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He wants to marry me and have kids, but he won't help me financially


skittley80

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When you are in a relationship - especially when you intend to have children together, decisions about careers and finances are ones that should be taken together. One doesn't just drop one career and pick up another that may be risky without at least discussing it with your partner to make sure that there is going to be support. Real estate has always been a risky career even in the boom times and many people fail to make a decent living at it.

 

At one point you talked to your boyfriend about combining money and he was against it - and I imagine that this was a prime reason. If he felt that your career and ensuing financial decisions were going to be arbitrary and he was not going to have any say then he would want to protect his own finances from any risks that you were taking without him having any control at all.

 

My wife and I have always combined out income - we consider it ours rather than hers and mine. But we have also combined the decisions that we make about our lives if they can impact the other and that includes career decisions.

 

Supporting and helping a partner should be a given in a good relationship - but that also includes consultation before decisions.

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Do you know what his family's history is with money?

 

 

Well his father is passed, but he was a gambler so he always wasted his money.. His mom is disabled and on social security, but she's bad with money too.. Maybe he's afraid of going broke, I don't know.. but regardless.. He knows me, and knows that I'm good with money and would never do anything to put us in a situation we couldn't live with. Again, it's not like I'm wanting him to spend thousands to help me.. It's a nominal amount of money.

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If you still feel he should help you, then why not just come out and ask? You drop hints, but maybe he just wants you to ask and specify your needs. I dunno.

 

If he is willing to help, maybe ask him to take on the grocery bill/give money so you can go to the store and buy the food and ask if he can help with the bills that you both share? If he supports your decision, maybe he would be willing to help you out so you can make a better life for you both. If he offers to help, let him know it's a temp thing.

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If you guys didn't come to an agreement upon past decisions that you made, then he is probably taking out some of his pent up frustration on you now.

 

Sorry u are going thru this.

 

How do you feel about marrying him now? Are you having second thoughts?

 

I definatly am having second thoughts.. that's why I came to this forum to see If I'm in the wrong or not.

 

We did agree on my decisions. He said if it's really what I want to do, he supports me. I have a strong circle of friends/family, so I knew I would do well in my new career. It's all about knowing people.

 

But now that I've cut myself a little short between one settlement to the next, his support is gone.

 

I definatly would not marry a man who would not combine his entire life with me, including money. I think it's ridiculous to be married and have separate accounts. If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be forever.. And if forever ends early, then we'll deal with the issues at that time.. but I'd never marry someone and say " we can't combine our money because we might get divorced one day".. that's just silly.

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No, I haven't.. If our money was combined right now, we, as a couple, would be just fine.
Well, that was my earlier point. If your decisions had been combined and he had some input then he should be part of the solution to a joint problem. But as it is you are expecting that he be part of a joint solution to a problem you created on your own.
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Well, that was my earlier point. If your decisions had been combined and he had some input then he should be part of the solution to a joint problem. But as it is you are expecting that he be part of a joint solution to a problem you created on your own.

I'm going to have to agree with DN on this one.

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Well, that was my earlier point. If your decisions had been combined and he had some input then he should be part of the solution to a joint problem. But as it is you are expecting that he be part of a joint solution to a problem you created on your own.

 

He WAS part of the decision. As stated earlier.. He gave his blessings and told me to do what makes me happy.. I'm not saying he's responsibile for any of this.. I'm just saying, we love each other, we want a life together... help out the ones you love.

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OK - well this is what I suggest you do.

 

Stop feeling resentful that he hasn't offered his money to bail you out. It won't serve you and will poison the relationship. Realise that this is a situation of your making - it was your decision to make this career move in your best interests and you are responsible for that decision and anything that flows from it - good or bad.

 

Stop the blame game - it won't get you anywhere.

 

Rather than expect him to offer help - you swallow your pride, admit you made a mistake in leaving a job that did pay a regular income and ask for it. Don't make this about him being a bad boyfriend because that isn't the issue at hand.

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I definatly would not marry a man who would not combine his entire life with me, including money. I think it's ridiculous to be married and have separate accounts. If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be forever.. And if forever ends early, then we'll deal with the issues at that time.. but I'd never marry someone and say " we can't combine our money because we might get divorced one day".. that's just silly.

 

See, I don't want to tell you that you are making the wrong decision because I have never met you nor him, but if you are having second thoughts, then you should definitely post pone things for a while, to see if his view of things change at all.

 

I wouldn't marry someone who didn't combine his entire life with me either. And we have the right to feel this way. I think he is acting like a butt about something that is so petty. He knows you have money coming, he knows you're out looking for a job and not just sitting on your behind. So what more does he want? Does he want you to beg him to pay the bills or breakdown and tell him he was right about everything?

 

I kind of feel like he is being manipulative and that is something you might have to deal with again about something else later on down the line.

Have you told any of your family/friends about the way he has been treating you? What have they said?

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He shouldn't be putting you thru this stress. He shouldn't make you feel bad about pursuing something that made you happy. Yes, the economy sucks right now and the mortgage industry is at it's all time low right now, but it's not your fault.

 

He shouldn't make you feel horrible about wanting to pursue your dreams. If anything, he should be happy that you are trying to make yourself happy.

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I know you're in a tough place, but REAL ESTATE? My best friend's father was in real estate and they were often broke big time! Seeing it up close and personal that way turned me off to it forever. Should he bail you out? I don't think so. I never ask men for money and I intend to keep it that way. If you take money, the balance of power gets skewed and it always ends in a break up.

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I know you're in a tough place, but REAL ESTATE? My best friend's father was in real estate and they were often broke big time! Seeing it up close and personal that way turned me off to it forever. Should he bail you out? I don't think so. I never ask men for money and I intend to keep it that way. If you take money, the balance of power gets skewed and it always ends in a break up.

 

OMG...Like seriously? They are getting ready to get married, they have a mortgage together. Is it really that big of a deal to ask him for help? I'm sure he knows she can pay him back...& if he really cared about her and didn't want to see her all stressed out, he would help her out as much as possible.

 

Yeah, it's no good to depend on a man. But it's not like she's not out there sitting on her butt. She has accomplishments and goals...& it's not like she depends on him to take care of her. Geesh

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It sounds like you have asked him to help you out and that you expect that you could and would repay the amount, which is nominal. If that's the case, then I think your fiance has serious issues with money...or something. You've made it clear that the career decisions were made together, and that you've been overt with him about asking for help. The fact that you are wondering if he "should" help you makes me think that he is actually quite controlling, at least in the area of money. That is a huge thing when you live with someone. In that case, I would be very hesitant to combine money, and my life, with him in the future. What would you do if you were married and had children--would he not buy the groceries to feed the kids? I'd make sure that these questions are completely resolved before marriage or kids.

 

It's up to him whether he helps you or not. But, given the status and history of your relationship, I think it's very odd that he won't help you. It's a big red flag for the state of your future.

 

One other thing. If you have a mortgage together, his credit could be affected if you can't pay your bills, now that your credit has been combined.

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To me, he doesn't seem all that careless nor controlling. He might not be paying the grocery bills, but if he is taking you out to eat instead and paying for it (I assume), he is not careless.

 

I think he simply wants to make it clear to you that these areas are your responsibilities, and you are not meeting them. He is filling the strict necessary by taking you both out to eat for now but he wants you to do the rest on your own, no handouts.

 

I understand where he comes from as I would also feel very uncomfortable providing for someone I am not married to because they decided to change career. Does that mean I don't love them? No. It's one thing to make a one-time loan for an item when that person has an income but when he doesn't and you know you will be paying bills for a possible long-haul, the situation changes. We've all known some girls that had to hunt down nominal sums of money from "loans" their ex did not pay back.

 

I feel that he did not get much say. "Do what makes you happy", sounds to me more of the type of response of "no don't go it but since we're not married I can't have much impact on your decision" and something along the lines of "I don't control you". He might not be happy with you not having a stable income, and this is a way of letting you know of the hardships it brings along.

 

Can you try to see how he would handle finances in a marriage? Maybe it would still not be a deal you would agree with!

 

For your financial situation, could you maybe get some kind of loan from your parents which you said you are close with or use your line of credit with the bank? Just temporary until you do get a job to pay the bills.

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He shouldn't be putting you thru this stress. He shouldn't make you feel bad about pursuing something that made you happy. Yes, the economy sucks right now and the mortgage industry is at it's all time low right now, but it's not your fault.

 

He shouldn't make you feel horrible about wanting to pursue your dreams. If anything, he should be happy that you are trying to make yourself happy.

 

I don't recall him saying that she could not pursue her dreams of real estate. He did not seem to agree too much with it by saying "do what makes you happy", but he basically told her right there and then to own up to its consequences. Had he said, no I don't want you to; then that would be controlling.

 

She did pursue her dreams, and he let her. All he wanted was that her share of the responsibilities be paid.

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OMG...Like seriously? They are getting ready to get married, they have a mortgage together. Is it really that big of a deal to ask him for help? I'm sure he knows she can pay him back...& if he really cared about her and didn't want to see her all stressed out, he would help her out as much as possible.

 

Yeah, it's no good to depend on a man. But it's not like she's not out there sitting on her butt. She has accomplishments and goals...& it's not like she depends on him to take care of her. Geesh

 

This is one of the reasons I hate the concept of "playing house". It's all great to say that you want to be married and have kids to the person, but until you actually do, things are different.

 

I don't think he thinks she doesn't have any accomplishment and goals. He just wants that part to be paid by her.

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Hmm, i think the fault is on both. I'll keep my 2cents simple as alot of posters already talked about it.

 

1. We are experiencing a really bad global economy crisis, worst one in 30 years (Iceland was almost ruined!) So i suggest you heed the advice of your fellow ENAners and find a more stable income job instead of a big buck suddenly job. Maybe when things are more stable you can go back to the real estate industry.

 

2. Instead of a joint account totally, create an account that combines both of your incomes for grocery/electricity/water bills. Perhaps like 20% from each of your monthly incomes or so. That way he wont feel threathen into a "trap" and you wont feel like you owe him anything as it is an account for the house and not your own selfish needs. (should he thinks that way) Because its ridiculous of him to not share financial needs for the house and want to spend a life with you. You can both have your own private accounts but set one up just for settling bills and grocery.

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If hes not willing to help you out in a time of need then id question his commitment elsewheres. Its not like you blew your money on drugs... you are having a hard time with work and bills. Go and work at mcdonald's if you have to... anything to pay your phone bill and put food in the cabinets while you find something better. Or go to a day labor place... if you are skilled and smart you may end up with an offer to stay on someplace doing office work or phones or whatever needs done.

 

That said... Id really give having kids, or a marriage to that guy a second thought. Im paying all of my bills with my fiance, rent, utilities, my bills and her bills... including credit cards. When she wasnt at work I didnt watch her go hungry.

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Welcome to one of the top heated issues in marriage- Finances.

 

As you can see from all the previous posts, people(even a lot of married couples) rarely agree on every financial aspect.

 

Here is my two-

 

If you want to get married, he had better get used to combining your money.

When you share things like a home, a car, and most especially when you have a child- It's more important that the bills are paid, rather than gripe about yours, mine and ours. If the money is all going to the same place, what's the big deal ? It's for you both. This isn't for you to buy a fur coat or something.

How would he feel if he lost his job ? Would he expect you to throw him out or starve because you'd have to spend "your" money on him ?

That's just silly. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word, including finances. Yes, I do think people should be responsible for themselves (Not rack up tons of debt and expect their partner to pay it or being careless with their hard earned money) but at what point do you step up and say "Hey, we're in this together" My husband and I have had loads of arguments over finances, but at the end of the day, we help each other out.

Why ? Because one day I may be unemployed or he may need extra money to pay a student loan. It's a give and take and you can never predict what financial problems may come up in marriage- What if one of you needed emergency surgery ?

The way I see it, and this is merely MVHO, if the person doesn't trust you enough to combine your money, what does that say about your relationship ?

I realize everyone is different and has different opinions when it comes to money, but in a marriage-I PROMISE you- This is a conversation that will never end. You have to talk about it in depth and learn to compromise.

And if you want my opinion, you should see if you can function as a couple with this issue before you get married.

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