Abuse that has continud after break up Why do I go back for more? Please help I am desperate

[fiffy]

Hi

 

I was hoping for some help

 

My ex dumped me 6 months ago. He cheated on me and was abusive during the relationship. He would always put me down until I was a shell of my former self by the end of the relationship.

 

Despite everything, however, I did not want the relationship to end and I have been despairing ever since. In turn this has caused the abuse to escalate.

 

I go for periods of No Contact but will get an email from him admitting to the abuse and apologising so much for his terrible behaviour. He will say he wants to still be friends and he cares for me a lot but when I respond he lays into me asking 'why did you call I never want to speak to you' yet the e-mail says please call I really hope I hear from you. He convinces me I am stalking and harassing him. Yet I have only called once in this last month and maybe twice in the month preceeding and he occasionally contacts me. He even makes sure there are people around to say 'shes harassing me again'.

 

I used to believe I was and once he threatened me with the police so I kept record of his contact and mine so if he ever did get the police I could prove my innocence. Needless to say looking at the information it is so clear i am not harassing him and they would laugh at his claims when he contacts me. I think its just another facet to the emotional abuse to make me lok like the bad person and to look crazy.

 

Sometimes on the phone he will start of by being nice. He is very unhappy in his life. I am starting to become a bit more upbeat and the person I once was before all this abuse. I think that just angers him more because then he turns on me. He sends me pictures of his new girlfriend showing me how thin and pretty and athletic she is- all the things I was not. He started with calling me fat and overweight so that emotional abuse is very raw with me. I was told time and time again how I was too repulsive for him to have sex with me. How when he saw me naked he felt physically sick, and any man after him will feel the same. He has said he never loved me he just stayed with me because I made him money and the only way he could have sex with me was by thinking about other girls.

 

He has been so cruel and hurtful and this just escalated after the break up. e is always doing stuff after we speak like sending me pictures of his girlfriend or professing his love for her on facebook. I have nbow blocked all of my facebook and e-mail.

 

I just feel terrible everyday. It has been so long since we broke up but I don't feel I am healing in anyway and I dont understand why when he abuses me I have so little self respect I not only let him do it I invite it by being there.

 

I am very confused and lonley and hate how I feel towards him. I mis him and it makes me sick that I do. Why is it hard for the abused to break for their abusers? Can anyone give me a story of hope I am so alone right now and so frustrated with how little I have moved forward.

 

Please help xx

[SW]

Hi there, its normal to feel like you do, he plays mind games with you to confuse you. That his goal in life; to confuse you. I bet those girlfriend pictures are fake he just wants to mess with your head. My best friend went through the same thing you are going through. I learned a lot about abusive relationships from this website link removed. I hope it helps you. Good luck.

[fiffy]

Hi SW

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I am very confused and thats all I have ever felt with him. One day I was the love of his life and we were trying for a baby the next day he cheated on me and broke up with me.

 

I tried to look at the website but it doesn't bring anything up when I click on the links- it looks almost like a google search. Am I doing it right?

[coolgirl]

i've had the same exact thing happen to me with an ex of mine actually. I know its not a an easy thing around it. I've been in that situation and was also hard for me to come out of it too. I found out myself he was cheating during the relationship but never brought it up too him. Cuz, he is a person to loose him temper very easily. And till this momment we can never get along. Eventually, I was the one that had to pay for his mistakes. And worst comes to worst he never apologized even once for his behvaior. And if he were to one day I wouldn't even forgive him either. Talk about sending pictures. He sent alot of pictures of himself and his new fiance actually. I'm like what the hell is this. If your ex keeps bothering you with the emails and everything else try to save them and print them out and take it to the police and showing that you have evidence as to him harassing you in the mean time try not to talk to him. go nc with him. as hard as it sounds you know what the right thing is to do. if he leaves you voicemail try to record his messages if you can. in the mean time try to get some support from your family and friends through this rough time. sorry that your going through this. i was in you postion 3 years ago. And my ex ruined me for 2 years.

[coolgirl]

Just try to leave it alone and try not to get yourself mixed in with his problems. Just try to stay out of it if you can. its going to be hard. just dont do it. stay away from this man. the reason i say this is because i've been through it and wasn't an easy thing either. So all i ask is dont have any contact with him and just try to print emails and when it comes to the time where you have to go to the police you have something to show. dont reply to his emails or any messages he sents you he's trying to get some sort of reaction out of you.

[dreamwarrior]

Talk about a guy with no self-esteem, no courage, and self respect he has to make himself look like a big man by hurting others....grrrrrrrr...stay away from him FOREVER!!! What a coward of a man and I use that word loosely....this has to be the most horrible thing I ever heard someone say to another person...irritates me to no end.

 

This is the prime reason I study karate, because when I get to the teacher status I am going to teach women to defend themselves so they never have to be physically abused, because from my past experiences the police are useless.

 

I am not an advocate of violence, but if someone ever dared to physically hurt me man or woman I have been doing karate and weaponry long enough the ambulance would take them out feet first.

 

Never never allow someone to treat you like that!

[coolgirl]

Here is the thing. Because i didnt keep evidence of my ex of his emails of any sort it made it harder for my therpist to believe. And I wish I did. So in some form they didnt take my seriously and thought i was going nuts towards this. thats what i meant is that i ended up paying for his mistakes. my ex made it look like i was the crazy one and he did what he had to do to get his way and he did. sometimes to a point it hurts to talk about it but in some form i'm like to tell my experince of the abuse I went through. I too was called alot of things. And some of the thing he said really amazed me and damaged me at the same time. And what happened nothing. Not only i lost my self esteem, but I lost my self confidence too and alot more. so i know how you feel about all this. so your not alone in this.

[fiffy]

Hey coolgirl

 

Thanks so much for your response.

 

It is nice to know I am not alone in this experience.

 

I used to question a lot whether I was stalking and harrasing him but I know deep down that the odd call every month is not stalking especially when he can message me.

 

NC is definitely the way to go and the website SW reccommended is an excellent source.

 

I feel at any oppertunity my ex is trying to hurt me. The pics of his new girlfriend are especially painful as she is very thin and beautiful and his problem with me is that I am not. I sometimes just wish he could have loved me as much as he does her but I know deep down she will end up abused and discarded just like me.

 

How did you cope with the humiliation of it all. I have low self esteem already from his comments but when I think about how he humiliated me in front of his family and friends by saying to them I was harassing him if I ever returned his calls. I feel they all see me as a crazy horrible person and I am not.

 

when I removed him as a friend on facebook yesterday I thought it might get a reaction. Today I saw that his brother who I added as a friend a year ago but who never accepted added me today then removed me. I feel he did that to make a statement like you are a piece of poo and I would never have anything to do with you. I feel like even he is laughing at me and seeing me as a revolting human being.

 

I am so kind and caring and would never hurt anyone I just feel like everyone hates me and I am nothing. Most days I just don't want to live because life is a misery for me everyday.

 

I am down and out- is this the way people feel after abuse? is this normal?

 

Does the abuser ever realise the mistakes they have made? Will I ever get a nice word from him that is truly meant?

 

I feel like I still seek his validation because he destroyed me so much. I feel like if he just took everything back he said and did to me I would be ok.

 

I hate how I feel and act at the moment. I am so gutted I gave up NC after 24 days. I was being so strong and now I hate myself for falling for his trap of an apology.

[fiffy]

Does anyone know why if he has moved on, found a new girlfriend etc he feels the need to be so nasty to me? why would he go off the handle then have to make a point to show me the girl the next day. He always does this. Straight after an argument he would write how much he loves his new girlfriend. Its pathetic really. Its like he protests too much.

 

If I were over someone I would just be disinterested. I would have no feelings for the other person bad or good I would just say hey hope your well have a chat and say bye. Nice calm and ambivilant.

 

WHy do I wind this guy up so much?

[dreamwarrior]

Don't even acknowledge his existence....you don't need any validation from him or anyone else for that matter...you are your own person....far as poo is concerned if he is going to that extent to hurt you then he is the poo.

 

Ha and this so-called new gf....If it were me I would give her my sympathy and condolences....if she is so beautiful by the time he is finished with her she may be black and blue.

[blackgnat]

He's a sadistic, narcissistic bullying piece of .

 

Don't waste any more of your time trying to figure out what, why or who he's doing.

 

Ignore his family -what are they to you? Nobody important.

[coolgirl]

_____________________________________________________________________________________

About his new girlfriend I dont think you should be so much concerned about how or the way he loves her. Good for him that he does and you can find yourself someone worthy to love you back.

 

How did i cope with it. It was really hard. So hard to get out of too actually I went to therpy and seeing a psycatrist I became severly depressed over the situation he put me through and believe me the first year was hell. I know how you feel cuz i had that too cuz he to embarrassed me for doing what he did. I lost both myself esteem and confidence and still haven't got it back and I still have to go back due to other problems from my life. And hoping this time around it works but with sessions and medication. I put my ex aside for good and let him be the way he is. And as time went on still with a little help from therpy I learned to put it aside for good because a part of me wanted too. If you feel that therpy or counceling will help you why not go to it and just have someone to talk too. And help you regain your self confidence and self esteem back? I'm sure you want to do that right? i can assure you this you are NOT crazy if anyone is its him. So dont think for a second you are.

 

As far as his family if he said anything bad about you towards them I think its best to put them aside too. I'm pretty sure that you dont want anymore drama from his family side either. Just delete the stuff from his brother and block him so you wouldn't have to hear stuff like this. If you can just stay out of it and let them think what they want to think and it shouldn't be your problem. Just try to focus on getting yourself esteem and confidence back. Seriously, do you want to be involved with his family? For the first time of my life my ex's mother hated me after 4 years. And worst she didnt even get to know me. Like you said I'm a very good and sweet person too that has never talked bad about anyone.

 

I am down and out- is this the way people feel after abuse? is this normal?

 

Yea, it's pretty normal when your coming out of the abuse. I've had that feeling before. Its going to take time for you to get adjusted how long I dont know when ever you feel the time is right that's when you know.

 

Does the abuser ever realise the mistakes they have made? Will I ever get a nice word from him that is truly meant? I hope this site answer's some of your question. link removed

 

I think you know that he's never going to take back what he said. Even if he did it would be out of pity for you to fall back into his trap again so dont let that happen again. You are stronger than this. And if you feel like you want to talk some more feel free to PM me anytime. So stick with your NC and stay strong and postive through out this.

 

Take Care Girl.

[philomela]

Hello there

 

I agree with the others about not worrying about what his family thinks. If they have someone like him as a part of their family, he learned from how he grew up and the people he was around, so chances are the majority of his immediate family is probably very similar to the way he is. Do you get what I'm saying?

 

All I can tell you is he's not leaving you alone because he obviously can't stop thinking about you. I don't mean this in a good way, but you must take up a lot of his thoughts if he is so constantly willing to go out of his way to try to make you feel bad. And it's working, isn't it?You are giving him attention and thus fueling the fire.So why would he stop when you always bite? I think you did a good thing by blocking him. Look at him, how pathetic is he that he feels the need to make you feel bad, though he's supposedly moved on? Let him alone to play his ridiculous little games by himself.

 

You obviously still have feelings for him as well. Though, logically, you know he is such a very bad person, your heart is still attached to him in a way. Sit down with yourself and really think about it.He may have been good in some ways, but he hurt you, repeatedly, and said things to you that noone has any business saying to anybody. What if he was dating your sister, or close friend, wouldn't you tell them to run and never look back?

 

As for your self confidence, feeling fat and ugly, sweetie, you look lovely in that photo. you do not look overweight. And even if you were, that does not reflect on the kind of person that you are, and does not determine whether or not you are deserving of love and intimacy. You come off as a very sweet, intelligent person who got mixed up with a jerk who took advantage of your sweetness. You deserve better than that.

 

And believe me, if I at 260lbs can find someone who finds me not only beautiful but incredibly desirable, you will find someone who loves your heart and also respects you and your body. Sometimes these things take time, but you have to believe that you deserve it.

 

I wish you strength and the courage to do what you know is right.

[fiffy]

Thank you for all of your responses they are so incredibly helpful and just to reread them through the day has made it easier.

 

I have got to the point where I just am so tired of his abuse and games I have no energy left to play them. I loved and cared for him so much and all he does is hate me with a vengance. I don't know where all his hate towards me comes from and I don't think I ever will.

 

I just can't wait to get over the heartache.

 

Why is it possible to still love a person who has inflicted abuse?

 

WHy do I feel jealousy about his new girlfriend?

 

Usually the man begs for forgiveness for his mistakes and wants to try again. I have never heard of an abuser rejecting his victim like they are a piece of trash- again this makes me feel even more worthless. I was nothing to him. I gave him all those years to just be spat out.

[coolgirl]

Seriously, do you really want to know the reason why? Because I know I wouldn't care one bit as to why he hates me. He hates me that's fine with me too big deal. Who cares. Just move on with your life and find someone that is willing to give you love and support. Because deep down you really loved this guy very much and you wouldn't think one bit as to why he's doing this and you know what its a good thing you saw this in him now rather than later, imagine if you were married to him and going through this. So you should be lucky to be out of this relationship. I know i wasn't jealous of my ex's fiance because I could care less and i would feel sorry for the girl he would be marrying him. So think of it this way you should feel sorry for the girl he's involved with. And be glad your out of it. I was at the stage in my life too feeling worthless because i sacrificed my life for this moran and i got was his abuse and nothing more. So to sum it all up. I think you should stay NC with this man forever block his emails, block his phone number, get rid of his family on facebook or who ever you have on there, start working on getting yourself esteem and confidence back and do know you are worth alot. He's just some pervert that didnt care about you. forget him apologizing cuz he will never do it. Mine's still hasn't. And find yourself a decent man that can give you what you want. If you feel like talking more feel free to PM me anytime I be happy to talk to you.

[dreamwarrior]

The only man I am in love with is Ben Franklin...smiles

 

People say money cannot buy love or friends...this I am sure is true, but heck gotta admit without it life is much more hard....using money wisely and for your basic needs is important....and it's going to get me my own place away from my ex's old apartment.

 

Hahaha...it's so funny...for the 20+ years he lived here and all the girls he just tossed out of here...I come along and toss him out of his own apartment....and on top of that I live with his roommate who told me I don't have to pay any rent...and to just pay off my credit cards...cool old guy.

 

Far as my ex is concerned...as long as he isn't showing his face around here then that is great for me.

 

Hon, today and there after is a new day...you enjoy it.

 

I am conversing with a mortgage broker and on Wednesday I have an appointment at 2:00 p.m. to discuss the beginning procedures of buying my first home...then this Saturday I am going to get permanent makeup, and then next Wednesday I am going to start school....have my classes and books already...then the week after I start my karate lessons again for the new semester....and in the meantime I am living rent free, paying off my debts, and banking my money hard...keeping my looks and figure in tact, my finances, my education, circle of good friends/family...cannot go wrong there.

 

Now, if my ex wants to do drugs, sell himself for sex to other guys, never accomplish anything, use another girl for his own needy purposes, in which if his mother has anything to do with it he will never be in any relationship, because his mother screws with his mind all the time...and then he does the same to other people.

 

My ex never hit me, nor did he compare me to other girls...because if there is only one thing good I can say about him is that he admired my courage, strength, and, beauty and even as a drug addict there was a glimmer of a person there deep inside. He was the one who is messed up not me....even up to the very second before I layed the bomb on him I didn't want to take him back, he had praised me.

 

Many times he would tell me how inadequate he felt compared to me. But, sorry to say, he is the one who is going to have to stay away from those drug addict people he calls, "friends"...I am not his babysitter.

 

I had to go before the vampire turned me into dust.

 

Sooooooo very sorry you are dealing with this now...it will get better....just save every single penny you can, keep your debts lower, take care of yourself inside/and out, and do something for yourself every single day.

 

Good luck to you and all my best wishes.

[fiffy]

Thanks guys for all your support,

 

dreamwarrior your story is so amazing how you have pulled yourself out of all that mess.

 

I have changed my phone number had all my e-mails block him from contacting him, I have removed him and his family from facebook and know now he can never contact me again.

 

I cried a lot last night but purely because I knew it was the total end of any contact and any hope. I know deep down this guy is so messed up and comes from a family where something very bad has obviously gone on. One brother is schitzophrenic, another is an alcoholic with a gambling addiction then himself and his sister suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. he is 38 and his brothers and sister are 42, 54, and 43. All of them are single, never been married and can't hold down a relationship. I just have to look and see all the warning signs were there.

 

I was very afraid of his parents there was something in them that made me want to please them but deep down there was fear towardas them.

 

I think my ex has probably had experiences of abuse worse than I have suffered at the hands of him. I don't hate him for what he has done but I do feel lucky that we did not get married or have kids.

 

We had just started to try for a family when we ended. I am so glad now I was not pregnant when I thought I was.

 

I am going to try and rebuild my life. I am looking forward to doing an evening class at college and I would love to feel healthy and happy again, so I am going to concentrate on diet and exercise to help that. With time I hope to get back into my dream career and studies and hopefully I will never think of this in the future.

 

The funny thing is the day I blocked him off facebook and removed him as my friend he came off facebook. He must have been checking for my profile and when he had seen that his efforts to hurt me with comments and declarations of love for his new girlfriend had gone unseen he must have got mad. I knew he was only using facebook as a tool to hurt me so his reaction made me laugh. He is so transparent.

 

It is nice to feel that I have a little control back over my life