Ex contacting me.

[Truth317]

I can agree with that....but why is he still contacting me? Do you think it is possible with NC that he will realize what he is missing?

 

Yes, yes and yes.

 

You always realize what you lose in the end, it never fails. Not only for guys but women as well. Because during a breakup process (that is if you got a heart) you always playback the relationship from start to finish and realize what things went wrong. Even more disturbing to the mind is when you realize that some of those things were indeed your fault.

 

Then again, the most disturbing of it all is when you realize that not only was it your fault, but you lost out on a really good man/woman.

 

Good luck, sweetheart.

[gundr1kr]

Yeah we were together for six months. I know what you mean about your emotions going up and down. We were friends beforehand too...for about 3 years. We knew that we were taking a risk of getting together.

 

We also spend a lot of time together near me because I live closer to work and we work at the same place so it was convenient. Alot of the memories that we have are at my place which sucks.

 

I wish I could just go talk to him or tell him that I am worth it and that we need to work this out or at least try? Did I tell you that he told me that he said that he had fallin out of love with me but still loved me? I dont know why someone would come back to someone when they are not in love anymore. My dad said that the reason that they would come back is because they realize that they cant live their life without you and that they dont want to loose you. I guess they need to figure that out for themselves and I think the best thing to do right now is to not contact them so they get the full affect? I am no relationship expert. I wish some boys would give their two sense on this because it would be easier to understand everything.

[mijo]

It just makes it so much more confusing doesn't it. If you have a break up sometimes u can make a clean break, don't contact them, delete them from facebook etc and not speak to them again. But when they keep contacting you and when you were friends before and have mutual friends, and in your case work at the same place, you just cannot break away that easily.

 

I think it must be true that we are best to stay NC, even if just for a while, it will show that we are capable of living our lives without them and that may make them think.

 

I am the same, I just want to call him up and say come on let's meet up and talk about this. But I know I can't. I want to tell him everything about how I feel, but I wouldn't ever.

 

I said before I slightly broke NC yesterday as I tagged a photo of him on facebook - I've just had an email saying he commented on it saying "That's quality x". I have no intention of contacting him but I feel ridiculous that it cheered me up that he commented something and plus he only has internet access at work so I know he is on a late shift.

 

I think I'm in a bad cycle!

[gundr1kr]

Yes, yes and yes.

 

You always realize what you lose in the end, it never fails. Not only for guys but women as well. Because during a breakup process (that is if you got a heart) you always playback the relationship from start to finish and realize what things went wrong. Even more disturbing to the mind is when you realize that some of those things were indeed your fault.

 

Then again, the most disturbing of it all is when you realize that not only was it your fault, but you lost out on a really good man/woman.

 

Good luck, sweetheart.

 

Oh yeah! I am so glad that you posted Truth. It is nice to have a guys perspective on things. Mijo and I are going through the same thing and it is nice to hear a guy say what we have been thinking.

 

Besides doing NC, is there any other way for him to realize this? Even when a guy isnt contacting you after a relationship, do you think they are still thinking about things? How long should we hold out hope?

[mijo]

Oh yeah! I am so glad that you posted Truth. It is nice to have a guys perspective on things. Mijo and I are going through the same thing and it is nice to hear a guy say what we have been thinking.

 

Besides doing NC, is there any other way for him to realize this? Even when a guy isnt contacting you after a relationship, do you think they are still thinking about things? How long should we hold out hope?

 

I agree, thanks for posting, it is nice to have a guy's perspective.

I do feel like I am wasting my time holding on to any shred of hope that we might work things out, but who knows.

[gundr1kr]

I will agree with you. I think a lot of men think that when they break up with a girl that she will be irrational and beg them to come back and when you dont do that they sort of open their eyes. I think they almost want women to come beg them to come back. We are too confident to do that. If they want to be a part of OUR lives, then they need to put in that effort to say that they made a mistake. Do you think I am wrong?

 

I cant call him or initiate any longer. I dont feel like I am getting anywhere when I am doing that and I just feel really stupid afterwords.

 

I am glad that he contacted you on Facebook. Once we broke up I deleted him as a friend and then blocked him because I didnt want him to know what was going on in my life. I dont know if that was the right move or not. I just kind of feel like if you broke up with me, you dont get any more information about what is going on with me. I am glad that it made you feel better though.

[mijo]

You definitely made the right decision in deleting him as a friend. I know I should do the same but as we're still in contact and he has said about staying friends, plus we have so many mutual friends I feel like I'd seem petty if I deleted him. Dumb I know.

 

Yes I think guys do expect girls to beg. The girl my ex was seeing before me continued to text him for so long after they broke up and even still text him when he told her he was seeing me. I used to say to him how I didn't understand why girls behaved this way so I now feel like there's no way I could act like that to him. Also I know how much it used to annoy him.

 

It's also true that when you contact them, whilst it feels like a relief at the time, you know as soon as you've done it you will regret it. The worst thing is if you then don't hear back from them! I have only done it once since we broke up which was last sunday to say that I had seen that note and it made me realise that I missed him. I thought well one text to let him know where I stand is ok, and I am glad I sent that, but seriously no more!

 

I just feel like I'm clinging on to nothing, and I know I really need to let go.

When do you think you will hear from your ex?

[gundr1kr]

Yes, same thing with my guy. He had broken up with another girl before me (nothing serious between the two) and she showed up on his doorstep crying and begging him to take her back. I wont be that girl and because he knows me, he knows I wont do that. I had gone through a broken engagement before him and I started dating and he was there for me throughout it. I never wanted to get back together with my ex-fiance but 'B' (ex-boyfriend) told me that he would regret it and come back to me. I always think of that. That came out of his own mouth.

 

The only time recently that I have contacted him was when he initiated it and asked why we couldnt be friends.

 

I know how you feel. I feel that way a lot of the times too. I even feel better sometimes when he doesnt contact me because it doesnt put these crazy thoughts in my head that maybe he misses me and maybe he wants to get back together...

 

The last time I heard from my ex was yesterday afternoon and I havent heard anything sense. I bet before tomorrow evening I will hear again from him. We shall see.

[mijo]

Yeh I think that if they don't contact you then it is much easier to put it out your mind, but every time they make a little bit of contact you get that glimmer of hope. The "oh they must be thinking of me to contact me" and "why would they bother if they felt nothing".

 

I still don't understand that side of it, if they finished it then why continue to make the contact. Surely it must cross their minds that it will give us the wrong impression?? Especially as both of us made it clear when it finished that we had feelings, they should be the ones trying not to lead us on. I know if it was the other way round I'd be careful not to give them the wrong idea - even with the thing on facebook - ok I tagged him in a photo but he didn't have to to comment on it a leave a "x". It's only a tiny thing, but when you've broken up with someone who you know has feelings for you then surely it's just selfish to carry on doing such things.

 

Oh I really shouldn't think things through so much haha.

At least I am going out tonight to get my mind off it.

[gundr1kr]

I am overthinking things too though. It sucks.I just wish someone would say to us - when you have hit this marker you really need to give up hope and start moving on with your life.

 

It gets me angry sometimes when I really starting thinking about what he is doing - he is being immature and cruel. They know how we feel yet they continue contacting us - have will power man! We arent contacting them all the time - so we obviously have will power.

 

I also wish I knew what was going to happen so I wasnt in this position right now. I dont want to move on just yet because I feel like there is a chance that he could come back because he is making it obvious that he misses me by contacting so much. GRRRRR. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Broken Arrow]

I'd really like womens' perspective on my situation, because I am on the opposite side (I am a man), but in the same situation. If they contact you after they break up with you, especially after they tell you they don't want to lead you on, Are they being selfish, or are they thinking about you, or what? I am really curious. My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. After the first few weeks(about 3 weeks after the breakup, all 3 weeks in NC) I broke down, I called her a few times (she said that that was ok) and one day out of desperation i asked to see her. She asked "why, it won't change anything" she reluctantly saw me, I took her out to dinner, we then hung out in her apartment for a few hours. It was pleasant but cold. When I left I cried so hard, I couldn't breathe and I realized that it really is over. I started NC immediately afterward and have not called her since (she has always contacted me after this). She called me about 2 weeks later, left me a strange message about how it was raining where she was. I had my phone off cause it was the weekend, and I was in NC. Got the message 2 days later, but didn't call her back. She called me the next day. She said she wanted to see how I was doing? Then I went back to NC. Again roughly two weeks later she called me again, this was around Thanksgiving. We BS'd for a bit, then she asked me "How was I really doing"? I broke down started crying and told her that I missed her and I love her. I also apologized for some things I had done in the past, for which she said,"I don't know what to say"? We left off that I would call her and get together. She said that she would be around, and that would be cool. 2 days later she text me, nothing serious. When I text her back she didn't respond. I was so distraught that I said "I've had enough". I couldn't take the pain, or waiting anymore. I started NC again, and I changed my phone #. 2 weeks later (pattern), which was this Monday she e-mailed me saying she," tried to call but the # is disconnected". She hoped that she could get it, and that she wasn't "actively being excluded" by me. She told me to call her and left her # (like I don't have it memorized, we spoke 10-20 times a day for 6 1/2 years.) I haven't e-mailed her back or called her and I really am at my wits end and have no idea what to do, or why would she would want to contact me? I do want her back, but I initiated NC for myself to heal, and because she says one thing, and acts one way, but then calls. I would appreciate it if somebody could help me with this, an outside observer who understands a women's prerogative. I really love her, and want to be with her. But I am trying to move on cause I am sick of the pain and the mental anguish, and the waiting. I am sorry that this post is so long. Thanks for your help.

[mijo]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your situation. It really does make it so much harder when the ex carried on contacting you doesn't it!

As a female I would say that if I had broken up with someone and I knew they still had feelings I would do my very best not to lead them on, and not to contact them unless necessary. If I was worried about them I may send them the occasional text just to say that I hope they're ok, but I wouldn't make it a regular thing.

It seems that she started contacting you more after you two met up? Did anything happen during that meeting that you think may have altered her feelings? Also was she aware of just how upset you were after that meeting that she would be worried about you and thereforee want to contact you??

 

 

 

I was doing ok on NC, ignored 4 text messages the other day and then last night I got an IM on facebook chat just saying "hey", I deliberated and then ended up writing back "hey, how are you?" then he just went offline. I am now convinced he was just checking to see if I was still speaking to him after ignoring his text messages...playing games. But on the plus side it vexed me so much that today I have felt like the first day of a new life. The second I woke up he was still the first thing I thought of, but not in an upset I wish you were here way, more in a...I know I need to move on and I can do this way.

[gundr1kr]

I agree with Mijo but it might be because we are both in the same situation. I would not contact an ex if I was the one doing the breaking up. I dont understand it to be honest. However, BrokenArrow, I think Mijo and I have discussed that you need to continue moving on (which usually included NC) until your ex comes back to you and says that they want to get back together with you. I think because we love our ex's we are trying to look for clues that they still care or miss us, when in reality, they broke up with us. They didnt think we were worth it to stick it through. Thats just my two sense????

 

So I have some news to report....like Mijo - I broke the NC last night. He sent me a text saying "I know you hate me, but I wanted to let you know about the good news that happened to the company. We did it". I didnt know if I should have responded because for the past 5 days, every attempt I had ignored. I wrote back and said, "Congrats. You should be proud of yourself. Thanks for letting me know." I didnt hear from him after that. I dont know why he said "I know you hate me." I dont know if he was just trying to get a response out of me, make me feel back for him or if it was because I was ignoring all of his contact attempts. Just that little communication between us made me so much better and I dont even know why. I really miss him and I dont think he has any romantic feelings for me - at least he hasnt shown me.

 

Since we have broken up I have dreamt about us getting back together. Last night I dreamt about him coming back and me telling him I didnt want to get back together because how selfish, immature and controlling he had been. I think maybe I am trying to tell myself that he isnt the one?? I dont know, what do you think?

 

I know I still miss him and I miss the good ol' days. I feel like it is possible that I am also reading too much into his contact attempts and he truly wants to be friends. I wont be his friend though. It would be too hard - after you have slept with someone, planned on marrying that person and shared deep thoughts and secrets...

 

Thoughts?

[gundr1kr]

I also was thinking....we had only been together for six months. I believe I was in love with him the entire six months. This was the very first time that he said to someone that he loved them. I think he felt that way for the first four months of our relationship. Do you think it is possible that he wasnt in love with me but in lust with me and that is the reason that he isnt as broken up about this as I am?

[mijo]

I also was thinking....we had only been together for six months. I believe I was in love with him the entire six months. This was the very first time that he said to someone that he loved them. I think he felt that way for the first four months of our relationship. Do you think it is possible that he wasnt in love with me but in lust with me and that is the reason that he isnt as broken up about this as I am?

 

Hi,

It's a shame we both broke the NC last night!

I wouldn't like to make comment on whether he was or wasn't in love with you when you were together as I don't know him, but you know in your heart how you felt and I guess until the other person tells us then we can never know their true feelings. My ex literally changed from one day to the next, within just a few hours, he has never really told me why, other than some excuses but we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

All you can do is think that if he did really love you then he wont be able to forget you that easily (which he has proved) and think that maybe one day he will realise just what he has lost.

I don't know what to think my ex now. I feel quite angry about it today, but we will see. I have quite a busy weekend with friends visiting etc so I am pleased about that as I am less likely to want to contact him - the only problem then is that it is soon coming round to Christmas! Do we or do we not text and wish them a good one?

I've also just seen a new photo of him flash up on my facebook homepage - I do hate it when that happens!

[heaven66]

It is unfair and he has mentioned that he thinks he has commitment issues. I just dont know what to do right now. I dont want to move on right now because I truly dont believe that he knows what he wants and he will come back. Probably wayyy off basis. Who knows? I thought normally if you break up with someone it is easy to stop contacting them because you were the one that ended the relationship. He is making it really hard for me and almost still acting like we are in a relationship by doing things that he used to do when we were in one.

 

Follow your heart...don't stop living for him, go on with your life, give him space..DON'T CONTACT HIM but still pick up the phone when he calls and act indiffrent towards him...don't answer his texts..that would take too much energy...just let him think and see how life without you is. Let him recognize if he had made a mistake or not. Don't let him know how you feel..don't reassure him of anything.

[gundr1kr]

Follow your heart...don't stop living for him, go on with your life, give him space..DON'T CONTACT HIM but still pick up the phone when he calls and act indiffrent towards him...don't answer his texts..that would take too much energy...just let him think and see how life without you is. Let him recognize if he had made a mistake or not. Don't let him know how you feel..don't reassure him of anything.

 

Thanks for answering Heaven. I am not reassuring him of anything. He knows that I dont want to be friends and that I do want to be in a relationship with him because I told him that right after we broke up. However, why would he think that I hate him? Because I am not responding to his texts or emails? He hasnt tried calling once. He hasnt told me that he misses me. His actions are just confusing. I miss him so much. I will never be that girl that runs to him.

[mijo]

Thanks for answering Heaven. I am not reassuring him of anything. He knows that I dont want to be friends and that I do want to be in a relationship with him because I told him that right after we broke up. However, why would he think that I hate him? Because I am not responding to his texts or emails? He hasnt tried calling once. He hasnt told me that he misses me. His actions are just confusing. I miss him so much. I will never be that girl that runs to him.

 

 

Ah we are exactly the same. No phone calls, just texts, IMs, Emails. I have also told him previously that I miss him, so he knows I have feelings.

And again, I will never be the girls that runs to him begging to take me back, I would hate to be one of those girls. Plus I know his last ex did that to him and he hated it.

All we can do now is sit back and see what happens. If they care then eventually they will ring or tell us that they miss us, stop playing these games and sending pointless messages but actually say something of note. At least with the holidays here there is more stuff going on to be distracted by (even though it is a bad time of year to be alone).

Today I feel more determined than ever to stay NC.

As for him saying "I know you hate me", I would bet anything the only reason he wrote that is hoping ud write back and say that you don't. The same as my ex sending me an IM last night then going offline as soon as I replied - it's just reassurance to them that we are still there. I guess we need to show them that we're not.

[gundr1kr]

Holy crap I feel like I might puke. This was the first time since we broke up that we saw each other. I know I sound like I am 10 years old. I was heating up my food and he walked in. He saw me and looked really shy. We said hi to each other and as soon as my food was heated up I bolted (I normally eat at my desk). I looked confident and in control on the outside. But in the inside I was freaking out. I didnt know if I should sit there and chit -chat or just walk away. I thought since I was doing the NC thing that I should just walk away. Oh and by the way he has already sent me 3 emails (before the incident) that I didnt answer.

 

I am freaking out.

[mijo]

Holy crap I feel like I might puke. This was the first time since we broke up that we saw each other. I know I sound like I am 10 years old. I was heating up my food and he walked in. He saw me and looked really shy. We said hi to each other and as soon as my food was heated up I bolted (I normally eat at my desk). I looked confident and in control on the outside. But in the inside I was freaking out. I didnt know if I should sit there and chit -chat or just walk away. I thought since I was doing the NC thing that I should just walk away. Oh and by the way he has already sent me 3 emails (before the incident) that I didnt answer.

 

I am freaking out.

 

I think you need to do what you feel most at ease with. Given how you responded when you saw him you might not be able to face him as your true self so for the time being it may be best not to stay and chit chat. You want to be able to present yourself well when you do and that is going to take time. Now you have seen him though next time it wont be so hard.

 

What did the emails say?

[gundr1kr]

What did the emails say?

 

His first email was a print screen showing the stock of our company saying that everything was getting better and asking me if I had any questions. The second email was a return receipt that he forwarded to me of when I opened the first email. The third email was the first email but he had forwarded it, asking me if I had gotten it.

 

I know he sounds really immature and I would agree with you. I dont know why he does this.

 

I wore a really nice outfit at work today and made sure I did my hair so I bet he is really regretting his decision right now.

 

I know that sounds mean and I dont want to put him through additional heartache but I want him to realize what he is missing!!

 

Do you know what I mean? Has your ex contacted you? Are you still upset about last night? That was really really weird that he would contact you and then just sign out. I think you should take him off as being your friend. Thats just my opinion. I feel like he is trying to screw with your head.

[mijo]

That's an odd set of emails, did you need the information for your work?

I very much doubt whether you'd send 3 emails normally for work purposes as people don't always reply unless necessary. He is obviously just doing it to get your attention.

Don't worry about him sounding immature - my ex sends me text messages that you'd expect from a 15 yr old and he is 27 haha.

I am feeling ok about last night, to be honest it has made me more adamant to stick to NC and not reply to him. Today I haven't really heard from him, except for a photo comment on facebook which was a bit random. My friend and I were messing around and made some holiday photos of a few of us where you put our faces onto different characters. I uploaded them yesterday and there's one where we're dressed as santa girls and there are a few jokey comments on it (a couple from guys) and he commented "this photo is amazing x". It sounds like nothing, but again you just think - why comment on it?! Maybe he's trying to be friendly, or maybe he's just ensuring that I don't forget about him???? I really just don't know anymore. But I do know that there was NO part of me that was tempted to respond in any way. The times I find it hard not to reply are when it's a standard "hey, how are you?" message as I feel petty for not texting back, but I think I can get through that now... I hope.

[mijo]

P.S. I'm glad you were dressed up and looking good for when you first saw him!

[gundr1kr]

That's an odd set of emails, did you need the information for your work?

 

Nope, I didnt need the information for work at all. In fact it was just an email to reach out to me. Then it was another set of emails to try and get me to respond I believe. Not too sure. He used to do this often when we were together and although I thought it was extremely annoying and immature, I still put up with it. He wasnt like this when we were just friends.

 

Since seeing me in the cafeteria, he hasnt tried contacting me. I bet he expects me to be a mess and crying and I am not going to give him the satisfaction. This all feels like one big game and I hate that the most.

 

It sounds like your ex is doing the same thing as my ex. They are both making sure that WE dont forget them. It makes absolutely no sense (again) seeing as how they broke things of with us.

 

I am glad that you didnt respond today. I think it is really great that we are able to talk to each other about our situations since they are so similar. I hate talking to friends and family sometimes because they feel like I am dwelling on something that I shouldnt be. They ALL think I should have moved on by now and just accept that things are over.

[mijo]

My friends are exactly the same, they all think I should have moved on, they just tell me to forget him. Just like that, oh he is being an idiot you're better off without, but even though they are probably right I can't just switch my feelings like that.

 

I felt quite good most of today, didn't feel like I wanted to contact him at all and was more annoyed than upset. Then after work i went christmas shopping and it just kind of hit me again, all of a sudden I got a pang of upset and then this evening has been a bit rubbish.

 

Tomorrow is another day I guess. I just really wish I could sit down and talk to him in a normal way but I just know it isn't going to happen anytime soon.

It was 1 month yesterday since I last saw him, seems like forever.

 

Did you hear anymore after the emails?