MY b/f looks at porn

[blondspeck]

My b/f is constantly looking on the porn sites and it is really upsetting me. I don't know what to do. I am jealouse and hurt all at once. It makes me feel as if I'm not attractive to him, that he wants someone else. to make matters worse he never sleeps with me on the couch all the time. I tell him this but he keeps going there all the time. He says it's because I don't have sex with him, but I don't want to touch him when I see that on my pc. What is soo bad about me that he has to go get hot over other women. It really really hurts. Maybe if I made a video and put it on the net it would get his attention. Maybe than he would not go there. It is soo gross why look at that. It makes love mean nothing because there is no love there. Sex is suppose to be beautiful not degrading like on the porn. Why does he hate me?

[mermayd]

hey blondspeck! I was in the exact same position as you only a few weeks ago...maybe a month. I had the same feelings and questions as you are expressing, here. I felt unattractive and like I wasn't preorming well or something. But, hon, this is NOT the case! A man needs visual stimulation, that is why he looks at porn. I can understand from you that you are COMPLETELY turned off from this and want nothing to do with sex after you are subjected to these (disgusting) photographs. Try making advances towards him before he ahs a chance to get to the computer. Also, one friend pointed out to me while I was struggling with this that he refuses to objectify you. You mean more to him than being just a piece of meat. I know that some of this may not be helpful right now, it wasn't completely helpful when I was given these suggestions, but once I acted upon them and realized that I meant more to him than I was giving him credit for, things began to get much more clear. You cannot get upset at a man for being attracted towards other women. It is human instinct and cannot in any way be avoided. Just as women will be attracted to men as well, but do not act on it. Try to look at it as he is being faithful to you. he is looking at pictures, not actually having sex with other women. Once things became clear to me and I began to just throw the idea out of my mind and disregard the thought completely, I began to naturally be more attracted to my bf, and I became more attractive to him as well. At this point, he has not looked at porn at all. Maybe if you just accept it as a natural instinct and be happy that he is not objectifying you and happy that he is not cheating on you, your results in your relationship could be similar. another key point in all of this is trust. You need to establish a strong trust with him to build off of and everything else will sort of fall into place.

[RubyInnocence]

Hey there. I know everyone has different opinions about porn, so you may not agree with my advice, but I really hope I help!

That being said, let me also say that while my boyfriend looks at porn, I do too. Is this the only reason that you do not have sex with your boyfriend? If it is, please don't let this interfere with your sex life. It's a little bit like reverse psychology. You tell a child not to something over and over, and you make it into an issue, and the child is going to want to do it more and more. Men are just like children, so I know your boyfriend is no different. Try not to put such an emphasis on his habit of watching porn, and try to identify what the problem is in your sex life. I'm not saying that he looks at porn because of something you're doing wrong, because it is a very natural instinct that men get off on seeing naked women. Some men can masturbate without a visual, but some men need something to turn them on.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months and have sex about 4-6 times a week. Our sex life is very healthy, and we love each other very deeply, but we both look at porn. I look at it because sometimes when he's not there and I know I won't see him I need some stimulation. He's the same way. When we're together, however, we have looked at it for fun, but mostly we concentrate on each other. Tell him that it bothers you, and ask him what you can do to improve your sex life and make him stop looking at it so much (most guys just won't go cold turkey)

Please don't feel degraded or wronged by your boyfriend looking at porn, because it really isn't because he finds you unattractive. Men want sex, and if something is lacking in their sex life, they need some sort of outlet, and the only faithful outlet is porn. Hopefully what I've said has helped and you will be able to talk to him about this. Good luck!

[Cindy C]

I Use to be like that too wondering why he has to look at porn if he has me. I got over that and accepted it and now we both look at porn and watch it on tv. Alot of men look at porn because maybe they want to see what moves he could do to you. Thats why my guy does it he wants to see if there is anyhting that will please me. yes of course the girls are very pretty and stuff but you have to keep in mind will they ever meet them. When I see my man on the Pc looking at porn I say babe you want a bucket for that drool I make a joke out of it. Alot people watch porn just to see if there is anyhting new that they can do to please there partner and believe me I have learned some things lol. Porn isnt really that bad. But if you do feel strongly about it then give him the ultimadum either you or porn.

[zippitt]

From a males perspective. Using porn has never made me appreciate women any less, it has never made me think of my lover any less. I use it when sex is unavailable or when we watch it together for extra stimulation. I have a huge sex drive, if I had no porn I would make up things in my head. I can tell you that most men who do not use porn think up people, positions, and senarios when masturbating. Sometimes these images can be of our partners, or completely random people. How is this really all that different from porn, imagining things. It's not like pictures are interactive, make noises or faces. Actually the imagination can be worse for this. I find it easy, less personal, more of a quick release of sexual tension with porn than using my imagination. Now if your man uses it when you want to make love or have sex you have a problem. I have never used porn when I could make love to a woman. When porn becomes a substitution for the intimacy two people share then something is certainly wrong. As for blondespeck, you two really need to talk. Let him know how you feel about the porn, and why it is you don't want to have sex with him. You guys need to work out some sort of compromise. Do not ever ask him to completely stop with the porn if you love this man. It will make him lie to you when confronted about still viewing porn. Ask him to cut back, or not make it so obvious, or not to do it when you're around. I am sorry that you feel the way you do, I certainly can't say how it is for you two. I hope it works out for the two of you.

[sisterlynch]

Don't get me wrong, I am not totally against porn, what I was responding to is the way that man is presenting himself. Some people can see something interesting and turn it off when they are finished, and some people are up all night reading and looking at pictures. If the lady is sleeping in the bed and the man on the couch, then there is a problem. Some porn is more repulsive than others, I have thrown out brand new DVD's that I found offensive because it was feeding into a need to see more.

[blondspeck]

Thank You for all of your insight and experiences. He doesn't understand how I feel. I tell him over and over. Part of my lack of interest is the porn it disgusts me soo much. The other and he doesn't get it is I work a fulltime job, go to college and have 3 kids one is 9 one is 2 one is 1. I get up at 4 a.m. go to work than go to school and come home and deal with the kids, housework, homework and him being upset because the house is clean. He doesn't work and has all this free time and doesn't understand I don't have the same. The nights we could be intimate he is on the pc looking at porn than sleeping on the couch. Or he wants to have sex after he's on there and I'm disgusted and don't want to be touched after he gets hot over someone else.

[zippitt]

I think he has an addiction, you might need to get him to counseling. If you have talked to him and refuses to help in anyway, and refuses counseling you may just have to give him an ultimatum. If he sits at home all day and does nothing but look at porn that's just wrong, he needs help or you need to leave.

[cork79]

I wouldn't take it personally. I am a guy, and it doesn't matter who he is we all enjoy porn. If a guy says he doesn't he is a true religious nutbag or a liar. Most men are more interested in sex than woman. Its perfectly natural.

The more you nag your boyfriend about it, the more he will want to do it to piss you off. The boy needs some lovin. If you are depriving him of it he will look elsewhere. Your just lucky he is looking and porn instead of cheating on you. So if you really like this guy don't nag him about it and give him some much deserved attention!

[Kitsy]

oooo man! talk to him about it! ask him why he needs these pictures to pleasure him when he has you. good luck

[angel23]

Me and my boyfriend have been together over a year and a half. I have always noticed that he looks at porn. It bothers me alot. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and that he is looking for someone else. Everyone says it is a natural thing for a man to do, but he does it all the time. I think that is mainly why he gets on the computer. I have told him I didn't like it and he just gets mad at me. He says I am being controlling. He is always saying he wouldn't care if I looked at porn. Me and him watch pornos together sometime. That doesn't bother me. But when he is on the computer looking at it all the time it really bothers. I don't know what to do. Everytime i bring the subject up, he gets very angry. Like last night I went into the bedroom and seen a naked women on the screen, I asked him if he was looking at porn, he gets all mad, logs off the computer. He says I am always assuming he is looking at porn when he is on the computer, but it is true. Does anyone have any advice?

[Dawnie]

sorry, just had to comment, that i don't know how any woman can't get pissed off when her guy is jerkin off over some skinny slut or what... she will be the one in his thoughts not u....

[Dawnie]

I think you need to look at it like this, if your partner does it, then why shouldn't we? as men think it is alright, then fine. see the thing is that this obviously does piss us off because it makes us think that we are not all our other half wants and this then makes us worry more. The thing is that this downgrades us to think that we are enough for them, so its simple you just do the same to them, there is lots of porn available for both sexes so go out there and use it, i know this might sound immature but this should make him feel what you are feeling, obviously don't tell him what your upto. good luck ladies and have fun i did

[suki3]

I've been with my current boyfriend for over 2 years, yet he still surfs porn sites. He says it's because he's "bored" (aka something to do) or because it keeps him from cheating.

 

I say BS and he has promised to stop it b/c he knows I won't stand for it. It is degrading AND if he wants to pleasure himself he can do so without the visual aides available (ad nauseum) on the internet.

 

I will leave him if I find it again b/c it makes me disrespect and distrust him when I see it.

 

And as far as the "objectify" comment earlier.... so it's ok to objectify other women as pure sexual beings? We should be thankful that he's indulging porn fantasies on others? What about those women online or in mags that are being degraded?

 

I tell you what, if our (or any) society took one RACE and put them in a total sexual light (without any other value), it would not be tolerated.

Make no mistake, porn is dangerous, and men need to be educated not placated.

 

Anyhow, my 2 cents have run out.

[shelli]

My husband is completely addicted to porn. At first we had a crazy wonderful sex life. Now I feel as if the porn has taken the place of the real thing. I have posted elsewhere on this site that I have literally begged for sex. (For this I am ashamed) He still would rather masturbate than be with me. We have talked and talked and talked. I am tired of talking about it. He says that it turns him off that I come on to him all of the time. When I lay off it is the same thing. We used to have so much fun. The only time in the past 2 years that he has really been excited with me is for a week or two after we had went to a swingers party. It was fun, but not something I would do all of the time. I feel like he needs the extreme to be excited. I like going crazy sometimes but I need to know that he wants me, just plain ol' me every now and then too. He will stay up until just a few hours before he has to go to work downloading porn. He has over a thousand video clips. He is great to me outside of all of this, but I am seriously considering leaving him. I am a sexual being too. I have needs and desires that are being set aside everyday. I don't want to go outside of my marriage but satisfying myself by myself is getting old fast.

I don't have a problem with porn in general, it is the amount of it, the time spent looking at it, and the fact that fantasy is better than reality for my husband.

When he does want real sex I feel like a dog accepting scraps from the masters table. Should I be grateful? *Bleep* that. I am very angry and hurt but he trivializes it. I am beginning to hate him for all of this.

[Amber]

I will never understand men. My boyfriend often teases me and says I'm like a man because I'm always wanting sex. The other night we had sex he got off twice. Then as soon as he got home from work the next day (he gets off an hour before I do) he has to masturbate and get off yet again. This bothers me because when I get home I can't get any pleasure. I don't undrerstand why he can't just wait an hour till I get home. I'm supposed to be the horney one (according to him.) And of course if I do get him to fool around and have sex he doesn't get off, so really what's the point? This really bothers me because it seems like I'm nagging him for sex all the time. I am more than willing to do anything to give him pleasure as often as he likes.

He also refuses to let me watch porn with him, so it makes it hard to find out what turns him on. (or off for that matter)and refuses to try anything I want to do. I'm not asking for much just maybe take a shower together or play with body paint or something. I'm still young (22) and would like to have fun and try new things while we still have no distractions. ie children, an second job...something like that. All I'm asking is that he takes my needs into consideration and not masturbate when he knows that I'm going to be home in an hour or so. Why can't he just wait on me? Is that really too much to ask?

While I'm at it and have a minute to vent. Why do men think that porn and romance novels are even close to comparison. I've heard many people say that romance novels are for women the same as porn is for men. How many women have you heard of that masturbate to romance novels? To me that's just rediculous.

[pinkresidue]

just last night i had this issue with my boyfriend. i still feel confused about the whole thing. i was on the verge of breaking up with him. which is nuts because i love him very much. i think i over reacted a little. but porn is just a really huge turn off for me. and i was thinking that i wasn't enough for him, and that hurts. he told me something like, you were in the back of my mind the whole time, which i guess was supposed to help. poor boy. and it was only that one time, but still i was so offended. i had to calm down. i forgave him and then went to bed and thought some more. i've read erotica (my fave) but i never masturbate. but still, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. and he promised to never look at it again, which i think is better than your situation. but still, i understand. mostly i think i'll forgive him. but for women in general, we need to be respected in a relationship and if we're not enough for that one person, maybe we should move on to someone who will be satisfied with only us.

[Tarheel81]

I cannot even explain how close to home this hits. My girlfriend says she's not sure she can live with someone who looks at porn. I ask her why and she says she thinks it's gross. Well, I happen to think differently, what's so wrong with that. Then, she said she felt like I was cheating on her and looking for something else. When I tried to explain that she is the only woman I want and that I just look to look, she started crying again. I really love her and don't want this to end our relationship, but I've been looking at naked women and people having sex since I was like 10 and first found my dad's magazines. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I can be turned on by other women when they're naked. No other women could turn me on the way my girlfriend does. She doesn't understand though. I don't know what to do.

As for Suki saying that we are degrading women by looking at them, it's too late they have "degraded" themselves already by taking the pictures if you really think like that. I don't see how it is degrading to show off your body though. I guess most of Europe's beaches are stomping grounds of degrading persons because they walk around topless and/or bottomless!! Give me a break.

[Amber]

Hey Tarheel81, my boyrfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now and of course he looks at porn everytime I'm out of the house. This bothered me because he was looking at porn more often than we were having sex. I felt like he really didn't love me or find me attractive. At fist whenever we'd talk about it he'd try to shrug it off as not a big deal. I'm sure it really wasn't to him, but it was to me. Finally, the other day we were on a road trip, and I flat out told him that we had to come to some sort of comprimise about the porn because I was ready to call it quits if our sex life didn't improve. I told him that I don't mind porn, but that I do mind that he's looking at it more often than we were having sex. I told him that I hate when he looks at naked chicks. It makes me feel insecure and that he is looking for someone else to turn him on. Before I met my boyfriend I felt like my body was perfect and that I was so lucky because if I had the chance I would never change a thing about it. Then I find out my boyfriend is looking at naked women who have biger boobs, who are taller, who have long perfect hair and flawless skin. Now I find myself growing my hair out and thinking about getting a boob job, because I think it will make me more attractive. Which, I know is rediculous because my boobs are already too big for my body and I'm beautiful.

Anyway, my point is that my boyfriend never thought about how looking at naked women affected the way I felt. Now that he knows he has promised to unsubscribe to the porn sites that have just naked women. Of course he's still looking at porn all the time, but we're also having sex at least once a day most of the time twice, when we can. Now there's so much more passion too, it's just been great. I don't think he ever realized how eager I am to please him. I'm sure that's the way most women are. And I'm sure that if you show your girlfriend you are willing to try to come to a comprimise with her you won't really be giving up much, and she will be willing to show you more passion than you've ever known. You have to realize that most women rarely masturbate, so you're it. You are the only one that gives her pleasure, and she needs it just as often as you do.

[speedracer780]

Every woman on her has posted relativly the same thing. They all feel bad when they find out that their man looks at porn. I'm a guy and I agree that if he is looking at porn instead of having sex with you than there is a real serious problem. However, if you are not having alot of sex with your man and he ends up looking at porn because he can't get any from you, than that's your own fault. I admit guys in general (I hate making blanket comments) look at porn. There is a reason for everything. Wether it be that he wants to be kinkier than you are willing to so he fantasizes with the use of porn or that he's just plain horny and you "aren't in the mood". It's not all the guys fault. Look in the mirror before you are so quick to point the finger. Share the fault and you'll work through it just fine. I'm just sooo sick of partners completely putting all the blame on the other, when it was thier own fault in the first place.

[m3chris]

Alright, I agree with the fact that men in General look at porn. HOWEVER.....women in general don't like it. Women want to be treasured, loved, and when they are in a relationship, want to think they are the most important girl in their partner's life.

 

It hurts alot of women to learn to accept porn. It doesn't hurt men to stop. It may be hard.....they may go through withdrawls, but its their own fault for starting in the first place. Its just like drugs. Example: Why do family members have to deal with second-hand smoke and the dangers of it because the father/husband doesn't want to quit and "most guys" do it?

 

Blondespeck.....You need to realize something. Obviously its not in your personality to be accepting of porn. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I totally agree with the fact that sex in a relationship should be something that is kept between you and your partner. I'm going through something of the same situation and I know how hard it is. You come home from a full time job, and expect to be greeted by the man you love, and he loves you and only you. Instead, he is off taking it easy looking at other girls and you are left to take care of the kids. Its TOTALLY maddening.

 

Don't give up hope. Its a good thing you aren't married to him yet because that just makes things harder on the situation. But trying to force him to stop will only make him find ways to hide it from you. Don't force it on him to quit. If you seem to come accross more understanding of it (EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE HATING IT INSIDE) you may have a chance to come to a comprimise with him. Maybe set a limit if possible. Example: He can do it...just not in the house because you don't like how the feeling it creates. He will have to find somwhere else to do it. If he truly loves you, he will find ways to still be home, and not always be gone at a friends house somewhere.

 

Sometimes if you don't see it, it makes it easier to deal with. (Sometimes being the keyword. But its better than being hurt ALL the time).

[garymax]

Contrary to the opinion that ALL men look at porn, there are some of us who do not. And it's not because there's no temptation. It is because we have made a quality decision before God not to do it.

 

For one, He is against it and two, it reeks havoc on a marriage as these posts spell out all to well.

 

"It makes me feel unattractive..."

"It makes me feel unwanted..."

"I don't feel like being intimate..."

"How do I compare or compete..."

 

This is what porn does to most women when their BF or husband gets caught up in pornography. Yes, men are stimulated by the visual more so than women but that is not an excuse to be unfaithful. God's intent was that you would seek out a mate and have sex within the confines of the marriage relationship.

 

Today, God is outdated, as everybody has an "If it feels good, go for it..." mentality not even considering what God, the author and creator of sex, has to say about it.

 

Gals, we men have absolutely no "rights" to look at any other women except the ones we are with in a committed relationship. To make you feel "ugly", "unwanted" and to inflict low self-esteem is wrong and at the very least inconsiderate.

 

No woman--or at best, very few--will ever measure up to the fantasy that the man has in his mind. To say "Live with it girls, it's a 'guy thing'" is untenable. It takes two to form a relationship and pornography and its attending fantasies are a breach in any relationship.

 

And lest you think that its OK as long as a man doesn't actually "cheat" on you, according to God, to look to lust IS the performing of the act--not as bad as the act. Obviously, His standards are higher than ours.

 

Finally, the Good Book states that "...as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." The more a person indulges in porn, he is feeding his mind with images that do not disappear over night. And even though it make take some time before it happens, a person, as they continue to look at porn, will eventually be driven to action of some type. We can see this when a man tries something "new" in the bedroom after watching a few "skin" movies.

 

Better to do things God's way rather than to suffer the consequences.

 

Cheers!

[BittyBug]

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years now, we've just moved in together this last january and the times have been wonderful. I relate to these other women so well. My boyfriend looks at porn everyday, and gets "carried away" with it more than often. I come to where I want sex so badly from him I feel like I'll have to cheat to get some because he'd rather his porn than me. I know working 2 different shifts is so hard, but he picks me up from work so why can't he just wait for me instead of reaching for the porn. Times he'll make up those old excuses that hes too tired, hes too stressed, hes just not horny BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can get him horny in a matter of seconds/minutes, but he won't let me even touch him a bit of the times. I've talked to him about this a little before, but he doesn't seem to do anything about it. He doesn't realize how it hurts, especially when I'm willing to give it up for him ANYTIME, but he won't for me. I need to know that he wants me every now and then too. Sometimes he'll even tell me to stop and push my hands away. He makes me feel like I'm dirty and he don't want anything to do with me. It makes me feel terrible. Us women need sexual release too, and its not the same doing the work ourselves. We NEED you guys. I work in a warehouse so I come home after a long day, sometimes very stressful, knowing he got his release and it just makes me want to cry. I wonder what is wrong with me when I see he has looked at the porn again and got "carried away". I've told him if he does it to put his things away after so I don't exactly know. It's like he does it on purpose. Every other part of our relationship is fine. I just wish we had sex like we used to. I told him all I want is a little more attention on me and sex ATLEAST twice a week. I love knowing how I can pleasure him but if I'm so great why doesn't he want me, why does he want the pictures instead. He tells me I'm so sexy and he loves me so much, I'm so good...then put me to use damnit! I'm just tired of trying to make him see how it affects me in the many ways and tired of waiting for when HE wants it from me. Please send advice.

[BittyBug]

Rather than mentioning that hes my b/f, hes actually my fiance. If that changes any of the matter.

[simplypink]

I am in the same situation. I have been with my b/f for over 3 years and have been living together for about a year. This has been an issue in our relationship since we moved in together because that was when I realized that he did it. I will see it in the history of the computer, I see the cable bills (although he tries to hide them) and he even called a number once that I had to get blocked because they are like $40/min. I've tried talking to him about it and he tells me he will stop but I know he rented one a couple days ago. I really don't know if I can tolerate this. I have tried speaking to my guy friends about this and they say it's not normal but my b/f says that most guys do it. I don't know which one is true? Is once aor twice a week normal? I don't mind the masturbating it's the porn and pictures that bother me cause they are real women!! I also feel as if it is cutting into our sex time. I am usually the one initiating it and it really hurts me and embarrasses me when he says no. He is either too tired, or busy. We have sex about once a week but that is honestly not enough for me right now. I am young and I love my b/f very much and love having sex with him. I feel as if he would rather watch these dirty women than to be with the real thing. And I know I don't look like these women but any guy would be lucky to be with me. I would even watch it with him, but he doesn't seem to want that. I ask him if he wants to try new things - but apparently he likes it the way it is. thereforeeeee, it has nothing to do with wanting to spruce up our sex life. I just don't know how to deal with this?