Pushing family away

[Balbina]

I've always had a bit of a messed up family history. My parents divorced when I was 5, and are both twice-divorced and I have a strained relationship with my family. I was in a car accident at 14 where I lost my eye and disfigured my face and for the past 5 years have been on a roller coaster with my life. 7 surgeries and many many mistakes later, I'm doing ok. I'm almost done with my high school courses, I've got a great boyfriend...but I'm still obviously, not emotionally ok. This is a given since it's an ongoing process...and I have been in therapy on and off but I always come to the conclusion that self-reflection and assertiveness does more for me than any therapist.

 

My issue is this: I don't talk to my sister or my mom or anyone really for that matter about whats going on with me. Partly because, after my accident, I felt that people tip-toed around me and my issues or tried to sugar coat the truth for me, saying I was so "Strong" and "Tough" while I was actually in the deepest depression of my life and endangering my life with my actions. My mom never really seemed to notice and while she would care for me after surgeries, emotionally I was very much on my own. I know she is busy with running her own business and having her own life, but I've just felt like she chose to conveniently pretend that things weren't as bad as they actually were. So, in a way, I've come to sort of resent her although I do love her very much. Just because she never did notice how bad things were. I know, its crazy, since I made such an effort to hide it from the world.

 

Things with my sister have always been strained because we're just VERY different people in every way and I've always been in conflict with her about most things and she would usually get her way with me. She's a very aggressive person and resorts to physical threats to get her way... After a year of some pretty brutal instances, I cut her off in a way and told her to go screw herself because I didn't want to be her friend. We're slowly getting back on track but I still maintain a distance.

 

Recently, they told me that they think I am a selfish person. That I keep too much to myself and I don't care for others and block people out of my life.

 

Ironically, I kind of agree. I'm a selfish person. Honestly, I don't even know anymore if the hurt is the reason or if I've just become a selfish person. I really have noticed that I don't care much about them or their problems. It's almost as if I've turned into a bitter person...when I hear about their issues I immediately dismiss them because a) they never cared enough about mine and b) I don't find them significant.

 

I don't know how to change this person that I've become. I don't know if I'm capable of being anything but what I am because I don't want to be walked all over...

 

I've always been on my own, and after years of relying on myself I find it REALLY hard to think of being any other way but I don't understand how I did become a bad person. I used to think that my life story made me for the better but I feel like its created this huge rift between my family and has made me cold.

 

I don't like who I've become but I think that this is just who I am sometimes. I've always been an independent person that has enjoyed her own company more than others...but I don't want to have that make me a bad person.

[lisa1126]

Dear Balbina,

 

I could understand why you are way you are with your family.

You probably are a naturally strong, independent person. And on top of that you have had a very deep pain in your young life which did something to "harden" you up a little. But that doesn't make you a bad person. It's just the way things are now.

 

I don't think you are being selfish at all, hurt, maybe even resentful, but selfish no. Don't worry about your "pushing away" your family now. I am sure there will come a time when you are a little more open and forthcoming with your family. I wouldn't force that issue now. Don't hate them, of course, because that is only so destructive to you. Yes, self-reflection and solitude are very therapeutic for some people. Take care of yourself that way and give yourself some time. You can try to be cordial and respectful to your family, even when you may not necessarily feel like that. But I wouldn't worry about being very close to them right now.

[resilient7]

balbina-trust me when i say this but you are not a bad person and its almost perfectly normal to feel the way you do.i felt that same resentment towards my mom and i love that woman to death.im sure things will unfold sometime,when you least expect i

if anything it sounds like you are a nice person that is trying to reach out to her family but is finding it difficult at the moment.

be patient and give you self that time you need