confusedl77 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Long story short, my boyfriend is the guy who got loaded on NYE and trashed my apartment. There have been a few episodes of violence before this one and some verbal and emotional abuse as well in the four years we've been dating. I've been wanting to break up with him since before the NYE episode and that was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back. I still love him very much and want him to get help and be happy, but I can't be with him while he is doing this. He has been sending me emails almost everyday. The first one inviting me to the movies (he said he had a gift card and needed someone to go with). The second one admitting that he has a problem and saying how much it sucks to be him and that he working on his issues blah blah blah. I don't have the heart to not reply. I can't just ignore him but I am firm when I say I do not want to get back with him but want him to get better. Anyway there is another guy in the picture. I have known him for a while. He is very sweet, kind, respectful, etc. The complete opposite of the last guy. I have not done anything physical with him but I have been talking to him. I know it is probably not smart to jump right into another relationship after coming out of an abusive one, but there is no harm in just hanging out with someone and taking it slowly, right? Anyway, my question is, if in my mind my relationship with the abuser is over but in his mind it isn't, would I be considered a cheater if I start to date the new guy now? I am afraid that if I start dating him now my sort of ex will find out and flip out and accuse me of cheating. How long should I wait before beginning to date someone else? I have been feeling guilty for talking to this guy when things aren't 100% over with my ex. Thoughts anyone? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Why are things not 100% over with your abuser? You need to make is CRYSTAL CLEAR that things are over. Are you afraid? NO TYPE OF ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE. End it with your abuser and then you will have nothing to worry about and you can start your new relationship. Be safe... Link to comment
confusedl77 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 No I'm not afraid..at least I'm not afraid of him. I don't think that he will come after me and harm me or anything like that. I think he really does truly love me and will let go once he knows for sure I am done with the relationship. I guess I just love him still too much but at the same time know I can't be with him. When he writes me and apologizes and says how much he loves me and that he is going to get help it makes it so hard for me to walk away from him. I end up feeling sorry for him. Link to comment
KitKatt Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Dont believe what ur ex says. He hasnt gotten help. Hes not going to change like that. If u broke up with the guy, then its over. u dont have to explain ur actions to him. He emails, dont answer. Giving him an answer gives him hope. Link to comment
volpe Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Hi confused, even though in your mind you are safe, you are not. once you cut all ties with him, then you will know. he is controlling you with manipulation, with tearful, pleading emails that he knows will get you to respond. if you continue to give in, he knows this gets you. once you cut off ties, he could go nutzo so you need to be very very cautious. you will find out once you cut off, how desperate he gets and what he does. i'm not saying this to scare you but your abuser is sick in the head and there is no telling what he could do. so i would suggest telling him to stop contacting you and if he continues to do so, and starts to be scary then get a restraining order. i'm not saying this to be overreactive, but you do need to be very cautious. also, i would suggest holding off on a new relationship because of what you are writing here. you need to find your center and learn to find boundaries with people, this may mean you need some time single. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Well, you definitely need to end let him know that it really is over. Several ways to do this: (1) In person, which I don't recommend because he could become violent towards you; (2) Over the phone, better but he might try to persuade you not to do it and that might be hard for you to turn down fully; (3) Via email, which could work, but you may feel badly doing this since it's not something that is generally the kind thing to do when breaking up and he may flip out even more if it's via email, but at least you'll be safe while breaking up and he won't have the chance to try to persuade you and (4) just disappear, cut contact, filter his emails to the trash, change your number, but then he still knows where you live. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 When he writes me and apologizes and says how much he loves me and that he is going to get help it makes it so hard for me to walk away from him. I end up feeling sorry for him. I was in the same exact situation. You think to yourself "He has a problem, he can't help it", and you don't want to break his heart. Well, I'm willing to bet there are other relationships in his life that he's ruined because of this. You'd think that'd be reason enough to get help? HE needs to fix himself. He could, but you're his emotional punching bag, so why bother? Of course it's hard. 2 1/2 weeks later and I'm still coming to grips with having to leave my ex under the same circumstances, because she doesn't get why I'm doing what I'm doing. A week after I broke up with her, she accused me of just not caring about all we had at all and leaving like that, and the next day she'd be sweet and send me a cookie bouquet. It's hard sticking to it, but you know in the end that it just MIGHT be the push they need to get help and in return live a happy, healthy life. And if they do succeed in that, you know you had a hand in it, because had you stayed with them, it's very doubtful they'd make the same change. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 i would tell the ex in no uncertain terms that things are over, that you don't wish to continue the relationship, and that you wish him well. i wouldn't give him any more reasons. and get off the phone too. don't let him argue with you, it's your decision to make. and then, yes, see where things go with this new nice guy. Link to comment
confusedl77 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Seymore I agree with you. I don't wish any harm on the guy and in the long run I want him to help himself and be happy. But you are right in that if I stay with him he will not get help and I will not be happy. He might be happy because he didn't really need do anything to change or better himself and still gets to hold onto me. He has ruined 2 other long term relationships in the past. About 5 years a piece. You'd think he would have learned from those and got help at the time of the last break up however he blames the demise of his last relationship on the girl completely. He says that she was bipolar and crazy and that she was the abusive one if anything. The first girlfriend he adores and says only good things about so I think he knows that he screwed up there. It is very hard to leave an abusive relationship. I wonder if it's harder to leave an abusive relationship than it is to leave a healthy one and if so, why? Link to comment
confusedl77 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Volpe I honestly don't think that he would do anything to harm me when I leave him just because I know his history with his past girlfriends. He has screwed up two other long term relationships in the past and I know they both came to their senses and eventually walked away and he never went after them. I know this because I have actually spoken with one of the exes and plus I hear things from his close family and friends. He is more the type that will just let go. I mean he may put up a fight and try to get me to come back but I think (and I hope I am correct) that he is not a vengeful person and will not try to harm me once I put an end to it once and for all. Thanks for your concern though. I do appreciate it and will definitely take your points into consideration just in case! Link to comment
volpe Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Yeah, it's hard for me when a guy blames a girlfriend entirely for demise. Because it indicates that they don't take responsibility for themselves and that they will talk the same way about me. It's hard to leave every relationship. But I think in a healthy relationship there is more mutual respect and isn't based on bad cycles of extreme highs and lows. It is more even balanced and it is healthy because the individuals in the relationship don't base all their worth on the relationship. So they can walk away but also know that they did give it the best they could. It's still hard but it doesn't carry the same level of torment. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 You need to figure out what you will do with your ex. Are you going to give him time to clean up and get his act together before getting back with him? What if you're in a relationship with this new guy, your old one gets his act together, next thing you now, you still have feelings for him and you now have a chance at a better relationship with him, and you end up hurting the new guy. Do you want to be over your ex? You need to figure out if you want things to be done with him permanently. She could be waiting a long, long time for that to happen. It's unlikely he'll get his act together, as she said two other women left him. In the meantime, she's stuck pining for the ex, hoping he'll change, and missing out on opportunities to meet better men. Link to comment
confusedl77 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 forsakenlove I agree with you which is why I already let the new guy know that I am in no way, shape, or form ready to jump into a new relationship right away and that I want to take things extremely slowly. He is very understanding of this and he has been there as a friend through everything that I am going through with my ex. I made it clear to new guy that I don't want him to feel like he is the rebound guy and if I should become involved with him that I would want to be completely invested in him. I still do love my ex as in I care about him and want him to be happy and get well but I am not in love with him anymore. I fell out of love with him a long time ago. I will always care about him and think about him but I don't think I see myself sitting around and waiting for him to get better. Like Seymore said, that could be a long, long time down the road and who knows if it will ever really happen? I can't put all of my hopes into the possibility of my ex changing when something new, wonderful, amazing can be right around the corner for me. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 If you're not willing to go completely out of contact with your ex, you're not doing either him or yourself any favors. Breakups are difficult by their very nature. I think it would be an awful idea to pull someone else into the mess you refuse to let go of. For good. In your corner. Link to comment
kate144 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I'm in the same situation. Have an abusive ex that I just can't let go. I always find a reason why I should go back, he always says the right thing that makes me feel loved. But you know what... and I wish I could find a solution for myself as well... this is WRONG we should leave. YOU should leave and NEVER go back, especially because you know he had a past with "screwing" a long term relationship- YOURS IS NOT GONNA BE DIFFERENT. Do you know how many nice words I heard from him, how many tears I saw, how many times he called screaming at me that I'm a * * * * * a * * * * and a * * * * * , but the next day it's all forgotten and become to be "you know I didn't mean it"? They are all the same, if you strong enough to stay firm then stay away. GOOD LUCK Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 you should walk away from this person and not look back. you are NOT responsible for his happiness, but you are responsible for your own. Use the energy that you will get from this new person in your life and try to understand why you allowed yourself to stay in an abusive relationship for such a long time. Just be honest to the new guy that you want to take things slowly because you need some time and space for yourself. Good luck to you! Link to comment
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