Ex contacting me.

[gundr1kr]

On sunday my ex broke up with me saying that there was something missing from our relationship. He said he wasnt 100% into me. Prior to our six month relationship we had been friends for three years. We got really serious early on and talked about marriage and where we would live, etc.

 

On Monday I received the closure that I needed and I told him I would wouldnt be contacting him so I could move on. I blocked him from Facebook as well.

 

On Monday I get a text from him, Tuesday I get two emails from him and then yesterday I got 4 emails, 4 texts and 2 phone calls. I had told him previously that if he tries and contacts me, I will be holding out hope that we will get back together. Yesterday we talked on the phone because he was giving mixed messages. He told me he still wasnt into me 100% but it was hard for him to stop contacting me. He said he would try and stop though.

 

Do you think there is a chance that he will realize that he missed up and will want to come back? I am sticking to NC but he is really confusing me with his actions?

[C6Z06]

Guys Perspective: If I wasn't 100% into a girl, it'd be because there was someone else that was better or I wasn't 100% satisfied with what I had, feeling like Im settling...

[WindowTo]

Life is brutal.

[gundr1kr]

I can agree with that....but why is he still contacting me? Do you think it is possible with NC that he will realize what he is missing?

[bas3q]

The key question is not whether he wants to come back, but whether you want him to come back if he's not satisfied with the relationship. Can you fix what he's not happy with, or is it something about who you are fundamentally that is incompatible with what he's looking for?

[bas3q]

I can agree with that....but why is he still contacting me? Do you think it is possible with NC that he will realize what he is missing?

 

It's possible. He might also be sitting on the fence about you, which is entirely unfair to you.

 

Unless he can fully accept what it is what makes him not 100% into you and move on to a happy relationship, the problem isn't going to go away and you're likely to be in the same situation again in the future.

[gundr1kr]

I know he is not satisfied with the relationship right now. However, I think if we worked at it, we could be. Things were amazing at the beginning. he is 29 years old and I was the first person that he ever fell in love with even though he was with a BUNCH of girls before (dating).

 

He said from the beginning and even to the very end that it was very easy for him to see us together and we made 'sense' to him. He just thought something was missing. Do you think by him missing me, he would feel that feeling again?

[gundr1kr]

It's possible. He might also be sitting on the fence about you, which is entirely unfair to you.

 

Unless he can fully accept what it is what makes him not 100% into you and move on to a happy relationship, the problem isn't going to go away and you're likely to be in the same situation again in the future.

 

It is unfair and he has mentioned that he thinks he has commitment issues. I just dont know what to do right now. I dont want to move on right now because I truly dont believe that he knows what he wants and he will come back. Probably wayyy off basis. Who knows? I thought normally if you break up with someone it is easy to stop contacting them because you were the one that ended the relationship. He is making it really hard for me and almost still acting like we are in a relationship by doing things that he used to do when we were in one.

[bas3q]

Do you think by him missing me, he would feel that feeling again?

 

Possibly. But I wouldn't get your hopes up. It sounds like he's got some thinking to do on his own about what he wants and what exactly is missing from your relationship.

 

I thought normally if you break up with someone it is easy to stop contacting them because you were the one that ended the relationship. He is making it really hard for me and almost still acting like we are in a relationship by doing things that he used to do when we were in one.

 

It sounds like he truly is torn. I would suggest that NC is the best way to go for you, for now so you can not get your hopes up over something he might decide to walk away from eventually - after all, if he's this torn without you, are things really going to change when he's with you? I would say that you should send him a message letting him know that you want to keep up the NC for now. Let him know that you care, but also let him work out his issues and figure out what he wants in your absense. If he discovers that he can't live life without you one his own and can accept whatever is keeping him from committing 100%, then you stand a much better chance with him in the long run.

 

Hope that all makes sense.

[gundr1kr]

After last night I thought we werent going to contact each other any longer and make a clean break.

 

Well this afternoon he sends me yet another email asking me if I could ever be friends with him again and what the percentage was 0 or .0000001. I didnt respond. Then he sends me another email saying that he knew I got my previous email and saying that he will leave me alone if he knows we wont be friends. He then asked why I was friends with another ex of mine.

 

I wrote him that I was interested in a relationship with him and not a friendship. I told him all or nothing. I havent heard anything from him since then.

 

However, even when I tell him I cant have contact with him and I cant be friends with him, he still tries contacting me. I dont get it. Advice?

 

Bas3q thinks he is confused or something. I think it is possible that he wants his cake and eat it too? I am hurting because I am really trying to have no contact. I am not the one initiating it ever. He continues to do it and he was the one that broke up with me.

 

Let me move on if you dont want to be in a relationship with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ladybug726]

Bas3q thinks he is confused or something. I think it is possible that he wants his cake and eat it too? I am hurting because I am really trying to have no contact. I am not the one initiating it ever. He continues to do it and he was the one that broke up with me.

 

He's confused. It can be hard to be sure in your decision when you're dumping someone you know isn't right for you but you still have feelings for. So, they end up sending confusing signals, like breaking up with you but still contacting you. I think you need to face that at this time, he doesn't want to be with you, so go NC. Ignore all his attempts at contacting you. Even if he doesn't want to be with you, you're what's comfortable so he keeps reaching out.

[gundr1kr]

He's confused. It can be hard to be sure in your decision when you're dumping someone you know isn't right for you but you still have feelings for. So, they end up sending confusing signals, like breaking up with you but still contacting you. I think you need to face that at this time, he doesn't want to be with you, so go NC. Ignore all his attempts at contacting you. Even if he doesn't want to be with you, you're what's comfortable so he keeps reaching out.

 

Wow. That makes a lot of sense to me. I will try and continue with the No Contact. Over the weekend he didnt contact me at all and i thought we were over all this non-sense.

 

However, yesterday he sent me an email at work a alcoholic drink recipe because I had asked him for a good recipe when we were dating. He just decides to do it now???? I didnt reply. Then last night he text messages me. He was watching Gossip Girl. He only watched Gossip Girl with me because he knew I liked that show. He is a 29 year old man. He wanted me to know that he was watching the show that I liked. He texted me 3 times and I didnt respond.

 

I am listening to his words right now and not his actions because he has told me that he wants to break up. But why is he doing this? He is the one that broke up with me. Each time I think he understands that we cant be friends, he still continues to contact me. Do you think he wants to get back together but he just doesnt want to come out and say he made a mistake? I dont know, I dont get it.

[mijo]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me around 3 weeks ago but has continued to text me (I have responded but not initiated). On saturday he text and i had had a bit to drink and ended up sending a suggestive text back and his response was quite blunt, and I ended up saying that the situation was weird. He simply replied "why is it weird x" and I said because we're not going out anymore but we keep texting.

 

I only heard from him v v briefly on sunday but then yesterday he text me 4 times including the following:

"Write me a letter.

Dear ______, You have a cute ______, You make me _____, You should be _____, You and me should ______, You are so ______, I think you're ______, Love from _______. P.S. Send this back and see what replies you get"

 

I know he didn't send it to everyone in his phone as my housemate (who i met him through) didn't get it. It obviously hints at sending a flirty message back - I didn't reply!! I just hate the fact he keeps sending this stuff when it was him that chose to end it!! He knows I continued to have feelings.

After ignoring his texts yesterday I haven't heard from him today.

[gundr1kr]

Thanks mijo for responding! So what have people been telling you about your situation?

 

Everyone keeps on telling me that he told me he didnt want to be with my anymore and that is what I should believe right now until I hear from him otherwise. It just really sucks because I feel like his actions are speaking louder than his words. I dont understand why he is still continuing to contact me? He has told me that he wants to be friends and I have been very blunt that this will not happen. I have told him that I want a relationship and that I dont want a friendship and all or nothing. I have also told him that when he does contact me it makes me hold out hope that we might have a change of getting back together. He still continues though, after everything I have been clear about. I dont understand what is he trying to do????

[mijo]

I am exactly the same, and it keeps u on edge too doesn't it? Today I haven't heard from him so I keep wondering why when I wish I could just move on.

 

Everyone has told me similar to you. He ended it so u need to try and move on. He probably has low self esteem and craves attention so he wants you to reply so he knows that you're still there, or he thinks he can have his cake and eat it - he can dump you and leave you but keep you dangling as a "friend".

 

I keep telling myself oh he wouldnt text me if he didnt still hold feelings for me?? But it is starting to drive me crazy because it keeps me almost waiting for a text and then when I don't get one I assume it's coz he has now found someone else to text.

 

I dont know whether to continue NC or whether to say to him "Thanks for the text, I really think it would be best for us to meet up and talk things through so we know what we're doing here, because at the moment the constant texting is really confusing me"

 

I just dont know

[gundr1kr]

Yes it does keep you on edge. He has contacted me already today. It is funny though because lately it really hasnt been to see how I am doing or anything. He texts me silly things. Today we got an email about Godiva coming to our work. He forwarded me the email and told me it was an early birthday present.

 

I dont get it.

 

I have been told that my ex is trying to have his cake and eat it too. I tell myself also that he still has feelings for me because he keeps on contacting me. However, I think that we just need to believe his words. I have already had the conversation with him (once) asking him why he continued to contact me and if he regretted his decision. He told me that he still wasnt 100% into me and it was hard to let go of someone that he was deeply emotionally involved with. Sometimes I feel like I was the one that broke up with him because he is the one contacting me all the time and I am the one that is having to do the NC thing.

 

I still kind of hope that by doing NC that he will recognize what he is missing. It is evident that he is missing me know so I think he still has feelings. I think he just needs to realize that. I wont go back to him. I didnt break up with him and I didnt do anything wrong so there is no reason why we should come back crawling. It should be them to do that. They at least owe us that if thats what they want. Agree?

[mijo]

Yeh I absolutely agree! It's that stupid old thing tho isn't it...oh if I don't reply and I keep ignoring him he will just forget me and move on quicker. But then I guess if he does that then is he really worth bothering about as he obviously wasn't that into me?

 

I know how you feel with the silly things. My ex always sends me jokes via text message. He sends them to a lot of people but I met him through my housemate and whereas he used to send the same jokes now for every 1 he sends her he will send me 3, I don't know whether it's to annoy me or to get my attention.

 

The sad thing is when I see his name come up on my phone it still makes me happy inside, but then I get the anger of wondering why he is doing it to me. I just wish the next time he texts me it would say "I miss you", but I know it wont happen. He has told me he wants us to be friends, but I just cannot do it, and whats more I don't believe he texts his regular friends as much as he is texting me at the moment.

 

I also agree with feeling like you're the one who ended it, I keep looking back now and wonder where everything went wrong?! (In my case the break-up was totally out of the blue. One evening everything was fine and he was telling me how happy he was and how he'd been tellins his mum how happy I made him. Then the next day he is suddenly confused and doesn't know what he wants. We ended up having an argument when we broke up and things got said and he then said it was too late).

 

How long has it been since you last spoke to him?

 

P.S. It's great to have someone to talk to about this

[gundr1kr]

I dont know who or what to believe anymore. I think because they are contacting us all the time that maybe they are still thinking about if they made the right decision. Thats kind of what I want to believe, not sure if it is true or not.

 

Well we were friends for 3 years. When we first met he liked me but I was dating someone. Then 3 years down the road we decided to have a romantic relationship. I was the first girl he ever said he loved and he is 29 years old. I felt honored and I thought this was really going somewhere. After about three months he started becoming distant. About a month before we broke up he told me that his feelings were changing and he didnt feel the same way when we first started dating. We were working together to stop fighting and having fun. Two days prior to the breakup he told me he loved me, he could see a future with me and how much he enjoyed being with me. I thought things were better. Then last Sunday (10 days ago) he broke up with me and told me he wanted to be friends. I have told him from the beginning that I cant be his friend.

 

He contacted me yesterday by sending me an email and that was the last time I have heard from him. I have stopped responding to his attempts since Friday and have gone NC. Its really hard. I just want it to be clear that I want a relationship with him and not a friendship. I told him ALL or NOTHING and he still continues to contact me.

 

Maybe these guys just need to grow up....I dont know. We work together but will only see each other in the cafeteria (havent seen him since the breakup). I make sure I take extra time each day to look my best.

 

When did you guys officialy break up? Have you gone NC the whole time? When was the last time he contacted you? If he came back, would you get back together with him?

[mijo]

That must be hard having to see him at work.

The last time I saw him was 1 month ago today, but as I was away on holiday we didn't break up until 3 weeks ago. For the first week after we text each other every day, some were slightly flirty, some more blunt. He said he wanted to stay friends and we should meet up and go to the cinema but he never mentioned it again so I guess it was just something to seem like he was making an effort. We then went a week without speaking - he went away to visit friends as he had a week off work (this was the upsetting part as one of the reasons for the break up was that we didnt get to spend enough time together then we end up finishing just before he has a week off!). On the sunday night I sent him a text saying that I had just seen a note that he had written to me when we were together and it made me realise that I miss him, but I don't know if any part of him feels the same.

 

I heard nothing back and so that was the point at which I thought I need to get over this. He didn't contact me until 4 days later when he just text asking how I was and what I'd been up to, then he text me regularly until I said on Saturday how the situation was strange. He found out that we were having a party for my housemates birthday (who I met him through and he has been friends for years), and he seemed upset/annoyed he hadnt been invited.

 

I then had 4 texts from him on Monday which I didn't reply to and I've heard nothing since. I guess I broke NC slightly yesterday by tagging a photo of him on Facebook, really wish I'd just left him off it now.

 

I am the same as you - at the moment I want all or nothing, but I am worried I will lose him completely forever if I say that, and we have a lot of mutual friends and I loved him as a friend before we got together, but now everything seems different. I think a lot of it is me missing the idea of him, and how he made me feel when we were together, and just generally spending time and laughing with him. I know that we couldn't immediately get back together as there are issues that would have to be resolved, but I just think we definitely gave up too easily. I feel that if something major had happened I could deal with it, but his feelings seemed to change overnight and that's what I find hard to understand.

[gundr1kr]

I feel like my guy just gave up too. I know that he plays games a lot which is really annoying because I am not a game player. I like to tell it how it is. Sometimes I wonder if he is just trying to play a game to see how much I care for him or something. I have said it many times, but I just dont understand. One night I was at the bar with my friends. Apparently some girls that he had dated before had texted him asking him if he wanted to meet up. He said he didnt go (and I believe him) but he said he had to think long and hard if he really was going to go or not and that was when he realized that he needed to end things between us.

 

I am hoping that the NC will make him realize what he is missing. It really sucks because we got really serious really fast and talked about marriage and we even took a trip to a different state to see if we would ever want to live there.

 

Do you think our guys will come back to us? It seems like we are in similar situations. Its hard for me to accept.

[mijo]

I feel exactly the same, my guy is a bit of a game player too, i hate that.

There would days when if we hadn't spoken during the day I'd text him at say 10pm and he'd reply saying "you haven't text me all day?x" and then even though I'd say "well you haven't text me either", he would be funny about it as if he needed the reassurance of me texting him. Also one evening we had arranged that he'd come for dinner and I text him before I left work saying "hey, are you still coming over this evening?x" and he replied "do you want me to?x". I rang him up and explained that I'd never have text him to check if I didn't, and I even said to him "I'm never going to be on of those girls who will beg for you to come over, I want you to come because you want to". That all seems a very long time ago now though.

 

I don't know if they will come back to us, I guess all we can do is sit it out and wait and see. It sucks it being at this time of year, on the one hand it's good because it means you're busier than you might have otherwise been, but I just feel like I should be enjoying this time of year with him rather than being apart!

 

With regard to it maybe being a test to see how much you care, was your guy the jealous type at all, or did he quite often seek reassurance?

 

When did you guys break up again?

 

It's good having someone to speak to on here who is in a similar position.

[gundr1kr]

Yeah it almost seems like we are dating the same guy, haha (well were). My guy did get jealous but I didnt think it was a big issue when it came to other men. I knew he didnt like it when other men would text me or go out of there way to text me. I dont know if it was jealousy or not but the day before we broke up I was planning to go out with my girls. I had known about this girls night for about 3 weeks and for about 3 weeks are heard non stop about he didnt want me to go and wanted me to hang out with him instead. He said it each time in a laughing matter like he wasnt serious but I knew deep down that he didnt want me to go. I still went because it had been a couple of months since I had been out with my friends. I think he didnt want me to get drunk or he didnt around me other guys or something. What about you was your guy that way?

 

I dont think he ever really needed reassurance from me though.

 

We broke up December 7th so it has been about a week and a half.

 

I am by no means waiting by the phone to see if he will contact me but I do wish he would. I do wish that I had this time to spend with him because spending time together was an issue for us to. He is in law school and his exams just ended yesterday so we would actually be able to spend a lot of time together now if we were still in a relationship.

 

Are you getting any other good advice that I am maybe missing?

[mijo]

haha we do indeed seem like we dated the same guy. I work in music and go to a lot of gigs, one night he had wanted to see me but i said I was going to this gig in the next city and he got a bit funny about it. Laughed it off and just said he had hoped to see me. He then text me a lot during the eve and then text me at abt 1am asking if I'd got home safe. It was all quite nice, but then I mentioned that we'd bumped into 2 guys we knew and had given them a lift back but one had been so drunk he had been sick in my friends car. He got really funny about it and was being ridiculous saying about me pulling etc. I laughed and said "oh come on one was my friend's ex and one was throwing up!", we turned it round into a joke but I knew deep down he didn't like it. crazy.

 

I bet the week and a half has gone by really slowly hasn't it.

 

As for advice most of my friends have just told me to ignore him, don't text him back and don't speak to him. They are of the opinion well he ended it and is now behaving like an idiot by still contacting you, so the best think you can do is just ignore him. They also advised me to not meet up with him too soon until I am happier with the situation because otherwise you risk falling into the mistake of kissing or sleeping with them and then it will all just become even more complicated and hurtful for you.

 

Obviously though as friends they have heard my moaning about things he has done whereas I probably haven't told them about all the good times so they can't really understand why I miss him so much.

[gundr1kr]

How long were you guys together?

 

Yes, my friends and family are the same way. They tell me to ignore it and I can find someone else out there that is not so immature and controlling. Apparently some family members couldnt understand why I was with him in the first place.

 

I find it all to be very confusing. I am doing NC right now not to heal and I know that is wrong. I am primarily doing it so he can realize what he is missing. It might sound really really ridiculous but when we were in a relationship he would contact me 10-15 times a day. It was almost like he was obsessed. I dont know how you can be so obsessed with someone and then just want to end it.

 

Then sometimes I am thnking....why am I still holding on? He told me he doesnt want to be together and I just need to accept it and move on. I just dont want to. I was in love with him. I still want him to come back.

 

Do you go back and forth like I do?

[mijo]

I am exactly the same, he used to contact me all the time too. he would ring me on his way to work and text me to say good morning, then send me things through the day. I miss that a lot, plus also think to myself why obviously he is doing that to somebody else now and that's why I haven't heard from him...not necessarily true but thats how the mind works.

 

We were together for 3 months and were friends beforehand. We have a lot of mutual friends so it has been a bit odd, but everyone has been good throughout. A few of our problems stemmed from being friends though in that he said he felt that I sometimes treated him as more of a mate than a boyfriend, and we didn't get a lot of alone time as we'd often hang out or go out with our friends.

 

I am also doing NC more to make him realise as opposed for the healing (I know it's wrong too). I think it has helped me heal somewhat as it's made me realise that I can get through the day without hearing from him, but I do just wish he would text me and say something nice.

 

I go back and forth all the time. Normally when I first wake up I am upset and wish he was there with me, then I go through the anger/I don't need you phase, then I'll go down again and vica versa. I just hope that doesn't carry on forever. I don't want to carry on waking up and my first thought being of him because I am sure he doesn't do the same.

 

Also we spent most of our time together at my house as he lived out of the city but worked nearer to me, so most of our memories are near to where I am, whereas there are hardly any for him. That sounds a silly thing but I just think it will mean he doesn't remember little things like I do. I'm going to the pub where we first met, and then had our first date together, with some other friends tonight. I haven't been there since going with him so it will be sad, but I can make some new memories.