Did I handle this contact correctly?

[rapunzel]

hi all -

 

Last night we had a rehearsal and it was my colleague's birthday. We often hang out together and are just friends, he has a girlfriend and is 15 years younger. I told the group it was his birthday and my ex said to my colleague 'hey, let's go for a drink". My colleague and I had already planned on doing this. I asked my colleague if I should go and he said yes, he would feel weird if I did not go (he knows about my ex and I and my ex seemed to be a bit jealous of him). Last year just over two months after my ex and I broke up he went to my colleague (as he suspected something may be going on) and told him to stay away from me, that it would be bad for the band and I would not be able to "handle" it. Well nothing ever happened between me and the younger guy, nor would I allow anything to happen.

 

So last night the three of us went to a cozy little bar and sat at the bar and ordered some food. I acted nonchalant and talked normally as I would to anyone. I sat in the middle so I mostly looked at my younger colleague who did most of the talking but occasionally I would look at my ex when he was speaking, as I would with anyone.

 

Today I feel sorta OK about it, but some have counseled me that this sort of "hanging out" thing is going to keep me stuck on my ex and keep me hoping he'll come back. I am pretty close to feeling that I definitely do NOT want him back as I feel it's quite likely he'll just break up with me again. My head is screaming "this man is NO good and do not entertain any thoughts of anything EVER again" but my heart is still in pain and clearly if I'm posting here, I'm not completely over it (although again, I am well aware that Round Three is a REALLY bad idea and I truly don't think I'd go down that road unless my ex moved several mountains).

 

My gut tells me it's over and it's never going to happen with this man - EVER. This is what I am listening to. But I will admit I am thinking about it a LOT today (just like I thought about his phone call last week a lot) and going into overanalysis mode. This is why contact is not a good thing. He made only one mildly flirtatious comment at the end of the night and it was mild. Ok, I do feel a bit anxious about this today, admittedly.

 

Yet we have to work together. So I guess I could just gone home but it would have been weird for me to do that, since I had already planned to go with my colleague and he WANTED me to go.

 

I also fear my ex will think "oh, she's just fine with all of this, she's over it, hip hip hooray - now we can be friends" and he'll feel free to bring another woman around. There are two holiday parties on the horizon planned by my colleagues and my fear is my ex will bring a new woman to either one of these. Now that he's seen how cool and confident I am, and that I can handle just hanging out with him at a bar, (exactly 2 months after break up). Of course, eventually...this will most likely happen, that he will meet someone else and bring her around. My hope is I will also meet someone else yet knowing my history and how hard it is to meet someone you "click" with, this is not going to happen quickly.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[Batya33]

I would not have gone and would have explained why to the colleague "sorry, I am uncomfortable being in a small group with him"- and taken a rain check.

 

I am glad that you are progressing in getting over him but I would avoid any other small group situations like this and probably also avoid the holiday parties.

[rapunzel]

In retrospect this is probably what I should have done. Why is it always hindsight?

 

I don't know how to avoid the holiday parties as I don't yet have a valid excuse. I'm going to have to lie.

 

Is a sit down talk with my ex to talk about this stuff just a ridiculous idea?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is a good chance he will bring a date to social functions, without regard to your feelings. Most people just do that. It will have nothing to do with you, but with him and whether he is dating or not. So your actions won't determine whether he brings a date or not.

 

You need to work on being neutral towards him... who cares if he brings a date, and whether you have a date or not is your choice, and no shame if you don't. You should be focusing on having fun and not making decisions that revolve around him, or letting him influence your social life.

 

If it still bothers you too much to see him, then stop going to social functions where he will be. But really, it is better to work on really convincing yourself he isn't relevant to your life any more, and shouldn't be. So between now and the holiday parties, get out and meet other men, and see if you can find someone you want to date and forget about him.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with BSBH, you have to work on being neutral with him and NOT let him bother you. Also, I know it is a good idea to avoid being with him, but then I also feel you are running away from your problems. You can't spend the rest of your life avoiding him in social situations because you are only hurting yourself, not him, by depriving yourself of social situations where you can meet others, or just hang out with friends. Sometimes it is best to confront your problems headon, instead of just running away from it and letting IT (the problem) rule your life.

[Yodabell]

I don't know if there is a 'correct' way to deal with these situations - you just have to do what feels right for you.

 

Yes, you should be prepared that he may bring a date along to social events. Whether you are there or not, whether you are cool with it or not, whatever, will have no influence on his actions. So all you can do is be prepared that he may be there with a date. If that is something you think you can cope with, then go to the parties. Do you have other parties or other friends you can go to instead?

 

I would avoid those small group situations for a while until you feel more comfortable in them. I'm sure your ex enjoys your company, likes you, and may find you attractive. But he doesn't want, for whatever reason, to be in a relationship with you. That is hard to accept (I know!) but it's just the way it is - I'm sure you've gone out with people in the past that you felt similarly about.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your replies BSBH and Ren -

 

I guess this was my thinking last night - I'm going to have to work with him, do performances, and yes, attend the occasional work party where he will be. So I might as well get used to being around him.

 

Yet I still wonder if I'm fooling myself, that I'm putting myself into a stressful position by doing this (hanging out with him last night) and by even continuing to be in this group. I am committed to January 2009. I am not feeling all that well, I feel I'm not looking that great lately and I think it is the stress of all of this. I'm also getting older and it's starting to show. I don't like the idea of being on stage so much anymore because of this and am thinking of "retiring".

 

I am working on being "neutral" yet I think it's going to take some time and in the meantime I am a little worried about how this is affecting my mental health. I am seeing a therapist but I wonder if it is helping me at all or if she is the right therapist for me.

 

I know I am the only one who can make these decisions and obviously I am not having an easy time of it!

[renaissancewoman101]

Rapunzel, have you talked to your therapist about this situation? What does he/she think you should do?

 

BTW, stop thinking that you don't look that great. Be positive and have a positive outlook since that will help you. If you think negatively about yourself, it will show through your demeanor and personality and you don't want that. Positivity will make you look and feel better about yourself.

 

I've noticed lately, since I'm feeling better about myself and more positive, people at work are more receptive to me and less "catty" towards me.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Yodabell. I don't have any parties I know of at the moment, sure maybe one or two will come up. But I will have to tell a lie to not attend these work parties as I do not have plans on the dates they are happening. And I work closely with these people...we rehearse in a small room - it's like a family....yikes, what do I say?

 

I know, I made a split decision last night to go along with my ex and this other guy and it was probably a mistake. I let my colleague's opinion and desire influence me...and because it was his birthday, I wanted to make him happy - so I went. It's done. Onwards and upwards, right?

 

Yes, I try to think about how I feel hanging with my ex-ex - who I like, enjoy his company - and I did not want to be in a relationship with him. I feel comfortable around him (I ended that relationship). I think my ex likes me and probably feels comfortable around me. I need to work on "accepting what IS" and I am truly working on it. I know it takes time.

[rapunzel]

Rapunzel, have you talked to your therapist about this situation? What does he/she think you should do?

 

BTW, stop thinking that you don't look that great. Be positive and have a positive outlook since that will help you. If you think negatively about yourself, it will show through your demeanor and personality and you don't want that. Positivity will make you look and feel better about yourself.

 

I've noticed lately, since I'm feeling better about myself and more positive, people at work are more receptive to me and less "catty" towards me.

 

I did not see her last week, am seeing her tomorrow and will see what she says. I'm not sure she's the right therapist...

 

I KNOW. Positive mental attitude is really the way to go. I have these dark circles under my eyes that are getting worse and I worry about them as I know they are very difficult to treat. I'm going to have to go out and get a new pair of spiffy glasses to hide them (I wear contacts). I was a swimmer for many many years and worry that wearing swimming goggles (creating "raccoon eyes") has created these circles in my face and they frankly look bad. One of the guys asked me last night if I had a black eye! :sad:

[renaissancewoman101]

Do you wear makeup? Maybe some concealer may go a long way in helping to conceal those unsightly circles under the eyes.

[rapunzel]

yeah, Ren - I have tried concealer. It helps only a little. The lighting of where I am makes a big difference....outside in sunlight they are not that noticeable, indoors depending on the light - noticeable to VERY noticeable. I have been avoiding mirrors lately! And most of my life people have told me how pretty I am. My looks are fading and that's just life. Getting older is not for the faint of heart. But I know there is no alternative and we all go through it!

[Batya33]

As I've suggested before I think you should avoid those social situations for at least the next few months. Lie if you need to. I think talking to your ex about interacting socially is escalating and elevating your relationship then and now far beyond what is necessary. If you had children together I might think differently.

[rapunzel]

Well I could accept the invitation and then call in sick. The other one I could say I was going to be out of town.

 

On the other hand, I will be missing out on some potentially fun social events. And avoiding him is not possible - I'll be seeing him at performances and reheasals. I don't have to talk to him much at the events, I can try to avoid him as much as possible.

 

I think you are right, it is not a good idea to talk to him about it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally, I don't think you should miss out on some potentially fun social events. You've had a hard time socializing and sometimes holiday events can be places where you can meet a new, potential SO. I do agree with Batya, that you shouldn't talk to the ex about this.

 

Since you are already going to see him at performances and rehearsals, why should you be the one to pay the price and have to avoid fun social events because he will be there? You can't avoid him forever, or spend time forever TRYING to avoid him.

 

Time to bite the bullet and face the music, or face your fears.

[Batya33]

I disagree. I think the OP can find other fun social events to attend for the time being, when she is not yet over her ex. She doesn't seem - and has admitted to not being - strong enough to have "fun" and then resist the urge to overanalyze every look or word he gives her - perhaps the band can't be avoided but social events can. And how much fun would it be if he brings a date? I'm not sure Ren why you keep using the extreme "forever" when it's common sense - I think- that most people need a period of time to heal - not "forever" but a period of time before they face the music.

[Addicus]

I agree with Batya....if attending the same events as your ex are going to cause a lot of emotional stress then is it really worth it? There are plenty of other things to do, just plan accordingly. Sometimes break-ups make us have to make major changes in our lives. Like making new friends and seeing less of the old because of a common thread. Hi Rap, good luck!

[rapunzel]

I appreciate all the responses.

 

I haven't responded to the first invite, which is for a dinner party two weeks away. We have a performance this weekend. I guess I can tell the guy hosting the party I already have other plans for that night. I'm sad that I won't be able to hang out with the rest of the group (outside of the band) though, these opportunities are kind of rare. And I'm sure if I decline people are going to ask me why I'm not going. I can't think of a valid reason yet and I sure as heck don't want to get caught in a lie.

 

There would be safety in numbers at this party though, he invited about 40 people. I could more easily avoid my ex at this one than at the other one that is planned for December.