How soon would you move in with someone?

[stella74]

I went over to the home of a married friend and she revealed that she moved in with the man she eventually married after their 3rd date. I was shocked, because I could never do something like that. I'm not judging her...I'm just surprised since it's so different from how I date. For example, I didn't move in with my ex-fiance until after we dated seriously in an exclusive relationship for two years.

 

So I'm curious, how long after you've dated have you moved in with someone? Or if you're single now, how long would it take for you to live with someone you date?

[FreedomRing]

I've only lived with one partner before...and it was after approximately 10 months of dating.

 

I won't be doing that again, unless we're engaged or until after marriage.

[kuiks8]

I am on the other end of the spectrum my ex husband and i didn't live together before we were married and I would never make that kind of commitment again without having lived with the person first.

I think it depends on where each couple is at...I think after a year or so though would be good for me...

[stella74]

That's interesting Kuiks that you now think you'd need to live with the man first. Why is that? What would you find out by living together that you'd need to know in order to make the commitment of marriage? I know that I feel the same way, but your reasons are probably different than mine since you've been through a marriage and divorce and I haven't.

[kuiks8]

That's interesting Kuiks that you now think you'd need to live with the man first. Why is that? What would you find out by living together that you'd need to know in order to make the commitment of marriage? I know that I feel the same way, but your reasons are probably different than mine since you've been through a marriage and divorce and I haven't.

 

I just think you learn a lot more about a person when you live with them. You learn their habits and quirks and preferences and bad habits and everything...and i think if you are going to commit yourself LIFE LONG to a person you should know as much as possible about them before making that commitment.

My ex and i learned that we looked at soo many things differently in terms of housework cooking etc and it caused a lot of conflict...among 1000 other things of course...

[poloplayer]

I did it once, and I wouldn't do it again. I learned a lot from it, but my current stance is that I will move in with someone once we marry.

[kuiks8]

I did it once, and I wouldn't do it again. I learned a lot from it, but my current stance is that I will move in with someone once we marry.

 

why is that can i ask?

[bmwm3]

I did it once, and I wouldn't do it again. I learned a lot from it, but my current stance is that I will move in with someone once we marry.

 

I feel the same way... lived with my ex for 9motnhs.. it ruined the rel...

[KG]

I lived with a G/F after we had dated for 9 months. In the next 6 months, I realised it had been a mistake! Her personal space was so rigid, something I never saw before I moved in. Plus, it was her place, so her rules. Learned a lot!

If my son were older, I'd do it again, after a year of dating. Too expensive to learn about someone after marriage.

[stella74]

I just think you learn a lot more about a person when you live with them. You learn their habits and quirks and preferences and bad habits and everything...and i think if you are going to commit yourself LIFE LONG to a person you should know as much as possible about them before making that commitment.

My ex and i learned that we looked at soo many things differently in terms of housework cooking etc and it caused a lot of conflict...among 1000 other things of course...

 

Thanks for the response. I think after two years with my ex, I knew how compatible we'd be living with each other. We spent a lot of time with each other and had done extensive traveling together. But it is different once you actually move in together. That's for sure! I think what surprises me most about my friend is that she's been married now for four years. You'd think that after moving in after the 3rd date, that even if they got married they'd find out how incompatible they were domestically and end up getting divorced.

[kuiks8]

I feel the same way... lived with my ex for 9motnhs.. it ruined the rel...

 

but you say moving in together ruined the relationship so all of a sudden you get married and that is going to make it ok to live with someone? that will be the magic formula to ensure that you won't have the problems you had when you moved in with someone before getting married?

I don't understand the logic of having lived with someone and having it not work out but thinking that by not living together and getting married it will be better...

[babii doll]

different views here, seems like living together or living together after marriage didnt make much of a difference for some of yall. maybe there were other factors that came into play in spite of the living situation that ruined the relationship?

 

the bf and i have been togetehr for a year now and hes been talking about moving in together but im a little hesitant, i think after seeing enough statistics about co habitating relationships fail i often wonder if we will just become another number to that list.

 

especially after hearing enough stories of ppl who have been there and done that, makes me a little paranoid, at this point i think keeping my independence is key, if we get engaged then ill reconsider moving in.

[bmwm3]

but you say moving in together ruined the relationship so all of a sudden you get married and that is going to make it ok to live with someone? that will be the magic formula to ensure that you won't have the problems you had when you moved in with someone before getting married?

I don't understand the logic of having lived with someone and having it not work out but thinking that by not living together and getting married it will be better...

 

I understand and agree with what your saying... i really dont know how that will work... hoping by the time i get married i will reqinize and understand how to not let it effect me...

 

maybe living together will be the final stage if we belong together.. test it out and if it goes smothly we can get thru anything..lol

 

up to this point living with someone has made us grow apart almost... maybe to much time.. wish i knew...

[stella74]

maybe there were other factors that came into play in spite of the living situation that ruined the relationship?

 

That's what I'm wondering too.

 

If my son were older, I'd do it again, after a year of dating. Too expensive to learn about someone after marriage.

 

Yes, that's very true! It was difficult enough financially (and emotionally, even though it was an amicable and mutual decision) when my ex and I broke off our engagement and had to move out. It felt like getting a divorce. That's the only thing I wonder about in terms of getting married first before living together. If you're going to go to all that trouble and financial commitment of living together, maybe it is better to be married first. But then I think I'd need to live with someone first in order to make the commitment of marriage.

[stella74]

up to this point living with someone has made us grow apart almost

 

That's sad. Better that it happened before marrying, I guess. Living with my ex brought us closer together. I definitely wouldn't be ready for that kind of intimacy after dating a short while, though!

[cruzer]

I think people that move in together and have their relationships fail is important. what if u chose not to move in with that person and u never found out about this and that, then u got married to them and THEN found out about it.

 

I would not rush into moving in with something until your very very comfortable with the person, so that when ur living together and u find out a few things about them u did not know, it might not kill the relationship.

[_Asti_]

We've been togther 4.5 years and still not living together. We're defintely ready for it, as in the relationship is certainly ready for more, but our life stage isn't. We're waiting till we're a little better established, career for him, me finished school and all that. We don't want to move in together for the sake of moving in and having to struggle to make ends meet.

 

Now if it was in the future, and this relationship didn't work out, as this is my first relationship..it may not be that long before I'd make the move, but then again...all these years have been very valuable and have given us a great foundation for success, in our eyes. He moved in with his last girlfriend after about 1.5 years of being together and said it was a huge mistake, one he doesn't want to make again.

[lonely rose]

People are so different. I had a school teacher that told us her husband proposed to her the day that they met and they have been happily married...Moving with someone after knowing him for three dates is pretty fast for me, it takes me longer to decide if I wanna be in a relationship with the guy, let alone consider living together! I guess it will take me at least 6 months in a committed relationship before I move with a partner.

[stella74]

It's interesting to me that there are such differences - 3rd date, 6 months, 1-2 years, 5 years. I guess it just boils down to the two individuals.

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to move in with someone sooner than 1 year and I don't think I'd want to wait more than 5 years. If it were too soon, I think there might not be a strong enough foundation to support the relationship. If it were too long, I'd think there might be other issues that were preventing the relationship from progressing to marriage. That is, of course, if the couple wants to marry. I've had friends who've lived together for 10-20 years without ever getting married and there were very happy. But most of the successful couples I know married after living together, and they moved in together after a long time of dating in an exclusive relationship first (usually 2-7 years). Some were engaged before they moved in together and some got engaged after.

[ghost69]

i would have to live with a girl before getting married, but it would not happen within the first year, that's for sure.

[JadedStar]

I am on the other end of the spectrum my ex husband and i didn't live together before we were married and I would never make that kind of commitment again without having lived with the person first.

I think it depends on where each couple is at...I think after a year or so though would be good for me...

 

i agree. People think they know a person but you never REALLY know a person until you have shared the same roof.

[Ac143]

i agree. People think they know a person but you never REALLY know a person until you have shared the same roof.

 

Same here I agree with Jaded...My SO and I dated for about 8 months then moved in together - now living together for over 2yrs. I would never marry anyone either without living together first.

[ImThatGirl]

I'd never live with someone before at least being engaged, date set, invitations mailed. I have before.

 

One reason is that I have children.

 

I don't believe that living together early on is a recipe for failure. I think it has more to do with each persons values.

 

Stella, your friend and her husband, I admire. I believe that love and happy ever after can happen even when two people aren't completely compatible. I believe a long future together is a choice and that two people (if willing) can work through anything together if they both truly have a mutual goal.

 

I think that when people move in together to test their relationship, see how it goes, are more likely to throw their hands up in their air because afterall.... they aren't married yet and it's easier to split when not married. (Supposedly.) I don't think they take the relationship as seriously and feel like there is an "out" so why not take it. Instead of working through the good and bad, easy and hard times.

[midnightrambler]

i would never live together without being married.

[abitbroken]

I think it depends. I lived with my husband (we are separated) before we were married. We moved in after three, years. Four years after we moved in together, we got engaged. The mistake I think I made is that we moved in together for convenience. He mentioned it was a big step, but he found the house he rented was being sold, and I had a similar situation. We both had to move at the same time. He did mention it was a big step later.

 

Here are the mistakes I made. People may agree or disagree, but these are the mistakes I made in regards to me.

 

1) Moving in was a convenience. In some ways, I found the apartment also as a way to keep things going. I didn't want him to move away or be sucked into a living situation with one of his family members. He really needed to get away from them, by his own admission.

 

2) He bought a house after a few years of us living together. The intent was for us to live there together, but we didn't buy it together. He chose it himself and bought it himself. Because he purchased it several months before we were engaged, it is considered premarital property in our state and I have no rights to part or half of it. When we argued it was also what i was doing to take care of HIS house, etc.

 

3) I was very surprised when we got engaged. When I moved to the new house, I thought that after seven years with no indication or discussion about the future, that there was only going to be so many years that I was going to hang on, not being married. I never expressed this. I never discussed things because when we met he complained about women he met that were hot to get married, or biological clocks were ticking. I was "no pressure" to the extreme.

 

If I ever did it again, I would do it with the clear idea not to do it until I had a very clear knowledge of the guy's intention. Were we two peas in a pod and it was only a matter of when, not if we would get married? The step it is in the relationship is more important than matters of convenience and real estate.

 

I understand that you don't know someone til you have lived with them, but if you have a good foundation of good communication, it makes things easier. I think when you are together a few years, the bad habits come out whether you live together or not as long as you aren't a "two dates a week" relationship but are really thoroughly a big part of their life day in and day out. I don't comdemn moving in, but next time, if I do it, it is not going to be haphazard.