shelli

As a woman, mother, and wife I must tell you that I feel the beginnings of wanting more for myself. For too long I have been taking care of the needs and wants of my family and in this I have lost myself. I no longer know what truly interests me or who I am. I feel as if I am just an extension of my husband and children at times. My husband is very good to me but I feel so burdened with the responsibility of the family that it is hard to have time for me. If you have ever watched the movie The Story of Us the scene where Michelle Pfiefer says that "I am tired of being the designated driver in this marraige" hits home. Mom always being the responsible one, dad always being the fun one. I have the job of paying the bills, disciplining the children. making all decisions even the small ones, working full time, cleaning, etc. etc. etc. while my husband comes home from work plays with the kids, maybe cooks dinner then off to bed. I often joke that I want to resign in my job as a mother and reapply for the father position. My husband often takes the kids for the night so I can go out and have some alone time or time with my friends. The trouble is I feel lost when I am away. I don't know who this Shelli is and how she is supposed to act. I think women in general are realizing that they are individuals as well as the mom and wife. They deserve to grow as this individual and not just get lost in their designated roles. People deserve to live for themselves and not just for the ones they love. I myself hope to strike a balance. Some women just can't seem to do both. I hope that I can.

My husband is completely addicted to porn. At first we had a crazy wonderful sex life. Now I feel as if the porn has taken the place of the real thing. I have posted elsewhere on this site that I have literally begged for sex. (For this I am ashamed) He still would rather masturbate than be with me. We have talked and talked and talked. I am tired of talking about it. He says that it turns him off that I come on to him all of the time. When I lay off it is the same thing. We used to have so much fun. The only time in the past 2 years that he has really been excited with me is for a week or two after we had went to a swingers party. It was fun, but not something I would do all of the time. I feel like he needs the extreme to be excited. I like going crazy sometimes but I need to know that he wants me, just plain ol' me every now and then too. He will stay up until just a few hours before he has to go to work downloading porn. He has over a thousand video clips. He is great to me outside of all of this, but I am seriously considering leaving him. I am a sexual being too. I have needs and desires that are being set aside everyday. I don't want to go outside of my marriage but satisfying myself by myself is getting old fast. I don't have a problem with porn in general, it is the amount of it, the time spent looking at it, and the fact that fantasy is better than reality for my husband. When he does want real sex I feel like a dog accepting scraps from the masters table. Should I be grateful? *Bleep* that. I am very angry and hurt but he trivializes it. I am beginning to hate him for all of this.

Deep in my heart I don't think so. He has been working incredible hours (about 110 hours a week) for months now. Nothing else indicates that he is. It would almost be easier to except this kind of rejection if it were another woman instead of what it is. I have tried to talk to him repeatedly and he just says that he is depressed and that he feels like I am pressuring him. He still loves on me, holds me, and cuddles with me but it never goes beyond that at all. ???????

Where to start? First of all, I am here out of desperation. I want my marriage to work (don't we all) Here is the problem. My husband and I have been together (married) for about 3.5 years. I am currently pregnant with our second child. (Due any day now). The fact that I am pregant at all surprises me. You see, my husband is and has been completely uninterested in sex with me for over 1.5 years now. The last time we had sex that I did not have to beg, bug, or plead for was when we were trying to conceive again. He completely loves being a father and wanted a second child right away. I am a very sexual person. I don't have alot of inhibitions and am all about pleasing myself and my husband. He says that he has not been interested because I ask too much, want it too much, and/or come on to him all of the time. I have tried not acting interested. That lasted for about a month then I realized that he didn't want it then either. I could chalk all of this up to his extremely stressful work situation but here is the kicker. He is a complete porn junkie. He literally has thousands of downloaded videos. This would not bother me so much if he would atleast channel some of this to me. It seems that he would rather please himself everynight then have sex with his wife. I am trying very hard not to take this personally but how can I not? While dating and for awhile after being together sex was unimaginably great. We both had great appetites and were very adventurous. We even tried swinging and voyeur parties. His suggestion back then, it was fun. I am starting to have doubts about my looks. My self esteem is suffering tremendously. I have always been attractive to the opposite and same sex. I don't know why my own husband won't touch me. The other aspects of life with him are going well. He is a great dad and a caring sensitive man. He is not abusive at all. He is actually very sensitive and supportive. Everyone in my life always comments on how lucky I am. How they wish their husbands were like mine, blah , blah blah. If they only knew. I can't talk to anyone about this because I feel like there has to be something wrong with me for him not to want me. I am trying to wait this out. I don't want to turn to any other man to feel good about myself. I just want my husband. I could understand if this were all about my changing body due to pregnancy but it was going on well before I became pregant. Does anybody have any suggestions or advice for me? Thank You Shelli