is it normal?

[SamiJayne]

I posted a few days or so back about my baby dying. I feel really stupid at the moment. I don't feel like its real. It's been nearly two weeks (on tuesday). Is it normal? I feel like I made it all up in my head, that i rather believe I was never pregnant and I never had her.

 

I can't sleep, and I only eat as I want to try again as soon as I'm allowed. I keep thinking of tricking my partner, as he does want children but wants to wait till I'm in the clear or until he feels ready to try again. But I feel like I'm going insane, as common sense would be to wait until my infection goes away. (I had some of the placenta left inside, and had it removed on friday but sadly got an infection because of it.) But its like part of me wants to get pregnant really fast. I've talked to my partner about this, and he's being really understanding about it.

 

 

But then theres times like last night when I couldn't sleep at all. And I lay awake watching tv all night, and when I lay on my front I could tell my stomach was empty. And that she wasn't inside of me anymore, and it really hurt and I ended up going to the box I put all the stuff I got for her in and crying for hours.

 

I don't know what to do, it's hard pretending it hasn't happened when people keep talking about it. I just want to run away, I dont want to go to the funeral. I don't want to believe it's real. I think if I run away (Did i mention I'm a grown woman....) then I wouldn't have to face facts.

 

When I do get upset over it, and try to accept that it happened and she's gone. I think of ways of trying to kill myself, and thats even more selfish. But I just don't know what to do.

 

I wish there was some drug to make all the pain go away is it normal to feel the way i am feeling? or is it worse because I was depressed before it all happened?

[Supa_gurl]

Oh sweetie, this is all normal. It is part of the grieving process. You will have days that you can not eat, sleep, or function. Then you will have days where you feel fine. It is real and it is not fair, but you are a survivor and you WILL persevere to bring another blessing into this world as I am sure the good Lord intended for you to do. Just have faith, hang in there, and come to us when you need someone to talk to. We all love you SamiJayne.

[metrogirl]

I too, lost my baby after birth. He passed when he was just an hour old. There are so many emotions that you will feel. Of course none of it feels real right now. You will likely have many bad days as did I. As time progresses, it does get easier, I know that is so cliche but it's absolutely true.

 

Have you thought about any type of counseling? I think I had posted a link before but here it is again.

 

link removed

 

These are all people that have lost a child, whether a baby or an adult. Please look into a support group to help you deal with everything that you are feeling.

 

If you need to vent or talk or just cry, please pm me. I wish I would have had something like ENA when my son passed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You might want to see if the hospital can hook you up with a counsellor who specializes in this area of grief. It might help you come to terms with your loss. What you are feeling is very normal after going through this kind of ordeal.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I can't even begin to imagine the pain felt from losing a child. My heart goes out to you hunny. Hugs!!

 

I nearly lost my son when he was a small baby and the pain was unbearable I can't even begin to imagine the pain I would have felt if I did lose him. I don't think anything can compare. As others have said, take your time to heal as long as that may be. If you feel you need to seek counseling then do so. Don't rush yourself into something you aren't ready for. 2 weeks isn't a long time at all, everything is still so fresh.

[Hope75]

((HUGS))

 

Sami what you are feeling is totally normal, you are grieving the loss of your child and it is going to take time.

 

I agree with CAD, can you call your doctor/hospital and see if there is a support group or counselor they can set you up with to help you process your grief and get through it. Don't be afraid to lean on your husband, he is going through a loss too and it might help you two to talk about it and support each other.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[BellaDonna]

I'm so sorry. One of my best friends had a still born when she was 7 months pregnant with a baby girl, in August 2007. She now has a healthy 3 month old son, but her heart still aches over the loss of her first baby.

 

I think losing a baby is one of the most heart-breaking, soul-crushing things that can happen to a woman. I know for my friend it was really tough- she said she still felt like she could feel the baby move inside her, long after she buried her. She suffered from vivid dreams and anxiety after it happened.

 

There's nothing I can say that will take the pain away, but I will surely keep you in my throughts and prayers.

 

((Hugs))

 

Bella

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It's okay to let yourself grieve. This is probably one of the hardest things a person can go through. You're doing just fine. Don't be hard on yourself, because this wasn't your fault and the tragedy will only make you a stronger, more compassionate, and intelligent woman.

 

You can make it through to the other side of this. Just stay as strong as you've been, Sami. Turn to ENA whenever you need help. We are all here for you.

[SamiJayne]

I'm starting to really hate my partner. i am desperate to try again. I need to feel a baby inside of me again. It's like if i don't get pregnant soon, I'm just going to give up on life. It sounds awful, I haven't even burried Sophie Alice, and I'm thinking of getting pregnant again.

 

my partner wants to wait until the gyno says we can try, and when he's ready. So i get these crazy thoughts of tricking him. He knows about this as I'm sometimes way to honest.

 

I dont want to go to the funeral. I shouldn't have to bury my baby. She was so perfect, and even now when I go see her in the chappel of rest shes still beautiful.

 

I went to see her the other day, and I was trying to talk to her in my head, and my partner kept asking for a hug, and if i was ok or just generally talking or crying. And i can feel this bubble of maddness building up inside of me. I just wanted to sit and talk to my baby and snuggle her. And he kept bugging me. It sounds so childish. but on monday my babies going ot be in the ground and i wont be able to hold her anymore. And I can't bear the thought of that. I wasn't even there more than 20 mins and my partner was like "are you ready to go?" so i went.

 

I hate it, I want to take my baby home, and feed her. And hold her and hug her. And kiss her good night. And read that stupid book I read to all the children I looked after. "dear Zoo" I alawys loved the faces teh kids made when we read it. and I always looked forward to reading it to Sophie. I was going to order it and read it to her at 24 weeks. But I was one day short of that.

 

I thought I had ages, I whined at febuary being so far away, and Sophie missing this christmas. And now she won't get any christmas. she'll never get excited over wrapping paper and boxes more than pressents. Or anything babies do. I hate it. It just can't be real.

 

I just don't know what to do, I just keep thinking of ways to kill myself, and its maddness. I rather leave my partner on his own, than live with the thought my baby might be somewhere all alone. I believe in heaven and God etc. But at the moment, i feel how can someone so powerful take my baby away from me.

 

I just wish i could bring her home, I dont want to put her in the ground. She's too little to have to be in the ground.

[Hope75]

Sami,

 

(((HUGS))

 

Victoria is right, what you are feeling is normal and expected after such a loss. If you don't feel able to attend the service don't force yourself, do what feels best for you.

 

Give your body and your heart some time to recover, and then get pregnant again, when it's right for both of you.

 

((HUGS))

 

You are in my prayers.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

You are in far too much stress to carry another baby right now. Your body is in complete and total shock. The logistics are not in your favor. Instead of feeling resentful towards him, why don't you turn to him and help each other?