Why is it so hard?

[penelope13]

Having been on ENA for some time now, I have seen many threads where the OP is describing his/ her problem and my first thought is: why don't you talk to your SO about this?

 

I'd like to understand why this doesn't seem to be the most obvious thing to do. Why is the thought of talking about an issue that you have with your SO such a frightening thought?

 

Is our culture, our expectations, or social pressure so high to have a seemingly perfect relationship that people only consider it as a last resort to openly admit and discuss if they have a problem in the relationship?

 

If so, what could be done to change this?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I notice this a lot as well.

 

People are rather passive aggressive in the beginning of relationships. They want to avoid conflict.

 

However, conflict is good.

[EQD]

no.

as they say

"god save me from my friends--i can defend myself from my enemies"

those we hold closest can do the most damage.

it has nothing to do with the 'perfect' relationship.

its fear of pain, fear of what can happen if we do express certain things.

the ones we hold the closest and dont want to lose.. well understandibly are the ones we want to be careful with. to a fault most times.

also we tend to care about our partners feelings moreso than the feelings of some stranger. so we tend to censor ourselves to a higher degree in order to save them from heartache.

[penelope13]

so the fear of expressing your thoughts is always trumping the pain that you experience by not talking about your issue.

 

doesn't it seem the longer you keep silent about a problem, the bigger the problem becomes.

 

more often than not, it seems that the SO is not even aware of there being a problem.

[purpleduckie]

fear of bad going to worse... the present is better than possible bad outcome. risk is not worth it.. lol

[EQD]

so the fear of expressing your thoughts is always trumping the pain that you experience by not talking about your issue.

 

doesn't it seem the longer you keep silent about a problem, the bigger the problem becomes.

 

more often than not, it seems that the SO is not even aware of there being a problem.

 

i never said it was 'the way' to be. i believe in surpassing fear and always engaging in open and honest communication.

silence breeds contempt and builds walls.

but that is basically where it stems from. fear.

[Hope75]

Having been on ENA for some time now, I have seen many threads where the OP is describing his/ her problem and my first thought is: why don't you talk to your SO about this?

 

I'd like to understand why this doesn't seem to be the most obvious thing to do. Why is the thought of talking about an issue that you have with your SO such a frightening thought?

 

Is our culture, our expectations, or social pressure so high to have a seemingly perfect relationship that people only consider it as a last resort to openly admit and discuss if they have a problem in the relationship?

 

If so, what could be done to change this?

 

Just as often I read that they've attempted to resolve an issue with and SO and failed, and are looking for advice on how to handle it.

[DN]

I think it's often because people want advice on how to repair damage without inflicting more damage.

[Seymore]

Having been on ENA for some time now, I have seen many threads where the OP is describing his/ her problem and my first thought is: why don't you talk to your SO about this?

 

 

Simple. I couldn't. I'd bring a relationship issue up and try to present my ideas on how WE could fix it. She'd turn it around on me and play like i was attacking her or didn't care about her, and either have a tantrum or an attitude about it or just leave the room. No matter how calmly and maturely I'd bring it up, I usually got the most immature response possible.

[penelope13]

BTW: I am not judging anyone for this, I am just trying to see if there is a way (if there should be a way) to change the "culture" that communication becomes more attractive and the norm as a means of problem solving.

 

as hope75 rightly pointed out, it is a 2-sided phenomenon, that you have to have on one side a person who feels comfortable enough to voice problems and on the other side you need someone who is willing to listen, to acknowledge the existence of a problem and the will to do something about it.

[penelope13]

Simple. I couldn't. I'd bring a relationship issue up and try to present my ideas on how WE could fix it. She'd turn it around on me and play like i was attacking her or didn't care about her, and either have a tantrum or an attitude about it or just leave the room. No matter how calmly and maturely I'd bring it up, I usually got the most immature response possible.

 

In this case, how DO you solve problems?

 

-------

 

This situation also indicates the existence of fear. The fear of abandonement: acknowledging a problem = possibility of the end of the relationship, so as long as i get the other person to drop the issue, i am save, and the relationship will continue. To accomplish him/ her to drop the subject I go into attacking mode.

 

Doesn't sound like a healthy strategy, nor a strategy that will work for ever

[waveseer]

I think many of the communication problems in relationships are caused by one person caring about the relationship more than the other.

[Ac143]

I know most of the time when I ask for advice here BEFORE talking to my SO - its because I sometimes have a problem communicating & feel like my approach in starting "the talk" isn't always the best way. So I ask here for other opinions & the best way to go about it.

[EQD]

In this case, how DO you solve problems?

-------

 

This situation also indicates the existence of fear. The fear of abandonement: acknowledging a problem = possibility of the end of the relationship, so as long as i get the other person to drop the issue, i am save, and the relationship will continue. To accomplish him/ her to drop the subject I go into attacking mode.

 

Doesn't sound like a healthy strategy, nor a strategy that will work for ever

you break up with the moron.

[Seymore]

In this case, how DO you solve problems?

 

 

That's it - you don't. They get swept under a rug.

 

For instance, and I've brought it up before: My ex wanted to go out to lunch on Saturdays - I had to pay for us. So we'd go, and after a few weeks she'd bring her toddler nephew and order his meal, then expect me to pay for him every week too. Never offered to chip in or anything.

 

When I brought it up to her that I felt I should have to pay every time for him, she accused me of resenting him and hating him because she gives him more attention than me. She KNEW that wasn't the case, but she turned it around on me to be a completely different issue. So while I'm sitting there saying "I don't resent him!" and trying to defend myself, she's got me under her thumb, at her mercy, feeling I have to explain something to her that had NOTHING to do with the original issue. The argument ended without another mention of me paying for his meal.

 

BOTH sides have to come to a compromise. Eventually we did - her solution was that every even week I pay for all of us, every odd week she cooks. Well, that fell through after the first time - she "didn't feel like" cooking, and I wound up doing it just about every odd week.