavior and fake jokes which I can see right through.

 

Somebody please offer some advice!

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hi - sounds like your friend is really heartbroken. i agree that for a while, making fun/jokes about an ex can be sort of healthy after a breakup, but after a while, it's just dwelling on the past and not moving on. i would sit down and seriously talk to him - that he's holding back his life, by living on your couch, checking her myspace, and connecting every commercial he sees on TV back to her. it's just not healthy. he should maybe talk to a therapist about moving on past her.

 

good luck

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he's going to dwell for a while, thats normal for some people. Until it starts to really get in the way of his life like his job or going out with friends and family then just let him laugh it up. He's just trying to convince himself that he's okay... soon he will actually realize that he IS in fact okay.

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If this just recently happened, he's probably crushed. This is just how he is dealing with it. Sometimes crude jokes and the sarcasm are a way for people to act tough eventhough they are really messed up inside.

 

I can understand that this must be annoying to live with, especially because there is not much you can say to take away his pain. He may only be receptive to stuff about her right now....and anything that will make her look bad because of how she made him feel. Counteracting his negativity with positivity could work, but as sensitive as he is right now he might get offended.

 

I say let him alone. If he is home and watching TV, go do something else. If he wants company, he'll approach you.

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If it's been recent then it's normal. It will probably be this way for a couple months (becoming less and less frequent, hopefully). It will become very annoying for you and it will seem like he's not moving past it because in your world, much time has passed... in his world, not enough time has passed. If you can convince him to, try to get him to stop looking at her myspace. Otherwise, just try to be patient with him.

 

Also, for a while everything will remind him of her. That's normal too. It's your mind working it out, going over the break-up and the relationship over and over and over... (maddening)

 

That's how break-ups go...

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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