She shuts down sexually

[rich_1517]

Hi

Im in a most difficult position. my girlfriend and i have been struggling with her lack of interest in sex. We broke up recently (her doing) a surprise, i have been the one with doubts. She is still wrestling with the whole thing. I have maintained no contact, she has not, calling, i miss you, i miss hanging out, etc. Now we going to do something together tonight.

 

History:

this has happened to her six times now, she is hot in the beginning, cools off and shuts down, she is also emotionally closed off. Boyfriends have dumped her becuase of no sex. then after they have been friends for a while they have sex again and its better.

 

I have tried to tell her that if she doesnt do therapy this will probably always happen. Its frustrating for me becuase we have a loving, suportive relationship and have both been thinking long term. She has said it but she is trying to decide if we become friends or get back together. and its pretty much around that issue. I have said i will work on my issues.

 

Do i say anything to her about this? that if we are friends if she calls me two years from now with the same problem with a new guy i would say the same thing "you have to go to therapy, just changing guys isnt going to do it"

 

I dont think she is done with me but confused. how much do i say? or just be her friend? I love her a lot and want to work it out i just dont know the boundaries here. do i keep doing limited and no contact to make her miss me and let that drive her sexual interest?

[Anti-Everything]

Dude, just move on. It sounds so simple, and is that simple. Find someone new and forget about the current girl. It really isn't worht the trouble, there are so many girls out there.

If a girl isn't intrested in you sexually that means shes not attracted to you. Usually if a girl likes you and is attracted to you, once she becomes sexually active they will want to have sex as much or more than the guy.

Another idea is that she could be a lesbian, this is not at all a rare occurrence, and you should consider it, especially if she does this with everyone.

[amilasiu]

I have to ask you whether this relationship is worth your commitment? i think the girl has serious issues and is quite confused. If your relationship will continue it will be so much work to set it right, and still the success may not happen. Sex is an essential thing in a relationship, admit it or not. Sexual problems can break and irritate the most romantic, lovey-dovey couples. Is she aware of her behavior? If she is, will she seriously work on it (sex therapy, couple therapy, soul searching, etc.)? If she bounces back and forth denying any issues and refusing any help, this will not work in the end and then it might be better to give up.

[mskc0511]

All i have to say is ask yourself is sex that important to your relationship. If she means that much to you ...sex shouldnt be a priority. I can understand that she may have a sex drive problem, but have you ever tried to help the situation. I have a similar problem because my boyfriend doesnt think that I want to have sex...I am just not in the mood. The way that I see it...if sex is that important to him then he needs to help me get in the mood and not just sit there and act like I am supposed to be in the mood. Sometimes girls need a little motivation...thats all. I can understand your frustration, but if she is worth it to you then you should do what you can to keep her and respect her. Dont make her feel bad about the situation because she cant help it. Try to make it better because it will show that you care and that you are not insensitice to the situation.

[Beec]

She has a recurring problem. It has cropped up with you and in her relationships prior to her dating you. You may get back together with no issues at first, but then you will be expecting it to crop up again. I'm not going to recommend that you give up on her, but you should make her start to deal with the problem before you get back with her, and if she won't move on.

[Luvly]

I agree with mskc0511.

If sex is your only priority then you should really dump her and find someone who can satisfy your sexual needs.

I know that sounds harsh, but if that's all you want from her- and your'e obviously not getting it-then you then you need leave her alone.

Don't pressure her into having sex with you, because the more you push her, the more she's NOT going to have the desire to do it.

The other thing is, you need 2 figure out why? she shuts down.

I was raped as a child, and similarly I behave the same way she does. If you've ever watched the Antoine Fischer story that should help you the effects of sexual trauma as well.

Furthermore, you should ask her if she were "traumatized" (raped, sexually abused, molested) as a child and see how she reacts to it.

Lastly, you should understand that there is NOTHING you can do about it because it starts with her and she should be the one to make the change- but I guarentee you, you'll only be making it worse if you push her.

It does NOT mean she's a lesbian, unless she shows any interst in females.

Besides, you don't know weather or not she's shutting down sexually because you're a guy (which I doubt), or for some other reason- which is why I encourage you to find out if she has an underlying motive. GoodLuck[/code]