stabbedintheback Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Here are my posts dealing with the situation: So a quick "catch up". She tried calling me on NYE from a number I didn't recognize. I ended up texting her back in the morning (I am trying LC, been doing this for about 4 or 5 weeks now) and asked her if she tried contacting me. Her answer was yes, ending up giving her a call and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Good conversation (she kept on throwing words out, like we were basically married, etc... when we spoke of stuff that reminded her of the past. I left it at that and decided to hold off on contact because I was getting mixed emotions and didn't know what to think....So I hadn't heard or made contact from her until tonight. I get a text message asking whatch doin, do you want to come over and hang out? I decide to go over there for a couple of hours. She has her kids this weekend so I know they will be there. (mixed thought's about them being around me when their mother and I arae going through this. It is very hard for me when her daughter sends me , "we miss you soooooomuch, I hope you and mom get things worked out soon). They were basically my kids and would do anythign for them. They are just great. I get over to her place; she had just moved in a day ago. So I walk in and one of the first things I see is a bunch of picture frames of her and her ex from a couple years ago. Kind of weird and gave me a lump in my stomach. Again, she had just got a lot of stuff from storage that she didn't have when we lived together. Now, I didn't have a big trust issue, just a minor from time to time. I was always wanting her to go out with friends, etc...she has MANY guy friends, which is fine (some took awhile for me to get used to talking to her so much). I guess they remained friends (some pictures had "friends" on the frame) but it was a little weird to see a picture of him huggin her from behind, just the two of them in the picture. Here's the kicker, I believe he is moving back into town this month. May not be a big thing, just caught me off guard. During my visit she kept on making eye contact. I told her good night at the end of the evening and came home. My question, am I getting pulled around or is she just taking it slow? Se we agreed about a month ago that we are on the right track (talking, etc...) I don't speak of the relationship.....I am trying the whole "Sparkie" attempt, being friends and so forth. I still love this girl very much and want to be with her but don't want to put any pressure on her. How should I react to this evening? I have been thinking about talking to her again to see where she stands. It is very hard to be friends when I have feelings, especially when there are kids. Sorry for the long post. Any feedback/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I want to thank the memebers of ENA, you rock! You have all hgelped me so much over the past two months. Link to comment
DN Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I would have to wonder if she is playing some sort of game - she had to know that you would see that picture of the ex. Not a pleasant thing to do to someone. Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 I would have to wonder if she is playing some sort of game - she had to know that you would see that picture of the ex. Not a pleasant thing to do to someone. That's what I was wondering. She invoted me over and the only thing setup so far besides her bedroom is all the pictures on the shelves/mantle. If I turned the situation around and I invited her over to my place and had pictures of my ex hugging on me, i think she would get super pissed and probably stomp out. Again, we are not together so I can't say much about it, but it just seems immature. Was it a test since I mad a comment out her being faithful the night before our breakup? Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 ANybody else, I am really looking for suggestions. My mind is running all over the place this morning. Part of me wants to ask her if she would like to hang out tonight and part of me just wants to get everything out on the table. (again....) So confused](*,) Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 So I asked her if she wanted to maybe hang out for awhile this evening. Of course she says, I don't know, I have to do x, y, and z...... I jsut can't figure it out, why when I try to go NC, she calls when she doens't here from me. She asks me to come over, which I do. Then when I ask her, she says I don't know. Why do they do this. I am so sick of this game playing and I keep getting sucked in doing it to myself. I am just going to drop it and move on, but part of me wants to call her and lay it out on the table. I want to be her friend, but it is just extremely hard when I know I still have feelings and I am unsure if she does. Why me? Link to comment
Jester1586 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Do you hang out with her every time she asks you to? Maybe you need to turn her down a couple times, or just not answer the phone and call her back the next day. To me, it looks like she knows you'll be there no matter what. You need to show hehr that you won't be there every time. Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Do you hang out with her every time she asks you to?. Unfortunately I have hung out with her most times. I know I have to be able to say no. It was especially hard last night since her kids were there. I have been able to however refrain from texting/calling her back everytime she calls or texts me. Thanks for the advice. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Hey matey, Limbo land is a nightmare. So much invested into such little return. FWIW, I think she still cares a great deal and hasn't ruled anything out. The key is to keep your head on straight, especially when in contact with her. As you know, I'm not one for NC! But I think she needs to 'value' you a bit more. The ultimate aim I guess is for her to miss you when you're not around, to enjoy your company when you are, and to not want to risk losing you. IMHO, your job is to create that. It started for me, with me. Being confident in myself, so I could ride a few punches. Very very hard though and i failed on many occasions, but thats the aim - to not have my mood depend on her mood. There is no quick fix, so what does it matter if you say no once in a while, or she doesn't ring for a week. When I look back at my situation, it was pretty rapid, but it felt like years! Keep busy, so you're not waiting around. Let her see your life changing, with or without her. Tell her about the fun things you're doing, the fun life you're having. She'll want a part of it. Rather than her feeling its just the same old you, who'll be there when she wants you to be. IMO, work out a plan, and stick with it. That way its proactive, not reactive. Reacting is bad. Way easier said than done though. Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks Sparkie! I agree with the whole value idea. Right now I feel that I am putting way more in and that she is for lack of better terms "sitting on the sidelines" only to get off the bench and make some plays every so often. I know my next step is to tell her "no" when she asks me to do something, come over, see her, etc....I can tell you that everytime we talk she seems to dig at what I am doing. I kinda play it off, but I do (as suggested by you) talk about the good things that are going on or what I am doing. She knows that I have been keeping myself busy with friends. On NYE, she told her father that I probably didn't return her call because I didn't know the number that was calling me. SHe also threw the "i figured you went out with your friends" jab in there. Something else that I think may have got to her was that I have been working out and taking care of myself. One more thing, when we were living together we always talked about buying a house, etc....I have brought that up that I am looking and will hopefully be making a purchase within the year. I think that may have affected her, not sure, but she seemed caught off guard when i mentioned it. Anyways, I am going ot play it cool. The next cotnact will have to come from her and when she asks me to do something, etc.....I am going ot try my very best to say "no". Thanks again for your input!=D> Link to comment
Sparkie Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thats cool. I wouldn't even say 'no'. I'd just say 'sure, I'd love to. What've you got in mind?' Let her suggest a time, and then say 'Bummer - I'm doing {insert pre-prepared bull5h!t}that night. Maybe some other time?' Don't suggest another time, let her do it. That way you are not being rude or seemingly playing games, you sound keen, but you still knock her back. Genius! Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thats cool. I wouldn't even say 'no'. I'd just say 'sure, I'd love to. What've you got in mind?' Let her suggest a time, and then say 'Bummer - I'm doing {insert pre-prepared bull5h!t}that night. Maybe some other time?' Don't suggest another time, let her do it. That way you are not being rude or seemingly playing games, you sound keen, but you still knock her back. Genius! Interesting...... I have never thought about it that way. If and when she makes her next attempt to do something I may give this a try. As far as the {insert pre-prepared bull5h!t} Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Well today was much better than yesterday. I have to admit, yesterday was one of "those" days that really tested me. It just jjumped up an bit me and I didn't have a clue how to react. I can tell you that I did some thinking and told myself I just have to keep on pushing forward. I am teter-tottering right now. My emotions were a wreck yesterday and I think i got them back in check today. The more I kept on thinking about the pictures of her ex on the book shelves the more it kept on gettting under my skin. I kept on asking myself do I really want someone that invites me over and has pictures of an ex everywhere? Sorry, had to get that off my chest. That really hurt, but unfortunately I still want to be with her (heck, my mind is soup right now, I am not sure 100% what I want. LOL) So I am taking it easy not trying to think about her every second of the day. Here's a weird situation.....There is this great looking girl at work. (I have never been big on the pen in the company ink thing) We have always kind of flirted, but on a friend level. Well, I can talk to her in confidence, so I talk with her about my ex and she is currently having problems with her man so she talks about them with me. When we talk, we are on the same levels so many ways and have a lot in common. Last week were discussing something and she said there are no good men left and right away said, "except for you". Just made me think. Point being, at least I know I can think about other women but would have to say I am in no way shape or form (or at least I think) to date right now. (if that were to happen) Just getting stuff of my chest. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Glad you're back on track mate. Its a long and testing road... Link to comment
stabbedintheback Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Glad you're back on track mate. Its a long and testing road... Thanks Sparkie, feeling much better. Trying to keep my chin up! Link to comment
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