LadyLove Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 The guy I have been dating for 3 months has never asked me to meet his friends ( i met only 1 ) he never invites me out when he has a party with his friends or to clubs. I know he was hurt because of his ex and wants to take things slow, but it hurts.... I talked to him about this and hung up on him and called him the next morning he was so upset that I hung up on him and we have not talked since yesterday afternoon. I called him and left a messahge today, he has not yet called back. I know he is going out with his friends tonight.... What is going on here....?!??!!? Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 And what does he say when you talk to him about this? What are his reasons? I see no correlation between being hurt in the past, and going out in public together. So investing only private alone intimate time is the smarter choice? I don't think so. You need to figure out whats going on and WHY. I'm not seeing the relation between you meeting friends, and him getting hurt. If he's investing private alone time with you, thats the type of thing that will cause him the most hurt..not clubbing with you! Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 I cannot understand it..... we are not "official" so I can understand when he does not want to bring me out with his friends, he is not a clubbing type so I understand that also.... we talked about becoming official he says he is not ready....he does not like that I smoke or drink..... so there is nothing else I can do..... I am falling in love with this guy... he is the one out of 10 guys i have dated that I have countinued to see.... Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 I feel like I am his in between relationship girl..... Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 what did he say when you asked to meet his friends? maybe you were too angry and confronting about it? i dunno. maybe he doesn't feel ready to take that step in the relationship - to introduce you to his friends? Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 I have never asked him to meet his friends.... I can accept his privacy but I can't accept that he throws a party and does not invite me.... but now I feel like "we" are over..... I am not going to call him again.... I left a message he should call me....otherwise.... it's his problem not mine.... I feel like calling him now....but don't want to take the chance of him not answer and me looking ike a * * * * * * * Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 I would not bother calling him back. He is not treating you right and you deserve better. He knows where he can find you if he wants to treat you better. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 At best, he's keeping you at arms' length. At worst, he doesn't want to be seen out with you because he's actually supposed to be with someone else. Actually, it sounds as though you're being used. If he's deliberately maintaining distance between you because he doesn't want to get that involved, and you want to close the gap, getting emotional about it will have been totally counter-productive from that point of view. However, if it means that the issue becomes much clearer for you - that he backs off as soon as you make any kind of demand on him - you're much better placed to decide whether this relationship is meeting your needs or not. Years ago, my father committed suicide and my marriage broke up within the space of six months. For a couple of years I couldn't stand being around men, until I met someone who was going through a really nasty divorce and couldn't cope with any kind of commitment either. We suited each other very well for a couple of years, until I decided to move on, but we're friends to this day. But it sounds as though you want a relationship and your guy is happy stringing you along. Ask yourself, are you happy with this arrangement? If not, well ... Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 how exactly did you bring it up to him? were you accusatory? like, 'why haven't you introduced me to your friends?' maybe a nicer way would have been just to say, 'how about you and your friends come along with me and my friends to the bar?' but i agree, it can be a red flag. i too, was once in your shoes, where a guy i was dating for 3-4 months hadn't yet introduced me to his friends, nor invited me to parties he was invited to. i asked him why i wasn't introduced to his friends, and he told me that none of his close friends lived in the area. and then i said, 'well, what about the people you hang out with?' he said, 'they're not really my friends, more like acquaintances.' in any case, we broke up shortly after that, he admitted that he wasn't as into me as i was into him. i dunno. i mean, some people take longer to get serious than others. for many people, meeting each others' friends is a rite of passage, a serious step. if he's had many good opportunities to introduce you to them, then i'd say he's 'probably not that into you.' i don't know though - are there other problems in the relationship? Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 I have never asked him to meet his friends.... I can accept his privacy but I can't accept that he throws a party and does not invite me.... but now I feel like "we" are over..... I am not going to call him again.... I left a message he should call me....otherwise.... it's his problem not mine.... I feel like calling him now....but don't want to take the chance of him not answer and me looking ike a * * * * * * * ew, he throws a party without inviting you?!?!?! i mean, i can sort of understand if he isn't taking you to his work parties yet at his boss's house, but his own party...... yeah, my guess is that he may be seeing someone else, or wants to keep his options open. blah!!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 ....he does not like that I smoke or drink..... so there is nothing else I can do..... ok, so i don't know this guy, so i might be talking out of my butt here..... but for some people, smoking and drinking can be dealbreakers. some people won't marry smokers and drinkers, while others might date them, but wouldn't consider marrying them. i have on my online profile, "No smokers or addicts." very clear. if it's a big deal to him, that's why you might feel like and 'in between girl.' i would encourage you to stop smoking, it's one of the worst things you can do to your body. i know quitting can be very difficult, but you owe it to yourself to try as hard as you can to quit. plus it is a nasty habit. Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 I have cut down on smoking and stopped drinking. By next week I will quite smoking once and for all.... He won't answer my calls. the main issue we had was with being official and that I hung up on him, he did not like me hanging up one bit! He made it very clear to me.... but he knows how sensitive I am and I can't understand why he would tell me he would call me back and did not. I guess I just have to move on without answers... I hate dating!!!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 sorry about how things turned out. sigh. dating can be painful at times! Link to comment
lady00 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 Some people take longer to get to that point than others. Also, hanging up on someone is one of the most disrespectful things a person can do. He may still be upset about that and he may just be taking things slowly. I don't think it's an automatic red flag, but I do think it could mean that something is not right. However, I would not assume something negative without more to back it up. Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 Well I called him and left a message, he has not called back.... so the ball is in his court. I hung up on him only because he plays it to safe sometimes. He knows he likes me....so what is the problem? Link to comment
lady00 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 I understand why you hung up. You were upset. I guess I can just really see his side of it because I know that my bf would be livid if I ever hung up on him. He actually specifically said that hanging up out of anger was really disrespectful as far as he was concerned (it came up in conversation because a friend of his was hung up on by someone and he was like "wow, I would never do that and I'd be so angry if anyone did that to me."). I'm not saying people shouldn't get angry. Anger is going to happen in a relationship. I've been angry with him over the phone before but I knew that he would be beyond angry if I just hung up on him so I simply told him that I was upset and I needed to end the conversation. He accepted that, I calmed myself down and called him right back and the disagreement was resolved amicably. I know I am focusing a lot on that one issue--the hanging up. It's just that I find it hard to speak to the other issues because I wouldn't say 100% based on what you said that he is definitely jerking you around or that he has someone else etc. I'm just offering another point of view--and I may be in the minority here which is fine--but I think he may just be taking a while to open up and fully integrate you into his life. I will say, though, that of course, if you are not meeting a guy's friends, there is something wrong--I'm just not 100% sure about the timeline, that's all. It may just be that he has a longer timeline. Or he may be a jerk. I really can't tell though, just based on the information here and the fact that it's been 3 months. It really could be either. I would look at his actions overall. I, for one, have been with my bf for the same amount of time but I have not really accompanied him to parties, except for one occasion. And on that occasion, he definitely was not hiding me and was openly affectionate and he also introduced me to his friends. So I guess, my thing is, if this continues, it's definitely it's a problem. If he's just taking time to come out of his shell or just taking things more slowly, you will know. I guess it's all about how you feel about his timeline. If he's taking things too slowly, then maybe you two are not compatible (nothing wrong with either of you...just different approaches to relationships and that is good to know). Anyway, I hope that he does get back to you and you have the opportunity to talk this out calmly. Link to comment
LadyLove Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 Ok so he ended up calling me from outside of the club. We talked for about 20 minutes. He told me we got off to a crazy start (had sex too soon on 2nd date, i got pregnant, we go abortion, I got sick because I found out I was allegric to latex condoms and ended up in the hospital, so yeah we have been through alot) and being friends and seeing where it goes it the best way to start over. He said in his POF ad he was looking for long term but also stated to start out as friends and see where it led. He says he is happy where he is right now in his life and he is being honest about where he stands there is nothing against me..... its him. He said some people move quicker into relationships but he is not that way. I asked him if it means we are seeing eachother or dating or just friends and he replied "nothing I say is good enough". and he also mentioned that if in the interim if I meet someone he can't stop me. So to me, it seems like he wants to go forward but is alittle scared because of his ex and how we started out. (we stopped having sex btw because I want to be in a relationship and not just an fwb) I do not know what to say or feel anymore, I am so numb.... he still wants to see me knowing how I feel about him..... so what is his deal?! Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 well, it sounds like you are more into him than he is into you. it seems he is content just dating you, and not having you really be part of his life. i would certainly continue to meet other men on POF. personally, i would probably dump the guy at this point. that's just me. i guess you have to decide how long you are willing to wait in limbo for him to get over things. i don't think he's scared, i think he just likes having his options open. my 2 cents. i think it's a good thing that you stopped sleeping with him. Link to comment
ConfusedDater Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 Why would I go out of my way to introduce my girlfriend to my FRIENDS?? for what? I never even liked being around one of my friends girlfriend when he would bring her around. Family Yes, Friends No. Unless we are out and we run into my friends then I would introduce her but to arrange a meeting between my friends and my girl is WEIRD. Link to comment
lady00 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 No, CD, it's not weird to invite a partner to go to a party or hangout where his or her friends will be. People do this all the time. Link to comment
ConfusedDater Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 No, CD, it's not weird to invite a partner to go to a party or hangout where his or her friends will be. People do this all the time. But the OP seems to be BENT out of shape that it wasn't happening and I wouldn't be in a rush to meet my partner's friends. When it happens it would just happen. Nothing to be upset about IMO. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 Unless we are out and we run into my friends then I would introduce her but to arrange a meeting between my friends and my girl is WEIRD. Does this explain your username? Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 But the OP seems to be BENT out of shape that it wasn't happening and I wouldn't be in a rush to meet my partner's friends. When it happens it would just happen. Nothing to be upset about IMO. i think the problem is that she is at a stage where she is ready to integrate him deeper into her life (like by meeting friends), but he doesn't feel that way. a lot of relationship conflicts arise when one person is at a different stage than the other. Link to comment
ConfusedDater Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 i think the problem is that she is at a stage where she is ready to integrate him deeper into her life (like by meeting friends), but he doesn't feel that way. a lot of relationship conflicts arise when one person is at a different stage than the other. Well I guess that makes me different because since I'm not a partying type of Guy my Girl would never see my friends unless we ran into them in public. No matter how long we been together. Link to comment
ConfusedDater Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 Does this explain your username? It would be weird for me because I don't party. So how else would my girl meet my friends? Arrange a meeting at my house? Link to comment
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