Not really cheating... Part 2

[thomas more]

So, Some of you may have read part one where I explained that a woman that I was permitted by my wife to have a sexual encounter with had taken up with a neighbor and I was concerned about his behaviour toward her and upset that she was being treated like that. Many of you offered helpful advise including that it was really none of my concern etc.

 

I'm writing this as follow up. I had not given up on finding what I could about the guy. My gut has been going nuts about it and I had to find what I could. I found out that his so-called business was not legit, I found out his real name and from that research I found out that in 2003 he was indicted by a grand jury for, attempted criminal deviate sexual conduct, sexual battery and criminal confinement.

 

It was a woman who lived in the same appartment building as he did. He owned a cafe and she came in for a job interview. He convinced her to have 4 drinks and then go for a ride to get cigs. He fondled her, exposed himself, forced her to touch him, refused to pull over when the girl asked, tossed her $100.00 and said it was her's if she did what he wanted. Parked in a spot where she could not get out and continued his actions.

 

An arrest warrant was issued and he had not turned himself in. If convicted, he faces 26 years.

 

Having found this item, I called the police department where the incident took place and gave an officer his current address and information in detail. The officer asked me to hold while he did something and then told me he would get right on it. I have a feeling this means the warrent is still out there.

 

I realize that an indictment is not a conviction. He may not have had his day in court to be proven guilty. However, the pattern as described in the story is a close match to what I've been told he is like. A term he used was quoted in the story, was something he said to my friend.

 

Now, the question is, do I present this information to my wife now, even with her having accused me of making contact with this guy, trying to get him to go away from my friend? She tied that to what she sees as my being in love with her.

 

If I tell my wife, she would likely tell our friend what we know about him. And, be pissed at me for researching him. At the same time, everyone should be happy that our friend can make a good decision to be safe.

 

Help? Do I tell my wife now, or just let the arrest happen?

[Ac143]

Im sorry but regardless of what this man did & what he did was disgusting! - IT was NONE of your business - You sound crazy (sorry but you do) for doing soooo much research on him & the only reason you did it was so this OW wouldn't spend anymore time with him & hopefully start coming to see you when he is "gone"

 

You have crossed that line...so I suggest not telling your wife, if you want to save your marriage.

[LBP]

I totally disagree with the above poster. If what he says is true, it doesn't matter what his motives are. If his gut told him that this guy is bad news, then I give him praise for trusting that instinct and hopefully saving this OW from a potentially dangerous situation.

 

This is one of those times where periphery situations, ie, your marriage, come second. The health and safety of your friend, no matter what her relationship is to you, are paramount. Potentially obsessive behavior is justified when the fears bear fruit. Act upon what you have learned.

 

That said, I would have counselled you just as the others did, had I read your earlier post. By and large, not good conduct. After your friend is safe, it becomes another matter entirely.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Get thee to a marriage counselor now.

 

You need to stop focusing on this other women. Maybe she likes bad boys. And if he goes to jail, she'll just replace him with a new one. Or be angry at you for having him put in jail. Or tell him you're the one who put him in jail, so he hires a hit man to come take care of you.

 

You are messing in areas that are way, way over your head. I suggest you focus on your wife and family, and cut all contact with this other woman. None of this is healthy for you and your family, and this other woman is old enough to decide who she does and does not want to associate with.

 

I suggest you tell no one what you did, and let it stand as an anonymous tip to the police.

 

You need to see a counselor now.

[lostandhurt]

Do the ends justify the means? He does need to be brought to justice for the sake of the community but that is where you need to stop. What happens when she starts seeing another guy? You need to focus all the attention you have put into this into your marriage.

No matter you intentions your wife and "friend" will find it upsetting. Do yourself a favor and don't tell anyone.

 

lost

[LBP]

I honestly cannot believe that people are supporting the aiding and abetting of a wanted criminal. That's madness. What, let him go because there might be negative repurcussions?!

 

I don't understand this at all! This isn't about protecting yourself, this is about protecting the public. Jesus, what if he rapes this woman?

[Tethryn]

I agree that it was the right thing to do, I would think of her more as a person that could have been harmed than friend if I were you though. Just be happy that you did a good thing. But if you did out of jealousy or some such, you still did a good thing, but I would still go to counceling...

[Ac143]

I honestly cannot believe that people are supporting the aiding and abetting of a wanted criminal. That's madness. What, let him go because there might be negative repurcussions?!

 

I don't understand this at all! This isn't about protecting yourself, this is about protecting the public. Jesus, what if he rapes this woman?

 

What the other guy did was wrong & needs to be put behind bars...YES I AGREE WITH THIS! But what if this guy is innocent?? He hasn't gone to court yet has he?

 

The whole point was the OP was just digging & digging for stuff to find on this guy...when he had no right to in the first place. Would you like some stranger doing nonstop research on you? I wouldnt & I never did anything illegal. He should be focusing on his wife & marriage and NOT his OW and who she is or isn't doing! I believe he only did it because he doesn't like the fact that this OW is having sex with the other guy and NOT him.

 

I dont know many people that woud do THIS much research on someone just for the heck of it. There has to be some motive behind it.

 

Either way - I believe a marriage counselor is definitely needed at this point.

[LBP]

Be that as it may, he did discover something, assuming that the person in question is who the OP says he is (if not, only the OP looks bad). This man was called to a grand jury and instead of obeying the law, he left town. YES. HE IS GUILTY OF THAT. IT IS A CRIME.

 

Digging into a person's background is not, in and of itself, a good thing. This time, it resulted in a positive outcome. For now, it's justified. I would never support this activity in a friend, but if he came accross something serious I would still do my utmost to make sure that the authorities are aware.

 

who cares why. It's like saying that because you were first spying on your wife to make sure she isn't cheating on you and as a result witnessed a burglary, you should say nothing because your motives aren't necessarily pure. Or, as someone else has remarked, say nothing because it could jeopardize your own well being/safety. It's not like he's taking down a mafia boss. He's helping the police put a possible sex offender before the court to which he was called. End of story.

 

What happens afterward is immaterial to the fact that this woman is in danger and that action is necessary.

[Ac143]

LBP - I understand what you are saying, I do but I dont agree...its a case of ...we have to agree to disagree.

 

Since he already reported this to the authority its not really the question if he should or shouldn't have. Its done - me & u would do two obviously different things. For one I would never even get myself this "far" into this love triangle but that's ME.

 

I am wondering WHY did he felt he had to dig so deep into this guys background?? Who does this?? Without ANY real reason? This guy is a complete stranger to him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

LBP, you didn't read carefully. We said put it in as an ANONYMOUS tip. He can still help the police bring the guy to justice, but should not jeopardize himself or his family by blabbling to the criminal's lover that he's the one who turned the guy in.

 

If you read his prior thread, his problem is he is in love with another woman who is NOT his wife and jealous of the criminal his lover is sleeping with. So this is not a noble gesture on his part, but an act of jealousy and self interest.

 

And he's trying to stop his lover from having her own lover. There is nothing noble about any of this, and he needs to take care of his own family and wife, and leave this other woman and anyone she associates with alone.

[LBP]

I'm not saying that the OP is a saint. The OW still has a right to know what she's getting herself into. If after that she's still keen, well, what can you do? ASSUMING all this is true. If the OP is making it all up, then what we say won't make a difference anyway.

[thomas more]

Thanks for some of the supportive comments. After pondering the risks, I decided to present my information to my wife and do further research with her permission. Turns out the did time for it. A year and a half and is a lifetime registered sex offender for it. We decided that the wife should have this talk with her, woman to woman and let our friend decide what she needed to do, and offer any support we can. If she decides to stay with him and continue the relationship, we will terminate our's with her. If she is able to find a way out from this, well, we will see.

 

I decided that in the end, no matter what pain I might endure or what my wife and I had to overcome from this, not having someone I care deeply about her safety be in any danger. And I think he is a danger. My wife agrees. Only our friend can make this decision, with information we present. We have had a lot of time to talk about this, and in the end I'm glad I talked to my wife. Open and honest communications was the best route.

 

Peace

[tangi39]

I think the OW could have taken care of herself. (How do you know she didn't know? Maybe he told her ?)

Regardless of what this man did or did not do- (How do you know he hasn't paid his debt to society and moved on ?) It was not your place to go digging for information. I really don't think the OW is going to appreciate this.

 

Please see a marriage counselor, you seem to be putting far more effort into this OW than you are into your own wife. Have you ever extensively researched the background of the OM your wife was sleeping with ?? I'm sure there has been at least one that had some sort of criminal history.

[thomas more]

Thanks to the few who offered helpful suggestions. It seemed that the vote was against telling her.

 

Well, she was told and was not aware of his status or the nature of his crime. She was aware he had had some trouble with the law but made it out as no big deal. She asked for the details and drew lines of what he was like with her to the details of the report. She has decided that for her safety she will be withdrawing her contact with him in such a way that it does not put her in any peril. She was happy to have the information and that we had found it and given it to her, since she was unable to do any research herself. She did not feel we were meddling, but watching out for her safety. Yes, it was her responsiblity to do so.

 

In the end, telling her was the right thing to do and she will be safer for it.

 

I do not seek further comment on this.