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He wants to marry me and have kids, but he won't help me financially


skittley80

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Hello all,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We moved in together 1 1/2 years ago and have been doing good. We've been talking about marriage and babies for a long time. In fact, I stopped taking birth control about 6 months ago because we both feel we are ready for babies, and we both feel we want it with each other.

 

Well financially, we (well, I) am having difficulty. I had a job for 9 years which brought me home a paycheck that was ok, it was enough to pay my bills but not much else. I decided I wanted more out of life than living paycheck to paycheck so I got my real estate license. I did both jobs for a few months and then decided to do real estate full time. This was last September. I had some savings which I used until early December when I got my first commission check from real estate. Well that money has dwendled down to nothing. I have another settlement coming up at the end of January, but I have bills that are due NOW and our refrigerator and cabinets are empty (grocery shopping is my responsibility). My cell phone which is my life line for real estate is due to be cut off on the 15th if I don't pay the $50 that is due, Our Directv is going to be cut off on the 16th if that $75 isn't paid, etc.

 

So for the last 3 weeks I have been desperately looking for a job, I have put real estate on the back burner and have spend all of my time job seeking. I've had several interviews but nothing has panned out yet. I've recently joined a new real estate company that is willing to give me lots of training, but I haven't been able to take advantage of it because I'm having to look for work.

 

I talked to my bf back in December about combining out money and he is and was totally against it. I talked to him again about it and still he is against it. I feel like if he wants to marry me and have babies with me that we should support each other financially. It's not like I would be taking advantage of him, as I could make very good money in real estate if I didn't have to worry about getting a job. Some months I would make more than enough to get by on, and some months I wouldn't. In the end it would all work out.

 

I'm feeling very confused about him right now... He has alot of extra money in the bank and will not help me at all. I haven't asked for help straight out as I'm not that kind of person, but he knows I need help and he just ignores it.

 

I would ideally like to combine our money and then when times such as these come about, I can still concentrate on doing real estate and getting those commission checks. The way he wants things is that I pay for my own stuff even if it means I get a job and ignore the thing I really want to do, real estate.

 

What do you all feel about this situation? Am I overreacting?

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If he wants to be with you and have children together (which is a HUGE step, btw) he should be helping you financially when you need help. Pooling your money together though is a thing of the past and I believe you will find most people these days keep their own money in their own bank accounts. It's not a bad thing to do this - in fact it's kinda smart. But like I said, he should be happy to help you should you need help.

 

Personally, I would be against combining my money with my SO as well - it opens doors to a lot of trouble.

 

As far as your real estate thing goes - it's a bad time to be doing that. But I have family in that kind of business and when things turn around you'll be in very, very good shape. But there's going to be a rough ride for a while no doubt.

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Generally real estate is bad, but not where I live, we are doing just fine. I got licensed in September and went through a few months of training.. I have 2 sales under my belt which is unheard of for an agent as new as I am. I could do very well even in these "tough" times if I could put all my effort into it.

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I guess I can see both your perspectives, but you should realize that it's not his job to bail you out. Quite frankly, you do not sound at all in a position to be having kids right now. If you're on the brink of debt, you should be reducing expenses (ie. DirecTV - luxury, not a necessity) rather than increasing them.

 

Before you even talk about having children you need to be on stronger footing, and I wouldn't blame him if he felt insecure about bringing children into the picture with your financial position. Before you have kids, you MUST work the issue of finances out. If you can't have this conversation with him, then you should NOT be having children together.

 

Why not just ask him for help? Promise to pay him back .. And keep looking for a job.

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When you decuded you wanted more out of life than the job you had - was he part of that decision in any way? Did you say that you might need him to subsidise you?

 

Yes, he supported me in my decision...I didn't think I would need help at the time, but now that I do need help, I thought the man I love and want to spend my life with would be there for me. I was apparently wrong.

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Generally real estate is bad, but not where I live, we are doing just fine. I got licensed in September and went through a few months of training.. I have 2 sales under my belt which is unheard of for an agent as new as I am. I could do very well even in these "tough" times if I could put all my effort into it.

I hear you. I live in a relatively 'sheltered' area of the Country where we haven't been hit as hard as everywhere else (big tourism and retirement area keeping the economy alive) but still my family says that things are dead slow and will be for some time to come.

 

I suppose all I meant was that when this little 'blip' in the market changes face, you will be in a good position, as real estate can generate big, big money, but that you should be prepared (especially being a new agent) for some hard times.

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Why are you trying to have a baby with someone when your cell phone bill is due/in disconnect, no food in your house and the direct TV is going to cut off as well? If you end up pregnant, you will need to take time off work. It might even be harder to find a job as you get further along. Especially with the economy now. I think this is something you need to reconsider or put on hold for a bit.

 

So, if and when this baby comes along, who's going to pay for what?

And what exactly does he pay for in the household now?

 

Just b/c you are living together, trying to have a baby and he plans to marry you someday...doesn't mean he has to pay for your bills. It would be nice if he helped you with your career so money wouldn't be an issue, but he's not obligated to do that.

In order to afford certain things, you may need to cut back on what you have now or find a different type of job in order to save up money.

 

Number 1 rule about children....don't play house if you can't afford it.

You don't want this child to go without important things b/c you can't afford it.

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Yes, he supported me in my decision...I didn't think I would need help at the time, but now that I do need help, I thought the man I love and want to spend my life with would be there for me. I was apparently wrong.

Just because he won't combine his and your income doens't mean he won't be there for you. Have you even asked him (or otherwise told him) that you need help in the short term? He should be willing to do this!! If he isn't then you shouldn't be talking about kids!!!!

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Just because he won't combine his and your income doens't mean he won't be there for you. Have you even asked him (or otherwise told him) that you need help in the short term? He should be willing to do this!! If he isn't then you shouldn't be talking about kids!!!!

 

Of course I have told him and he ignores me.

 

As fas as having babies go.. We were just fine finacially when we began talking about having children. I definitely don't want one right now.

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Do you guys live together?? If so, isn't he hungry and why would he let you starve?

 

Yes, we live together.. You see he makes no sense. He won't go to the grocery store because that's my responsibility, however he will buy food out. Basically we've been eating out.. He makes no sense.

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Yes, we live together.. You see he makes no sense. He won't go to the grocery store because that's my responsibility, however he will buy food out. Basically we've been eating out.. He makes no sense.

 

Of course I have told him and he ignores me.

 

As fas as having babies go.. We were just fine finacially when we began talking about having children. I definitely don't want one right now.

You're right, this doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe you need to be talking to him and making him listen.

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I can't believe he would let the refrigerator go empty because it is your responsibility, knowing you don't have the money for food even. That just says stubborn to me.

 

You probably should have discussed it with him about needing financial assistance during this transition. You say you didn't expect to run out of funding, though you had little savings to start with & said yourself that the success you've had thus far is unheard of. So knowing it would be a slow start, you should have anticipated this & talked to him about it before this occurred. Not saying it's your fault, but I could see how he might feel pressure like you expect a money source right now.

 

I hope he helps you out in the meantime while you get on your feet.

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Maybe I'm different than all the rest. If the situation were reversed, and he was in a place where he needed a little help to get by and I had the means, I would gladly help him out. I feel that's what a relationship is about, giving and taking.. especially one where you so far along that you feel you want to marry each other and have children.

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Yes, we live together.. You see he makes no sense. He won't go to the grocery store because that's my responsibility, however he will buy food out. Basically we've been eating out.. He makes no sense.

 

He is being a jerk! He could actually save money and pay the bills instead of wasting his money on take out. Grrr..That makes me mad..I can just imagine how you feel.

 

He sounds controlling too. Is he?

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Oh and to reply to someone who asked.. He pays only the mortgage and I pay all the other bills plus food, it equals out most months. And then we have our own separate bills which we both pay, they are pretty much equal.

 

It bothers me because I'm not asking him to pay my $300 car payment, I just need a little help.

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He is being a jerk! He could actually save money and pay the bills instead of wasting his money on take out. Grrr..That makes me mad..I can just imagine how you feel.

 

He sounds controlling too. Is he?

 

No, he's not controlling.. He's actually a great guy other than the whole money situation.

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Oh and to reply to someone who asked.. He pays only the mortgage and I pay all the other bills plus food, it equals out most months. And then we have our own separate bills which we both pay, they are pretty much equal.

 

It bothers me because I'm not asking him to pay my $300 car payment, I just need a little help.

 

It doesn't sound like he is in for the long hall...What happens after you take your vows??

 

.......For better or for worse...through sickness and in health......????

 

I'm still trying to understand this because I just can't bring myself to think that he could be so cold towards u. Like he is playing games with u or something....

 

...Not to mention the stress you must feel right now.....& probably feeling alone.

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Oh and to reply to someone who asked.. He pays only the mortgage and I pay all the other bills plus food, it equals out most months. And then we have our own separate bills which we both pay, they are pretty much equal.

 

It bothers me because I'm not asking him to pay my $300 car payment, I just need a little help.

I'm wondering if he isn't offering to help you with money because he simply can't. Perhaps you think me has more money than he actually does? Maybe he doesn't have money to give and his pride won't let him say as much? I know mortgage payments can be a big burden...

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No, he's not controlling.. He's actually a great guy other than the whole money situation.

 

Yeah, but how could u even say that he's not controlling? He's obviously controlling the money right now. You guys are supposed to be getting married right?

 

Will you guys maintain separate accounts still, even when you're married?

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I'm wondering if he isn't offering to help you with money because he simply can't. Perhaps you think me has more money than he actually does? Maybe he doesn't have money to give and his pride won't let him say as much? I know mortgage payments can be a big burden...

 

Oh, very true. I didn't think about that. She didn't really make it seem like he simply couldn't tho.

 

I think he's playing games...This isn't fair..

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