dont know what to call this. not over my ex, want her back. not the same person since she left.

[blueknight]

hi forum members, i dont really know where to start.

 

Some history

my ex girlfriend left me in april of last year. we were madly in love and wanted to get married etc etc. we had an age difference tho, she was 19 and i was 27 and her parents are strictly religious and uptight and such. she eventually left because of that reason (they never knew about us), she was afraid they would disown her. she kept her past boyfriends secret from them in general. But the age difference between us made it a much different situation. when we broke up it was emotional, we were still in love and she said like "maybe it's just not the right time, if we never get back together just know thatyou will always be in my heart." i said something sweet to her (i dont recall what) and she said "god forbid i don't end up marrying you". so it was real. i say this because i posted here way back when about this situation, and people just started telling me maybe it was a lie/bull*** and there was someone else.

 

the problem is after our break-up she still missed me and we'd talk. But i wasnt the same person anymore. after our break up, in my head, i thought to myself, if i can just stay the witty/funny, storytelling, loving/understanding person i am with her then im sure we'll end up together in the end. (and i'm quite sure that's true, she said i was the first and only person she ever felt like she had everything she ever wanted, etc etc). so with that in mind i was TRYING to be funny, fun, whatever. and all i did was make a fool out of myself. i became corny and..basically a clown and embarrassed myself. i knew i was doing yet couldnt stop "trying too hard" as she eventually put it, because i kept being afraid that too much time would pass and she'd forget i kept trying to stay in there to remind her, the knowledge of how much of an unnattractive chump i was making myself only made me try harder to overcompensate and i only made more of dork of myself. all i ever did was make it worse. long story short after all this and the time that's passed. her feelings for me are all but gone. ive never been able to be the person she fell in love with (at least when im talking to her) again.

 

there's plenty more details, but i won't write them all and bore you. i'll add them in conversation if they're nessacary. one detail worth mentioning is that it was a long distance relationship and now we almost always ONLY talk online. ive been going thru this for an F'n YEAR! and i just think if i could let go maybe i could have myself back again. but i only want to let go because i WANT HER BACK! i dont want to let go. i dont want to force myself to forget, like she did. (with the help of me not being the person she loved anymore anyway)

 

PS: i hope i dont offend anyone but im not interested in hearing any alpha-male BS (toughen up, you wussed out, etc). or for someone to tell me that she was a liar about why she had to leave. i know the girl i loved. certainly better than anyone else on here. i don't have the energy to prove any of that.

 

i just don't know what to do or even what im asking and i feel helpless to make anything better with her. im so broken and tired. but i do NOT want to give up. ive given up in the past with exes, the easy way was just to avoid the ex altogether, and it was only so i wouldnt be in pain. but all that ended up doing was turning us into strangers with such a huge distance between us that the past became too far past. i can't live with just running away or "forgetting about it" i want us back, and i want ME back. i want at least to be the me that she loved so she will remember, we never needed to break up. and never wanted to. we could have had a chance. i don't want to just live with it all just fading away. i can't live with that. (im not talking suicide here, i just mean its not acceptable for me to live with giving up on something too important for me to give up on and take the easy way out) i just need to be me again with her. if a relationship still never happens i'll at least know that i was the best i could be and the magic is there again. and rest we can only try for.

 

please help. im so broken. ive tried to let go, tried to find some aloofness, tried to not be "trying too hard"....tried to find whatever i was that she fell in love with. i know why she was in love with me. i just dont know to be me again

[waveseer]

Your story is heartbreaking. My only advice is to stay in contact but let go of the outcome so you can relax and be your best self.

[catfeeder]

How often are you in contact? If it's often, you may want to rethink that. It's hard to respect someone who will dangle around hoping for scraps of attention. If you opt for low contact, you're more likely to learn how to focus on living again--and you'll get your Self back.

 

This limbo thing isn't good for either of you. Your insecurity will kill all hope if you don't loosen your grip and demo to her that you can embrace a healthy, well-rounded life that does not revolve around her.

 

Without respect, you can't keep love alive. Without independence and health and confidence and abundant living, you can't hold respect.

 

I'd lean into trusting 'whatever is meant to be' and start living your life full throttle--and minimal contact with her. If that sounds counter-intuitive, consider how well a tight grip has been working for you. Decide right.

 

In your corner.

[rbr85]

I'm going to give you my advice, and you're probably not going to like what I have to say but here it goes.

 

Some history

my ex girlfriend left me in april of last year. we were madly in love and wanted to get married etc etc. we had an age difference tho, she was 19 and i was 27 and her parents are strictly religious and uptight and such. she eventually left because of that reason (they never knew about us), she was afraid they would disown her. she kept her past boyfriends secret from them in general.

 

Keeping you a secret? Now, that's a major red flag right there. It's also a sign that perhaps you're settled for less than you should. It doesn't matter so much the circumstances of why you two broke up, the fact isn't she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. You might be thinking, "Well she did want to be with me, but we had to break up because this, this, and that and it was out of our control." The fact is, if she REALLY wanted to be with you she would. It's not such much important the content of what she says, most of what we say is without substantive content. It's the underlying message, it's the words that jive with her actions that you need to listen to.

 

.............

 

the problem is after our break-up she still missed me and we'd talk. But i wasnt the same person anymore. after our break up, in my head, i thought to myself, if i can just stay the witty/funny, storytelling, loving/understanding person i am with her then im sure we'll end up together in the end. (and i'm quite sure that's true, she said i was the first and only person she ever felt like she had everything she ever wanted, etc etc). so with that in mind i was TRYING to be funny, fun, whatever. and all i did was make a fool out of myself. i became corny and..basically a clown and embarrassed myself. i knew i was doing yet couldnt stop "trying too hard" as she eventually put it, because i kept being afraid that too much time would pass and she'd forget i kept trying to stay in there to remind her, the knowledge of how much of an unnattractive chump i was making myself only made me try harder to overcompensate and i only made more of dork of myself. all i ever did was make it worse. long story short after all this and the time that's passed. her feelings for me are all but gone. ive never been able to be the person she fell in love with (at least when im talking to her) again.

 

It's called a break up, because it's broken. What you were doing is you were trying to seek her approval, and in trying to "win" her back you actually sacrificed your self respect, and your integrity as a man. Paradoxically in trying to BE YOURSELF, you did anything but be yourself. If you were feeling angry, sad, resentful inside and yet you put on a dog and pony show to win her heart back you were being deceitful. You were lying to yourself, and her. In your head you created the covert contract, "If I act a certain way, and do the right things, then I will win her heart back." Did you feel angry, and depressed when your plan didn't work out? You tried to manipulate her back to you by not being honest about your intentions, and there is no amount of words, jokes, or anything you can do to make her love you. Imagine if your roles were switch, would you find these kind of dirty tactics attractive coming from her? So you recognize, what maladaptive behaviors you engage in. I'll list them below.

 

Your behaviors

 

1. Neediness

2. Approval-seeking

3. Covert Contracts

 

Now, really this is ALL ABOUT YOU. Not her. You need to understand, WHY you felt so strongly you needed to control this situation. And it's NOT because you were in love with her. I don't doubt that loved her one bit. But when you love someone, you are honest and transparent. When you love someone, you don't NEED them, but they help you in meeting your needs. So what need are you NOT meeting for yourself, that you expect her to meet for you? Do you believe that it's other peoples responsibility to meet your needs? You are vicariously defining who YOU ARE through her. Do you think any human being wants to take on the responsibility of somebody else's identity?

 

FEAR.

 

You are afraid. Of what? Perhaps, a fear abandonment? Perhaps, that you can't make it on your own without her? What are you afraid of? Understand that the more you cling to this girl, the more it suggests that there is a part of you that's missing. But here's the kicker, only you can fill the void, not her. You need to find what's missing, and provide that need for yourself rather than clinging to someone who has long closed the door behind you less you want to delve into insanity.

 

there's plenty more details, but i won't write them all and bore you. i'll add them in conversation if they're nessacary. one detail worth mentioning is that it was a long distance relationship and now we almost always ONLY talk online. ive been going thru this for an F'n YEAR! and i just think if i could let go maybe i could have myself back again. but i only want to let go because i WANT HER BACK! i dont want to let go. i dont want to force myself to forget, like she did. (with the help of me not being the person she loved anymore anyway)

 

You don't want her back for HER. You want her back for YOU. If you loved her, and truly cared about her you would not be trying to burden her with the insurmountable task of making you whole. You need to take responsibility for yourself, your own feelings and your own needs. It's okay to feel the way that you do, feel the pain, feel the fear, and learn from it instead of clinging to the past. You need to let go, not for her. You need to let go for YOURSELF. Unless you are 100% a person on your own, you have nothing to give to others. True love gives, without expecting anything in return. You want something in return. Your giving is with strings attached. Instead, give to yourself, spoil yourself, and make yourself happy. Imagine if you directed all the energy you spend pining over her into making yourself a better person? I bet you'd be quite attractive to many women.

 

 

PS: i hope i dont offend anyone but im not interested in hearing any alpha-male BS (toughen up, you wussed out, etc). ...................

 

i just don't know what to do or even what im asking and i feel helpless to make anything better with her. im so broken and tired. but i do NOT want to give up. ive given up in the past with exes, the easy way was just to avoid the ex altogether, and it was only so i wouldnt be in pain. but all that ended up doing was turning us into strangers with such a huge distance between us that the past became too far past. i can't live with just running away or "forgetting about it" i want us back, and i want ME back. i want at least to be the me that she loved so she will remember, we never needed to break up. and never wanted to. we could have had a chance. i don't want to just live with it all just fading away. i can't live with that. (im not talking suicide here, i just mean its not acceptable for me to live with giving up on something too important for me to give up on and take the easy way out) i just need to be me again with her. if a relationship still never happens i'll at least know that i was the best i could be and the magic is there again. and rest we can only try for.

 

This part of your post alarms me the most. You start off by denigrating the "alpha-male"., There's a reason in nature that the alpha male mates with the most women. He is the leader, he does not seek the approval of other males or females, and he acts decisively to make his own needs a priority. And yes, you are being a wuss. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means you need to learn from this experience. Everything you've wrote in this post rings true with experiences I've been through in the past, it's scary how much of me I see in you.

 

Again you are defining yourself through her. IT'S NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE YOUR NEEDS ARE MET, IT'S YOURS. Until you learn to seek approval from within, and make meeting your needs your priority you will be unhappy. Letting go is not "taking the easy way out". Letting go is accepting what is, accepting what you can not change. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER FEELINGS FOR YOU. You do not have control over this, and in trying to do so you simply disrespect her autonomy as a human being. By not letting go, you are attempting an exercise in the impossible trying to control what is not yours. Letting go is not surrender, it is not "giving up". Giving up, is what you're doing right now. You've given up on yourself. You given up so much of yourself, that's there little for her or much less any one else to be attracted to right now. But you can change that. You can take positive action in your life.

 

 

please help. im so broken. ive tried to let go, tried to find some aloofness, tried to not be "trying too hard"....tried to find whatever i was that she fell in love with. i know why she was in love with me. i just dont know to be me again

 

You've tried everything to get her back, and nothing to get yourself back. You're focused on an external locus of control. Meaning, you surrender all your personal power, and inner strength to things outside of you. If you really love this girl, let her go, let go of these unhealthy attachments that are no longer working for you. Tell her that it is not in your best interest to be speaking at the moment, because you need to heal within. By clinging to past attachments, you are reliving that past. And every day you relive the past, you are denying the present. The present moment is all that you have, the past can't be changed, and the future isn't happening yet. Within that presense YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL.

 

You never really let her go, because your intention is "letting her go" or being aloof was to somehow win her back. You didn't do it FOR YOU. You have to accept reality, accept what is, and stop trying to control and change it. Then you will have finally let go.

 

You are stronger than you think. You just choose to direct your energy to in ways that are not constructive to yourself. You must redirect that energy to meeting your own needs, addressing your own issues, and then you regain your personal power, then you "find yourself" again.

[blueknight]

Thank you so much rbr for such a thought-out reply....my responses

 

 

 

Keeping you a secret? Now, that's a major red flag right there. It's also a sign that perhaps you're settled for less than you should.

 

as far as me settling, well i certainly understand. girl who can't be with me, who is still letting her parents run her life, etc. unfortunately im smart enough to understand and be forgiving of it. she's a very scared little girl, and i can't blame her knowing how she grew up. it would be wrong to do so. but the happiness i felt with her, the magic and chemistry was too great to call it settling. but being that that isn't there anymore, it certainly is settling, yes i need to let go. it could come back to me. but suffering won't help it. if things change in the future and she could give me a real relationship i'd end up having the best and being the happiest man alive. and in that case i wouldnt be settling. but yes things are as they are now. and that's what i need to deal with.

 

She kept it a secret because dating wasn't allowed by her parents.

 

You might be thinking, "Well she did want to be with me, but we had to break up because this, this, and that and it was out of our control." The fact is, if she REALLY wanted to be with you she would.

 

Have to understand that she lived a really sheltered life with the kind of parents that think harry potter is from the devil. she really wanted to be with me. the actual love and magic between us actually faded AFTER our break-up. the actual break-up was as real and emotional as the rest of our relationship. filled with i love you's, god forbid we don't end up together. we both had a hard time letting go. she eventually proved to be better at it than me obviously. of course, she WANTED to let it go, it was her WILL to put it in the past. it wasn't mine. when we talked about it and i'd refer to the situation as she wants this, she would ALWAYS correct me. and say "need to" not "want to". as i write this i get so sad about that time. but also just want to love her (for her). i have tears in my eyes right now. she was so scared. and it hurt her too. i just want to hug her right now and wish i could've make it better. it was a sad time.

 

She feared her parents would disown her. She did really want to be with me, and it took months for her feelings to fade, she'd pop up here and there to talk to me the same way we used to (sing songs and joke around) i knew that she was missing me like i was missing her and AT LEAST just wanted to talk (more on my side of that situtation in moment) a month or two after she told how there's just something about me, and no-one else is like me, etc. and we'd talk on the phone a couple times, and one time she asked me to sing her one of our songs (i used to sing her to sleep) and i did. a week later i asked her about it cuz me being the doosh i'd become i figured there wasnt any attraction to me left. i asked her if it was just the songs she missed, like, the affection, the love, and she said no it was everything. i dont recall how but i blew that window of opportunity just because i was so self consious and afraid of being "the ex bf who she DIDN't want trying to cling and get her back." im sure i was still making a dork out of myself and was afraid to be real. (it's painful to think about this time). i think she was really thinking still about if we could end up together still in the end, although i knew it wouldnt happen right then but still maybe in the future. but me being the way i'd become (tho not all the time, but probably a little too much) means she couldnt have me back anyway, because ME wasn't there to be had anymore..that's how it slowly dwindled.

 

 

It's called a break up, because it's broken. What you were doing is you were trying to seek her approval, and in trying to "win" her back you actually sacrificed your self respect, and your integrity as a man. Paradoxically in trying to BE YOURSELF, you did anything but be yourself.

 

I absolutely know this and it was most infuriating trap to get myself stuck into. I'm still in it.

 

 

Did you feel angry, and depressed when your plan didn't work out?

 

absolutely, and it because i left something...not sure fully what...in her hands. feelings about myself? happiness? my heart? maybe all of the above. should i not be doing this i can probably still be a good person in her life. without depending on her loving me. thinking good of me etc. but how? this is what i know and where i've been wanting to go but how how how is the question i haven't been able to answer. "love yourself" is so vague. move on is so vague. even let go is too vague to me. and the biggest problem is coming to the shift where i WANT to let go. for ME, as you said. until i do nothing changes as i see it. but i have no idea how to come to that shift.

 

 

FEAR.

 

You are afraid. Of what? Perhaps, a fear abandonment? Perhaps, that you can't make it on your own without her? What are you afraid of? Understand that the more you cling to this girl, the more it suggests that there is a part of you that's missing. But here's the kicker, only you can fill the void, not her. You need to find what's missing, and provide that need for yourself rather than clinging to someone who has long closed the door behind you less you want to delve into insanity.

 

I am afraid. last night i wrote out some feelings, everything anger i still have towards her. all the ways ive been hurt, and all that im afraid of.

 

"im afraid i'll never find anything that will make me so happy again. i'm afraid I'll never find anything that will make me feel so complete and whole again. I'm afraid that I'll never find someone who will make me feel so attractive again. I don't know if i'm strong enough/good enough to get such a strong, beautiful and awesome woman again."

 

how's that for honesty? so yea you're right.

 

 

 

 

This part of your post alarms me the most. You start off by denigrating the "alpha-male"., There's a reason in nature that the alpha male mates with the most women. He is the leader, he does not seek the approval of other males or females, and he acts decisively to make his own needs a priority. And yes, you are being a wuss. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means you need to learn from this experience.

 

I don't mean to denigrate the alpha-male, i understand very much the nature of alpha male and it's importance. I know that exactly what i lost was those alpha male qualities i had. I just didn't want anyone to be heartless, intolerant etc, with their advice. "toughen up" for example would've been useless invalidating advice that i've heard before. i was in a really rough place last night (and i'm sure it won't be last time) but the last thing i needed were people who were disgusted/repulsed/condemning me for weakness, etc. (i'm not bothered that you said that tho. since i know you're coming from a constructive place)

 

Everything you've wrote in this post rings true with experiences I've been through in the past, it's scary how much of me I see in you.

 

this tempts me to ask you how this TRUE change really occurred for you. because i want this change within. like i mentioned above, until it's about me it's not letting her go. not me becoming more whole. how did that kind of change really happen for you? i want it to happen for me. This is the most important question question in my reply to you.

 

 

 

 

You never really let her go, because your intention is "letting her go" or being aloof was to somehow win her back. You didn't do it FOR YOU. You have to accept reality, accept what is, and stop trying to control and change it. Then you will have finally let go.

 

Yes, that's what i was trying to say. letting go is just a "technique" that i was/am using to in order to win her back. which isn't letting go at all. and that technique could have been described as me trying not to think about her, and when i catch myself thinking about trying to impress her, just trying to shift my focus somewhere else. but it hasn't fully worked. and/or there's more to it then just that. controlling my focus is controlling what is, not changing it. hm

[blueknight]

ready2heal thank you for understanding. sometimes it can be really meaningful just to have someone say "youre story is heartbreaking".

 

yes it was/is heartbreaking, i'm heartbroken.

 

thank you for seeing it.

[rbr85]

blueknight, the fact is if she had to keep you a secret she wasn't available to you. The reasons don't matter so much. You're making excuses for her behavior, and trying to rationalize the situation instead of asking yourself, "Was I able to get my relationship needs met in this situation?" Yes you can sympathize and feel for other people, but you need to put yourself first and make yourself a priority. Have you ever sat down and asked yourself what your relationship needs are? Now did you get them met with her? You think of the world as a place of scarcity, when it is not. The world is a place of abundance, and there are a million other women out there who would love to date you and not have to keep you a secret.

 

 

Making excuses for staying in a halfway relationship isn't going to cut it. Maybe her parents were fundies, and she grew up in a repressive environment. There's nothing you can do about that. If she wants to leave that way of life behind, it's her choice. She was 19 years old when you met her, she's an adult. She can make those decisions for herself. "I want to be with you, but I need to not be with you" leads you to the same result as "I don't want to be with you". Like I said, don't pay attention to the content so much of what she's saying, PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE ACTUALLY DOES. And she left. People love the attention, but their actions have to jive with their words. You're only torturing yourself, and you have no one else to blame. Stop living in fairy tale land! Earth to blueknight!

 

absolutely, and it because i left something...not sure fully what...in her hands. feelings about myself? happiness? my heart? maybe all of the above. should i not be doing this i can probably still be a good person in her life. without depending on her loving me. thinking good of me etc. but how? this is what i know and where i've been wanting to go but how how how is the question i haven't been able to answer. "love yourself" is so vague. move on is so vague. even let go is too vague to me. and the biggest problem is coming to the shift where i WANT to let go. for ME, as you said. until i do nothing changes as i see it. but i have no idea how to come to that shift.

 

If you can't understand the concept of loving yourself, then how do you understand the concept of loving her or anyone else for that matter? Loving yourself, means taking responsibilty for getting your needs met, owning your feelings, and taking ACTION to ensure your own wellbeing. Other people can help you along the way, and would love to help you in getting your needs met, but they can not do that because as long as you continue to deny responsibility for getting your own needs met... you've closed the door to them.

 

THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU! Don't you get it? You are clinging to her for YOU, not for her! You need to stop being a martyr, and a victim of circumstance. You create your own reality! You are the master of your own destiny! Basically, what you're saying to me sounds like... you have no idea what to do to get your own needs met without her. Well....

 

I am afraid. last night i wrote out some feelings, everything anger i still have towards her. all the ways ive been hurt, and all that im afraid of.

 

"im afraid i'll never find anything that will make me so happy again. i'm afraid I'll never find anything that will make me feel so complete and whole again. I'm afraid that I'll never find someone who will make me feel so attractive again. I don't know if i'm strong enough/good enough to get such a strong, beautiful and awesome woman again."

 

how's that for honesty? so yea you're right.

 

Each one of these things you've listed above are based in your own toxic shame. They're based in the idea that some how there is something deficient about yourself that isn't up to par with the rest of society. What you need to do is develop new cognitions to challenge these old beliefs. For example, don't you have a hobby? Football? Video games? Etc...? Do something that you enjoy doing, do something to spoil yourself that will make you feel happy. Make yourself feel attractive! Get a hair cut, get some new clothes! You've put her on a pedestal, and as long as you think of her as the most beautiful and strong woman you'll ever have, you're right!

 

Whether you think you can, or you can't you're right.

 

All of your fear boils down to one thing, "I can't handle it." What if you were alone for the rest of your life? (You won't be I guarantee you, but it's just a hypthetical) Don't think you could handle it? Here's your new mantra,

 

"No matter what, I can handle it." NO MATTER WHAT! Remember that part, it's important. Whenever you feel the anxiety, the depression, whenever you recognize the negative self-talk, tell yourself no matter what I can handle it. Remind yourself that you're "Perfectly okay, just the way you are" You are able to recognize your negative self-talk, you've already taken the first step in recovery. The thing about this negative self-talk is... it's not rational. As a matter of fact it's actually less likely to be true than positive self-talk. Your self-talk then reflects itself upon your feelings, and emanates in the energy you give off the world.

 

Challenge your negative beliefs about yourself, you will have to consciously challenge them, WHILE doing things to better yourself. Including exercise, eating well, finding a new hobby, finding new friends, etc... See something going on here? Talk, even positive self-talk has to jive with your actions for it to work! Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, understand that your feelings won't kill you. They're just feelings, feel them fully. Feel the pain, and embrace it. Use the pain as a motivator to better yourself. Remember you create your own reality. What I mean by this is two different people can be in the same situation, and one can see it as a blessing and the other as a curse. What makes the difference? One loves themselves, and has a positive outlook, the other a negative. Loving oneself is a learned process, and it's something you can do.

 

this tempts me to ask you how this TRUE change really occurred for you. because i want this change within. like i mentioned above, until it's about me it's not letting her go. not me becoming more whole. how did that kind of change really happen for you? i want it to happen for me. This is the most important question question in my reply to you.

 

I dated a girl with borderline personality disorder was abused, and then later entered into another abusive relationship. These relationships left me a shell of a man. I was miserable, and could hardly function or move. I lost my identity, I forgot what it was to be me because I tried so much to make these women happy who just walked all over me.

 

I went to jail on drug charges, had suicidal thoughts for a while, spent a year or two in deep depression, and found myself hooked on antidepressant meds. I chose not to love myself, I chose to beat myself up and be a victim, a martyr.

 

I remember when I first went to therapy, all I wanted to talk about was how my ex-girlfriend was such a b#tch, and how she mistreated me. The therapist kept redirecting the conversation back to the topic of MYSELF. I was frustrated and angry. I didn't want to talk about me, I wanted to talk about them.

 

Eventually I came to an incredible realization. They didn't do this to me, and I wasn't a victim of circumstance. I CHOOSE THIS. I allowed them to treat me like that. I trained them to treat me like that. I could sit there and blame them all day, but the fact is those women were just as broken as I was. I finally realized that it wasn't all there fault. That there was something about me that needed to change. It was a scary thought, because I always thought everyone else around me was messed up in the head. But no, I realized if I ever wanted to be happy I needed to start owning up to taking care of myself, and not trying to hide who I was to make other people happy. I realized that I was allowed to be angry! I was allowed to have feelings! It was okay to feel bad! That I didn't have to pretend to be happy, to make her any girl happy! I realized what a wuss I'd become in trying to do things the "right" way and become a control freak, I lost myself. I couldn't stand to wake up another day and despise myself. I remembered what it was like to feel good inside, and I just wanted to feel good again. I realized the only way I could do that, the only way I could be relationship material to anyone, and to live a satisfying life was to take on the daunting task of learning to love myself. The same self who I looked in the mirror, and felt like was a stranger staring back to me. The same self who I viewed as a person with all of his disgusting vices, with his horrid dark side, with his pathetic wretched like behavior.... who could love this person? I could dammit! I wanted to, because dammit everyone else had left me so I was all I had! As a matter of fact, the more I started to like myself the more I couldn't believe that I actually believed those negative things about myself! And the more I started to like myself, the more other people started to gravitate toward me as well! As odd as it sounds, I had to learn how to be myself.

 

Read my old threads that I started here. You will see a lot of what I'm talking about, and where I've come since then. I will PM you information on a book with exercises that have literally saved my life. I promise you, that this book will absolutely shake your world to it's core and perhaps give you a new found outlook on life. You will make it through this, but your priority right now is you, not her. She has already left you, you're all you've got, are you going to abandon yourself as well? People will come and go in your life, but you have to live with yourself forever so it's time to start learning to like yourself.

 

And let me tell you, it's not easy. By no means do I claim to be living the ideal life, though I am much happier now than I have been before. I struggle everyday with my negative self talk, my anxiety, and I go through bouts of self-loathing. But no matter what I keep my resolve never to give up on myself, and to keep making my needs a priority.

[UserLain]

This is blueknight, the OP, new username. anyway it's been a long time. She and I still talk occasionally, I've at least stopped embarrassing myself in front of her. It's friendly and nice, but I never stay too long cuz i always end up feeling like im gonna say or do something stupid like I used to. She's open and welcoming generally. The problem is me. It's still me. The conversation goes well, and I bail before it gets bad. I'm not a part of her life, not a regular part like I otherwise could be. I see her come and go and it kills me that im not talking to her cuz i'm just not in the right place with myself or something.

 

So many more opportunities with her have come and gone cuz i simply don't STAY. The problem is me and i need to figure it out. I Hope to do that here. There's a lot to say about things that have gone on. but i don't think I have the energy for all the details at the moment. All I can say is, to this day, still over a year later. I still want no-one more than her.

 

I still haven't gotten that book. because it's not in my store, i haven't wanted to pay that amazon shipping, oh wait, actually i think i DL'd the pdf recently. so I'll finally take a look, thanks rbr.

[paintedblue]

Hey blueknight man I can relate and have or still do feel the same way you do and its such a sad feeling. But I read rbr

s replies and wow man its harsh to hear but their words hit me personally as well. Its so true.