unsure where I stand

[sally02]

Hi everyone,

 

I need an expert advice. I've been dating this guy for three months now. We both were attracted to each other on our first meeting.We've been to a few dates and it's always great. The guy wanted to take me to the lake and spend a weekend with him but before it happened, I told him that I wanted committment if I will be spending a weekend with him. So, he said, that's ok. So, we started sleeping together, but then, after that he said, he doesn't want committments and got scared as he's not ready. Anyway, he broke up with me and I was so hurt. But then , after over a month of break-up and not seeing each other at all, we got back together and he said he really missed me and we got back together again.

During our next date, he said that he was thinking about us and he said that we really have possibilities. He said that he likes me a lot but he doesn't love me yet. And then, this time around I told him , I'm just having fun now and don't care where this relationship is going but deep inside I really wanted to get serious but I just wanted to build this relationship first and let the love develops. But anyhow, he just told me, he wants emailing only and no phone calls.

And then, we dated again after 3 weeks and this time , we really missed each other. I told him the I love you word and then he said I love you, too. I was kind of surprised as I didn't expect that from him. But, I'm not sure if we are into a committed relationship or not as he doesn't want committments. He's not really dating someone else but he's still in the website as I see him sometimes. And we don't call each other, we just emailed. He said he looks forward to my email but he doesn't reply but I know he's reading it.

So, I don't really know if he really cares for me or loves me. He said, he's just strong-willed. He never took me to his house yet. But, he's been in my house and he has met my relatives already as he wants to really meet them. But, he already took me once to his workplace.

So, what do you think of him? Is he fooling around or serious with me? Does he have feelings for me?

[waveseer]

It sounds like he's got more than one girlfriend.

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds like you're allowing him to control the relationship, and have it all on his terms.

 

You really didn't know him for that long, before deciding to sleep with him. You fell for the, "Oh I'm committed to you speech" way too fast, and he later said he wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but you can't put all the blame on him, as you agreed to this so early, and without knowing him that well.

 

I would learn a lesson from this, and tell him to "take a hike."

 

Take care...

[Batya33]

He has told you several times he is not interested in a committed relationship with you and his actions are consistent with that. You lied to yourself about what you wanted and this is the downside. You need to balance the benefits of sticking around (accepting that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you) against the downside - getting more attached, foregoing other opportunities, potential pregnancy/stds. It's sweet that he said he loves you - but means little since he doesn't back that up with a commitment. It's irrelevant that he is not dating others right now since he is keeping his options open. Sorry that this isn't going the way you would like (and I bet he has signs of other women in his life at his place, just a hunch). Take care.

[sally02]

Hi,

 

Yes,that's my fault. After our 5th date I slept with him but it feels I knew him that long as dates really lasted for like 5 hours or so. I know it's my fault for letting him control the relationship but I really like him he's very nice to me everytime we see each other. But, I don't want us to fight. At first, before we slept together, he was really nice to me as in he gave in to everything I want but now it's on his terms.

[Batya33]

I made it a point to get to know someone over a period of months because 5 dates of 5 hours each doesn't give you anything like that opportunity (as I like to say, you know your pairs of socks longer than you knew him before having sex). It sounds from your last post that the positives outweigh the negatives -you like how he treats you, you like him, you enjoy having sex with him and that is worth the downside of him not wanting a serious relationship with you. But if you accept that, you don't get to complain in 6 months from now when he still doesn't want a serious relationship with you. Just something to think about.

[catfeeder]

Hi,

 

Yes,that's my fault. After our 5th date I slept with him but it feels I knew him that long as dates really lasted for like 5 hours or so. I know it's my fault for letting him control the relationship but I really like him he's very nice to me everytime we see each other. But, I don't want us to fight. At first, before we slept together, he was really nice to me as in he gave in to everything I want but now it's on his terms.

 

I wouldn't think of this in terms of 'fault' because we're discussing what you want. If this is good enough for you, then there isn't anyone to blame.

 

Thing is, when you're honest with yourself you seem to be pointing to this not being enough for you. In that case, why settle for someone who fits you in because you're willing to be sexual, but beyond that--what's really in this for you?

 

I'd stop emailing him (what's with that?) and consider dating other people. I think you want and deserve better than this--and this guy isn't the one to give you better.

 

In your corner.

[ghost69]

you are for his convenience.