1MoreChance Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I am wondering why so many people feel such a sense of triumph at that thought? I mean, it is almost like a wish for revenge... "one day when I am over him/her, he/she may come chasing after me, and by then I won't want anything to do with him/her *chuckle*" I do not get a sense of comfort by that idea. If we get back together great but if he chooses to move on without me - either being sure it's over for good even though he is single, or meeting someone else and falling in love and having a relationship with that perosn (or I meet someone else and do the same),... then ya now the thoguht of those possibilities hurt and scare me, but I just don,t have the thought that he may caome back and by then I'll be over him and "GOODY!!!"... It seems like a vengeful and immature way of comforting oneself... What do you all think? (I'm still hurting BTW and he is seeing someone else right now) Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Ugh, good question! I came back for my ex after 4-6 months and we went in circles for 6 until he finally decided he wants to be alone for a while (translation: with a * * * * ty girl). It feels like paybeck! As much as it makes me upset and hurting, the truth is he has every right not to want me back. But why play me around to come to that conclusion? I hope he's not letting me go for the wrong reasons. However, if he comes back for me I have no intention of playing him. I wish he comes so we can try together again. Like you said, if I fall in love and really move on, great but right now I want him to come back for us to be together not for him to feel what I feel now. I dnt wish this pain/guilt to someone I love. Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 The idea really is whether or not the person comes back, you've actually progressed in your life and are no longer emotionally dependent on someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Link to comment
savignon Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I agree with somethngwrng...the idea is that while right now you can't imagine anything that would be more satisfying than getting that person back, but one day it'll be the last thing you want. I guess a way to look ahead and know you'll get through it....?? Link to comment
SighSob Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 The idea really is whether or not the person comes back, you've actually progressed in your life and are no longer emotionally dependent on someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Insane amount of truth in this post. ^^ Link to comment
grymoire Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 In your case it was YOU that dumped him and started seeing other people. He did not know where he stood for atleast 4 months... You cannot expect him not to be vengeful when you call his gf as a ****ty girl. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Not all breakups are because someone doesn't care about you or because they are horrible. Sometimes people are confused, it doesn't mean they don't love the person. I did NOT see other people! I haven't dated at all for 1 year. And his gf ( he doesn't admit it's his gf) is not classy, everyone in this city knows it. It wasn't even a gf! They dated for 2 months and he was seeing me for 1 of these months. But this is childish, the girl has nothing to do with our story. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I am wondering why so many people feel such a sense of triumph at that thought? I mean, it is almost like a wish for revenge... "one day when I am over him/her, he/she may come chasing after me, and by then I won't want anything to do with him/her *chuckle*" Give me a single example where someone here has said that with the chuckle at the end. I feel that when I'm over my ex she may come back, but I highly doubt I'll want anything to do with her. No chuckle, no nothing. It's not me beating my chest, it's me drying my tears. She caused so many, why would I want to risk diving into that again? Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Simply its because those people rely on others for the validation of their own self worth. And the only way for them to reestablish their self esteem is to believe in the false sense of reality where they again are being held up by others. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Give me a single example where someone here has said that with the chuckle at the end. I feel that when I'm over my ex she may come back, but I highly doubt I'll want anything to do with her. No chuckle, no nothing. It's not me beating my chest, it's me drying my tears. She caused so many, why would I want to risk diving into that again? I don't have an example with the chuckle per se, but I see it a lot in people's testimonies, how they will be so happy the day their ex comes chasing back after them and they can finally reject them back. The way I see it is why would you wish upon someone that for now you want back are suffering over, to feel the same pain if they come after you once you have moved on? I agree with Knight... and Brazil girl... the people who leave you don't necessarilly "not give a crap about your feelings"... they are just going through their own stuff... they have not necessarilly done anything to hurt you on purpose... Brazil girl... I am not totally aware of your situation... Hope things work out ok for you. you are a beautiful girl BTW. Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Not all breakups are because someone doesn't care about you or because they are horrible. Sometimes people are confused, it doesn't mean they don't love the person. I did NOT see other people! I haven't dated at all for 1 year. And his gf ( he doesn't admit it's his gf) is not classy, everyone in this city knows it. It wasn't even a gf! They dated for 2 months and he was seeing me for 1 of these months. But this is childish, the girl has nothing to do with our story. You're viewing the whole thing through rose-tinted glasses. he finally decided he wants to be alone for a while (translation: with a * * * * ty girl). It feels like paybeck! As much as it makes me upset and hurting, the truth is he has every right not to want me back. But why play me around to come to that conclusion? If he cared that much, would he have "played you around" to come to that conclusion? When you do move on, you'll cringe for the straw grasping you did in the past. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 "If he cared that much, would he have "played you around" to come to that conclusion? When you do move on, you'll cringe for the straw grasping you did in the past. Trust me." Give her a chance. She is just trying to learn and heal. Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I don't mean to come off brash or rude, just a dose of reality. Sorry if I seem offensive. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I don't have an example with the chuckle per se, but I see it a lot in people's testimonies, how they will be so happy the day their ex comes chasing back after them and they can finally reject them back. The way I see it is why would you wish upon someone that for now you want back are suffering over, to feel the same pain if they come after you once you have moved on? I agree with Knight... and Brazil girl... the people who leave you don't necessarilly "not give a crap about your feelings"... they are just going through their own stuff... they have not necessarilly done anything to hurt you on purpose... Brazil girl... I am not totally aware of your situation... Hope things work out ok for you. you are a beautiful girl BTW. The people who say that are the people who are still in a lot of pain and are simply fantasizing about revenge. It is a passive way of getting revenge...because really, nobody knows how they will react to an ex coming back until the time comes. People who are in pain and talk about hoping the ex comes back when they are over them and have moved on are just hoping to be able to give payback. However, once they have healed and are no longer in pain, they may actually see things from a calmer perspective and want to reconcile...not out of a sense of desperation but out of a sense that it feels right. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 The people who say that are the people who are still in a lot of pain and are simply fantasizing about revenge. It is a passive way of getting revenge...because really, nobody knows how they will react to an ex coming back until the time comes. People who are in pain and talk about hoping the ex comes back when they are over them and have moved on are just hoping to be able to give payback. However, once they have healed and are no longer in pain, they may actually see things from a calmer perspective and want to reconcile...not out of a sense of desperation but out of a sense that it feels right. I like you... you have a lot of wisdom and I enjoy reading your posts. I agree with you... it's just that most of the time when I read it , it sounds like they are trying to LOOK like they are all ok about it... denial I guess... It's ok, they just need to do their healing, like everyone else. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 I don't mean to come off brash or rude, just a dose of reality. Sorry if I seem offensive. I don't know... I read part 1 of her I dumped him I want him back thread and she seems to be just doing the regular human thing that people do... didn't cheat or do anything seriously bad... I don't understand what you are giving her a hard time about... take care Link to comment
grymoire Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 When you do move on, you'll cringe for the straw grasping you did in the past. can you plz translate that into simple english? sorry, i have no idea what 'cringe for straw grasping' means... Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I'm being talked about here and I don't understand this grasping for straw either. I don't think you came as offensive, or anyone else. I think we are all trying to heal here. And as much as we expose here, nobody really knows what we went or are going through. btw- thanks for saying I'm beautiful =] ! I sure as hell don't feel it right now... I'm scared of leaving my picture but seriously, what are the odds someone I know will come here?? I got sent here from an online belgian friend. haha Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 The people who say that are the people who are still in a lot of pain and are simply fantasizing about revenge. It is a passive way of getting revenge...because really, nobody knows how they will react to an ex coming back until the time comes. People who are in pain and talk about hoping the ex comes back when they are over them and have moved on are just hoping to be able to give payback. However, once they have healed and are no longer in pain, they may actually see things from a calmer perspective and want to reconcile...not out of a sense of desperation but out of a sense that it feels right. Couldn't have put it better myself. I know that if I never heard from my ex again, I'd be fine with that. Too many problems to list, unless you feel like reading 500 posts about it. I don't look forward to the day she comes running back, if she does, because the relationship was just painful and I have that image of her burned into my head now, plus I doubt she'll get better any time soon. But never have I wanted payback or revenge on her. I wish her the best, and I leave it at that. The ones who chuckle at the end, I believe, are still bitter and feel wronged. I felt wronged for so long during the relationship that during that point I wished I could bust her. I wished I could've recorded the way she talked to me when my family or her family wasn't around and played it for people and watched their jaws drop. I went through that phase, but by the end, when I'd had enough and was about to end it, the animosity towards her faded. I felt good wishes for her. Wishes for her to get better, find someone she'd never talked down on or tried to manipulate or guilt-trip so that she could start a fresh relationship and watch as it blooms into love. I became fine with the fact that we were not meant to be. I've moved on, and I hope she does too. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 That's amazing. May I ask what she did /said that hurt you so much (to get an idea)... ONKLY if u are ok with it... I ask because I was mean to my ex sometimes, because I WAS HURTING inside, from my own fears and self-hatred. That is why now I do NOT want to be back together (neither does he tho) right now. the relationship brought me such a deep understanding and opportunity to heal. (I hope one day we can reconcile, we have talked a lot and are in very good terms but I want to do NC or very LC for now). anyway, I always appologised and I have acknowledged EVERYTHING and aske for forgiveness to myself, the universe, and of course him. I have looked deep into his eyes and ask him to tell me how he felt. Isaid I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, none of it was his fault, I hear his pain, and it was about my own stuff. For me, it was fear of rejection, feelings of worth;essness and guilt (from childhood) that lead me to behave badly, to push him away (example, by being critical and perfectionistic), so that he could confirm my sense of being worthless (or not good enough), and my feelings that I would be rejected any second and that I couldN,t relax and be loved and love in a realtionship. It was to much. Now he is gone and I get to do the work. I still love him deeply. I only want the best for him. And for myself. Has she ever apologised? Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 She apologized, but I'm not sure if I believe it. We broke up 3-4 times in the 15 months we were together because of her anger problems (she'd turn the slightest thing into a big argument and often times swear at me or kick me out of her place, among other things - I wrote quite a few posts about it - and this was in addition to the being critical and perfectionistic, behaving badly and anger problems (she'd throw or kick things over stupid things - I told her once that I was scared and she dismissed my feelings about it), trying to get me away from my family because she resented that I was close with her, etc. etc. She's apologized to me, my mom, my friend, all the while telling me how much she's hurting that I'm gone. She knew the day would come - I warned her many times. But we'd break up because of it, she'd apologize, I'd take her back and she'd do the same thing or be worse. I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't sleeping well anymore, I wasn't eating well, I dreaded seeing her, I dreaded opening my mouth around her. Whether it was her fears, her childhood or a chemical imbalance - I learned that I am not responsible for any of that, and that it's not a reason that I have to take the abuse. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 It sounds like me (her behavior) and my ex the way he became, (very upset, not slepping well, etc.). You are right you shouldn't take the abuse. I hope you heal and so does she. I wish the same for myself, and I wouldn't take my ex back at this point, becasue I do not fully trust yself to not go back to those behaviors (i didn,t throw and kick stuff, or name-call, but I would get angry and critial over stupid things and be harsh and perfectionnistic)... I hope one day to know deep within myself that I have changed, that I can have intimacy and that he is healed from what I did. He says he forgives me but ther eis still pain there. I am really sad about the whole thing, I feel extremelly powerless and remorseful. I hope one day we can be together again. he keeps telling me I dodn't ruin the relationship, but I feel like i did. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 That's good you wouldn't take him back at this point. It shows you want him to heal and want yourself to heal. My ex seems to want nothing more than me getting back with her, but right now. It's basically "Ok, I'm looking for help. Haven't really gotten any, but I'm trying. Can we get back together now?" Even if she were getting help, it's going to take a long time for that healing. I'm glad you realize that healing takes time. I can forgive her, as I have many times before, but I will never tell her that. If I tell her she's forgiven, she'll see it as me wanting to get back with her - I don't think she can separate the two. Your ex is right - the pain is still there. I wish you the best. I'm in NC and happiest that way, have been for over a month now. Since I can't/won't talk to her, talking to you seems to be the closest thing, since you say you were like her. And if you were (or still are), I hope you find LOVE. True love that turns your world inside out and upside down, whether it's with your ex or someone new doesn't matter, because I want you to be happy and overcome. I wish the same for her. Right now I have moments where I can't bear to think of her with someone else, possibly even right this minute. But it's fleeting, and I think that if she IS with someone good and she's truly found happiness, then it's not so bad. I know it's a tough thing to think about, and I know you'd hate for your ex to ignore you when you come around again down the line. In fact, I'm betting that's what inspired this thread, your worry about it happening to you, if it should. Maybe I'm wrong, but for some cases, there's a reason you have to stay away from your ex. Not out of fear for your life, maybe, but out of realization that we are who we are, and some things never change. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 I'm really scared I'll never be able to change, though I too am in therapy and am taking positive steps for myself. I have very high awareness of my wrongs and issues, and I know I am not ready to be back with him. we both agreed to take time to heal. If I could I'd take it all back and go through the pain for him, to spare him. we fell crazy in love, but little by little my fear of emeshment and abandonment surfaced, harder and harder. I went looking for help like crazy, I read a lot, I was online a lot, and one psychiatrist specialised in mood and personality disorders told me I had mild to moderate Borderline personality disorder. It hurts but I am getting help. I am still really good friends with my ex but he is seeing someone else. he also has issues, coming from war torn El salvador, and issues around abuse and abandonament. I guess he tried to help me instead of setting boundaries and helping himself. It became a dysfunctional relationship, both of us trying to parent the other, he the nurturing parent, I the critical parent... he is much younger than I am (he's 22 I'm 36), a high school drop out with dyslexia, back in adult high now. Still living with his single mom. but always worked hard as a hair stylist and helps his mom who is ganitor in their appartment building. He has the best heart. The timing is just wrong to be together. we both need to heal, so much. I'm jyst afraid we will never be back together, or worse, never be ok apart. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 1More, you sound more like my ex than I thought. Don't worry - whether you get back with him or not, one day you can be happy. You can be happy with different people - I don't believe that one single person was meant for you to be happy with. But don't focus so much on him, just take good, loving care of yourself. If you keep thinking "him, him" and someday it *just* so happens you find someone else or he finds someone else, it'll destroy you. The bottom line is you will be happy someday, and he will be happy someday. Maybe together, maybe not. Doesn't mean you have to stop loving them or thinking of them. Happiness - what more could you ask for the one you love? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.