So you want your ex back – or do you? Part II

[The Morrigan]

Your ex is haunting your every thought. Everywhere you go, no matter what you try to do, yep, there's SOMETHING that reminds you of those good times you spent together, whether it's a song on the radio, someone who looks similar to them from behind, or even something corny like a couple laughing when one of them drops an ice cream cone. Even if it's something you fought about, your thoughts inevitably lead to the making up that followed, and what was something you both laughed about later now preys on your thoughts, just WAITING for an opening to remind you of what you once had…

 

Or did you? It is INCREDIBLY easy to only have the best of times spring to mind. Those times in the beginning when things were going great, the sweet little things your ex did at one time or another that seem so much more special in retrospect, the making up after the quarrels… these are the things that you associate with your ex the most firmly, those, and the last time you saw him or her – when you broke up. The contrast only serves to make those good times even more ideal.

 

To add fuel to the fire – even when you try your hardest to remember the bad times, the fights, the times you felt like crying or screaming, or felt let down in some important way – all of a sudden, they don't seem so important anymore. In comparison to the good memories, they seem like minor differences which a little time and understanding on your part could have fixed.

 

This is all part of "idealizing" or "idolizing" your ex – and it's a normal, if frustrating and painful, way of trying to make a reason in your own mind why they would have left that doesn't blame them for leaving you. After all, since they were perfect – the blame has to fall somewhere, and the first place we seek to put it is on ourselves.

 

Did you ever question whether your partner loved you as much as you loved them? Showed you the understanding and consideration you needed at a specific time? Was unwilling to compromise on something and left you with no option but to rather resentfully give in to their views? Or, a goodie, had a double standard for something you had a hard time dealing with?

 

Those things haven't magically been erased. At this point, understand your mind is NOT your friend. Your desire is for the security and love you thought you had and are now missing. You're bereft. Your mind sees the simplest way of healing the pain of your ex leaving as getting them back. Your thoughts aren't connected with just a secure and loving relationship, but SPECIFICALLY with your relationship with that one person. Your thoughts and emotions are NOT going to help push you to find other solutions, or move away from the relationship, because it's painful. Your mind is going to try to protect you from any more pain than you're already going through. And recognizing that someone you devoted this much of your time, thought, and feeling into, might NOT be that person you thought, make no mistake, it's PAIN. Not only do you have to deal with the obvious painful realization that you're no longer with the one you love – you have to deal with your own perceptions of that person possibly being WRONG. And to be blunt – in the beginning most of us are NOT ready to deal with that – and our minds know this.

 

Here's the tricky part – determining when your own mind is carrying that defense too far. At some point, you have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship wasn't perfect, or you wouldn't be reading this. And in any relationship – it's broken by two people, problems are created and solved by the both of you. Do you think your ex is ready to see that? Work on their side of whatever problems there were? If you do decide to get back together with your ex – these are some challenges you're going to face. The immediate bliss from getting back together will fade – and you'll find yourself right back where you were unless both of you are taking steps to make sure it doesn't – and you're BOTH happy with yourselves and each other at a fundamental level.

 

Small differences are fixable yes… but often a lot of small differences are actually signs of fundamental differences in the way you think and feel. If one of you is much more expressive and possessive for example – while the other MIGHT be able to compromise on actions that make things worse – you'll probably never actually FEEL the same about it. And that can lead to the same problems you had under a different name, so to speak.

 

Your ex became an ex for a reason. Hard as it may be to see and acknowledge – the person you really WANT your ex to be may be someone they're simply not capable of being, your dreams of what they could be may not be taking some fundamental parts of their personality, maturity, and dreams for themselves into consideration. How much they invest in you, and how much you invest in them, should be a relatively even balance. Giving your all when someone else is withholding the things you need will leave you feeling unwanted, unloved, and unhappy – and wondering what's wrong with you that they don't feel the same for you as you do for them.

 

Be true to yourself, and honestly ask yourself if your ex as you know them to be is capable of giving you the kind of love, support, and trust you need in a relationship before jumping back in. You can't bet the bank on being able to change someone or bring them to understand your way of thinking, a relationship should THRIVE on two people being individuals and sharing their differences as well as similarities – so if you're seeing many things your ex would have to "change," or "grow up," protect yourself, protect your heart, and don't be afraid to be your own person. Look for someone who will be compatible with you just as you are, and who is really good for you just the way they are. The person who is truly right for you will not only bring out your best qualities – but accept your quirks and faults with humor and love, and consider them things that simply make you uniquely who you are, not things they think should be "fixed."

[BNelley35]

Wow man, what a post, it fits perfectly with my current situation. Thanks for the advice man...

[DealingWithIt]

great post...very well said!

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Great post ! My ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me about 5 1/2 months ago and she started dating someone about 2 weeks after and reading posts like this still helps.

I've been dating someone for 4 months now and doing alot better but at times I still think of her alot and miss her.

It was one of those relationships that she gave it all..All the love , all the chances and I took her for granted..

I guess I'm paying for it now..

[pudgy55]

very good post, it helps me a lot with what i'm dealing with right now. My boyfriend has broken up with me for almost two months now and though i tried to stick to my no contact rule, it has obviously failed because i talk to him sometimes.

 

He messaged me recently saying he's still thinks about me and that he thought he was over me but he wasn't.. basically gave me a feeling that he wanted me back? i don't konw...that's what you get when you don't stick to no contact.. cruel cruel mind games...

 

I see a lot of myself in this post so i must say it probably does to a lot of other people also. I see that we had our wrongs in this relationship and that i am probably idolizing this relationship right now and that is why it's so hard for me to get over it. Just having him message me and giving me the feeling that he wants me back just sucked me right back into the vortex...

 

i guess it's all about the fight between your head and your heart.. my heart says go.. give it a try again.. my head says... you are asking for him to change some things that he may not be able to do...and i think because i think like that.. i don't see us getting back together now...but maybe in the distant future?...but gosh. lemme warn everyone out there right now.. thinking like that.. is just basically telling yourself the "wait" him out... or at least that's what it seems like to me... wait for him realize how much you mean to him and then he will change and come back to you...

 

i'm going to read this post over and over again until it seeps into the brain that i have to stop thinking that he will "fix" himself and get back together with me..

[jclaam]

Hey Morrigan,

 

Great post once again and I want thank you for your effort and wisdom to help everyone on this forum. It is just really encouraging to read post like to lift your spirits and strengths to face the hard times and painful memories. I am going to continue to be strong and tomorrow mark the one month of no contact from my ex. Although she did come in to my work place this last Friday though. But I didn't give in and I didn't go talk to her or say hi. I don't know if I want her back anymore. I won't lie that just little part of me hoping that she would call me and telling me that she made a mistake by leaving me. But don't worry guys, I won't have that kind of fantasy in my head because I know it will probably never happen. I will just continue to be strong and try to find what makes me happy. Take care everyone and hopefully everyone will find peace and happiness soon or later!!!!!!!

 

jclaam

[Calm]

I just had to thank you for those wonderful words of wisdom - I hope to take them to heart & hopefully they will help to heal me.

[soultrouble]

It all makes sense to say...and to read and you know its what you're going to have to do...what you'll have no choice in...

 

But I just got kicked to the curb after 3.5 years of being totally giving and loving and trusting...and even the Zoloft isn't helping...

 

It does make sense though...its just a matter of becoming strong again...and its a long road...and it's a heck of a LOT easier said then done.

[The Morrigan]

Oh yes it is - and if it helps any, I made an utter FOOL of myself the first time I went through it.

 

I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I even parked close to his house so I could watch for him and left notes on his car. I went to his mom, his brother, and his sister. I thought about telling him I'd been diagnosed with some dread disease and didn't have long to live. Believe me, if there was an idiotic thought, I had it. If there was a stupid thing to do, I did it, in spades. Dignity? HA, I had all the dignity of a spaniel puppy begging at his feet.

 

After about 2 months I came to my senses from that part - and didn't contact him. A couple months after that, he started contacting me. I was THRILLED.

 

We started dating again. Unfortunately, I had neither the experience OR maturity to have thought of what was CAUSING the fights he had dumped me for in the first place.

 

Within a year, I was in the same cycle of being either deliriously happy, or completely miserable. Mostly the second. I had originally started doing "attention seeking" stuff because well, he'd plan something with me and find something better to do at literally the last minute - and he was doing it again. I was second to everything. He'd ask if I wanted to see a movie Friday night - and I'd call Friday to ask about what time, and he'd say he was headed out elsewhere and we'd make it tomorrow. When we DID go out it wasn't unusual for him to ask me to change what I had picked to wear or my makeup, or give me instructions so I wouldn't "embarrass" him in front of his friends.

 

And about a year after that, I finally couldn't take anymore (after he'd broken plans 3 TIMES in one weekend) and said I'd had it. I was still a mess - and he barely reacted. Though he did start appearing anywhere I usually went with my friends, seeking me out, flirting.

 

It tore me up, I don't deny it - but what stood out was that this guy who didn't have the time of day for me when we were together suddenly had time to look for me 3 and 4 days a week when we weren't. And I did not want to go back to that again. Basically he hadn't changed. And much as I loved him, he was, at least then, someone I wasn't going to be happy being with. And I think that hurt more than anything, realizing that.

 

I just hope nobody else has to go to quite the extent I did (4 years worth) to realize the same things I was blind to for so long!

[Scooter]

Yup, I did. 5 years then I get dumped. After reading your post and others on the forum I think that, although we got on very well, we were two different people who wanted different things. I regret that I wasn't stronger years ago to break off the relationship because I could see cracks appearing in it then. It's nice to have a partner and all the things that go with it. I'd have been over it by now and maybe with someone who I really want to be with. I don't regret the past 5 years with my ex because we had some good times but this whole experience has made me realise that if there are any doubts or reservations address them immediately or get out. I was hoping she would change but she never did and she probably never will. I have a difficult decision to make if she calls me up but somehow I don't think she will and maybe that's the best way. I've learnt so much from this experience and so much from this forum. Good luck to everyone.

[applebee]

Great post

[SadMan]

So Morrigan,

 

If the ex hasnt contact you for a month or so, did they really give up? or they know I have a life now so they stop thinking I would be their backup man forever?

 

Cos its the first time I havent seen my ex more than a month and its been 2. She hasnt called, e-mailed, text, online contact me and I am starting to worry. Having dreams about her everyday. Its really bothering me.............

 

What should I do? Contact her ? or keep away?

 

thanks....

[Phoenix_girl]

My relationship with my ex was a short-lived when he told me he simply and suddenly lost feelings for me and that it was over. This came completely out of the blue for me almost a year ago. Since then we've stayed really good friends talking pretty much everyday online. He is easily my best friend. But deep down i know i want him back. We both made mistakes in our relationship and we were both really inexperianced in the dating area. We didnt talk about things that bothered us (such as my clingyness, ect), i was clingy and i wasn't honest with him about my feelings, cause truth be known i fell in love with him and didnt tell him till after we broke up. He told me he wished i had told him sooner.

A lot of people kept intruding in our relationship and i got really insecure. I also sometimes feel he may have felt pressure to end it with me. We never talked about breaking up - it was sudden and final. Since the break up there have been some things that sometimes make me wonder if he regrets the break up, but then i figure i am imagining things. Hes a typical guy and doesnt express his feelings. He says he doesnt want a relationship with me and i have respected that, but i still wonder if hes telling everything.

I am now with someone else who i love and he has just started dating again as well. We talk about pretty much anything and everything and we give each other advice - he can always tell when something is bothering me and i can with him as well. But my mind always wanders back to those times we spent together and i wonder if i had done things differently would it have worked and even wonder if we will ever get back together. As i said, he is my best friend and has been since i met him - is it wrong to wonder "what if"?

[hellokitty]

that was an excellent post

i had a boyfriend for 2 years. he was one of those "non working guys" but he had a lot of issues and i am the type of person to feel sorry and want to help people. so, in march of last year he moved out he said that he loved me too much to put me through this any longer. but we continued to talk...around halloween i started seeing someone and when my ex found out he was going to change and all of that good stuff needless to say i went back with him and broke up and went back and broke up...now i found out that he is dating someone and working not a good job but working and i am crushed i am afraid that someone else will get what i have always wanted. have i made the wrong decision? i do love him very much...

[Crushed]

Great Post! I appreciate the advice. This should be a sticky.

 

Bump

[Stingseed]

Some great posts in here. I am in my third week of very minimal contact. Only reasoni talk to her is that after about 3 days of no contact she has basically called every other day. I must say no contact has help me out tremendously. We all have to heal and lete the ex know first we don't need them in out livevs to make us happ and second that if they really want us they have to come get us. We loved our ex's and then they dump or cheat on us. We here are not toys to be played with and thereforeeee we have to show them confidence and show them we have self-esteem. Only then will they realize that they lost someone who really loves them

[deejay74]

this may be a good thing to read before you start thinking about contacting your ex or if you are thinking about getting them back.

 

hope this helps a bit.

[healinginnyc81]

thanks iwantherback, that is a good read.