how do you do "no contact" when he has a child?

[tmarie]

Hello!

This is my first post...I have been reading posts on this site for weeks now and it has been really beneficial to me. I had not even considered the "no contact" rule until I started reading about other people who were experiancing the heartbreak that I was going through. I am on Day 20 now and I have run into a roadblock.

My ex and I dated for almost 3 years...very intense serious relationship. Our relationship did not end badly. Him and his wife filed for divorce 3.5 years ago. It has taken so long because he wants to keep sole custody of his son and his lawyer thought the longer he had his son by himself the better his chances. He broke up with me because he said he needed to get his life back together and he needed to concentrate on that. His final court date is set for February 20 and he will finally be free.

I was "mother" to his son since he was 1 year old. We have been broken up now for almost 3 months and we had tried to stay in contact. But, I was the only one making any contact. We live a couple of hours away from each other now. (One of the reasons for the break up.) But, I made a point to go there every couple of weeks because he son needed to see me. Everytime I talk to his son, he is all upset that I do not come and see him anymore.

This as been so hard for me because I lost not one, but the 2 most important people in my life.

Now, here's my dilema...Valentine's Day is coming up and I know little one will be upset if I do not send him a Valentine. But, since I am doing "no contact" I am afraid that if I do send one, my ex will feel obligated to call me and thank me. I only want him to contact me because he misses me, not because he feels like he has to.

How do I handle this without putting myself back at square one?

[bleeder]

Hi tmarie,

 

I can empathise with your situation. It is never easy when you are in a relationship with the shadow of someone else lurking around the corner.

 

One question though. You did not really state the actual reason for your breakup? It would help us answer your query better if we could find out the cause. From what you have shared, I think it is best to let the relationship go and to move on with your life.

 

Getting over someone was never meant to be easy. It's not as simple as flicking a switch. It takes lots of time and perserverence on your part. True, many a times we could be tempted to re-contact our ex partners. But think again. Interacting again might bring about more pain, as more questions would be asked.

 

So give yourself a break and some time. V day or not, see it as a time to spend moments with someone you truly love. Yourself.

 

All the best.

[lunatic]

Hi Tmarie,

 

I can understand your situation because my ex and I broke up and she had twin girls. I was their father(father like figure) for about four years. To the point that they called me daddy a lot. When we broke up I tried to stay in their life to make it easier on them. The one thing I neglected was my feelings. I started the no contact rule with them having the option to call me at anytime. They never called me and it has been over six months since I have seen them. Did I mention that I was a part of their lives since they were two and now they are six. If you need the no contact rule then keep it firmly in place. Your ex's son has to learn sometime in his life that "life is not always fair".

Take care of you and then maybe one day you will be able to handle a relationship as friends with your ex and his son. It does sound like you had a bad break up but, civilized end. Take care of you like your ex is taking care of himself.

 

Not everthing is going to be easy in life you just have to learn to adapt.

 

Be strong for you and worry about others when you are better.

 

Good luck,

Hubman

 

p.s. PM me anytime if you need advice from someone who went through the same situation.

[Beec]

No contact is good for two reasons, in my opinion: one it gets you away from the thing hurting you; and it keeps you from doing anything that will actually drive your ex further away, such as begging them to come back, pleading, chasing, declaring your undying love, etc. If you can deal with the contact as far as it hurting you, you don't need to avoid it altogether. But if contact will trigger too many emotions, stay away.

 

If you can handle the call from your ex without engaging in those behaviors, then by all means I would send the valentine to his son. It's not to him, it may seem to him like you ignored him not his son, and it can give you a chance to seem independent when he does call you.

 

Go read this post for some more insight. It advises on a guy getting back his girl, but the same rules apply.

[tmarie]

He broke up with me for a multitude of reasons. When him and I were still together he did not even have a date set for his final divorce hearing. He said he could not get it finished and get his life straight if he had so much going on. And, since I moved 2.5 hours away he was scared that I would find someone else, since he did not consider himself good enough for me. We were fighting quite a bit about trust issues and so forth with us trying to maintain a long distance relationship. He said he needed to concentrate on him and his son for now.

He also said that he needed his freedom since he had not had it before. About 6 months after him and his wife split was when we started seeing each other. For the years we dated he had gone back and forth with wanting to get married and have a family to not ever having a future with another woman. MAJOR confused at all times.

He said he really wanted us to maintain a close friendship after the breakup but everytime I called him he would act all cold and distant. I'd ask him if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said no, he wanted us to be friends.

Then he calls me a few weeks back to ask if I am seeing someone else. I told him yes, because I am seeing someone else, casually...but exclusively, if that makes sense. He said that was cool. Then he asked if I would come by his house that weekend so we could hang out a little bit. Well, when I got there he was all packed up and told me he was going to his mom's house. So, I left. Since then we have not spoken. I decided to try the "no contact" rule....Day 20 now. What the heck is going on?

I'm so confused as to what he wants...should I pursue or let it go?

[captain_nemo]

well, you hve said that yr b/f broke up with u because he wanted to get his life back together with his son. u hve also said that u love yr b/f's son and the kid also loves u. So why did he thought of breaking up with u for getting his life back with his son? Also why he doesn't want u to contact his kid? the reason may be the following:

 

1. U feel that the kid loves u but reality is different. pls don't misunderstand me. I don't want to hurt you. I am only talking about a possibility. After all u r not his natural mother. May be the kid has said something about u to his father and his father don't want to tell u that as it may hurt u.

 

2. The kid loves u but refuses to place u in his mother's place.

 

3. The kid loves u and is ready to place u in his mother's place. But yr b/f is not able to understand yr importance in his kid's life. He may also hve a perception that yr presense in his life may be harmful for his kid because u r not his son's natural mother.

 

What u need to do now is to search for the answers of the above questions. Have a frank and open talk with yr b/f. If any of the first two points is correct, then you will need to win the heart of the kid. If third point is correct, u will need to convince yr b/f.

 

If all of the above points are false then u will hve to talk to yr b/f regarding this break up. after all this is not only a relation between u and yr b/f. a kid is also involved in it. So don't just jump to any conclusion and clarify the exact situation properly.

 

Ragarding the Valentines Day gift, I will suggest u to go ahead and send the gift to the kid if u really love him. Valentines Day is a very special occasion to express love and care and a kid deserves it more than an adult. U care for yr b/f's feeling, its ok, but a kid should get priority on that day. U also hve to choose from the following options:

 

1. It is more important for me not to upset a little kid on valentines day.

 

2. It is more important for me to find out whether my b/f contacts me because he misses me or he is under obligation.

 

These two options r mutually exclusive. Choose one and u will get ur answer.

 

Nemo

[tmarie]

I know that I would, for sure be sending his son a valentine strictly for his sake. I would have sent it without question, until I considered the fact that his father might feel obligated to call me. Makes me wish the little guy could read already so his father would not have to know about it.

And my ex has no problem with me spending time in his son's life. He said that he needs to have a female influence in his life that he knows loves him.

Thanks for all your great advice, Captain. I'm going to do it for my little buddies sake and no one else's. His heart would be broken if he did not get a Valentine from me.

[Athena]

I agree with sending the valentine to his son.

 

I agree with doing this but still maintaining the no contact rule.

 

If your ex feels the need to contact you as a result of your sending the V-day greeting (assume he will), you don't have to accept his call.

 

Do what is right for you. If you want to send the card, send it. If you think the ex will call - but you don't want to talk to him, don't.