He wants to marry me and have kids, but he won't help me financially

[Sparkle]

I totally agree with Tangi here.

 

The problem is that you never really see what a person is like with regards to finances until you live with them, and so its a good thing that you are doing that. Financial problems and how they are dealt with are a common cause of conflicts in relationships and marriage.

 

I have walked in blindly in the past, into a living together arrangement without talking and expressing clearly the financial expectations/implications on both sides, which although moving into together was clearly dependant on both of our current situations at the time, at that time i could not afford to support the relationship long had the worst have happened. If I had of been this clear (even though i was transparent about my incomings and our outgoings so thought that this made sense) the expectations would have also been very clear and my request for actions to be taken could have been followed up by reciting an original agreement. This sort of lack of clear communication and agreement can often be the downfall to relationships and can cause alot of resentment when one of the parties doesnt understand the expectation/implication and no agreements have been made.

 

It sounds a bit clinical yes, and isnt the best in a wonderful romantic moment but still, it has to be done.

 

We all accept that there are ups and downs with the economy, but it is quite a crucial thing to find out what your SO's values are with regard to finances when moving in and especially before getting married.

 

You feel, from the conversation you had, where he supported your career change, that this meant that if you fell on hard times financially, he would help out in financial ways. This clearly was not his interpretation of your career change and just goes to show how clear and almost precise communication of expectations is a must.

 

Im really sorry for the stress you are going through, but i do think that this testing time will give you the ideal opportunity to see how well you can come to agreements on finances, and what his values and expectations are, which will set you in good stead for making decisions about your future with him.

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be comfortable combining finances with someone I was not married to. I tend to agree with DN.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am seeing a lot of issues here that go beyond the matter of him covering the bills. I am seeing a lot of decisions being made where the "cart is being placed before the horse".

1) Buying a house together and getting off birth control to start making babies BEFORE there is even the "security" of marriage.

2) Quitting a job to do Real Estate full time (I know someone else who did that and struggled a lot). Real estate agents are a dime a dozen...everyone and his brother/sister is a real estate agent be it full time or part time. Some make piles of money but a lot of them just scrape by or fold. It would have been wiser not to quit your day job and make sure there was a regular income coming in until you got more experienced. Knowing a lot of people is not the same as actually getting clients and successfully selling a house or condo.

3) His unwillingness to cover bills until you get back on your feet and yet you bought a house together, are supposed to be planning for babies and marriage.

4) The fact that while he wants to protect HIS money from you, he has no interest in keeping track of HIS money and has you looking after that.

5) The fact that he is standing on ceremony with the grocery shopping and refuses to help you out on that matter but will order take out instead. That is being very petty. It is almost like when two siblings share a room and they are fighting with each other so they draw a line down the centre of the room and neither are allowed to cross to the other side. In other words, the boundaries are so rigid that it creates more problems. In relationships there has to be flexibility to account for unforeseen events. What happens if you are pregnant and not well...will there no longer be groceries because in his mind that is your job? This is not good.

6) There seems to be a power struggle here and very rigid, unbending notions of duties and responsibilites. If he is that concerned about the money why not agree on getting something in writing about how much he is overextending himself regarding your side of the bills and then you will pay him back when you have the money.

[ComputerGuy]

I can understand that its your choice and thereforee your responsibility, not his but at the same time if you are a couple living together then you both have to contribute. Would he expect the same if you got pregnant and had to stop working? What if you were unable to work for whatever other reason? Yes you took the career change but some things like a slump in income from it cant always be predicted. If he is living there too he has equal responsibility.

 

My girlfriend cant pay for everything as she is struggling to find work at the moment and welfare payments arent enough but I'm hardly letting things get cut off and food run out because of it. Not financing your nights out are one thing but not helping with groceries and other stuff I'm 99% sure he also uses is just being an ass.

[Maya_A]

I haven't read through all the posts so please forgive if this has been addressed..

 

It seems the only option you are giving him is to combing your money, which seems like it has been a forever "argument" between the two of you. If so, that might be the source of his resistance.

 

If you simply ask him to lend you whatever, only until the end of January (you said you were getting money then), then I can't see why he wouldn't do it, having lots of extra money as you say, and wanting marriage with you.

 

In the end, I think it is depending on how you are putting this to him. As money combing (with that whole long standing entangled issue involved) it won't work apparently, but as a loan, it might.

 

Would the loan route be acceptable to you?

[VerdeShimmer]

Do you guys live together?? If so, isn't he hungry and why would he let you starve?

 

Yeah, this is weird. You need to re-evaulate if you really want kids with this dude.