I don't understand him

[user1988]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a short 3 months, we met by chance and never dreamt of a relationship together but it happened and we were both very happy together. Last week he invited me to spend Christmas with his family for 10 days, which is meeting the parents and any relatives that will be there. The problem lies here, he's a surgeon so he's in and out of the hospital 24/7 and for 5 days I did not hear from him no matter no hard I tried to contact him. A few days ago I flipped out and cried over the phone and that was when he said he thought I was different from his other girlfriends and understood his schedule and that I've changed and is no longer the understanding girlfriend he had. Never once did I complain when he missed our dates or was late or canceled on me at the last moment. There were several times when I would get dressed for our dates and wait for him for hours until midnight just to hear him cancel on me. But never did I get mad, so for him to say something like this to me because of one outburst I had is really unfair. In the past I've been cheated on so the fear and insecurities are still there, I told him this and he said I always bring up my ex and what he did to me and that I blame him for what my ex did. I admit it was my fault but he should understand that I'm only 20 years old while he's 31, I have my needs and I'm only human... I knew it was hard dating a doctor but it just gets harder and harder. I haven't heard from him in 3 days, do men need this much time to calm down? Our trip is in a week and he said he'll think about it. Did one fight really changed my worth in his eyes? Am I no longer worth bringing home? He hasn't brought home a girlfriend in 10 years, I would be the first if he did.

 

Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling lost and alone.

[waveseer]

You aren't alone any more, you're here with us on ena.

 

I don't think what he thinks of you is nearly as important as what you think of you. Your needs are what they are and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with you for not being able to roll with last minute changes and being left in the dark over and over again. Most people couldn't deal with it either. The real question is, are you willing to accept that this relationship isn't meeting your needs?

[meepmeep20]

i don't think it will work out. look at the age difference. he probably just wants a young girl with him to make him feel younger. but also, just because he's bringing home a girl doesn't really mean much. some people do it all the time. not a big deal.

[savignon]

He is probably used to girls being NOT okay with his schedule and thought you'd be okay waiting on pins and needles for him. He's going to have a hard time finding that kind of girl and if it's not you to sit and wait then you don't have to. It has nothing to do with your worth. He maybe thought such a younger girl would be so impressed that he's a doctor that they wouldn't care about waiting around. It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you're looking for and it seems he underestimated you. I have some friends who are doctors and it seems quite often that the demands on their time make them much less available for things they'd rather be doing...imagine spending all that money and time/commitment to your career and having it cost you several relationships. I'm sure he's not as carefree about it or 'angry' with you as he is frustrated and feeling like he's not going to meet someone who can deal with his schedule. Holidays are a rough time for everyone with regards to relationships and family and so on and so on.

Do not, though, appologize for what you want. Every girl wants to be number 1 to one special guy. It's not easy to take back-seat to a career and if that's not what you want, stick with your heart and you'll find someone who's able to give you the time and energy you deserve.

[Batya33]

I sympathize with him - I am not a doctor but for the first at least 10 years of my career (less so now but still...) I needed someone who could deal with cancellations at the last minute, keeping plans tentative, my having a wildly unpredictable schedule. It wasn't as bad as your bf because I could talk by phone every day for at least a few minutes, I could see the person at least once or twice a week and usually more - but there were several men who were all "oh that's great that you have a career" and "I totally understand if you have to cancel' until the second or third time, and then, sayonara.

 

Every guy I've seriously dated - and my husband now - have very demanding schedules and I have to be very flexible and tolerant (as they were and are for me)

 

You don't need to justify this with "I'm human, I have needs" - it's all relative - I would be far more comfortable than you are with a guy with that schedule because i empathize (as long as I 100% trusted that the reason he couldn't call was because of work).

 

I probably could not handle no contact for 5 days well either but I would also understand that it was what I signed up for and either deal with it or decide I couldn't but without complaining in any way to him. I would find it very annoying if I told someone I could not talk by phone because of work (or email, or text) and the person kept contacting me anyway.

 

Many relationships are great for the first three months - the "honeymoon period" especially since you didn't see each other that often -- so it's not a huge surprise after that time if the couple decides their needs are incompatible, or similar. I would definitely confirm whether the trip is still on but you have to decide whether you can handle his schedule despite it being hard.

[user1988]

I haven't called or txted him for 4 days now, I've decided to just give him the space he wants and when he feels like he has time or misses me he'll call. If he decides to go on this trip alone then I have nothing left to say.

[15 Storeys High]

I also can sympathise with him. I work in the medical profession and have done for 6 years. I work long hours, am constantly late home, can never give an exact time I will be finished and have had to cancel dates and plans at the last minute because of it. I have also had friends and girlfriends that didn't understand and thought I was just avoiding them and cancelling on purpose....and it was really frustrating. But....I always try to at least give someone a text to apologise and explain. The fact that he hasn't contacted you for days kind of speaks volumes about how he really views you. Yes, it's frustrating when people don't really "get" the issues in your career but if you really enjoy spending time with that person you do your best to make it as easy as you can for them....If I had to cancel plans with my girlfriend I always tried to make up for it on a separate day.

[user1988]

He tells me it's the end of the year and he has a million things on his mind to deal with which is true and I believe him. He overworks himself with his private practice and numerous contracts he has with hospitals but sometimes I don't think it'll hurt to send one text. He always sends a text saying sorry when he cancels our dates but lately we haven't had any dates since December started which is really frustrating so to him he has no reason to apologize. He tells me to hang on until July when all his contracts expires and he can focus solely on his private practice but there's not a doubt in my mind that he'll be even busier.

[15 Storeys High]

I guess you just need to decide whether you're willing to wait until then. Christmas is a really busy time for the medical profession...especially the few weeks right before Christmas....and if he's running a private practice as well as dealing with other contracts his stress levels are going to be through the roof.

 

But...if you don't think he's going to take some time out when it all dies down for you then maybe you should rethink being with him.

[user1988]

I guess you're right, before December it wasn't this way, it must be the holidays. But then again I don't know what it feels like to a doctor, just knows what it feels like to be a doctor's girlfriend. I can wait as long as he can keep his words.

[Maya_A]

Hi user1988,

 

I agree with those who mention that you alone need to decide whether this kind of relationship can suit your wishes & needs. You can also think of it like "if this never changed in this area would it be something I could live constantly with"?....

 

I understand what people say in empathizing with people in extremely busy careers (I have thoughts around that but they are not relevant here) but what kind of troubles me also is that he is expecting you to be completely understanding of him & his schedule, his feelings around it etc. but when you expressed your side of the struggle he seems not to be understanding in return at all. In fact, contrary - a little harsh.

 

The understanding and support needs to go both ways...

 

He may also have a defense mechanism up because of many women not being able to cope with his schedule & in the end, relationships he cared about dissolve. Or... he may be uncompromising & selfish...

 

See what feeling you get from him when you have the opportunity to talk more about the whole thing (hopefully the trip is still on & he contacts you) & mention to him that you need his understanding & support in this as much as he needs yours. If it works out well you can come up with little ways that help you both through it...

[user1988]

We've worked things out since I last posted, he basically said he had a problem with me bringing up my ex from time to time and the fact that we didn't see eye to eye on his schedule.... which narrows it down to "you freaked out on me." He's since then gone off on this trip alone without me while I miserably type this at 5am on Christmas day. But since our talk he has made more of an effort to call in between operations, it's just whenever I call him while he's with his family he never picks up or diverts my call. He's never been one to talk on the phone in front of other people but a text would be nice.

 

He accidentally told me his xmas gift for me bc I had bought the same thing for myself, it's this gift that made him forgive him. I've only mentioned it once and it was back on our second or even first date so he did take me into consideration which was what turned things around for me. But honestly I don't know how long I can take this for... I understand his reasoning for not taking me telling me it might be too soon and taking a girl home was a major move for him but the fact that he wanted to take me home first but then canceled on me makes me feel horrible. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a "wife grading scale," he's looking for all the qualities of a wife here. Don't get me wrong I do have a good time with him but it's only when I see him. He tells me distance makes the heart grow fonder but that saying only goes for couples who sees each other on a regular basis. For me and him distance will only make us grow apart, he tells me there's something about me that drives him crazy that's why he actively pursued me in the beginning.

 

I'm so sorry for the long rambling but it's xmas day and I'm alone and bitter because i failed to understand a busy doctor's schedule and thus fought about it to the point that my punishment is being alone. Woohoo!

 

This is totally irrelevant but the birth control pill I'm on has really affected my mood because I was never this moody before, this just shows that he should be more considerate because he's the one that prescribed it!

[darkfaolan]

first thoughts are cradle robber!!!

 

had to get that out of my system well i think he's just being a jerk and needs to be more understanding of what his job puts his loved ones through he has to understand that it isn't fair and can be both infuriating and disappointing to those who care about you i was in the military and my wife had to go through many similar things you have to find a middle ground

[Maya_A]

Hi user1988,

 

I'm sorry your Christmas was a bit rocky... To me, just as an observer of what you have shared in your own words, this relationship does not sound like it has been working for you as it is...

 

Something also struck me... I know people often warn in situations like this, to be wary that the other person is not married or involved with someone else. This can be an overkill statement at times but then again it is something that happens also. I don't know, but a feeling just kind of hit me when you said "when he is with his family he won't pick up calls" & that he often diverts calls... And I'm not sure what "never being one to talk on the phone in front of other people" is all about either.... He doesn't have to have an intimate conversation, he can just keep it light & touch base like we all do with significant others in a situation appropriate manner.

 

A question came to mind... Is he with his family often or semi-often? If not, okay, if yes, I'd just wonder where he might get all of that time he doesn't have for you, to spend with his family... But even when with family, if he sees it is his girlfriend, can't he just quickly pick up & say "hey there, I'm with my family I'll be home in x amount of time call you later sweetie" or something like this. I just hope it is not that he is hiding from his family the fact that you call.

 

At any rate, I hope you are feeling a little better today... Christmas has passed... Is he able to see you for New Years??

[user1988]

He's only with family twice a year and when he is he's surrounded by 30+ people all couped up in one place so I guess picking up the phone would be a hassle. Other times he can't pick up is when he's in the OR or when he's with a patient so can't really blame him for that. So if you ask me if he's with family often or semi-often I would say neither, it's actually less than often. Once in awhile he would have dinner with his parents but big family gatherings like this happen only twice a year. The thing about his is he's so brutally honest that I doubt he cheats, he tells me when he ex gf calls and what she wants, tells me about his past relationships and he even at one point mentioned some of the things that bothers him about his relationship. One of them being me freaking out when he doesn't answer his phone and the second being my ex bf always bothering me. I believe I will be able to see him New Years day or at least the day before unless he's called back into the ER again.

 

The main difference between me and him is I use my heart to think and he uses logic. For him it's useless picking up the phone in front of 30 odd people, for me I believe a text should do it if he really cared. But I've really thought this through and that's the conclusion I came down to, logic vs. emotions. He's also been through all of it with past relationships, no guilt trip, no mind game will work on him. Now the only thing I really need to figure out is a middle ground.

[mademoisele]

Stop being such a dependent personality. Just lose him, surgeon or not. You are literally portraying yourself a MOP in his eyes. And he enjoys that. And I think you do too otherwise, why stick around for so long? Stop being a mop, a doormat for him.

[user1988]

I don't think I needed that rude reply from you after a whole year.

[Ms Darcy]

How is the relationship now?

[MakestheBest]

"The problem lies here, he's a surgeon so he's in and out of the hospital 24/7 and for 5 days I did not hear from him no matter no hard I tried to contact him. A few days ago I flipped out and cried over the phone and that was when he said he thought I was different from his other girlfriends and understood his schedule and that I've changed and is no longer the understanding girlfriend he had."

This quote really bothers me....@ 15 stories High...are you guys really THAT busy that you can't respond in 5 days...that sounds impossible to me. I've been busy to the point where I have to eek in time for a blasted shower and I could still contact within the day esp by text.

 

The other things that bothered me is the response about "different than the other girlfriends" you may have just typed it in leaving out the nuances but when a guy does something hurtful and wrong and u call him on it and he flips it so that it is ure fault it sounds a bit manipulative.

 

He should have just talked it out with you-I'm sorry but I have a crazy schedule. I'm really trying my best instead of...."i thought you were better than this"

 

but you know best, because you're in the middle of it.

[user1988]

How is the relationship now?

 

 

After a whole year and some odd months together things are much better, better understanding of each other and he's learned to respect my wants and needs.

[user1988]

Yes, now he does, now he says exactly what you said "I'm really trying my best." Things are a lot better than the beginning of our relationship. After our breakup in the summer we've learned to appreciate each other and came to realize that we indeed do need each other. It just took a long break up to realize the importance of our relationship.